If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

I could have written a lot of what you did OP.

I never took medication for fear it would numb me / didn't want to admit how bad things were.

I really really regret not giving it a go. I think therapy would have helped too but I was so broken I couldn't even book an appointment.

Things gradually got better when I went to work.

After DC1 when everyone told me it would get better, I didn't really believe them, or I guess I couldn't really imagine how it could get better. It's only now I have DC2 and know it gets better (because it did with DC1) that the thought of it is a comfort.

Also... to the people who say "you think this is hard, just wait until they're teenagers"... just no! Not helpful!!

Haven't rtft yet but wanted to offer some empathy. It's TOUGH at that age and on top of that we are still battling this pandemic. You're doing amazingly well.

I felt like I could manage pretty well up until 5/6 months then it was so bloody difficult especially as my husband had an operation around that time which meant he wasn't able to help physically for a couple of months. That was my most despairing motherhood time.

It's a lot better now and our DC brings so much fun to the household

Op I remember feeling as if I’d joined some sort of secret club when I had my DD! You read the books and go to the classes, but nothing, NOTHING, could have prepared me for parenthood. DD was generally a good baby, slept reasonably well (for a baby!), no colic, no PND, helpful husband, etc, but it was SOOO hard (and, frankly, very fucking boring)!

I’m so sorry that giving birth has caused so much damage to your body - another thing they don’t really tell you about! I didn’t have that sort of trauma, but I know that sometime soon, I’m going to have to do something about my (double) continence issues. I do wonder if there could be an element of PTSD involved as you sound as though you had a horrific time. It might be worth exploring that if you can.

As regards breastfeeding, if it’s not best for you it’s not best for your baby either! Ditch the guilt. Bottle feeding is absolutely fine and most mothers do it.

If you need to go back to work early for your sanity do that too.

You are still that same interesting and vibrant person you always were op, it’s just that life (and a pandemic) have hidden that from you for a while. You will rediscover it, but in the meantime, above all be gentle with yourself.

Forgot to add, as others have said it DOES get better,

You poor love, you have been through the wringer. I would think about a sleep consultant. We went to Andrea Grace - I was on my knees and it was so so worth it. I remember the glee and energy I felt the first I had 6 hours sleep in a row after having a baby. Sleep makes such a difference - that’s a great place to start

Oh OP. Haven’t RTFT but so much of what you have written resonates. I was at my wits end at 6-8 months, in fact I posted something very similar under the parenting section. Combination of lockdown, the novelty being firmly gone, extreme sleep deprivation and just this overwhelming feeling that I had been massively lied to and had completely wrecked my life. I was a shell of my former self.

It’s been repeated over and over but it does get better (and my DS isn’t the easiest of characters!) At circa 10 months he suddenly ‘got’ eating (and massively reduced breastfeeding) and then he ‘got’ sleeping between 11 and 12 months. Going back to work has saved my life. I’m still dog tired and it’s still hard but I have started to remember what makes me, Me again. I feel like my own person, not just a vessel that exists to keep another person alive.

Hold on, it’ll be okay. And if you are so low you think you are dangerous, please speak to someone IRL. Good luck

Honestly I think threads like these are so important. I've been ttc for nearly 6 years and over that time gone from thinking a cute little baby is all I need to be happy, to a hopefully more balanced view of the pros and cons.
If my expectations were still sky high, especially after so much time, stress and money, I think I'd be a state when the reality finally hit.

Toolazytothinkofausername Made me laugh and think if Aristotle quote "Give me the child until the age of 7 and I will show you the man" never quite sure what it meant really!

OP Hugs from me ,small babies are such hard work and all absorbing .I feel you need to contact GP/HV again ,maybe some more suitable medication can be found for you .At 7 months it is likely you are possibly suffering from Post Natal Depression.Take every opportunity to rest, have some easy snacks ,and a healthy diet ,plenty of fruit and veg . Try and relax as well, lots of naps when Baby does . Hoping you feel better soon .Many Mums find it hard in the early days you are most certainly not alone!

For a lot of us, it definitely doesn't get better as they get older. It's never-ending drudge, responsibility, guilt and difficulties for at least 18 years.

@Chunkymenrock

For a lot of us, it definitely doesn't get better as they get older. It's never-ending drudge, responsibility, guilt and difficulties for at least 18 years.

Oh dear I'm sorry you feel that way. I do feel the baby/toddler stage is particularly hard because of the sleep deprivation, and because they're just so needy. Of course the responsibility of being a parent doesn't go away as they get older but I'm hoping it will get a bit easier! Plus you get funded childcare after third birthday and then school.

@Usergenerated186
I could have written your post when my DD was that age. I honestly thought my life as I knew it was done and I thought I’d ruined my life.
I went to the doctor and he ran me through a PND test which asked how often I’d felt certain things over a certain time. It showed that I had low level PND and referred me for some therapy. It helped so much.
I’m not saying you have PND but honestly your words are everything I was feeling and I thought it was too late to get PND, I battled with the thought of not being a good Mum and really didn’t know where to turn.
I hope you can get the support you need. Also don’t feel the pressure to push through. Take a beat and rest.

Babies are hard work in their own right because apart from giggles and cuddles you get nothing back. My oldest is 6.5 and is a true delight, a real comedian and we have fun together. Always try to find some joy and remember to have fun.

Seems there's a woman in the Daily Mirror today with the same problem ...
www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/family/having-baby-ruined-life-regret-24414653

Oh FFS

It feels very upsetting that that The Mirror
has intruded on such a private and delicate conversation.

It makes it seem as though an OP’s opinions about a particular period following a most difficult pregnancy are set in stone too rather than a reflection of this one, hopefully transient, period in her life when she, quite understandably, felt in despair.

They don’t seem to have even mentioned all the birth injuries and need for surgery either.
There is no context or overview. What weak journalism.

@ScrollingLeaves

It feels very upsetting that that The Mirror has intruded on such a private and delicate conversation.

It makes it seem as though an OP’s opinions about a particular period following a most difficult pregnancy are set in stone too rather than a reflection of this one, hopefully transient, period in her life when she, quite understandably, felt in despair.

They don’t seem to have even mentioned all the birth injuries and need for surgery either.
There is no context or overview. What weak journalism.

That's disgusting

How do they sleep at night?

Can we all complain to the Mirror?
It feels like a violation of privacy even if it is on a public forum.

What lazy, nasty fuckers they are.

OP I'm so sorry

I’m not going to add any advice either because all the other wonderful supportive posters (apart from mistyplanet ) have got it covered.

I just want you to know that whether you end up enjoying your child and it gets easier, or whether you find it unremittingly hard right up until they’re adults - both are absolutely fine ways to feel.

My dc (four of them) are adults now and I would jump under a bus for any of them (probably ) but motherhood, on the whole, did not come naturally to me. Which does beg the question as to why I had four, but that’s another story! There were bits that I enjoyed but, god, it was hard.

I honestly remember very little about my 30’s because I was so tired and stressed out. And I am 100% NOT the person I was before having dc, and never will be. I look back and don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how any of you/us did it.

So I think the point I’m (eventually) trying to make is that please don’t underestimate the consuming, relentless, bloody hard, often horrible, regularly thankless, soul sucking feat that having a child is. And please please please know that you are human, the way you’re feeling is very common, and you are amazing.

I see I missed a couple of other shitty posts too. For shame.

That is absolutely outrageous. Making money out of someone's genuine pain. F you, lazy Mirror journalist.

Fuck you, the mirror

I'm sorry you feel like this, it sounds like PND.

If so, you can get help and treatment and will recover..

Your (present) view of motherhood is entirely different from mine, and I'm far more experienced than you. Hang in there, things will get better. You WILL still have a life, an identity, travel, fun; there is a wonderful time to come.

The Mirror...do you not get that this thread is very personal. Can you not find your own stories?!