If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

Oh my God OP I’ve just read your update. No wonder you’re struggling after all that surgery and those physical problems, that sounds absolutely horrific.

And please don’t feel guilty about stopping breastfeeding, very few mums are still doing it at 7 months and it’s in the first few months when the bay gets most benefit. You are an amazing mum to persevere with it and put your baby first when you’ve been going through such an awful time yourself.

And don’t feel guilty for going back to work early. When I had mine everyone went back at 6 months or earlier and no kids suffered. In fact I think mine benefitted from being at nursery and having lots of little friends. Could you go part-time initially to ease yourself in? Ooh so restful to sit at your work desk! for you OP

*baby not bay obvs!

I know someone who said the exact words you’ve said when she had her child. This was 30 years ago, I met her at antenatal class and we still keep in touch. Her life was travelling around the world with her husband with his job, eating in very smart places, going to balls and events, sounded like an amazing life. She really resented her baby even though she really wanted a child. But it really put a spanner in the works !

She didn’t get therapy but the child did well at school and uni and got a good job. Now she spends time travelling again with her retired husband.

Absolutely don't feel guilty about giving up bf! You have given your DC a great start and they will continue to thrive on formula.

This is how I have felt for the last two years. My DD2 has been a massive challenge as has pushed me to my limit. She has just turned two and has become a total babe! Her language has improved, shes dropped her nap so we dont have to be home for 11:30 and my DD1 and her are playing together. It's like my life has improved beyond measure in 3 weeks.

You may have a few more months of crap, but it really will get better.

I have a 9, 7 and 1 year old and honestly the first 2/3 years are so hard. My 2 older ones are an absolute joy to be around now they are older and we can really enjoy doing things together. You'll get over this difficult stage :)

I had fertility treatment for my so desperately wanted children
It was definitely NOT how I had planned in my head. I was miserable she was a miserable baby. I remember actually saying to her dad. I hate her
If breastfeeding is detrimental to your wellbeing that is every reason to stop you've fine amazing to get this far.
I now have 3 children (adults) and they are amazing would I choose the same path again. I'm not sure either
But 100% it gets easier and better when they become proper little people

It’s so hard isn’t it and this is the reality of having a baby on the whole, not the sugar coated lies you see on social media.
It does get easier. If you can get some sleep that would help. Please tell your husband how you truly feel. You are not a burden to anyone. Can you nap in the day if your baby sleeps then.
I think people are too quick to throw in a pnd diagnosis, when in actuality fact this is the brutal reality for so many.

This is so sad. You poor thing. I’ve read many similar stories.
I think as women we are told we should have children to be fulfilled but to be honest if we don’t it doesn’t make us any less valuable as a woman.
This post is very sad :(

I'm so sorry to hear this. Do seek support. If you can see a therapist - please do it.

This is something I worry about. I've been having fertility treatment for years and hope to have children. But every now and then I become overwhelmed with worry that if it does work and I have a baby, will I like it? Will my life just feel like endless chaos?
Will I ever get to watch a film or read a book again?
Will I ever get to sit in silence and just relax? I worry I'll be terrible at it or that it will be too much.
Social media can make it all look so rosy and care free. I know so many parents who have said they've struggled - especially in the first couple of years. It isn't spoken about enough though really.

Don’t feel guilty about stopping breast feeding. Your son will be eating chicken nuggets at McDonalds in a few years time !
And yes, get back to work as you will start feeling a bit more you.

I gave up bf at three months each time just so I could get more sleep and then escape back to work. So I was massively selfish. Not depressed at all, just tired and needed regular time away. So what? No one died. The DC don't remember, we're all bonded well enough. I preserved my mental health and my pension looks great.

Gosh you've drawn a difficult hand with your surgical requirements OP - it must be so much harder to mentally take time away from your baby if your body is always reminding you. Your comment about extending the same freedoms to yourself that you would unquestionably offer to other women is a really important one. I, like you, no doubt, given your job, was used to being near the top of the pack academically and professionally. Things tended to come pretty easily to me. Having my baby was my first experience of not being able to do something really well, of not finding it easier than other people did. The crash down to reality was horrible. It doesn't matter if you're smart and competent with a baby, they still won't sleep, or eat or whatever it is that's their particular foible. The fact is that the WHO advice to breastfeed until 2 is based on a worldwide perspective where many communities don't have reliable access to clean water or a wide variety of nutrition. In our culture of plenty, with safe formula, for a baby who is already weaning, you would certainly not be letting down your baby by moving on to formula. Going back to work would also not be letting him/her down - another way of looking at that is gifting them an even closer bond with their dad, and a mum who is happier and more content.

*I am breastfeeding, and have been considering giving it up for the sake of getting some help and rest’

Op I stopped at 6 months, it made a real difference. They are going on solids and need it a lot less any way. How much are you bf? I actually used to do one formula feed and rest bf in first 6 months, so I could sleep more than one hour straight and dh could take over. You have to do what works for you! I remember crying with guilt. I will be a lot more forgiving of myself with future dc.
It’s about being a happy mum too.
I agree a traumatic birth may be playing a part too ( I had one too ) try and get some counselling if you can to talk about that. I hope your physical symptoms improve a lot too.
Good idea to go back to work and your dp share the leave.
You will feel better - hang in there

Another one here who can really empathise. I remember thinking “what have I done?” A LOT in the early days. It shocked me to my core how different the experience was to what is imagined.

Could you contact the charity Homestart? I volunteer for them and support women who feel like this. I think it helps to talk to someone who wont judge you and will understand what you’re going through.

Your husband sounds brilliant and proactive, going back to work early sounds like a good idea for you. I know it’s so hard, but try not to feel guilty about that. Do what makes you happy and you will all benefit from it x

You have bf until 7 months in these difficult circumstances? Respect.

Give yourself permission to stop now. I managed 3 weeks each time and cried my eyes out for days when I had to stop. It was killing me though….literally. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, it can be impossible to see a way through at the time.

Stopping bf will be a massive step forward for you. Enough is enough now.

I haven't read all the replies, but please do ensure you're seeking help. You may have post natal depression. 7 months is still really young and it gets much easier as they get older. Now mine are a bit older (3 and 5) we are doing lots of fun things as a family. Watching my eldest learn to read and write is amazing. I have the funniest conversations with them and we laugh a lot. I have my freedom back to go out in the evenings and I'm getting sleep again.

My life won't ever be the same as pre kids but in some ways its better. Of course its not all roses, sometimes they fight a lot and that can be hard work. I would say having a 2nd child is the best thing we ever did, seeing them play together. Its also easier than 1 child in many ways as they play well together most of the time and I can have a break while they play.

Hang in there and it will get easier.

above all know that the experience of having a seven month old isn't what being a mother is

That really resonated with me. Honestly OP, I found the first months hard, in fact I'd say I was in shock - I just hadn't realised, stupid as it may sound, what it was going to be like and how it would be so all-consuming.

BUT, fast forward to the time soon coming when you will get a few hours off - and then nursery will be on the horizon - and then to your bright-eyed little person clutching a book bag coming out of school where he has been ALL DAY - and then to where you will be eventually - where your old you will have returned.

The school years (starting at 2.5/3 in my case when they went to nursery school) were an absolute game-changer for me and when I started to positively enjoy being a mother, there's a lot of fun and interesting things ahead of you which will open up... but I know that's not a lot of comfort NOW, and I just want you to know really that I too and many other women, maybe most, did not enjoy, even hated, the first year when the baby is taking everything and not giving much back; but went on to grow into the experience to the point of a new sort of happiness you haven't had a chance to glimpse yet.

By the way, you've done amazingly to BF for 7 months. Rest on your laurels now! That will make a difference all by itself; you won't feel so (literally) consumed.

I am so sorry you feel like that. I went to back full time when the babies were two weeks (yes weeks not months) and that really helped as you have your old life. Are you back at work full time? Going back might make all the difference.

I was like this and didn't have a proper bond with ds for the first year of his life.It was going through the motions rather than feeling happiness.
Hes 7 now and I love him so hard it hurts.It got easier and more fun as time went on.You can do this.

Your posts have really moved me and I just wanted to send love and solidarity.

Becoming a mother is a brutal shock mentally and physically even in the most fortunate of circumstances - and yours have been really extra tough. It’s totally understandable you feel how you do. (And don’t let anyone make you feel it’s not.)

So much great and compassionate words of wisdom have already been shared, so I won’t add much, other than to say that sharing this stuff is so important (I think often keeping the fear and regret inside lets it fester and escalate) and hopefully a bit therapeutic in itself. And to say I hope with all my heart that this time in 6 months, a year, you feel a bit more “yourself” again

@Usergenerated186

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

See I dont get this at all - Im sorry your not happy but you need to change things within yourself and your life to re-find your happiness but advising others that they will 'ruin their life' if they have kids is way OTT.

My children are what give my life fullfillment and purpose, I wonder what the purpose of my life even was before the existed?

To what wake up, float around with nothing to really do except work in the rat race until death just to pay bills? only abaited by dossing around with friends and having 'fun' by drinking in between to forget we are being a slave to the grind.

I also have way more hobbies now from getting into clubs with my kids etc... things I never would have thought to do, they allow you to relive the best bits of the innocents of childhood and all the fun things you become 'too old for' without kids.

Im more interesting too purely because Im older and wiser so know more interesting things (which tbf would probably happen with or without kids as its an age and learning thing).

As for being vibrant and fun thats probably subjective to peoples indervidual views.

OP of course life changes drastically when you have a child.
But there will be many phases to parenthood - you are in a very intense phase at the moment, the baby needs you 24/7, in the future you will get more of your old self back. Try to remember that when you feel trapped. Motherhood is great - but it is the hardest thing in the world by a million miles.

I’m sorry you are finding it so hard, many of us did.

If there is a single thing that makes all the difference, it is having a proper rest at night while you sleep. Sleep depravation can make you snappy, lowers your levels of tolerance, increases your anxiety and can even make you feel, in the long run, as if life is not worth living.

We opted for sleep training, not easy for a few days but worked really well for all of us. Some people say that is cruel on the child but honestly, a few nights of misery are better than endless months of a mum that is too tired to play, enjoy the day or even have the patience to deal with problems calmly.

I would also go back to the GP and ask them to the sertraline changed. It might not be working for you.

I got it for menopausal symptoms (FFS?!?!?) and went from sleeping 5 hours at night to 30 minutes in the whole day. There were a lot of people who told me to persevere but I ditched it after a few weeks, the lack of sleep was so bad all the symptoms I was taking it for felt 100 times worse. Go back to the GP, they can change it for something that works better for you, you don’t need to be put through this hell just because the think it would get better in weeks or months time.

Also dont feel guilty about quitting breastfeeding, one of the main benefits is bonding, if thats not working and making your life harder then stop.

Your child will benefit more from you being happy and comfortable than from where their milk comes from and its already been a long time no shame in stopping at all.