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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

576 replies

Usergenerated186 · 28/06/2021 04:17

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

OP posts:
Babygotblueyes · 28/06/2021 20:00

Refer yourself to the local IAPT program - they should prioritize you as a woman with a child under 1 year old. Or talk to you GP about a referral to the peri-natal team. Take care x

Royalbloo · 28/06/2021 20:33

It's the sleep - you'll be ok x

Usergenerated186 · 28/06/2021 20:39

Hope that mirror journo feels ashamed. A person clearly vulnerable and at such a low point shouldn’t be fodder for speculation in a newspaper.

OP posts:
junipertree2 · 28/06/2021 20:41

Yeah, we really all need to know that Mirror reader 'Billy Bigun' needs us to learn that 'women have brought this upon themselves', and that a nice cup of tea with the in-laws will pull us out of the depths of PND. Because men know best, obviously.

Usergenerated186 · 28/06/2021 20:43

Billy Bigun is an idiot. My mother in law is wonderful and we have a great relationship. Maybe I did bring this upon myself, but it’s not for lack of positive family relationships.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 28/06/2021 20:48

How old are you ? It is hard love but it does get better. Avoid having 2 under 5 though as that is worse. Have any mum and baby groups opened up xx

NameChange30 · 28/06/2021 20:48

Yeah I read that ridiculous comment, what a twat! He'd get short shrift on here!

airtar · 28/06/2021 21:11

My god how horrific. Another newspaper yet again EXPLOITING someone who is feeling vulnerable and in need of some support. Absolutely disgusting. This isn't journalism at all.
VULTURES!

Fernando072020 · 28/06/2021 21:19

I can relate to this. my son is 1 next month. Colic, cmpa, constant whinging. It got much better for me at 9 months! Hang in there...

junipertree2 · 28/06/2021 21:31

@Usergenerated186

Billy Bigun is an idiot. My mother in law is wonderful and we have a great relationship. Maybe I did bring this upon myself, but it’s not for lack of positive family relationships.
Then it will get easier, OP. It's just in the early months, esp breastfeeding, that family, no matter how willing, are limited in what they can do for you. Once the baby is fully weaned they can even go to granny's for the night!
ohnonotyetplease · 28/06/2021 21:51

So much sympathy OP. I could have written exactly those words when my DD was 7 months. She's now almost 2.5 and it has got so much better.
They get much more manageable, much more interesting and it all just improves bit by bit.
Wish I could give you a hug.
Highly recommended a sleep trainer - the one who helped me was Sam Bell - lovely person and helped us no end.
May you be surprised by it getting lots better xx

UnluckyMe · 28/06/2021 21:54

Bless you. I'm glad to hear you're trying to get support. I can't imagine having a newborn now in covid times where everything is restricted and you've limited opportunity to make mummy friends. Not that I did that when mine were that young.

Is going back to work an option? Perhaps feeling like you pre-pregnancy for a few hours a day would benefit you from a mental health perspective. Your child can then learn social skills in nursery or child minding and you can have adult conversation that doesn't centre around the baby. I know it isn't going to remove any feelings but it may help in you feeling like you've got a bit of your pre-mummy self again x

Recessed · 28/06/2021 22:47

I hated it too OP and I had really good babies compared to many. It had started to get much better as they got older and started preschool but every time there was a lockdown etc I'd dissolve again. I had only just started to enjoy parenting the last few months but now they're on summer holidays from preschool and already I feel the old feelings slipping back. I think being at home with them full time triggers memories of those early years when every bloody day felt like a never ending year. Grim times.

I think I'll be a decent mother when they're older - if I don't screw them up in the meantime. I can't STAND the invasion of my space, the physical dependency, the crying and whining, the mess oh the mess!

I hope things get easier for you soon, you're in the very worst stage IME - solidarity Flowers

EarthSight · 28/06/2021 22:54

@Usergenerated186

Hope that mirror journo feels ashamed. A person clearly vulnerable and at such a low point shouldn’t be fodder for speculation in a newspaper.
I read it and thought 'Where's the actual news here? Shock horror - a woman regrets having a baby!!!'. Any stats to back anything up? Quotes from a GP about the matter? Nope......
VestaTilley · 28/06/2021 23:08

OP, I felt exactly as you do now.

I hated it.

I had a bad pregnancy, bad birth, blood loss and transfusions, hospital stay, (unfounded) worries about newborn illness, tongue tie, breastfeeding failure, problems weaning, non-sleeper- the works.

I ended up with PND and am now on sertraline (it’s great, I recommend it) and had therapy (CBT). If you’re still feeling like this in a few months go to your GP as it may be PND.

Or it may just be exhaustion. You can sleep train. We sleep trained at 7 months and it was a life saver.

Hang on in there. Our DS is two. It gets a lot more enjoyable, fun and far easier. I promise.

ALooseSeal · 29/06/2021 00:55

You've had some great advice, re: feeding, sleep, work and potentially medication so I won't repeat it all, but just wanted to add another supportive voice.

I didn't go through anything like you have, but I still look back at pictures of me with my baby, and I just look so ill - like the life is being drained out of me! Mine are older now, and absolute joyous humans to be around, and I feel like me again.

To go through that level of birth trauma and breastfeed for 7 months is nothing short of incredible in my book, so feel no guilt about stopping that. This 'baby' phase will be over soon, and it will start to feel very different... Hoping for brighter days for you very soon.

Sufar5555 · 29/06/2021 05:31

Why wasn't the reply helpful? Because it may have contained a bit of truth there instead of your fairy dust answer that things will get better. You don't know that. None of us do and I suspect you think that you are being empathetic by saying that. You're not. Empathy is sitting where the person currently is right now, not some imagined future.

Lostmyway86 · 29/06/2021 06:53

@Sufar5555

Why wasn't the reply helpful? Because it may have contained a bit of truth there instead of your fairy dust answer that things will get better. You don't know that. None of us do and I suspect you think that you are being empathetic by saying that. You're not. Empathy is sitting where the person currently is right now, not some imagined future.
What are you talking about?! Of course it gets better and easier! OP is in the baby stage with and sleep deprived, it's relentless. The baby is completely dependent on OP. I have a 7 month old, 24 month old, 7 year old and 10 year old and I felt the same first time round where OP is. Yes, toddlers are hard and kids can be challenging but it's nothing on what OP is going through now. When they sleep and can communicate and can walk, talk and you get some independence back everything gets better. So yes we can empathise and I will shout from the rooftops IT GETS BETTER.
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 29/06/2021 07:36

Almost anything is easier to handle when you have enough sleep. Yes there are challenges as your DC grow but sleep is a game changer.

nanbread · 29/06/2021 09:22

SCUMMY "journalism" from the Mirror there. I can only think there person who wrote it must be very unhappy themselves.

DismantledKing · 29/06/2021 09:27

This is also on MailOnline now

Okcookie · 29/06/2021 09:33

@DismantledKing

This is also on MailOnline now
Bastards
Yesmate · 29/06/2021 09:49

Fuck you Daily Mail Online. I saw the headline and knew instantly what those fuckers had done 😡

littletinyacorns · 29/06/2021 10:53

I created an account just to respond you you OP

You are not alone. You have had a baby at such a terrible time in the world where you have had to be at home with your baby for huge amounts of time and not had the benefit of baby clubs. By LO is nearly 4, and I don't think that I could have gone through that early stage now.

I didn't love my Son for the first year or so, I went through the motions, I struggled with the lack of self identity that comes with new motherhood, I missed my job and the personal impact I had in it. My LO had silent reflux (that we did'nt know about for a long time) so my days were filled with sleepiness nights, never being able to put my little one down and endless breastfeeding. I felt touched out.

Of course it was interspersed with joy, but not sleeping is a killer. So is the majority of your social interaction being a baby.

The other mums that I was seeing seemed to be more into their babies than me. No one talked about the brutality of motherhood. I had what I now recognise as PND. no one, not even health visitors brought it up with me. Called it what it was, suggested ways to help me, let me know that what I was feeling was normal and would get better. I was going through the motions, I was taking care of my baby, I was even enjoying aspects of it. But it was definitely PND.

As my little one got older things changed. One day I realised that I did love him. His growing independence expanded my freedom. We now spend our weekends going on walks and visiting places, its fun to see his interactions and engagement. We play lots of lego. As he becomes more of a developed person I find things much easier. But I am also looking forward to when he starts school and I get a day to myself (I only work 4 days a week). When he was at an age where we were able to send him to my parents for a few days to have a break it was a revelation. I have decided that I don't want another child, and that's ok.

Things do get easier as they get older. I promise that they do. You will find ways of being able to bring back the parts of your "old life" that make you you. Life does change with a child, but it does become a growth rather than an obliteration (like it is in the beginning).

Don't be afraid of needing help, of not enjoying it. It may not be everyone's experience, but it is normal.

It may be worth asking your doctor to refer you for therapy. Having a space where you can talk openly and unjudged is essential to mental health. Don't be afraid of medication, any mental health medication can take a few goes to find the right drug/ dose. Don't be afraid of talking to the people around you, openly, about how you are feeling. Go out to baby clubs and grow your mum network, if nothing else getting out of the house breaks up the day.

AntiSocialDistancer · 29/06/2021 11:11

@littletinyacorns lovely post Flowers