If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

I agree with having a plan:

• Do you have any family locally who can take baby for a night so you can have some time with your partner and some sleep?
• Can you afford to enrol baby in a nursery for a morning a week?
• Do you work? Are you going back to work?
• Fluoxetine had fewer side effects for me than Sertraline

I had mild PND after my second child. I remember feeling so unhappy all the time and like I had ruined our family. And my anxiety was through the roof. When she started sleeping, everything got so much easier. I used a sleep consultant who prepared a program for me. It really really helped. Afterwards I was really open in how I had been affected and it was amazing how many women told me they felt the same but had been too scared to admit it. You are not alone xx

I felt like this, I went into debt to pay for a nursery part time so I could find space to rest, and feel normal. It hugely helped and I think was a benefit to my daughter who got some healthier interactions. I was living a half life.

I have a friend I met at a postpartum depression support group who 100% felt the way you have described. She begged her husband to let her put their son up for adoption, she was so beside herself with regret and unhappiness. They are inseparable now. It DOES get better, I promise. SSRI's can be invaluable in supporting you through this, although the first couple of weeks of taking them can make you feel even more anxious (I am a lifetime subscriber of them...)

I've had 3 rounds with postpartum depression, and you WILL come out the other side x

I am a solicitor, supposed to be returning to work when my baby is a year old but my husband and I have discussed him taking parental leave and me going back early. I think it would help me a lot to have something other than the baby in my life again. I really miss my job.

I do know people who found going back to work helped them immensely - it's a very individual thing. I found getting out to groups helped me and I was mostly really pleased with motherhood but still hard dark days in first year - I just needed some social interaction -
obviously thanks to covid they aren't running so that's less an option.

Also with bf only way that worked for me and I didin't have the surgeries -was to co-sleep and nap in the afternoon when baby did. You've done better than most to get to 7 months with bf and with major surgeries - if bf is affecting sleep maybe it's time to start switching to ff and have your DP help with night feeds.

@everythingbackbutyou

I have a friend I met at a postpartum depression support group who 100% felt the way you have described. She begged her husband to let her put their son up for adoption, she was so beside herself with regret and unhappiness. They are inseparable now. It DOES get better, I promise. SSRI's can be invaluable in supporting you through this, although the first couple of weeks of taking them can make you feel even more anxious (I am a lifetime subscriber of them...)

I had a dreadful two weeks taking sertraline. I was advised to lower the dose to help me aclimatise and I really did.

So sorry you feel this way - the pressure to be happy in motherhood, to be grateful and to be fulfilled do not help.
I had my babies almost 20 years ago - I remember feeling the same way, things got better - I stayed away from the Mum's who liked to live the Instagram happy families - happy for them but I needed someone I could take to without feeling judged. I had no family support so we put the babies into nursery and I got some much needed time off. It's a tough gig for many of us, but it will improve, you just need to hang in there.

I would add, there is soo much pressure for new mums to keep breastfeeding that even when you are severely struggling there will be a busybody coming and tell you you are doing a huge disservice to your child. I was consumed by guilt at not being able to persevere (low milk supply that didn’t improve even with hours connected to a electrical pump). My health visitor saw me struggling and was very supportive on whatever decision I take but what I really appreciate was a single phrase that made me feel less guilty “there is so much more to motherhood than breastfeeding”, that certainly gave me some perspective.

As for going back to work, do not feel guilty. When he is in the nursery he will get to be well cared for and estimulated, and as he grows older will have other kids to play with, but most importantly, he would have a mother who will make the time they have together very special. I remember feeling very guilty about that as well (I went back part time), but then noticed that most of my SAHM mums would spend about the same time interacting with their kids as I did with DS, most of the rest of the time the kids were watching CBBies or playing on the iPad.

@Mistyplanet

I feel sad reading your OP. I just cant relate to it. Yes its hard and you sacrifice things but you have a wonderful gift of a new child. Id rather have a child than a great body or time for hobbies etc. Ive got 3 children and each time ive sacrificed things. But I look at them and i feel blessed. You always have to give up somethings whatever path in life you choose. Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful. I hope your son wont be aware that you regret having him.

Unhelpful and judgemental. Just what the OP doesn’t need to hear. 😡

Dear OP,

Sorry to hear what you have been through. My youngest DC is nearly a year old now and whenever the flu makes her wake up every hour of the night I start to feel the same (again).

I think you are right to consider giving up breastfeeding - makes a huuuuuuuge difference to you and around 7 months they don’t really care anymore, they are starting to get interested in solid foods anyway. Definitely do this and any ither small things you can think of to make your life a little better!

OP, it will get easier I promise. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. Xx

Your body is still recovering from childbirth. I think you're expecting too much. Perhaps you thought it would be all cuddles and harmony. It's relentless in the early days, especially as you're a first time mum. You're learning that being a mum is more difficult than anybody can prepare you for. It's about coping right now. Lower your expectations and be grateful you have a loving partner to take some of the burden. Don't compare yourself to other mums, esp those in the media, they have an army of help. Be kind to yourself x

As I said in my previous post, if you really want to keep up with the breastfeeding then I strongly recommend expressing milk (If you can) and giving it to your DS via a bottle, so that your DH can take some of the feeding strain.
Otherwise, then please give yourself permission to stop - you've done more than the vast majority of mothers already, and now, really, it's just an extra drink for your DS.

It's time to start thinking about the whole "oxygen mask on a plane" scenario - you have to help yourself first so that you don't go under while trying to help others. You need to have more sleep, and you need to make changes so that can happen - once you do, things will definitely improve and you may find that you don't need ADs at all.
But if you do, you do! Again, there is a useful analogy here with the "if you had a broken leg, you'd put it in a splint and use crutches til it healed" - so this is no different, ADs are a mental health splint & crutch combo, that you used until you don't need them any more.

randomlyLostInWales

I agree. Work is what some people need, I found great satisfaction and company in other things. I lives ina village with great community activity- there were groups running most days. I also trained as a breastfeeding counsellor, helped run toddler groups etc. I was never bored or lonely.
Never did go back to my career.
I was a research chemist- jacked it in completely and became a SAHM for many years.

Sounds like you're setting yourself some very high standards, such as with the breastfeeding. 7 months is a long time, you really can/should stop if it's contributing to the problem. Be kind to yourself.

OP, so sorry you're having a rough time.
I didn't enjoy having very young babies at all. I loved them, but I didn't enjoy them. I remember asking H as I was due to give birth to D2 if he remembered how awful this bit was, and could we agree not to divorce until we're out of the other side at 12-18mo.

Things that helped:
going back to work. PT for me, but mates who went FT loved that too.
Stopping breastfeeding - stopped at 4.5 mo for no reason other than hating it, and felt immeasurably better.
Sleep training - much frowned upon here, but saved my sanity. I sleep trained both my DC who are now hulking great teens and outwardly unscarred by the process.
And mainly, time. For me, older babies of 9-24mo are infinitely more rewarding than small ones. Once they're talking a little, walking a little, and discovering the world it's so much more enjoyable.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have had lots of helpful responses - I haven't read them all, but I just wanted to add another voice. I felt the same as you did when DS1 was born, I really did. Deep regret. I also tried Sertraline but felt absolutely horrific after 48 hours so stopped. I didn't have any medical complications though, you really have got an awful lot to cope with.

When we just couldn't take any more we sleep trained at about 8 months which I honestly thought was something I would never, ever do. It was miraculous - he went from waking ever hour to sleeping though within three nights. As I began to recover physically the sun slowly started peeking out through the clouds - it took me several more months to recover mentally, but by the time DS was around 18 months old I had done a 360 and loved being a mother.

13 years and two more children later, motherhood has given me a profound fulfilment and contentment unlike anything else I have ever experienced or could have imagined. You will come through this and it will get better.

I’ve mused on this a lot and for me, I had my first at 20, so never really knew a life with real freedom so felt having another 12 years later wasn’t really much different as I was used to having to always think about someone else first.

I wondered if waiting until you’re late 20’s 30’s 40’s makes it harder because you are used to having free time and doing what you want. I asked my husband and he said it’s definitely a shock to the system, so I’d imagine 10 times worse for a mother.

I’d give up breastfeeding and go back to work if I was you. The best thing for a baby is happy, healthy parents.

@Usergenerated186 Regarding the sertraline, try taking it in the morning instead of the evening. I had the same issue as you, it kept waking me up 6 hours after I took it and then I couldn't get back to sleep. That's because serotonin is a stimulant and it reaches max. concentration after 6 hours. I changed to taking it in the morning and didn't have sleep issues then.

Hey OP im so sorry you feel this way. The early months are hard. You've been really unlucky with the physical effect of birth. You will start to feel more like yourself in a few months surgery willing. I know it was at least 9 months for most bodies to recover and you will take longer if you've had surgery.

This is the hardest bit! It will get easier in some ways and there are new challenges dealing with the early years.

It sounds like more dc are not for you. Your child hasn't ruined your life just changed it. You can go back to being that vibrant person sooner than you know. 1 child fits very neatly into best of both worlds. You can experience the love but also make time for you.

Look to the future with hope. It's bad now but it will get better.

OP - you poor thing. Those early months are so tough mentally and physically, let alone also having to cope with major surgeries.

It’s fine to feel the way to do. You can grieve your old life.

I would recommend going back to work. It’s always been my constant and has kept me happy and sane through two kids.

You’re not alone. Keep going. It really is onwards and upwards for you now.

Little babies are so hard. If people could hear the way my husband and I joke about how much we hated parenting in the early months they would think we were such dreadful people. But the key thing is, we can joke about it now. There is no way I’d ever have thought that possible when our baby was 6 months old and it felt like our lives were over. I promise it gets easier. A couple of things that helped us:

1. You’ve mentioned dropping breastfeeding. I did at 10 months and it helped enormously. I just felt I had my own body back and I was amazed how much more free I felt.
2. We sleep trained at 6 months. I know this isn’t for everyone but it was truly life changing for us. We went from me having to go to bed at 8 because baby had got to a point where he would only cosleep, and even then he was waking every 45 minutes. I was so sleep deprived and at the end of my tether. Sleep training worked very quickly for us and for the year since, he’s slept for 12 hours straight. Plus we now know that from 7pm onwards, it’s adult time. That is so sacred for us. It’s worth considering.
3. It sounds like you have a wonderful partner. Mine is the same. He was insistent that I get an evening a week where I went out with my friends or did something for myself. He got the same in return, but it gave us both a break from parenting and made us feel normal again. This was easier once I stopped breastfeeding.

I promise it gets better. The older they get, the more fun babies become. We now absolutely love being parents to our 19 month old. He constantly makes us laugh. Of course it’s still tough sometimes, and we do still think life would be easier without him sometimes, but we now wouldn’t change it.

You’re not alone feeling how you do. I hope you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon x

Hi @Usergenerated186 sorry to hear you've had such a terrible time, it sounds so tough.
You talk about returning to work and that can be hugely helpful. As someone who experienced the same as you, in the same profession, I would say sort the depression first before you go back to work. Being a solicitor can be brutal on the mental health as I'm sure you know.

I had horrendous PND after my DD was born, which went undiagnosed for 4 months, and was exacerbated by a knackered thyroid.

I can't even count the number of times I felt like running away and even wondered how then DH would react if I suggested adoption.

I was put on Citalopram, my thyroxine dose increased and had regular visits with my HV (thank God not Covid times) then counselling.

I wasn't able to breastfeed for more than a couple of weeks and went back to work when she was 18 weeks old, which was hard in some ways but mostly a huge relief.

Having a few days to just be me, and the changes that came with DD getting a little older and moving to solids helped massively.

And now DD is nearly 17...she's gorgeous, healthy, happy, bright and funny and we have the best relationship.

There is a way through this but I know it's so, so hard and it sounds like you have a lot to cope with physically too .