If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

There are things you can do to feel more yourself again, if feeling like more your “old” self is important to you, while progressing with the possibility of counselling etc in case it is PND.

Moving to formula.
Sleep training.
Going back to work a little bit earlier.

All of these things are anathema to the completely self-sacrificing version of motherhood we’re all supposed to subscribe to, but are things that were game changers for me. And I now have a wonderfully happy, healthy, bright child with whom I share a fantastic bond. She’s the most, but not the only, important thing in my life.

We’re all happier and healthier because I’m happier and healthier.

I am a solicitor, supposed to be returning to work when my baby is a year old but my husband and I have discussed him taking parental leave and me going back early. I think it would help me a lot to have something other than the baby in my life again. I really miss my job.

I found things a lot more manageable when I went back to work. Not saying it's a magic bullet, and of course everyone is different, but I found that along with CBT and Citalopram I felt the best I had since DS was born. I genuinely love being a parent now, and I was where you are, I felt like there was no escape, that I would never be happy again, and that I had ruined my life.

Also agree that if breastfeeding is impacting you negatively now to switch to formula. 7 month is fantastic, and honestly as you say, you wouldn't judge anyone else for using it, so be kind to yourself.

@Y0YO

I am breastfeeding, and have been considering giving it up for the sake of getting some help and rest.

This is a valid reason to not breast feed longer. You've already given your child a good start.
I gave up when the health visitor said better to have a happy mother.
Later found out baby had a tongue tie which made it difficult but it was also about feeling trapped.

Bottle feeding meant husband could do first half of the night and I could do second so we both got a chunk of sleep.

Of course I wish I could have breast fed like my friend who had a baby the same time and just gushed milk while baby fed easily but it didn't happen for me so there you go.

Please please read this and take it on board! you've breastfed for 7 months to do what is best for your son and that's amazing! If you need rest and some time for yourself which would make you happier, then that will benefit your son in the long run.

I suffered PND after my daughter, and it was awful! I honestly felt like I didn't want to live anymore, I have a course of CBT which really helped, but helped me the most is giving up all those things that I felt I should be doing and concentrated on what worked for me and my daughter, the guilt consumed me at first and I felt like everyone thought I was a terrible mother and because of that I was on the defensive so much and so angry! but the CBT helped so so much. Would you consider sending him to a nursery one day a week so you get some breathing space? Anything you think will make life easier for you do it, you being relaxed and happy will be the biggest benefit to your son

My daughter is two now, and I am well and truly out of the other side, and I'm really enjoying her and being a parent, so I promise you you will feel happy again even though it doesn't feel like it right now, and you have some wonderful days ahead

I absolutely promise it gets better OP. At 7 months it feels you should have this sorted eh?

Nope. The first few years are so tiring abs hard work. Mine are 12 and 9 now and a joy , well the 12 year old is in puberty so can be challenging but I remember my time and expected it 😁

My 9 year old walks himself to and from school, is full of cuddles and kisses, loves his mates and both are completely self sufficient re dressing,toileting etc. It's so much easier to focus on me and the big things. Hang in there and get some help if you're feeling low.

It will get better, but sleep train, sleep train, sleep train.

The reality is that some people can weather a sleepless storm for a really long time and for others it’s unmanageable.

I was in the unmanageable camp so whereas my 1st slept through naturally from almost get go, my 2nd woke a lot. At 6 months I sleep trained and we were down to one quick feed and then none at 10 months.

You need to do this for yourself. The baby will be fine but you need sleep now

It will get better I promise I have been there. The first year is mega hard and the lack of sleep is brutal. Make sure you get some time to yourself, also if you can nap when the little does, lower your standards regarding housework etc take each day as it comes. I'm also on Sertraline and it is a god send, it did take a couple of weeks to kick in and I did feel sick a lot and tired. Go back to the doctor to get something else. Do what you need to do to get through these hard months.
These are the things I wished I did when mine were little it would of made life so much easier for me.

• Get out of the house every day for a walk
• make a packed lunch for myself the evening before for the next day
• make a flask of tea for myself in the morning for the day
• get loads of dry shampoo in
• shower the night before instead of the morning
• go to bed as soon as they do
• accept any help offered some of these might help you x

Please don’t be hard on yourself what is best for you is best for baby. Speak to mental health professionals and be honest they should be able to prescribe something that helps. Not too long ago here you’d be already back at work and in US you’d have been back at desk in 6-8 weeks and no one would have thought anything of it. If going back to work helps go back.
I’m a solicitor and going from accounting for every 6 minutes of your days to hours of nothingness and no structure is hard. Personally my DD was bottle fed (not through choice) and I liked Gina Ford routines. I know that’s frowned upon on here but it suited my personality.

OP, it sounds as you you have had a really, really tough time physically which is bound to impact on your mental health too. I just came on to say that I remember 7 months being a very difficult time for me with my first child. He was a terrible sleeper and at that point was only sleeping for 90 minute stretches at a time. I was exclusively BFing too, and I was completely worn down, exhausted, got ill and lost several kilos in weight. I didn't have PND, I was just too tired to think or do anything. I was due to go back to work six weeks later and that clearly wasn't going to go well as things were, so we did sleep training at 8 months, which worked very well, and as soon as I got a bit more sleep, I felt like a different person. I also weaned him (and later his younger brother) off BFing at the same time to go back to work.

I see you're a solicitor; I'm a barrister and going back to work was great for me. I went back 4 days per week with no "back up" childcare on the 5th day, which really helped me keep it free. I am not cut out for full time SAHMing. I now have two children, and they are at a nice age (9 and 6) where they can do lots of stuff by themselves and I feel I have a nice balance (when we're not in a global pandemic!).

So just to say even in normal times I found baby 1 very difficult - must be so much harder at the moment with all the restrictions. I would definitely speak to your HV/GP about trying different medication, if you want to, and take it from there. And do think about the breastfeeding. 7 months is really, really good - I am very pleased I managed similar with mine, but I feel not the tiniest shred of guilt about weaning them both at 8/9 months to go back to work.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this terrible, trapped feeling💐💐

Please do not despair. It would be untrue to say you are imagining things or to discount what you say in any way. I too experienced this feeling you describe.

It will all get much better bit by bit, but, parafoxically, it works better if you give yourself up to the moment right now ( like it is said one must do in mindfulness).

Accept or buy any help you can. Make sure you eat frequent healthy meals, and drink plenty of water. Try to sleep when you can. If possible get out and about. If there is anyone to help look after the baby, try to get out for yourself to swim or go for a walk.

I was told by the doctor that it can be more difficult for people who had already had fulfilling lives before the baby was born.

I am not so sure that Sertraline is a good idea, the last thing you need is feelings damped down IMO. But ignore me if it seems essential.

I haven’t read the thread and I’m sure you’ve mostly had some amazing support and advice. But I just wanted to send you support and solidarity and say, yes, it’s fucking hard. It’s a shift into another reality and it’s shocking at first. But it WILL get better. Hold on tight and any chance you get - however small - to have rest, headspace, distraction, baby free time - take it with both hands.

Therapy, online support groups, tonnes of vitamins, a good cry, tea, sharing on here, baths…hang on OP, you’re getting through it, it’ll be ok. I hear you.

“ I have been left with major injuries requiring multiple surgical repairs which cause me daily pain and discomfort“

You have had major trauma.

Do not worry about stopping breast feeding if it would help.

Do not feel guilty about your husband. He sounds lovely and he wants to help you any way he can.

OP as others have said, it sounds as if you have had a REALLY tough time. Do whatever you need now to make it easier on yourself. Please try not to feel bad about giving up breastfeeding - I had so many problems with breastfeeding and remember so clearly all the guilt I felt about it. Seven months is brilliant. In the end mine were mix-fed to 5 months and 4 months respectively. I cried and cried about it and they were/are absolutely fine.

I also remember very clearly the feeling of arriving back from the hospital after a traumatic birth and quite a long stay in hospital, exhausted, battered, absolutely terrified and convinced life was over. But it does pass. You will get your life back. Mine are much older now (oldest in teens) and we have so much fun together. Sending you much strength!!

I could cry at how lovely you all are. Thank you so much. And thank you for all the helpful advice. I appreciate it so much.

Huge sympathies, you perfectly described exactly how I felt in the first 1-2 years! The combination of sleep deprivation, no time to yourself and constant chaos was excruciating. It's really sad that so many women are given anti-depressants in order to cope with depression that arises (logically) out of a physically and mentally inhumane way of living. I absolutely agree that not enough is said about how hard it is. Social media, friends & family tend to gloss over how brutal the early years are although so many women echo that when asked directly, such as here.

The only turning point for me was when her grandparents very generously took her for an entire day once or twice a week so I had some time off. Most of that time was spent catching up errands or food shopping but just being alone was a huge, huge relief. If you don't have help then please look into nursery places. You need time away from your baby to recharge and that's the best thing for both of you.

The other turning points for me were when she started sleeping longer (gradual process between 16-24 months) and when I weaned her (26 months, and I hated it near the end but didn't know how to stop since it was so convenient to get her to sleep). I think about how much I miss my old life every single day and always listen to songs that remind of those times.

It's a long, slow, brutal slog but you will eventually get your life back. I admire all the people here who went on to have another baby, because the experience made me absolutely sure that I never want another. I love DD to bits but I can't handle the early years ever again. I'm gasping for the freedom of travelling again, of spending a night alone, of leaving her to play without constant supervision like a drowning person for water.

I'm so happy I have DD but I've always wanted the teen/adult version of children. Being able to show her all the amazing places on earth, share experiences, restaurants, conversations etc. I detest the baby/toddler stage and how it sledgehammers your entire life apart. I cannot wait for that to be over and I think you are absolutely not being unreasonable for voicing this.

"I am not so sure that Sertraline is a good idea, the last thing you need is feelings damped down IMO."

I disagree with this. I avoided antidepressants for many years because I was concerned about "damping down" feelings. Actually I had PND after DC1 and was miserable. Finally decided to take sertraline after DC2 (cold winter in lockdown with a 3mo was the final straw) and I wish I'd taken it first time around. I am enjoying it so much more this time. My feelings aren't "damped down" at all. I still get emotional (happy, sad, angry etc). I just feel that the horrible fog/cloud of depression that was dragging me down has been lifted.

It's a personal choice and won't be right for everyone but it was definitely right for me.

I think the fear of antidepressants can be a huge barrier which is a shame.

@user9086336 To this day my natural reaction when someone has had a baby is not to be joyous but to be worried and hope they're ok

I thought I was the only one that thinks this!

Oh, it's largely pretty shit. Why women these days are still being sold the myth is beyond me.
It's not all 'once you have that baby in your arms, you'll never feel love like it'.
It's love, yeah, but also a large share of duty and obligation.

Its shit and I totally hear you OP. I had a nightmare baby and hated the whole thing. A poor sleeper is brutal and it affects everything. Even if you got into a routine tomorrow night and he magically slept, it would be MONTHS before you were anywhere near normal feeling.

Also, for me, the brain fog, the constant baby ‘stuff’ being around, the change in the conversations people have with you, the way you’re now perceived… they were all changes I didn’t expect. I’m a professional in a tough career and I just didn’t feel as ‘on’ it even though my ambitions hadn’t changed. Plus it’s SO fucking repetitive and just downright boring being with a baby!

I think those or us that are honest about hating it end up as better mothers once they get past the toddler years. I have. I have never ONCE lamented the baby years like everyone told me I would, and even now - when sleep is a still a struggle for my boy - they say ‘Oh, when he’s a teen and you can’t get him up out of bed you’ll miss him wanting you to sleep with him’ - NO I FUCKING WELL WONT!!!

A suggestion: sorry if I missed it, but is creche or nursery an option? Work? Dad?

@ScrollingLeaves have you tried sertraline? I don't find it 'damps down' my feelings at all. I feel like myself, just without an unhelpful layer of anxiety and depression. It has been truly life changing for me.

[quote Noodella18]@ScrollingLeaves have you tried sertraline? I don't find it 'damps down' my feelings at all. I feel like myself, just without an unhelpful layer of anxiety and depression. It has been truly life changing for me.[/quote]
Yes but it can damp down for some.

It's fantastic that it worked for you, really it is.

But I lost my libido and any scrap of Joie de Vivre completely after AD's so while they can certainly help some people they're not a panacea.

Sleep, support, patience and time for yourself.

Without wanting to brush aside your feelings which are very valid, there are some warning signs here of post natal depression. It can and does manifest exactly how you describe. Do you think you could initiate a conversation with a health care professional?
If it is PND there are options for you, (including medication that is safe to take whilst breastfeeding if that’s something that might worth you). Lots of us have been exactly where you are, early motherhood is brutal! Xx

@NameChange30 "I think the fear of antidepressants can be a huge barrier which is a shame."

Yes exactly! I battled for so long and just felt so much better when I finally started taking them. I wish I had started taking them a decade earlier.

Noodella18

@ScrollingLeaves have you tried sertraline? I don't find it 'damps down' my feelings at all. I feel like myself, just without an unhelpful layer of anxiety and depression. It has been truly life changing for me.“

Yes, and it worked instantly ( under different circumstances to do with bereavement and life events) to stop me feeling the way I did.
But it also had other effects - feeling flatter mentally, then a side effect for years and years after stopping of brain ‘zapping’ shocks when going to sleep, and less concentration). But that is me. As I said to OP she must do what is right for her.