To wonder how people manage with bigger families?

[Lemonwoe]

First of all: I’m not judging: everyone makes different life choices: and what suits me won’t suit everyone else.

But I’ve often wondered how people manage with larger families (ie any more than one child): things like space in the home: financially, energy to look after them all.
Most of my friends and family have more than one child (my close friend has 4), and I honestly don’t know how they manage without having a breakdown.

I only have one child (and work 4 days a week) but I’m blooming knackered: particularly the last year with lockdown and homeschooling

We have two soon to be three. My dh pulls his weight and is an equal partner so that helps. Otherwise being organised is so important. We use a shared Google calendar and have a large wall calendar so we know what is going on any given week. I work part time and do things like laundry on my day off. I do not cook everyday, often a meal will stretch for two days or there will be enough leftovers for lunch. I batch cook where possible. Lumches are kept simple, usually no cooking involved. The kids do one activity each and I do not constantly try to keep them busy. They are able to play on their own and do. Not having to ferry them around to different activities saves me time, energy and money. We rotate putting the kids to bed so they both get one on one time with each parent. I expect things will be up in the air for a while when the baby arrives though.

I have two DC so I think YABU to say that two is a 'big family' but YANBU to query how people cope with a big family as I also have no idea!

For me, it seems like a nightmare when the number of children outnumber the number of parents... Also I don't see how there are any positives for 3+ compared to 2. Particularly when you consider the amount of negatives - more time, emotional and physical energy, money and space required.

But I guess that I was lucky in that my heart and my head were balanced. I was very broody for DC2 (bizarrely I wasn't for DC1), but touch wood that feeling has not returned! DC are 5 and 3 and I can think of nothing worse than going back to the baby stage.

If they are the current Prime Minister they just don't acknowledge all their children.

We have 5 (22,21,15 DSS, 7 & 5) and they all get the attention they need and lots of it, I am a sahm so they are lucky that I’m always around when they need me.

Space wise, the two youngest share through choice and the others have their own rooms, my husband works and the two eldest both work and are good with money so we don’t financially support them other than food/living when they are at home.

I am organised which helps but also quite relaxed so it just works for us and we all just help out as and when needed. I’ve always wanted a big family and I love a houseful of people.

I agree OP ! Although by your standards my 2 are considered a large family, I consider 3 or more large.
I am exhausted by the end of the day, both require love, attention, time, both have different needs and wants, double the food, childcare, clothes, shoes, activities, shampoo etc. They cost a fortune ! And, shamefully, I judge people with lots of children. I know a few people with 5/6 children, I just don't understand it.

@LadyMcBee

I agree OP ! Although by your standards my 2 are considered a large family, I consider 3 or more large. I am exhausted by the end of the day, both require love, attention, time, both have different needs and wants, double the food, childcare, clothes, shoes, activities, shampoo etc. They cost a fortune ! And, shamefully, I judge people with lots of children. I know a few people with 5/6 children, I just don't understand it.

They're just better at parenting than you. And probably enjoy it more.

@zoeydollie

I have 4. Most important things are:

Big wall calendar
DH who pulls his weight
Don't sweat the small stuff
Never skip a day of laundry

I agree with this and I have two!

Never ever skip laundry

I don't know how people manage with more than two and I'm a sahm. I am full of admiration for people that do and then go out to work on top.

My friend has 4 between 3 and 9. She is much more organised and relaxed than me. She will be the first to admit though that she just cannot give as much individual time to her, or pay for everything that we do for ours (similar incomes). Because theirs has to stretch so much further. I have one in school, she has three. The difference in uniform costs and school trips alone is staggering!

I have enough money to throw at housekeeping, cleaning, ferrying kids to school/activities and have 2 kids.
I wanted 3 but am done with the baby stage now, my kids are 9 & 7.
They’re easy, our life is easy and I wouldn’t want to chuck a baby spanner in the mix.
Folk with big families mostly want the bigger family. I work FT in a high pressure role and don’t enjoy chaos or disorganization so stopped at 2.

We just get on with it.
I agree that covid is a weird time for all of us though. Prior to covid neither of us stayed home. My older DC are school aged; I flexed my hours earlier and DH flexed his later so that he would drop off on the way to work and I do pickups on my way home so we didn't have to have wrap around care.

The baby would have gone to full-time creche but covid shut everything down and then DH & I started WFH (full time for him and hybrid for me) so she only started going this month, and only part time. The older DC have been home schooled to avoid the idea of disruption if their bubble was called out but we did so with the help of a private tutor who has sat with them every day to guide their lessons.

Housework is divided pretty fairly between DH and myself, each of us has stuff we hate that the other doesn't mind doing, plus we have a cleaner every two weeks. I do the budgeting and cooking. He drives them all to swimming/scouts/camp/etc. Three days a week I go out to ride horses. He has band rehearsals on Saturday nights -- so we both have a decent chunk of time to ourselves as well.

All of it balances on the idea that we're both giving equally.

Yeah don't skip laundry. I do a wash load every day and put it away. My brother saves all of theirs up and does it 1 day a week, house is covered in clothes and the kids have to spend that day in their pjs watching tv basically.

@zoeydollie hahaha! That made me laugh out loud, thank you!
Is this the new competitive Mothering...the more children you pop out, the better Mother you are, the more enjoyable it is. At least its moved on from the SAHM v Working Mother argument

@shouldistop

Yeah don't skip laundry. I do a wash load every day and put it away. My brother saves all of theirs up and does it 1 day a week, house is covered in clothes and the kids have to spend that day in their pjs watching tv basically.

Ha. We do ours daily -- it's washed and dried, but folding and filing is 7-10 business days!

Often it’s by having selectively lower standards in pretty much everything to do with day to day life. Trying to be a perfectionist with 3+ kids is just setting yourself up for failure

@zoeydollie

I have 4. Most important things are:

Big wall calendar
DH who pulls his weight
Don't sweat the small stuff
Never skip a day of laundry

@zoeydollie (and anyone else with a large family who has mentioned laundry!)

Please can I ask how you manage the laundry for a large family? We are a family of three (one preschooler) and I do a minimum of a load a day to try to keep on top of everything but most of the time I still feel like I'm drowning in laundry

I don't seem to be one of the more frequent changers of bedding/bath towels (going by the multiple Mumsnet threads on the subjects!) although we do change tops every day (and full set of clothes for the preschooler). Trousers and sweaters get washed as needed. I do end up doing frequent small delicates loads as my nursing tops need to be washed on a delicates cycle which is only 2kg (six tops) in our machine, so at least one delicates load per week. We have lots of airers in the spare bedroom and a tumble dryer so it's not like we don't have ample drying room.

I suppose I'm interested to know how people cope with what must be double the amount of laundry (taking beds and so on into account) when I'm struggling with this much

Someone at my children's schools has 8 children, and due her ninth very soon. Eldest 15yo and youngest child is around 18 months.

No idea how they do it - and I have four!

Hi OP I’m exactly like you - mum of one child & I wonder how people cope with more!

I don’t envy friends with more - their lives always seem chaotic which is not for me.

I’m sticking with one child, I think it has massive benefits. Do what works for your family.

I’ve often wondered how people manage with larger families (ie any more than one child):

When I was a child 3+ children wasn't that unusual now I'm readng two children is a large family - time really does bring change.

With washing my main issue isn't washing - not since 9kg machine with short cycle options - it's drying everything - unless it's really quite weekend with loads of sun and a strong breeze.

Lockdown also wasn't on people's radar before covid so once there I expect it's been - head down get on as best you can.

@randomlyLostInWales I've only ever seen the op refer to more than one child as being a large family tbf.
4 or more is large to me. Most families I know have 2 and several have 3.

I have four, youngest is 5, oldest 11. I’m lucky that I am able to work very part time, and I’m a very organised person so I don’t tend to get stress. I was also lucky that my first two are just very ‘easy’ children. They always slept well, ate well, loved preschool from the first day and to this day are very placid. My third isn’t as easygoing though, I love him to bits but if he was someone’s first child I can see why they might think how does anyone cope with two?

nasty,goady thread.....op is just dying for it to take off into a bunfight

With washing, I do sometimes feel like I’m constantly on it. It’s easy in the summer when everything gets out in the garden to dry, in the winter the tumble dryer earns its keep. I make sure that I wash, dry and put the clothes away immediately. Letting it pile up is what makes it a nightmare, if it’s done daily it’s no struggle.

I wonder this...for me, I wonder about logistics. I have two dc and very often have to be in two places at once due to activities, friends etc. Not to mention, managing their school lives, school admin, uniform, dress up days, homework, friendship issues etc. Then there's appointments, doctor, dentist, optician, and so often one could have more problematic health problems than the norm. I'm often juggling school drop offs with hospital appointments. Honestly, one more child would tip the balance for me

I have 4, for me the hard part was juggling a toddler and a baby with #2. After that it was very much well...another doesn't make much of a difference. I was lucky enough to be at home until the youngest started nursery, and now I'm extremely lucky that myself and the husband work the hours we do so we don't need to rely on childcare. I'm extremely organised, the kids all chip in with various chores and I budget to the penny to make sure we can afford the extras e.g days out at the weekends and their music lessons. It's loud, it's time consuming and it can be very draining but they're awesome little people and we make it work.

I know you only have 1 op but 2 children doesnt equal a "bigger family" 3 yes maybe, 4 is definitely bigger.

Anything more than one child isnt a "larger" or "bigger" family. Its average and one more than a "tiny" family with "only" one child.

@Comedycook

I wonder this...for me, I wonder about logistics. I have two dc and very often have to be in two places at once due to activities, friends etc. Not to mention, managing their school lives, school admin, uniform, dress up days, homework, friendship issues etc. Then there's appointments, doctor, dentist, optician, and so often one could have more problematic health problems than the norm. I'm often juggling school drop offs with hospital appointments. Honestly, one more child would tip the balance for me

Zone coverage, and two parents that both have the ability to free up time to do things. It wouldn't work in my house if only one of us had any flexibility. Things like scouts or swimming are relatively easy, even though the DC are in different groups the meetings are at the same time. Things that are on different days require one of us to be in one place and one of us to be in another; thankfully, we have the flexibility in our jobs to be able to do that.

Failing that we do have backup in the form of grandparents, too. They are usually happy to step in and help.