If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

Hang in there!!! You are still grieving your old life, and I PROMISE you won't feel this way forever.
Having a baby was a massive shock and life change for me too. I was late 30s, used to going out all the time with friends and boyfriend , having lots of interests. Then I felt that part of my life was literally snatched away overnight and replaced with this huge responsibility of caring for a tiny baby . The early days really are relentless, boring, sleep deprived and thankless .
Any big loss or life change (including having a baby ) can bring about the grieving process but you will come out of the other side . Therapy and most of all just the passing of time helped me. Now my daughter is 6 and is much more independent and fun and lovely to be around . You say you have a supportive partner... make the most of that and take time for yourself to do things that you used to love doing , or meeting friends and being you, not just a 'mum'. I went back to full time work at 6 months which also helped with getting back to feeling myself again not stuck in the house all day.
I promise it gets better.... do persevere with the ADs if you can, you need to weather the side effects for a few weeks before you start to feel normal . Oh and highly recommend the book "After the Storm" by Emma Jane Unsworth about her struggle with it all too

I felt exactly like this! One of the things that helped me so much at the start was a friend getting in touch early on to tell me she had huge regrets at the start (and that one of her NCT friends had googled adoption agencies in the middle of night in the first couple of weeks).. I remember being so relieved that other people felt the same. I felt so trapped, and also remember being absolutely furiously angry at the world for big trick of making me think it would be ok.
My son is now 17 months and oh my god it’s like a different world, I genuinely feel so much better and happier (but am definitely definitely not having a second as I know I would be right back there).
My other half took 3 months shared parental at the start so was there full time, and he then got made redundant 2 days before he was due to go back to work, and only freelanced from home on and off from about 7 months - so just to say we had 2 adults looking after one baby full time and we both couldn’t cope (there was less insane sobbing from him but otherwise he felt the same).. I think it was helpful for me that he really saw how hard it was and agreed!
My son was always a dreadful sleeper which was definitely the crux of it, but agreed with other posters about the monotony and constancy of looking after them in the day as well.
The thing that turned it around for me was he started nursery at 9.5 months, I sent him a few weeks earlier than planned as I just couldn’t cope. It was tough as he wouldn’t take a bottle and wasn’t great with solids (I also solely bf), but the nursery were amazing.. they also couldn’t get him to take a bottle but they worked on the solids and after the first week (of only part days) he started eating fine. We then also sleep trained about a month later (once settled in at nursery) and that worked amazingly.. I had planned to co-sleep but he really didn’t like it so sleep training worked well for us. (ALL BABIES ARE DIFFERENT!)
I think nursery really worked for me because there was very little guilt attached to it for me (I'm sure very different for others), I was paying them and it was their job and therefore I could let go quite a bit.

Thank you so much to everyone here who has responded so supportively, something like this would have been a godsend for me.
OP - hang in there, it really does get better!!

Hey OP. I’ve just read this in a national newspaper and joined especially to comment. I know you’ve now had 18 pages of support but it was the fact you said you felt so alone and your world became small that really got to me. This honestly is so, so familiar and sadly normal. Having a baby turns your world upside down and friends who haven’t had kids do struggle to understand. But don’t think that conversations about baby-related stuff aren’t interesting / funny! You’re still that entertaining person - your stories will just be different for a bit. I’ve got 3 kids under 4 and all my good friends are single. It’s been a struggle but if you can, carve out time to do ‘adult’ things. Leave your little one with hubby for a couple of hours if you can and glam yourself up and go for a glass of wine with a friend. (I know, you’ll feel exhausted and like you’d rather just go to bed, but it will help!). We also got a sleep consultant in when my first little one was 7 months and a HORRENDOUS sleeper and I can’t recommend it enough. Also find a close network nearby so you can coffee and cake with fellow mums and build a social life around your baby (not sure where you’re based but do PM me if you’re east London / Essexish!). Be kind to yourself. Be selfish - time on your own is needed at this stage, even if just for a bath! Get as MUCH help as you can - from anyone! Ask the GP for meds again if you feel you need it - citalopram is a similar drug to sertraline but people react very differently to the 2, so it might work for you.
Finally, 7 months is a tough age. You give a LOT and realistically get very, very little back. Things will change - sleep will honestly make a MASSIVE difference, as will finding a new social pattern which you can gradually expand again as little one gets older. I also reckon, once their personality starts shining through and they can toddle round on their own, you’ll feel differently. Hang on in there. You are definitely not alone - there’s a world of mums here cheering for you xxxx

@Tashcw what a lovely message

It sounds like you have PND lovely. My little one is a terrible sleeper and it really does take it’s toll. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but things do get better. Is there anyone who can take the lo once a week or something to give you a chance to have some time to yourself and catch up on sleep? When you feel like this having a break can make a massive difference. I have PND and really struggled with keeping patient to start with but my wee boy goes away one night a week and it honestly makes such a difference me having that 1 day to unwind. I got the insomnia with sertraline too but I kept fighting past it and now they do the world of good, if this isn’t an option for you get in touch with your doctor and tell them you need some support xx

I seen your post come up on 'The Sun'

I totally get it. Hit the reset button and never put yourself through it ever again.

I had my first child at 16, had to grow up quick. Didn't get to 'live my life'. It sunk in that actually this was my life now. My tummy was and still is wrecked - never been able to wear a bikini. Mentally I was so angry at myself. Why did I ever think this would be a great experience?

After the first year onwards I could not imagine my life without him! Now a 10yo I wish I cherished the experience more, even the bad moments! His every achievment is a reflection of me; my hard work and tears along the way.

It WILL get better! I promise. One day you will look back and question why you ever thought it! One day you will like the idea of having another one, crazy I know!
You are his whole world & one day he will spread his wings and venture into this world - it will all have been worth it. You'll be proud of all you have sacraficed and the opportunity to be 'mum'.

I now have a 3 month old daughter, the same feelings have set in but I know this time; it will all be OK, it will all be worth it and I will be happy me again.

Remind yourself - you're doing great 😊

@Thinkwell such a nice comment. Hope you and your baby are doing well

I wish i could have screamed it from the rooftops.instead of harbouring it all inside. These exact feelings.
They talk of post depression..but i think its loosing everything you once were..what you workded hard to become. The life you loved..the young woman you were abd the boring and tired persone you have become. Cant even recognise yourself . My son is 2 and a half now..and..its getteing better and easier. I just want you to know ur not alone. Itll take time...things will fall back into their rightfull places. Your baby will need u less and less. And as he does ..you will rediscover yourself more and more. Sending all my love

I literally felt like this up until I'd say about 1year old, I literally thought I wanted to die. Everyone else's babies were sleeping through, mine waking 3-4 times a night, naps were disgusting, I had absolutely no support, the first COVID lockdown happened 2 weeks before her 1st birthday which made everything even worse. It felt like utter hell, absolutely horrendous. But, not long after that, I started enjoying it, when she got on her feet and was able to communicate way better. Shes 2 and 3months now, and I absolutely love it, if I could I would bring her everywhere with me. Don't get me wrong, there are still times where I think wtf is this. She started sleeping through at about 18 months and I stopped breastfeeding as I felt super resentful with that after a while. But the sleeping through really helped. I know now I'm out the other side, it's easy to say, but you will do, and in reality, you have to get through it, and you will, because you are amazing xx

I'm really glad to come back to this thread. I have a 5 year old and a 9 month old and it's hard.
Lovely to read all the supportive messages.

OP, you’re not alone and well done for being brave enough to say how you feel. I had my 2nd 4 months ago after 3 years of ttc and 4 losses. So I was overjoyed when he arrived but that soon turned into despair. He wouldn’t sleep without being held and when he was awake he just cried - nothing wrong with him (took him to see a paediatrician just to be sure), just a miserable baby.

After 6 weeks of this and totally exhausted, the feelings of regret came in, followed by anxiety which led to severe insomnia. Everyone said it was PND but I wasn’t convinced. I went to see a psychiatrist who also wasn’t sure I had PND but said sertraline would help the anxiety, and it has. To lessen the side effects I started with half a dose for a week.

Although the anxiety has gone I’ve realised that being home 24/7 with a challenging baby is not good for my mental health so I’m going back to work part time (I’m also a solicitor) when DS is 6 mths old. My kids are better off with a happy and healthy mum 3 days a week than a mum that is a total mess 7 days a week.

I hope things improve for you very soon.

So sorry to hear you feel like this. My DS is 18 months and I found the first year really tough. The sleep deprivation was horrendous, total torture. There is nothing that can prepare you for it. All against a backdrop of being in lockdown with a newborn and cut off from social contacts.

We ended up speaking with a sleep consultant when DS was 6 months, who had a very gentle approach, strict routine but no CIO, with a focus on getting DS as full of healthy food as possible before bedtime to avoid waking from hunger. My DS did end up sleeping through (just before first birthday). It has been life changing. He doesn’t sleep through every night (teething always sets us back a lot) but it is almost every night when he’s feeling well.

I also found Just Chill Mama had useful content on Instagram which I followed too and that helped me with settling at night and for naps. Her approach is really warm and I didn’t find it patronising or political (which some other Instagram pages can be a bit).

There are a few specific charities / organisations who offer advice / counselling for new mums who might be able to help too, depending on where you’re based.

It will get better. This is the hardest part. You will get through it and realise how incredibly well you’ve done to have gotten through this. Sending hugs and strength!

I feel the exact same. I was 18 when I fell pregnant, depressed and living alone with no boyfriend. I didn’t officially find out until I was 5 months pregnant and my family guessed around 5 and a half months because I’d never take off my coat! (I was too ashamed to tell anyone). By then, it was pretty much too late to do anything about it. I feel awful speaking about this now because she’s 11 and I wouldn’t change her for the world. I wish I had the same child but under better circumstances, one of which being my age! It’s been SO hard financially doing it all alone for so long and it feels as though I’m never going to get out of this rut. I do work and am fortunate enough to do it around school hours but this means I can’t earn enough money as I’d like to. I also feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I very rarely go on nights out (maybe 3x per year if that). I have no friends and I’d love to travel but I’m stuck. I feel very trapped but at the same time, there’s no way I could live without her. I’ve been single for 11 years now. My whole life revolves around my daughter so I don’t plan on finding a boyfriend until she’s older and there will be no more children for me. I take fluxotine tablets which made me feel tired at first and even more depressed than usual but that feeling subsided after about 6-8 weeks.

Sorry for the long winded post but I felt like this resonated with me quite a bit. I really hope you start to feel better about everything soon.xx

I remember this feeling all too well, unfortunately. My DC is 11 months now.

Please talk to your GP and seek help with with PND. It gets better, I promise you ❤

@Mistyplanet

I feel sad reading your OP. I just cant relate to it. Yes its hard and you sacrifice things but you have a wonderful gift of a new child. Id rather have a child than a great body or time for hobbies etc. Ive got 3 children and each time ive sacrificed things. But I look at them and i feel blessed. You always have to give up somethings whatever path in life you choose. Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful. I hope your son wont be aware that you regret having him.

@Mistyplanet

And I hope your children won't become aware that their mother is a self-righteous idiot who has no regard for the feelings of a woman who is truly suffering......

I hope your shitty little comments made you feel better about yourself, now run along.

I'm going to read this thoroughly later (I've just found out I'm pregnant and what I've read so far is a real eye opener). You've given me real food for thought OP.

Sorry that I don't have any advice for you but I really hope things start looking up for you soon. X

Hi OP, well done for sharing how you feel, very difficult to do. I know i have been there & felt exactly the same, as times still do. A perfect example i would push my twins in their pram when they were about 2 months or so & I would see other parents with more than one child going about their daily lives & thought they were crazy for having more than one child. Thinking this is the hardest thing I have ever done, why would anyone do it more than once!!!!
Unfortunately it turns out I was suffering with severe postnatal depression & aniexty.
But also as others have added being mother is bloody hard work (noone ever wants to admit this), its taboo & not something you discuss in the middle of a baby sensory class, etc. The change in lifestyle is dramatic & noone prepares you for this. If there was a job advert for being a parent, nobody would apply. Also having a baby in the middle of a pandemic-i cant even begin to imagine, the additional stress, changes to life/routine (mine are 2 years old so I didn't experience this).

These would be my suggestions to help you:
1st-I am of course not suggesting you have post-natal depression, but i would recommend you speak to your mental health nurse or gp, whoever you can speak to sooner & get them to refer you to the local perinatal mental health team-they may say who are you talking about. Not many people know about them.
www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/perinatal/

They can offer you specialist support, talking therapies, medication (there maybe a wait)
From my experience Venlafaxine is the antidepressant which works for post-natal depression. Sertraline seems to be the anti-depressant to go to, but it made me worse. But some antidepressants can the first few weeks of adjustment.
Look into these support organisations
pandasfoundation.org.uk/

2nd-get as much sleep as you can (as already mentioned) sleep deprivation is complete torture. You need to catch up on loads, you've missed so much as a new mummy & the stress you've been going through. Its easier said than done. But if sleeping at home is not settling for you as baby is there, the guilt, etc, if possible visit family/friend & just say can I fall asleep in your spare room/sofa for the night. Or stay in a hotel (if finances allow). Partner can hopefully cope (again dont understand full situation, breastfeeding, bottle, combination of the two). Also don't put to much pressure to keep breastfeeding if this is situation & why difficulty to sleep (not to start any debate here on which is or isn't best), but healthy mummy is in my opinion more important. So maybe review situation here, discuss with partner. (I breastfeed & expressed for 8 weeks & in the end I just couldn't keep doing it, so much guilt at stopping-but it was the best thing in my situation).

3rd-get slowly back into your hobbies, when you are feeling low, its so hard to do, your mind says no!! But it is so important. E.g. horse riding is my thing & is had played a fundermental part in my recovery & feeling like myself again. Your partner sounds great & explain, show this reply & he will help. It is so tough for partners & you feel so guilty as your not spending every minute with your baby.
But you need to be compassionate to yourself. There is a theory could compassion therapy. New mums are not very compassionate to themselves, instead worried about everyone & everything else. But this is key, you still are the person you were before being a mum, you just have to adjust & rediscover how to balance this person with your new mummy role.

4th-dont try & be superwoman, you can't do it all - I am not very good at this one (hope the humor helps) but don't push yourself too hard, be kind to yourself. Celebrate the successes & take one minute/one day at a time (the amount of times people told me that - I was screaming inside thinking you have no idea). But its true, take things one step at a time, things will get better.

5th- there maybe a delay in the perinatal mental health team assessment/support. So look into counselling maybe an option (not sure regarding your finances & the ability to do this). Also if you are employed/ on mat leave a number of employers have employee assistance programmes which often includes 6 counselling sessions. So maybe look into this.

6th - give yourself time, all the above does take time

The reason I share this is I have been at rock bottom, to hell & back & I have come out the other side. Not every moment is sunshine as a mummy (going through potty training at the moment i can assure you of this) but i have a happy life balance the majority of the time, it does take a huge amount of work to achieve this. I have gone back to work (my boys love nursery & auntie/nana daycare), i got a fabulous new job (career development & promotion), two amazing children, i ride/compete my horse when I can - my boys love my hobby - although the majority of the time it is far from compatible. I appreciate my true, amazing & supportive friends & do things with & without the children. Holidays maybe more building sandcastles, than sunbathing with my favourite book & truly relaxing. Me & my partners relationship has been tested to the limit & so have relationships with family.
It is a difficult concept for people to understand, motherhood should bring so much joy. Unless people have experienced it themselves they will sometimes never understand & have true empathy.

I hope this helps. You are not alone in feeling like this, many mummys do, they just don't have the strength to share. Remember you shared because you wanted support, advice, etc & this is a big step. Sending big hugs xx

So man people mentioning sleep - I sleep trained my two younger children and it is a game changer. The goal should be to get a baby to settle in their cot alone, in a room alone - there is no substitute for that, for your own rest and mental wellbeing! I have heard stories of six year olds refusing to settle anywhere but their parents' bed, it sounds horrendous! Didn't realise that there were actually paid sleep consultants, but sounds well worth doing.

When they were properly on solids and able to sleep through the night -about 7/8 months? I went in and comforted them when they cried without lifting them - reassured them that I was there - then left again, leaving the night light on. Difficult, had to do it several times and so hard to listen to your baby cry, but it works. I think breastfeeding can make babies very clingy and when they fall asleep feeding, they just can't settle to fall asleep themselves in a cot. It's a nightmare!

This was me. I remember absolutely hating my life all I wanted to do was run away. I wish I had never had kids, I wanted my old life back so bad and no one understood. I was diagnosed with quite bad PNDA and was quickly medicated on Escitalopram (in the morning) and Quetiapine (at night to help sleep). It took about 6 weeks to notice a difference but it was the best thing I ever did. 6 months on and my mental state is in such a better place. I saw a councillor for a 12 week program, sleep and development clinic for the twins, learnt all about their cues to avoid the meltdowns and saw an OT to learn how to manage the anxiety and anger. Don’t get me wrong, I still get into those dark places where I hate my life but those days are now few and far between not every day.
I miss my old life but it’s important to get a hobby and try and make this new life work some how. Focus on yourself and your mindset and hopefully in a few months you will feel a hell of a lot better.
Sending you positive vibes and all the strength to get through this shit time.

I also recommend to do baby signing. I didn’t attend any classes just got a book from Amazon. We didn’t have to learn 100s of signs, 5 or 6 were enough: milk, food, more, don’t touch and one DS made himself to let us know he wanted to go to bed. He was signing back at 11 months and, as he could communicate his basic needs to us he very very rarely cried.

It made life much easier for him and us.

@GrandmasCat

I also recommend to do baby signing. I didn’t attend any classes just got a book from Amazon. We didn’t have to learn 100s of signs, 5 or 6 were enough: milk, food, more, don’t touch and one DS made himself to let us know he wanted to go to bed. He was signing back at 11 months and, as he could communicate his basic needs to us he very very rarely cried.

It made life much easier for him and us.

Yes! We got a book on this too and mine started signing milk, nappy change and food, tired really young and it was amazing.

@Dannyandsandy

Just for the record, you don’t need to have PND to feel this way. Having children can wreck your mental heath, your body that you will never get back, your finances and freedom. Women need to be educated about the reality and not be influenced so heavily on social media. I feel for you OP.

Absolutely this.

Mine are adults. I love my children but I fucking hate being a parent. It's ruined my physical and mental health and they both have mental health problems.

If I could take it back I would.