To wonder how people manage with bigger families?

[Lemonwoe]

First of all: I’m not judging: everyone makes different life choices: and what suits me won’t suit everyone else.

But I’ve often wondered how people manage with larger families (ie any more than one child): things like space in the home: financially, energy to look after them all.
Most of my friends and family have more than one child (my close friend has 4), and I honestly don’t know how they manage without having a breakdown.

I only have one child (and work 4 days a week) but I’m blooming knackered: particularly the last year with lockdown and homeschooling

I always only wanted one, then number two came along.

Adjusting to motherhood the first time round was a massive shock to me and changed my life and career prospects more than I could ever have imagined. I was depressed for a long time. More than one child seemed unimaginable.

With number two I was already in the mothering mindset. My life was now school runs, part time work and play dates. Number two just slotted in nicely.

If finances would allow and I was five years younger I'd certainly have tried for a third. I had to make the choice between giving two children a comfortable lifestyle or scraping by with three. Now I have more than one, I can totally understand why people have large families.

I now have 4 but don’t consider it a large family. I found my life tougher with just one though. I was working full time in London and rushing around getting to nursery and back and the commute every day was so tiring and as he was my first I didn’t know what I was doing. I only work part time now and my husband works from home so I don’t need to take all the kids with me in the school run, sometimes he will do the school run instead as well. I don’t wash clothes everyday. Clothes can be re worn if they look clean. Meal times can be tricky with fussy eaters. Sometimes I will relent and just give the fussy ones beans on toast. Robot cleaner does most of the vacuuming.

@PopsicleHustler

Hiya, I have 5 children ranging from the ages of 13 and 5 months old and a mixtureof boys and girls.

I'm planning to have number 6 but we will wait until we have moved, as we are currently in a 3 bed and looking to move to a 5 bed within the next year.

This is how we do it.

Space: the eldest teen has his own room. Second child and third child share a room. 5 month old baby sleeps in a cot and 3 year old sleeps on a fold up bed in my room with me and I sleep on a double bed with husband. But ideally we need a 5 bed so the eldest girl can have her own room like our eldest teen boy, and then the middle two can share and baby can still be in a cot and then she can have her room with the youngest girl. Leaving the middle boy to have his own room too.

Money: My DH owns 3 businesses and he is the main sole provider. I have worked part time from home for the past 3 years and enjoy it. We are both very ambitious and provide for all the children.

Mealtimes: My husband is from a different country and I have learnt a lot of dishes from his country and usually cook those. I try to make a big batch so there is enough to to round as well as leftovers for a packed lunch. We also eat typical foods like fish and chips, lasagne, curries and so on. I plan meals in advance because theres 7 of us and I like to be in control of it all.

Time with the children: i don't really understand when people say that when you have a lot of children, some will get left out or how do you manage one on one time. Tbh i dont really see the need for one on one time because then i am leaving someone out. When the eldest 3 kids go to school,I am home with the baby and 3 year old. I get to home school the three year old and play with her, which is pretty much the whole 6 hours the others are at school. I am also trying to involve and include the baby. Even though she is still very young , for example I try to read to her the same book am reading the 3 year old and so on. I also encourage all the children to play together. They are very close and rarely fight which is really good. ALSO I have time to do different things with everybody as well as group activities. We also try to go on family days outs and things. We love parks and museums.

Clothing and their needs: All the kids are well cared for. And am not ashamed to admit, a lot is hand me downs. For example all of the kids clothes that are still nice BUT have grown too small, are packed away into the storage units and kept for them when the next child is old enough to have them.... All our children are happy and dressed smartly. But its tricky when you want to go out shopping for new clothes, you have to remember exactly who needs what. I've got a big shopping trip coming up and sometimes it's hard to remember who needs what size and what thing. That's why I am the queen of lists. I have lists for everyday housework, every weeks spending budget and so on.

I love having a big family and am so happy. I had such a rubbish childhood and just want to give our children the best in life !!!!

You say you don’t understand about one to one time but you aren’t going to be able to give your 3 eldest time just to focus on them in the way parents with less could. Time to talk to them and hear about their day, know details about their life etc

I have 6, the house is neither noisy or chaotic although they do have their moments like all children. They vary in age from teen to preschool so have very different needs and timetables so I get time to spend either 1 to 1 or in 2's - for example the youngest 2 get up much earlier and go to bed sooner so they get stories, and play then, the middle 2 are old enough for clubs so get taken there with opportunity for a quick park/ cafe trip on the way there or back and the older 2 are up much later so come downstairs then to chat or watch something. The downside is long days as I'm to bed late and early up but we take it in turns to get up.
I'm lucky that dh is around in the evenings to either run around or read stories and that my job is part time and term times only . Dh is a high earner so we can afford clubs and extras.
The older 3 all have their own rooms and the primary boys share.
The eldest has just finished his first year at uni, he has a little help from us but worked all last summer to save and has taken a student loan.
The most time consuming things are cooking and the laundry - all but the youngest put their own clothes away and change their own beds but that's the only chore they have.

I think for us one child was where we stopped because of multiple factors.

Ds had colic and reflux, the latter only being diagnosed when he was 3 months old and in hospital, those were 3 VERY long months.

After the initial visits in the early baby days, relatives stopped calling, my DM didn’t live local and worked full time, PIL never visited, no friends in the immediate area, felt extremely isolated and lonely.

With all this in mind the thought of going through all that again, without the support made us stop at one.

I’m sure many with multiple DC will have a great support network and this can help so much, not just physically but emotionally too. Ex SIL lived right next door to PIL, where toddler was often left while she tended to newborn, she also has super supportive parents, who retired at 50, very much involved in all aspects of helping out. She’s now with a new partner but planning baby number 4, with a DSS to care for too. Note, I didn’t say ALL but many with multiple DC. I’m sure there are lots without a great support network.

[quote Lemonwoe]@JudgeJ for me anything more than one child is a large family: we’re past the days of women being stuck constantly preggers -
And thank God (well, the pill) for that lol.[/quote]
Our philosophy was Don't let the little beggars outnumber you!

I only have two and it's a doddle! Way easier than 1, they entertain each other and love each other to bits.

My parents had 4 and were just very organised, reasonably well off, but most importantly we entertained ourselves! They were there to support us, but we all slept all night in our own beds, helped out around the house, and didnt expect constant attention. We had a very happy childhood.

I have five.

The only thing that flummoxed me is the laundry.
It is quite literally everywhere but then I suppose we all have far too many clothes. And shoes, coats, hats, gloves, bags etc.

Space and money helps but I'm not especially organised and my house is not a show home.

We are the definition of cash rich, time poor.

Also I think having a laissez-faire attitude to parenting helps.

For example, my DS2 was upset that he was sitting next to a girl in his class (year4) that he didn't particularly like. My view on this was tough shit basically.
There was nothing wrong with this girl, she wasn't unpleasant and had done nothing wrong to my DS they just didn't rub along very well.
A few mums at school said that I should ask for him to be moved. I didn't want to do so because as I explained to DS there will always be people in life that you must work or live in close proximity to who you don't really like.
These will be future colleagues, mutual friends of his friends, bosses, teachers and perhaps even in laws.
Better to learn how to navigate these situations at age eight than later on.
When I explained my reasoning to another mum she said I was unreasonably harsh and it was probably because I had so many children that I didn't pretty DS' feelings enough

Admittedly I do treat them as slightly more adult than perhaps their peers parents do.

I wouldn’t classify families with more than 1 DC as “larger”!

They manage the way everyone does- by muddling through and doing their best. If money is tight they probably go without luxuries and have basic or no holidays, share bedrooms, give hand me down clothes and toys. It’s easily done if you’re careful with money and share childcare.

The hardest thing, I think, would be being so knackered. Not sure I could cope with many.

Also I think having a laissez-faire attitude to parenting helps

I'm sure. I'm a complete stress head. So once a week my DC have a clashing timetable of extra curricular activities...only a five minute drive apart but I worry all week about it. If one of my DC has an appointment, I can barely sleep the night before thinking about the journey and making contingency plans if it goes wrong. If my DC forgets a school book, I worry all day. Any more kids would probably see my sanity vanish

I have 3 (they were close together in age). They are now 14,11 and 9 and I have just increased my job to full time. I also run a part time business (approx 7 hrs pw).

I have no family help locally.

I would have had more children but i met dh later in life so it was time limited.

I love having a few children. I don't feel busy and have plenty of time to relax - although this is a recent thing now they are older.

I really think the way I have managed is by learning to relax in the chaos and allowing my children to have responsibility already for their decisions and what they need to do on a day basis.

For example, I never make breakfasts or pack lunches (children's job), my oldest earns her pocket money by helping youngest with homework. The worst one - I don't take them to bed. From about 6 - I would say "time for bed, up you go" and they just sorted themselves out!

I think a little bit of neglect is OK 😬

@strikethrough I have an 11kg washing mach, 10kg dryer. No problem at all

I'd also like to add, all my DC get individual time, attention. They're all absolutely excelling in school and I certainly do not 'work the system' or have a 'laissez-faire attitude'.

@Dyingflowersagain

Why so defensive? You are literally justifying yourself to randoms on mumsnet...

I was a fully trained nanny and nursery nurse. Having four of my own was a breeze! No help from useless eXh or anyone else but we were happy in our little bubble.

nasty,goady thread.....op is just dying for it to take off into a bunfight

No it isn't.

Not sure how you've arrived there.

in RL I know many sized families but on MN I've often read two children is "ideal" and have increasingly noticed posts stating one is the "ideal".

Well I think that's really good news for the planet that most people think smaller families are better. For full disclosure I have three (and actually would have liked five) but am aware of the environment impact of this. I'm also aware of the strong urge to have children.

I have no urge for more dc...but I think it must be great to have lots of siblings. I have one sibling but always wished for more. I think it's nice as it means they are more likely to have a wider support network when older. I always think one on one time with parents is vastly overrated despite what a lot of people say on here. My best childhood memories involve my sister and cousins...not my parents

@Comedycook

I've always made 121 time for my children, proper out for a meal or something as well, not just a story. Thinking about it though, actually, I think you're right.

I don't make a special effort to have one one time with any of mine tbh.

I mean they get snippets of it in the car for example, back and forth to activities etc. They know that if they need to speak privately to DH or I then they can do and there is always time for them to do so but I don't schedule it in, as I said earlier I'm very laissez-faire.
Honestly though we are a family so much of the 'how was your day's chat is done in a group and I think k its nice that my children all ha e an I sight to what is going on in each other's lives away from the home.

I like to see them following each other's narratives and asking each other about friends, teachers, exams, sleepovers etc.

I have two. I thought that I'd adjusted to parenthood and the second would just kind of slot in. My life is instead so much busier and there are twice as many arrangements and I found it a lot harder than i thought. Whenever we have one child because one is with a friend or at nursery or something it's so much more calm and less hectic and more relaxed. I cant imagine having any more, even the thought makes me feel panicky! I only have two hours when they get home to cook, eat, wash, homework, play, ready for bed, it feels like we are constantly rushing and constantly late for everything

I have 4. Honestly the days where only one is home are far more mentally tiring - children enjoy talking to and playing with other children. Being the only point of contact at home/having to play is just exhausting.

I imagine having one child it's like that all the time -really intense.

And yes, they all get one on one time, it's just not constant.

I’m sorry if anyone thinks this is a goady thread: I was just curious around how families manage: because I certainly couldn’t! I’m knackered with just one child! Mind you, he wants my attention ALL THE TIME!