To wonder how people manage with bigger families?

[Lemonwoe]

First of all: I’m not judging: everyone makes different life choices: and what suits me won’t suit everyone else.

But I’ve often wondered how people manage with larger families (ie any more than one child): things like space in the home: financially, energy to look after them all.
Most of my friends and family have more than one child (my close friend has 4), and I honestly don’t know how they manage without having a breakdown.

I only have one child (and work 4 days a week) but I’m blooming knackered: particularly the last year with lockdown and homeschooling

I have 7, 5 still at home. I actually find more far easier than less, my eldest I found really quite hard as I had zero experience of babies/young children and I had to do all the playing-with…multiples play with each other a lot and I love watching children play. I despise the toddler years but otherwise none of it is any bother, routines are useful but I do have Asperger’s so obviously would love them hahaha.

@zoeydollie

I have 4. Most important things are:

Big wall calendar
DH who pulls his weight
Don't sweat the small stuff
Never skip a day of laundry

Exactly this for us. Also have enough money and in-laws nearby to help with occasional bits that don’t work on the wall planner.

@lemonwoe I don't work but am studying for a degree. DP always worked until he became seriously ill a couple of years ago. He's very hands on with the kids so that's a big help. Luckily I'm good with budgeting 😊 He's well enough to go back to work now and I'm half dreading being alone with them again 🤣

Also I’m exhausted but I know I would be by myself also! I’d just fill my time to bursting with other things.

I have 4 kids. I manage, but I don't do a very good job of it! I guess we make quite a lot of sacrifices really. My older kids do after school sports at school, but no other clubs. No chance of paying for tutors to boost chances of getting into the grammar school.

My husband and I both work part time, which is fantastic for work/life balance, and financially makes sense just now because of the astronomical cost of childcare for the little ones and wrap around for the older ones, but which has scuppered our career progression.

But it was awesome in lockdown. The kids were thick as thieves, never bored etc. There are plenty of shitty moments, but when you have a really great day with a big family it's just the best, in a way I can't really explain.

I know a couple of people with larger families, one with four kids and the other six. They both freely admit to gaming the system, more kids = more help from the state.

The one with six manages their time very well and all the children seem happy and well looked after. The one with four really doesn't give a damn about them most of the time and just lets them get on with whatever they want to do, they're not abused as such and not neglected in the sense that they get food and clothing provided, but it can't be much of a life for them, the (single) mother really doesn't care.

I have four. I agree with the laundry thing. One or two loads every day washed, dried and put away. Putting away is key!

It’s very, very difficult when they’re very little as their physical needs are so much and you never have enough hands to pick them all up or deal with spillages or whatever. But that passes quickly and by the time they get to 7 or 8 it’s more about getting snacks, getting them to clubs and school on time and affording all the stuff they want.

Mine are 10, 8, 6 and 4 now and I honestly don’t find it that stressful. Work (three looong days a week) is much more stressful for me than the kids at present.

I’m from a large family but we were feral in the 1970s and we did no real activities out of school, except for brownies/Cubs which were at school anyway.

I have a friend with 5 who does nothing but complain about the amount of time and organisation it takes to manage them all. I remember her saying how easy it was when they were all small, 5 teenagers is a different ball game though.

Seems like you know yourself and your limits, OP. I struggle giving time and attention enough to my two - it’s definitely stretched us to the max physically and emotionally, so we couldn’t have any more. I think it’s just different strokes for different folks. Friend of mine has four and makes it look easy. Not sure what her secret is...

It might help to remember we all have different skills that we can bring in to the mix.

Would go with keeping up to date with the washing

I don't think more than 1 child is a big family, is it?

I have a 4yo & 6mo.

Space wise we have a 4 bed house and a playroom so we're fine, would manage with less space but it is nice to have somewhere to store all of the toys.

Financially, we planned so we wouldn't have 2 sets of childcare to pay at a time. Ds1 starts school in august and ds2 starts nursery in December. I work 3 days a week but don't start til 10 so can do school run. Either dh or one of our mums can do the afternoon run the 3 days that I'll be at work.

Our second barely costs any money so far. We kept all of ds1 old things.

I don't really find it takes much more energy to look after 2 than it does to look after 1. I'm tired from getting up with the baby at night but I know that won't last forever.

My dh is very supportive and that helps.

Yes, being organised helps. I'm very organised, and so is dh.

We have 8 children and had five under four at one point. We have six bedrooms and only 7 still live at home so that helps. In some ways it is easier as the children play together.
I home educate all but the two eldest and like to have a good routine.

@JaniceBattersby

I have four. I agree with the laundry thing. One or two loads every day washed, dried and put away. Putting away is key!

It’s very, very difficult when they’re very little as their physical needs are so much and you never have enough hands to pick them all up or deal with spillages or whatever. But that passes quickly and by the time they get to 7 or 8 it’s more about getting snacks, getting them to clubs and school on time and affording all the stuff they want.

Mine are 10, 8, 6 and 4 now and I honestly don’t find it that stressful. Work (three looong days a week) is much more stressful for me than the kids at present.

I hate putting laundry away so from about age 3/4 that is the kids job. Every day when they get in from school they have to check the laundry basket for their clothes and put them away

Also, not too many clothes. I thin out their wardrobes a lot and try to stick to 3-4 long sleeved tops, 3-4 short sleeved, 3 jumpers/cardis, jeans, a couple of joggers/leggings and a couple of shorts/skirts/dresses.

I have 5 DC aged between 11 months and 11. The older three are obviously at school a lot of the time so they’re not around 24/7. Younger 2 are relatively ‘well behaved’ as babies/toddlers go, they sleep through the night and generally don’t cause much issue.

I cope because I have to, it isn’t like I can lie down on the ground and scream as much as I’d sometimes like to . It’s a choice I have made and I just get on with it, I like being a Mum and it comes quite naturally to me. I have endless lists to stay organised and I clean as I go so it never gets overwhelming. I’m quite strict although I prefer to say ‘firm but fair’, the result is quite well rounded and polite children.

We have a 5 bedroom house so not quite a bedroom each but close enough, the baby and toddler share but both boys so not the end of the world. We make things work, all of my DC get 1:1 time and I make sure they all do as well as they can at school.

I think though that the biggest shock to the system is the first child!!

Totally agree with this. I’d also say going from 1 to 2 was a shock to my system but from there on out the new baby has slotted in and I’ve cracked on with things.

The easiest way to deal with a certain number of children is to have one more. 3 children make 2 a doddle, but 2 used to terrify me and when I only had one I found it so hard.

Not going to have a fourth though. I can spread myself between three but at the cost of time for me.

Hiya, I have 5 children ranging from the ages of 13 and 5 months old and a mixtureof boys and girls.

I'm planning to have number 6 but we will wait until we have moved, as we are currently in a 3 bed and looking to move to a 5 bed within the next year.

This is how we do it.

Space: the eldest teen has his own room. Second child and third child share a room. 5 month old baby sleeps in a cot and 3 year old sleeps on a fold up bed in my room with me and I sleep on a double bed with husband. But ideally we need a 5 bed so the eldest girl can have her own room like our eldest teen boy, and then the middle two can share and baby can still be in a cot and then she can have her room with the youngest girl. Leaving the middle boy to have his own room too.

Money: My DH owns 3 businesses and he is the main sole provider. I have worked part time from home for the past 3 years and enjoy it. We are both very ambitious and provide for all the children.

Mealtimes: My husband is from a different country and I have learnt a lot of dishes from his country and usually cook those. I try to make a big batch so there is enough to to round as well as leftovers for a packed lunch. We also eat typical foods like fish and chips, lasagne, curries and so on. I plan meals in advance because theres 7 of us and I like to be in control of it all.

Time with the children: i don't really understand when people say that when you have a lot of children, some will get left out or how do you manage one on one time. Tbh i dont really see the need for one on one time because then i am leaving someone out. When the eldest 3 kids go to school,I am home with the baby and 3 year old. I get to home school the three year old and play with her, which is pretty much the whole 6 hours the others are at school. I am also trying to involve and include the baby. Even though she is still very young , for example I try to read to her the same book am reading the 3 year old and so on. I also encourage all the children to play together. They are very close and rarely fight which is really good. ALSO I have time to do different things with everybody as well as group activities. We also try to go on family days outs and things. We love parks and museums.

Clothing and their needs: All the kids are well cared for. And am not ashamed to admit, a lot is hand me downs. For example all of the kids clothes that are still nice BUT have grown too small, are packed away into the storage units and kept for them when the next child is old enough to have them.... All our children are happy and dressed smartly. But its tricky when you want to go out shopping for new clothes, you have to remember exactly who needs what. I've got a big shopping trip coming up and sometimes it's hard to remember who needs what size and what thing. That's why I am the queen of lists. I have lists for everyday housework, every weeks spending budget and so on.

I love having a big family and am so happy. I had such a rubbish childhood and just want to give our children the best in life !!!!

I have 4. Can't imagine only having one, to be honest. We both work (DH full time, I work 4 days but shifts that fit in with the family.) We have a 5 bedroom house so everyone has their own room. My whole salary is basically taken up with after school clubs and holidays, as dc all have their own interests-all do music lessons, all learnt/learning to swim, horse riding, dancing, football, cheer, gymnastics, brownies. We have to be very organised as every evening is taken up with clubs or tuition of some sort. The best thing about 4 is that no one seems lonely or left out, they occupy each other to a large extent and at home/on holidays they always have someone to play with.

Lockdown must have been so difficult with an only child? I have a couple of friends with onlies and I know that they felt guilty about how isolated their children were. Although we are often exhausted I was very grateful that they have had each other over the last year and a half.

We have 5, all primary aged and a baby. We live in a 5 bed house, with room for renovations to create another bedroom so the baby can eventually have their own. We have always lived on one wage as I stopped working when I found I was pregnant with our first.
I am with them for the majority of the time as they are all home educated and always have been.
I'm organised, budget our money, my husband obviously parents when he is around, and yes of course it's tiring sometimes, I haven't slept properly for about 11 years, but I would have more children tomorrow!

@Youdiditanyway

I think though that the biggest shock to the system is the first child!!

Totally agree with this. I’d also say going from 1 to 2 was a shock to my system but from there on out the new baby has slotted in and I’ve cracked on with things.

I found going from 2-3 the hardest transition. I think it's being outnumbered and there always being one too many children

We do work quite hard on ensuring every child gets 1:1 time, and not just 10 minutes here and there but day trips or weekends away too.

we have 7, aged 19-6

"how do you manage?" is a very general question I'm not sure how to answer apart from "we get on with it".

but it's not that simple.
DH works FT and has a great salary, I'm a SAHM. we have a big house, a big garden, 3 cars.
we have friends & family that we can ask for help, kids chip in with chores.

we are exhausted but it was the same when we just had DS1 - DH works long hours & I have health issues.

not sure what else you want to know so feel free to ask specific questions

I have four aged 12, 10, 7, and 4. It was much more tiring when they were babies/younger but as their independence grows so does my free time. DH works full time, I'm a student and a carer for two of our DC who have additional needs and need someone basically "on call" 24/7 as well as all the other ins and outs of caring for a disabled child.

I get on with it and do it because it's my normal. I know other people look and think four kids must be exhausting, expensive, noisy, hard work, etc and if they were to step in and do it for me then they probably would find it to be that way but for me it's just how it is, I'm used to it and we have a system that works for us. Remember when you very first had a baby and it took ages to get organised, get dressed, and get out the door because you were still learning all of the steps? But then it got faster as you learned what was and wasn't needed and muscle memory took over for a lot of the smaller tasks? That's what it's like when you're settled into your parenting groove of caring for four kids, I can knock up four lunches in ten minutes and if I had to I can have everyone fed, washed, dressed, organised, and out of the door within thirty minutes of starting.

The biggest adjustment for me was going from 1 DC to 2 DC, I found it more of a shock than going from zero to one as I had to learn to balance both of their needs. Third DC slotted straight in and was so easy despite being quite a difficult baby because I knew from experience that you just have to ride out the difficult phases. DC4 was an absolute doddle, again despite being a difficult baby, because I felt like I knew what I was doing and that confidence/trust that I do it carried me through.

Supportive DH is definitely key, as is a big washing machine and a big tumble dryer- both are 10kg drum and I run a minimum of one wash a day. Organisation is important too. I have lots of storage for the toys, books, and games. They each have a storage drawer downstairs (Kallax in the dining room) and the rest of their stuff is stored in their rooms. I have a cleaning schedule where some jobs are done daily (laundry, hoovering, dishes, bathroom, etc) and everything else has a set day (e.g., Monday - change/wash bedding, Tuesday - windows, Wednesday - garden, etc). The DC are responsible for making their beds and tidying their own rooms, I'll help if they ask but I won't do it for them. Being adaptable and not worrying about the small stuff makes things less stressful.

They all have clubs they do and they get time apart to do their own thing as well as time together, we also make sure everyone gets one to one time each day with longer periods of one to one time as and when wanted/needed (for example, I took DC2 out for the day last weekend and tonight DH is taking DC3 out to look for Pokemom).

Clothing and shoes are our biggest expenses although I do keep some clothing to hand down as I have two girls and two boys, they get new things alongside the hand-me-downs and I only keep back things that are in really good condition still. Shoes can cost up upwards of £400 at a time, come August when we're doing back to school shopping and we get school shoes x4, trainers for PE x4, wellies x4, plus a pair of football boots for eldest DC I'll easily spend close to £500 - more if they've outgrown their normal shoes too. We get a holiday every year, not abroad as I don't know how our autistic DC would handle the flight, but a week in the UK plus 3-4 weekends away spaced across the rest of the year. They get to go on all school trips and residential too, they certainly don't miss out due to being from a larger family. There are no grammar schools here so 11plus and tutoring isn't a consideration, if any of them were behind d in school and we thought they needed a tutor for a particular subject then we'd pay for it. I don't ask the older ones to help look after the younger ones as I don't think it's fair, if they have friends round then I keep the others away so they get time with their friend(s), and everyone in the house has a private/quiet space they can go to if they need to.

There are days where I can be frustrating and stressful, like all children they have their difficult phases and their falling-outs, it can be tiring if one or more of them is unwell and if a sickbug gets into the house you can guarantee it'll make its way through all four of them. Homeschooling and lockdown wasn't too bad for us as they had each other, our garden is massive, and we live semi-rural so lots of walks and trails as well as the beach within a few minutes walk.

I had four in five years and it’s easy. I guess it depends on the person and circumstances, we’re very lucky.
My dh is a high earner (although we could always do with more) and my children are very easy fun kids.
I have one at school, so daytimes are a bit quiet, I miss them when they are out of the house.