If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

I think the rosey tinted view of motherhood that social media and the world in general sells women does them a huge disservice.
Babies are hard work, they are inherently selfish and demanding of your time. They dont care if you're dying on your feet as long as their needs are met. Its basic survival.
From the minute you are pregnant everyone tells you how wonderful it is and how much joy a baby will bring and honestly I think its the worlds biggest lie.
Yes you love them and thats the reason that you do soldier on exhausted but the reality is its brutal more than its joyful in the first year.
I dont think it helps that we are sold this narrative that we should breastfeed at all costs, that our babies should not be allowed to cry, that we should sacrifice ourselves totally for our babies.
A happy calm well rested mother is important . Not a sleep addled sore breasted shadow of her former self.
Our expectations of motherhood are skewed by what we are led to believe will happen. its not all cute cooing babies smiling and gurgling happily at their doting mother . the majority of it is hard work and feels like an endless grind.
But it gets easier as they get older. It honestly does.

*See I dont get this at all - Im sorry your not happy but you need to change things within yourself and your life to re-find your happiness but advising others that they will 'ruin their life' if they have kids is way OTT.

My children are what give my life fullfillment and purpose, I wonder what the purpose of my life even was before the existed?

To what wake up, float around with nothing to really do except work in the rat race until death just to pay bills? only abaited by dossing around with friends and having 'fun' by drinking in between to forget we are being a slave to the grind.

I also have way more hobbies now from getting into clubs with my kids etc... things I never would have thought to do, they allow you to relive the best bits of the innocents of childhood and all the fun things you become 'too old for' without kids.

Im more interesting too purely because Im older and wiser so know more interesting things (which tbf would probably happen with or without kids as its an age and learning thing).

As for being vibrant and fun thats probably subjective to peoples indervidual views*

Did you think this comment would be helpful?
If you’re wondering what the purpose of your life was before kids was then I feel really sorry for you.

Op - ignore the mother martyrs on here. They haven’t got a clue.

@Usergenerated186

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

I could have written this myself @Usergenerated186 I found the first 3 or 4 months especially brutal, as mine was extremely difficult baby with colic and jaundice to boot. I couldn’t put him down without him screaming, it really affected my mental health. I’d regularly burst into tears and my partner would have to come home from work as I couldn’t cope with the constant screaming. I’m glad I didn’t have him in the pandemic as the baby groups used to be my lifeline.

He’s still not a great sleeper, but when he was about 9 or 10 months old I could actually breastfeed him to sleep, and put him down without him instantly waking up. That’s when things started getting better for me.
He still co-sleeps, but once he’s asleep I can just put the bed guards up, switch the monitor on and enjoy my evening.

Things will get better, but it will take time. I still regularly resent him for the life I have lost, but a turning point for me was when I accepted that he isn’t going anywhere and I had to make the best of it for both of us. At the end of the day it’s not his fault. I love him to bits, and would do anything for him, he’s nearly 3 now and such a lovely little boy. It’s just difficult to describe how you can resent him and love him at the same time to people that just don’t get it.

Big hugs, you can do this!

Ugh… bold fail.

I think in France they may breast-feed for only 3 months, and also see themselves as a bit less tied to the baby. Someone on here may know for sure.

Usergenerated, I am so sorry you feel as you do. I can promise you this will pass but I know you cannot see that at the moment.

Having a child is a very 'big thing' and no matter how much you wanted it, it takes time to adjust. Seven months is really not very long.

Millions of women have given birth once and do it again.millions of women have felt the same as you and can tell you these feelings will pass.It's a very small time frame where you are limited in what you can do,where you can go etc but as your ds grows up you will be going out and doing things,meeting people,going to work possibly.You can keep up to date with the news to have something else to talk about.this baby time will soon be over,try to cherish it and stop fighting the fact that your life has changed.You must adapt and make a new life for yourself,a new 'normal',the past is gone.if you don't let it go and embrace the new you you'll never move on.
It's summer,you have a beautiful son,just enjoy being.🌈

Sending hugs. I’m echoing what others say but honestly it does get better. The first year can be so hard, especially when it feels that the relationship is all take and no give. Persevere with your mental health nurse, it does sound like you need some support. I’ve had PND and things that helped me were trying to get out every day, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. Have time to yourself if you can, when your partner gets home go for a soak or walk to clear your head.

If you want to stop breastfeeding, you can gently start weaning him off. You have done 7 months which is amazing, I’m sure your little one would rather have a happy mum than your breast milk! One thing to watch out for is when I stopped breastfeeding my hormones were haywire and it didn’t help my mental health. Although it did settle down.

Your baby will soon start showing a real personality and give a bit back and then all the hard work starts feeling more rewarding.

You have been through such a lot, it’s not surprising you feel this way.

OP it sounds as if you might have had a traumatic birth? You’re an actual superwoman for carrying on breastfeeding when you’ve had three abdominal surgeries in the last 7 months. I second the recommendation for the Birth Trauma Association. Also, I really understand what birth trauma does to your mental health. Not as bad as you but I needed vaginal repair surgery at 4 months post partum and I really only started to bond with my son and enjoy motherhood when my body started to heal, which took quite a while.

If you’d like to send me a message to talk please feel free.

I agree OP. I have a nearly three year old DD who I'd die for but becoming a mother has absolutely ruined my life. People say it gets better as they get older but so far for me it's just got worse - trashing the house, temper tantrums, wanting to be outside 24/7, constantly grabbing at me, refusing to eat...I could go on.
The only place I get any peace is work because I now have my own room because of Covid. I always tell people who are on the fence about having kids not to do it.

You’ve experienced a trauma which has been repeated multiple times in terms of injuries and surgeries and all in a short space of time and all (if I’ve understood correctly) as a direct consequence of the birth.

No bloody wonder you are feeling terrible about the whole thing. Almost anyone would be.

I beg you to consider therapy. By all means try ADs but you need to unpick this and heal emotionally. If you have PTSD symptoms then EMDR therapy can be pretty transformative. That and consciously caring for yourself in any number of small ways that make you feel human again.

And yes, yes to sleep training of some sort and letting the breast feeding tail off. You don’t have to just suddenly stop, it’s gentler to do it over a few weeks.

Very best wishes to you. I hope one day you will return and tell us things have improved for you.

Oh OP you sound so unwell - I really feel for you, I had pnd and pna too and it's awful. But it does get better, please reach out for help. Therapy, medication, time. You will get through this xx

Having a baby is brutal. Having a baby and multiple surgeries is next level brutal. And we’re all constantly fed images of mummy perfection and makingfuckingmemories hashtags and social media lies so always wondering why it’s all tears and shit and sleeplessness in our house if everyone else is having such a great time.
But it’s mainly lies. Tiny babies are exhausting.
But they get better, I promise. You have weathered the really difficult tiny days.
Give up breastfeeding, 7 months is great. Go back to work and reclaim your identity. Go and meet some friends and do something that you used to do before you got pregnant. And don’t worry, you’re doing a great job.

When I had my 2nd baby, I felt like you, only I didn't have any insight into how I was feeling, and just struggled on not able to get out of the big black hole I was in. Eventually we moved to a different town, and within two days I had a visit from the health visitor, and within about 10 minutes she asked "What has been done about your PND?" and I replied "What PND?" My baby was 18 months old by then, and she explained that if I'd been given help earlier, I wouldn't be still suffering. Back then, in the early 70s, medications weren't as good, and we'd never heard of talking therapies. I was given Valium, which made me feel horrendous, and like you, I stopped taking it. But my HV visited me every week, sat down with me for a cup of tea and a chat (Talking therapy!!) and within a very short time I recovered.

About five years after that, when a foster carer, I was asked to take on a child every other weekend, just overnight. Another foster carer would do the alternate weekend. The mother was having horrendous problems because he wouldn't sleep. When he came to us, I put him in his cot at bedtime, having started a routine of a bottle, a cuddle and a book, then singing a song, and putting him down. He would cry for about five minutes, then go to sleep. And sleep all night. Eventually the other foster mum and I met up, and he was having a very similar routine there, just by chance, and she was also leaving him to cry for a few minutes before he fell asleep and slept all night. Neither of us had quiet houses, I had four children, she had five. He still wasn't sleeping at home, and we came to the conclusion that it was her anxiety that was causing the problem, including the fact that when he did fall asleep, she would panic and think he'd stopped breathing, so she would go in and touch him to check. We were not anxious, so both of us were calm, and I think he picked up on that.
My system with babies who didn't sleep was a kiss and cuddle, put them in their cot, say night night and leave the room. If they were still crying after ten minutes, I'd go back in, (no light on) Lie them down, stroke their back or head for a minute, then leave them. I'd keep doing that, never speaking to them or picking them up, and definitely never taking them back in the living room, where the light, TV, company, would over stimulate them. It worked, but you have to be consistent. You can't do that for a couple of nights then decide to try something else.
I hope you get the help you need.

My children are what give my life fullfillment and purpose, I wonder what the purpose of my life even was before the existed

@mam0918
You had to make people and force them into this world just so your life can have meaning? If you had not or could not produce another human then your existence is pointless?

im sorry you feel this way. honestly i have had days where i have felt like this . for me i realized that i was trying to be 'perfect mum'. I was putting too much pressure on myself trying to reach an ideal of the perfect mum . As a result i would crash and burn and feel this way. i stopped feeling this way when i decided to stop trying to be perfect and take things slowly. also when im tired i dont push myself more than i should. for example on days where i am exhasuated i will skip my sons bath , or when he goes to bed instead of spending my time washing dishes or sorting out housework i would sit down for half an hour watch something on netflix and have a cup of tea or a have a nice bath, even if it means the house is a mess the next morning then its fine as long as i feel happy mentally. Be kind to yourself . I hope you feel better as time goes on , for me i have felt it has been better the more independent my baby has become

Just joining the many voices telling you that you are not alone. Not sure if it helps, but I also regretted having children. Not sure why I had a second one.
I don't think there is a magic formula by which it will all get better if you stop breastfeeding or whatever. In my case, it became better as they grew up. I thought I was a horrible mother and I probably was not the best fit for a baby.
On the other hand, it has been super easy since they became 2 years old. they are now 14 and 16 and I now see myself as a very decent mother with great well-balanced kids. This may change.
Acceptance that this is not what you had in mind, finding a way to be away from the baby (going back to work is a great idea) may be the easiest for the time being.

@MoonCatcher you definitely do not need to be diagnosed wi he depression to have an antidepressant prescribed. They when them out like candy after a 5 minutes conversation.

Something else that helped me after a traumatic birth was a debrief with a specialist midwife (requested via Gp)

@Usergenerated186

I could cry at how lovely you all are. Thank you so much. And thank you for all the helpful advice. I appreciate it so much.

This is what mumsnet should be all about. I hope we have helped you OP

I agree with the others about moving from breast feeding. As mums we carry a lot of guilt on our shoulders 'must breast feed' 'must attend all appointments' 'must be there if DS/DD is sick and work can go hang'.

Our DS was very ill when he was born - undiagnosed heart condition. I'd planned to breast feed but a rush to a hospital almost 100 miles away when he was two weeks old, an infection from a C-Section and all the stress put me into complete head spinning panic. I never really got into any breast feeding routine. I met the breast feeding 'guru' we'd seen at the anti natal classes at an event when DS was 6 months old and I told her how guilty I felt that he'd gone (almost immediately) on the bottle. Her words made me realise I was a good mum 'Is he feeding? Do you enjoy the cuddles you have when you feed him? Is he gaining weight? Yes? Then he's doing well and that's down to you. You're feeding him and you're doing an excellent job'. It's a few months in the whole of the rest of their lives. If bottle feeding will help you, then switch. No one else's business.

If you do switch it'll mean DH can take over sometimes. Our DS was the devil at sleeping. But DH took over on Friday and Saturday nights so I could have uninterrupted sleep and we took it in turns to the 'wee small hours' the rest of the week. That helped me so much. DH also took over at the weekend if I wanted a few hours to myself (just window shopping or sitting in a cafe or getting a facial - when we could!) DH was also lucky in that he had earned some airmiles which he gave to me to spend on a hotel break - just the one night - every 3 to 4 months. I used to go into London, see a show, meet up with old friends, have a glass or two of wine and a nice 'grown up' meal, trot back to the hotel. Next morning I would go to somewhere like Covent Garden or the British Museum and just soak it all in. It kept me sane and gave me something to look forward to. And that's really important. But DH being able to share that feeding regime allowed that to happen. Over the years he and DS have had quite a few 'boys weekends' - a trip out, pizza for dinner, McDs for lunch (it's once every 6 months or so - it won't kill either of them) and a Marvel film for the evening. It's benefitted them and it's certainly benefitted me.

It will get better. DS is 14 now and getting more independent. But my independence came back earlier because DH could step in.

Take care of yourself. Nap when you can (housework will still be there and DH is in a position to help with that), put your feet up with a cup of tea and a favourite programme or some music for 'cuddle time'. DS learned to love Murder She Wrote as I enjoyed it and it was on at that 'down time' spot I used to hit in the afternoon. So it was his toys all over the carpet, a snack and a drink for him, a cuppa for me and Angela Lansbury. Something to enjoy every day. I'd earned it!

Make a few meals and get them frozen when DH is able to take over baby duties. Or buy some ready meals so you don't have to start dinner if you've had a hard time with baby. One less chore when you're tired. Baby bath time and evening nappy changes can be DH's job if you continue breast feeding. You don't, and shouldn't, have to do it all.

I am in awe at one of the mums who is expecting no9 in my village. Why?!?!

Yes I agree with some of what you say. It's relentless at times, no doubt about it. I have four DC and it's the summer holidays!😩

I felt like this. The lack of sleep over days and weeks finally makes you crazy. My DH said I was "running on empty."

We "solved" it by getting me a solid block of sleep in the evening.

When DH came in from work we'd eat it an early dinner and I would go to bed. DH entertained and fed baby until midnight. We moved to mixed feeding as DH gave him a bottle during his time. The rest of the feeds were breastfeeding, but that was entirely my choice.

This helped me recover and I felt able to get up and do all the other wakeups. DH and I didn't see each other much on weeknights for a couple of months. After that DS started sleeping through. so we went back to normal!

It is a really hard time but it won't last forever.

Just on the breastfeeding point OP, with DS2 his sleep was terrible and at 8 months I had just had enough and switched him to formula- it was almost magical the difference it made to his sleep. I didn’t feel guilty at all and you shouldn’t either - making it to 7 months is brilliant, but you can finish if it is going to help you because helping you will help him too. If nothing else, it will mean that you can get your partner to take the night wakings and you can hopefully get a decent night’s sleep, which can help immensely.
You will get through this and you will get to the good times - when they can walk and talk they become much more fun.

Just want to say I felt exactly how you describe after having my 1st ds, I remember it really vividly. I always feel guilty for feeling this way because although I absolutely loved my ds I just didn’t feel as though he had made my life better, in fact it all felt like a train wreck and I wished I could turn back time. I did go on to have two more children and I remember when they were born I felt an overwhelming happiness that made it all feel worthwhile and I didn’t feel the same way about them. I always feel guilty that I didn’t feel instant love and completion with my first born, it was all such a slog.
Now my eldest is almost 12 and he is the most gorgeous child and I obviously absolutely adore him and the love for him is the same as my other two children.
My point to this is…I think what you are feeling is very much more normal than people think. Having spoken openly with friends about how I felt/ my experience, a lot of them describe similar feelings about their first borns. I just want to say that, you will adjust and your life will become normal to you again. And I think that your feelings of regret will disappear gradually. Be kind to yourself.