If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

I haven't been able to read all the replies here but I just wanted to reach out... firstly to say how BRAVE and strong you are for addressing how you are feeling and secondly to say you are not alone. Two months ago I posted on here saying I was genuinely suicidal due to my 8 month old's nightmare sleep and general motherhood-regret. I was exhausted, at the end of my rope, not enjoying motherhood (although I adore my son) and honestly could not do one more single day. I regretted becoming a mother and longed for my old life. I really don't exaggerate when I say I honestly did not want to carry on.

However, two months later, and thanks to some advice from this wonderful Mumsnet village, I am in a better place. Things are not perfect and I have very low days but I am definitely no longer suicidal and am really enjoying my son a lot more. He is 10 months now... I honestly believe that as he has got older I have found it more fulfilling and less suffocating. I believe the posts here from others that say as they get older, it does get better.

The biggest thing that helped me was going to my GP. I thought there was absolutely nothing that could be done to help me other than to turn back to clock but she got me urgent help from the crisis perinatal mental health team who helped me understand that how I felt, although common, is not normal and I did not have to feel that way forever. Their support plans were absolutely life saving and has given me back a bit of hope and a brilliant relationship with my son.

Please, please seek professional help. You are doing incredible reaching out on here, take the next step. Sending you love, you are an incredible mum doing an amazing job in such a difficult time.

@Lostmyway86 I am sure it does get better for many women who feel the same as the OP BUT no way does it get better for everyone.

Unless you can see into the future you cannot say for sure that things always get better that is just silly.

Oh god the Daily Mail have been trawling Mumsnet and this has made it to there site now. Sorry about that, you were reaching out for support and the paper decided to print an article on something so raw and personal to you. I'm actually going to stop looking at that site now.

@UnluckyMe

Oh god the Daily Mail have been trawling Mumsnet and this has made it to there site now. Sorry about that, you were reaching out for support and the paper decided to print an article on something so raw and personal to you. I'm actually going to stop looking at that site now.

I just saw it on there too. The DM and its troll commenters are such scum.

Really hope you get the support you need OP.

Theyve removed it from their homepage now but still, feels so insensitive to do something like that when OP was reaching out for help. Motherhood is hard without that shit happening! Surely mumsnet have the ability to stop it from happening.

Hey OP

I’m another one who has just joined to reply to your post. Lots of great advice given by others on sleep training and getting help.

“I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.”

I just wanted to say that you can get back to the vibrant interesting person you were. I also suffered with my mental health and had a non-sleeper, but it did get gradually better. Having a babysitter look after him for a few hours a week when he was 8 months really helped and then I went back to work part time at 11 months, and full time when he was 2. My brain is back to normal (I genuinely worried it had disappeared forever), walking helped lose the baby weight and seeing various therapists have boosted my mental health.

Most of all I’ll be sincerely praying that you get all the help that you must certainly deserve. As I’ve got older I’ve become quite a spiritual person and have found the chant nam-mythology-renge-kyo contains great power. Do look up Nichiren Buddhism if that interests you. Physically you may be alone but spiritually you will have many with you.

Sending love to you and your family

X

See, Internet forums like this are part of the problem. They’re full of bad advice. Half of that advice is probably written by kids who are employed by Mumsnet to liven up the message boards.

I would ignore anyone who says that babies don’t sleep and that the only way to get them to sleep is to let them sleep on you or in your bed. That is really bad advice. The amount of people on here who claim that babies don’t sleep is proof that most people on here are (1) clueless and (2) their own worst enemy.

I’ll give you a bit of advice: put your baby in a cot, close the door and walk away. He will go to sleep. He might grizzle a bit if he has got used to drinking milk constantly or sleeping on you, but eventually, and sooner than you think, he will go to sleep and you will both feel better for it.

If he is used to being fed all day and night, give him a bottle at four hourly intervals. For your own sanity, read the Contented Baby Book and follow it.

The first couple of years of a baby’s life don’t have to be a living hell for either the mother or the baby, but you won’t hear many people on here say that.

.

Is Courtney Pochin from the daily mirror still hanging around on this thread?

Feel free to email your complaint directly to the snake at her work email address that is public on her Twitter profile.

twitter.com/courtneypochin?s=21

Hi OP I was in a similar position to you with my first, but without the added abdominal surgery, you poor thing.

I think it seems obvious to me that you have PND, which happens a lot with complicated births. I did and was encouraged to go on medication. It made me feel worse but I stuck with it as it's meant to take a while to work. After six months I gave up and very carefully came off it, following doctor's guidelines (I would be very wary of anti-depressants).

My DH changed careers after six months too so I had to go back to work earlier than planned, which really helped. When I was feeling like you it was like my life before my baby was like a different person's, and that the way I felt at that time would last for years.

But little by little I improved and was actually feeling back to normal a year and a half later and ready to try for our second (which I didn't have PND with).

The thing that helped me the most I think was forcing myself to be sociable even though I had really bad insomnia at the time. I never let my friends know how I felt either, as I wanted to be taken out of myself when I was with them.

You'll get through this and be kind to yourself

Thank you so much for your honesty @Usergenerated186 I’ve had this same thought many times with my 11 month-old. It just feels relentlessly hard sometimes!

It’s also difficult to talk about as there seems to be a general consensus that when a woman becomes a mother she must be all self-sacrificing, including her own well-being. This is BS- pumping was making me miserable to the point of depression. When I gave it up things really improved and consequently I was in a much more positive and energised state to be able to look after my baby.

I would really recommend you take any opportunity for a break. If you have family around could someone take the baby for an afternoon? I live abroad so don’t have my family nearby to support but my husband is happy for me to have some evenings ‘off’ to go out with friends.

Know that I’m with you, I relate, and I wish you well. You will get through this and you will regain your confidence.

I forgot to say, if breastfeeding is not working for you and making you exhausted, switch to a bottle and DO NOT feel guilty!

oh OP I feel for you I really do! There is some great advice on this thread and I do hope you give the sertraline another go or an alternative AD.
It DOES and WILL get better I promise x

Hey op it’s not you, you need some support mental health wise. It so hard and women are just expected to know that to do! As they grow up they become little friends, it’s not always this hard though sleep deprivation is awful when it’s happening to you. Look into a part time job maybe? Or getting out to groups and with friends? Not much help I’m sorry but you’ll be ok and have a fantastic life with your partner and son you just need to get through a really difficult time xxx

You are clearly depressed OP. I was on a depressed autopilot when mine was younger too but didn't know it I just thought having a baby was shit. It does get better. Millions better.

OP - I don't know if this is helpful so please feel free to just ignore. I have no personal experience, so I can't help in that way but I can tell you 100% you are absolutely not alone in how you feel. I don't have children through choice and when I tell parents that so many of them tell me I'm doing the right thing, not to change my mind, that they regret their children and similar. They always, always tell me that they can't tell other parents how they feel because they will judge them. Many friends have opened up to me and tell me about their parenting experience and then tell me not to tell mutual friends because they will think they're awful parents but the mutual friends they're asking me not to tell, tell me the same or similar things. You are absolutely not alone in feeling like this and I'm so glad you started this thread to get advice and experiences from others who have felt the same. I wish parents could discuss it in real life without feeling like they'd be judged and shamed because I think it would make things easier to cope with to have that real life support.

I hope things get better for you soon

All the best, op

EYProvider are you a mum, or an EY provider who only takes them during the day??

I have two. My first slept for no more than 3 hours at a time and we thought that bad enough. My second slept for no more than an hour at a time. Both for well over a year. They could not be settled easily and would cry constantly if we left them, not 'grizzle' for a bit and then settle. You clearly have no idea. We started co-sleeping out of necessity and self-defence: it is a very common habit around the world.

Op, if you're still reading, it's a case of that old baby advice - "this too shall pass". The lack of sleep is hard, the change to your life is hard, especially for women, especially in such a male-oriented, class-dominated, specialised and oligarchic economy like the UK.

@PickUpAPepper - I have 3 kids, so I have plenty of idea.

Telling someone to put a baby in bed with them or ‘let them sleep on you’ is bad advice. Babies need to sleep in their own space.

Better to cope with a few nights of the baby learning to self-settle than suffer 3, 4 even 11 years of hell, as people on here seem to do.

It is not normal and it’s not healthy for either the child or the parent.

But you're not teaching your baby to self settle EYProvider. You're teaching them you won't come to them if they need you.
Each to their own but don't go around saying it's bad advice to bedshare.
I agree 100% with PickUpAPepper. Mine have been the same. In a cot they would just cry and cry until sick and then cry some more. I know this from times I've had to leave for a few minutes to go to the toilet. I'm not willing to do that all night.
Bedsharing has meant I've got sleep and so have they.

Your post has really rubbed me the wrong way actually. Who says it's not normal?
When babies were initially strapped onto their parents or carried close by so as not to be eaten in the wild?

[quote EYProvider]@PickUpAPepper - I have 3 kids, so I have plenty of idea.

Telling someone to put a baby in bed with them or ‘let them sleep on you’ is bad advice. Babies need to sleep in their own space.

Better to cope with a few nights of the baby learning to self-settle than suffer 3, 4 even 11 years of hell, as people on here seem to do.

It is not normal and it’s not healthy for either the child or the parent.[/quote]
I shared a bed with DS for years. Who are you to say what's normal and healthy for other people? What's right for you isn't necessarily what's right for someone else.

I spent 3 years strictly not letting DS into my bed. He never learnt to self settle and I was on my knees. Now he can come in my bed when he wants and we all sleep so much better. If he didn't learn in three years he wasn't going to.

[quote EYProvider]@PickUpAPepper - I have 3 kids, so I have plenty of idea.

Telling someone to put a baby in bed with them or ‘let them sleep on you’ is bad advice. Babies need to sleep in their own space.

Better to cope with a few nights of the baby learning to self-settle than suffer 3, 4 even 11 years of hell, as people on here seem to do.

It is not normal and it’s not healthy for either the child or the parent.[/quote]
I mean this is just downright offensive to millions of people world wide who don’t follow your privileged, westernised ideal of ‘not normal and not healthy’.