If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

@Usergenerated186 rather than wait to go back to work - could you just afford to start using childcare now? I don't mean long days in a nursery - but find a local childminder or babysitter who loves babies (there are people out there who are obsessive in their love of holding babies!) - and pay them for a few hours each day.

From my babies being about 6 months I had some of this sort of help, I can't say it was guilt free of course not but it massively helped my mental health.

The week didn't 'stretch ahead' in that bleak awful way where I had to fill every minute with a demanding baby - because it was broken up by these slots of childcare. I literally just sat in my room and rested or went for a walk on my own.

I think modern mothers are trying to care for babies without the huge network of support we evolved to have - we would have had many hands to hold baby - even a generation or two ago - my mother in law grew up helping rock her baby siblings to sleep - or aunties lived in the next road. Lonely mum all day with baby is not natrual.

I would say even if you have to borrow money or get help from your own parents paying - gte some paid childcare it really helped me so much. And its good for your baby as well.

Many of our grandmothers if they were luck enough to be middle- class, would have had nursing nurses, then a nanny, governess, cleaner, cook. They saw friends, sometimes travelled without their children, read books, wrote letters, sometimes wrote or painted.

Of course hellish things could also have been going on related to childbirth and health, bad marriages and so on but the point I am making was that these women weren’t always expected to stop existing in their own right.

There is no shame on you OP or anyone for having these feelings of loss, especially given the additional physical trauma you have experienced OP.

It WILL get better.

I can't imagine having had a baby in lockdown. That's probably compounded all of your issues 10 fold.

I couldn't read and run OP. You're not alone and I think you're very brave for speaking out and saying what so many mums are feeling. I remember walking around with a permanent smile etched onto my face trying to look like I was a super mum but inside feeling like I was drowning. I only slowly started to feel like me again once mine started sleeping better so please take any sleep advice on offer on here. It's worth a try. I wish you so much luck and I promise things do get better.

“Wondergirl100
I think modern mothers are trying to care for babies without the huge network of support we evolved to have - we would have had many hands to hold baby - even a generation or two ago - my mother in law grew up helping rock her baby siblings to sleep - or aunties lived in the next road. Lonely mum all day with baby is not natrual.”

Yes, absolutely.

No human was supposed to be so alone with a baby as we often are today.

I spoke to the mental health nurse recently but it was a pretty perfunctory conversation and she very quickly just suggested sertraline. I took it for a few days but it gave me horrendous insomnia and it made me feel so much worse. I know it would have probably settled if I had persisted but I couldn’t cope at all so I stopped taking it. I have another review with her this week so maybe there is something else I can try.

If you feel you have to stop something then call the nurse before/when you stop it so they can try something else. You don't have to wait until you next see them. If need be they will refer you to a GP/consultant. There are loads of different meds they can try.

As to feeling guilty if you were to stop breastfeeding, you've already done 7 months. You passed the recommended 6-month mark despite being quite off colour. Be proud of yourself. I think you can 'allow' yourself to stop now without feeling guilty.

And yes, go back to work if it helps.

Get well soon xxx

This thread made me well up. I have a 16 month old and the first year was the hardest of my life. And all my other friends who had babies just didn't understand because they loved it, so I spent ages on Google typing in things like "I hate my baby" just to try and find others who felt the same, and it felt like there was nobody. So then I felt like the worst mum in the world.

This thread should be saved and shown to every new mum that's having a rough time. Whether it's PND or not, it's good to know you're not alone and you're not a bad mum for feeling how you're feeling.

I won't give loads of advice because it seems others have it covered, but I am sending you masses of support we're now expecting our second and I'm bloody terrified I'm going to go through the same emotions, but now I feel at least a little more prepared...

THANK YOU for sharing and I hope some of these responses have helped you

@pigeonpies

Depends how you value life I suppose.

Reevaluate what you have and what you place importance on, it'll help you through the hard times ( baby stage being one of them but later on it can get a lot harder)

Not helpful

I know it’s been suggested already but if you can afford it, I would definitely look in to using some kind of childcare for a couple of days a week. I’m a childminder and you would Definitely not be the first to use (or enquire) about this kind of thing. I’d suggest A couple of shorter days (similar to A school Day), to give you time to have a nap, go to the gym, meet a friend for coffee or do a hobby you used to enjoy. Your baby will be happy, safe and build up a relationship in the setting and then If/when you go back to work you can increase Your hours so you won’t have the stress of doing the settling in then.

Putting my child in nursery for a couple of days a week and going back to work part time really helped me. I was going mad being stuck at home on my own with a baby. There may be people who get a kick out of that, but not me. I personally started to enjoy him a lot more when he started to talk (c 2.5 yrs) - until then it is very much a one way street.

Oh you poor poor thing. I wish so much I could give you a hug.

To me it really sounds like you have PND which hopefully you should be able to get help for.

However being a parent and especially a mother is never an easy thing and I think the motherhood ideal is way to sugarcoated and sets up such unrealistic expectations. It’s ok to feel not ok and it’s ok to want your old life back.

Like PP said, if you don’t already then can you share the feeding with your partner? it might take some of the weight (and overbearing responsibility) away from you.

It's hard. But I wouldn't be without my kids. They are 6 and 11 now. I never really knew owt different as I was 19 pregnant and had her aged just 20. (Yes I am a qualified rgn now carried on at uni)) 2nd aged 24. I see more older people struggling than younger. How old are you. You will get through it speak to HV xx

@Ragoo

I love my baby, best thing that's ever happened to me and my life is so much more fulfilled. My old life was destructive and going nowhere.

To each to their own

Good for you

Haven't RTFT but I just wanted to say that after having my first child at age 30 I felt exactly the same. I couldn't envisage living a great deal longer if this was my new life...I considered ending my life. That sounds crazy to me now, but I remember thinking that every morning as I crawled out of bed absolutely exhausted to start another day as a mother.

Here I am 11 years on and expecting DC number 4. Parenthood changes you completely, and for some of us it can take a lot of getting used to. Not to mention PND, which looking back I'm absolutely certain I had.

Over time things got better, I started to enjoy my baby and get pleasure from the new life id made for myself. Now, all these years later, I think having her was the best decision I ever made. Things will get better, hang in there. The first year or two are tough beyond words.

This article from the Guardian recently is excellent OP. Hope link works.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/may/18/parent-trap-why-the-cult-of-the-perfect-mother-has-to-end

The first year with a first baby can be hellish, remember you are also sleep deprived.

God. I found the first year absolutely brutal. Thinking of you, OP.

Literally no one wants to hear your opinion @Mistyplanet**

No they do not. Your opinion is irrelevant. And for what it's worth, some people would prefer to have a good body, and time for hobbies, and that's perfectly okay. You do you 😘

What you're going through isn't unusual. So many people really regret having had their child or children, it's just such a major taboo people feel unable to discuss it openly. But I promise, you're not alone in feeling this way.

At seven months your baby is the perfect age for sleep training. The Ferber method worked wonders for us. Can't tell you how much brighter the world looks when you're getting nine solid hours of sleep every night and routine breaks during the day while baby naps in their own safe sleep space.

For what it's worth I was left with permanent birth injuries too, a rectocele which means that I have to manually assist myself in order to have a bowel movement for the rest of my life. It was degrading and humiliating at first, but I'm used to it now. There's nothing I can do about it, I had physio but it can only do so much and there aren't any other treatments for this level of severity. People talk about how you bounce back from a vaginal birth but it's absolute nonsense for so many people, birth is an incredibly brutal and difficult, painful and dangerous process and it's just no wonder that for some parents they come out of it the other side regretting all of it and wishing they could go back to before.

I couldn't disagree more with the statement that 'babies don't sleep' and suggestion to stop hoping and working towards sleep and accept and find ways to cope with poor sleep. Babies do sleep, a lot. The average seven month old sleeps around fourteen hours per day. The key is to give them the opportunity to learn how to fall asleep independent and connect their own sleep cycles and then you're golden. Don't feel like you have to give in and accept terrible broken sleep until one day your child magically learns how to sleep. I have friends with primary aged kids who still wake multiple times per night needing their parents, parents who held back from sleep training because they were told baby would eventually learn to sleep. Maybe your baby will one day learn how to sleep, but maybe you can't wait that long and that's okay. We are all doing this with different privileges, resources, abilities and challenges.

You got this

@ScrollingLeaves

I think in France they may breast-feed for only 3 months, and also see themselves as a bit less tied to the baby. Someone on here may know for sure.

I remember reading on here that there is far more emphasis in France on getting your body back after childbirth and they'd never tolerate the birth injuries (or lack of action for them) that women put up with here. As I said on the c-section thread, there is a Puritanical streak in British society which still thinks women are sinners for being pregnant even if they are married and therefore have to put up with pain in childbirth and a lack of support with young babies.

And lockdown amplified that goodness knows how many times.

@Usergenerated186

I still remember that feeling of being totally responsible for the care and wellbeing of our first dc (about 16 years ago) and how I was sure I’d never be able to relax and switch off ever again.

Lots of the things I used to enjoy before I suddenly didn’t have the time or attention span for or was to tired to bother. The sleep deprivation was relentless. Friends without dcs drifted away.

We were lucky to have good family support but I didn’t use them much because I felt anxious about leaving my dc and couldn’t imagine anyone else driving them in the car etc. It was utterly exhausting.

It does get much easier the older they get especially when you can get out more. I wasn’t keen on the small baby stage, apart from binge watching tv while feeding, it was hard work, but from about 9 months it was much easier.

I ended up having 3, the second was a much more placid “easy” baby, but now a teenager and anxiety inducing in a different way. The 3rd was a very bad sleeper and if I’d had him first would have been an only child.

I would talk as much as you can about how you are feeling. It’s pretty normal but you may need some extra support. Mums with dc of a similar age were my lifeline at your stage and we would meet up most weeks. It was interesting that pretty much everyone was struggling with the same things. Some needed anti depressants, which helped them a lot.

Try and get out and exercise every day no matter how you feel. Don’t expect to get too much done in the house.

Look into options of childcare to allow yourself a half day on your own. By dc3 I was accepting every bit of help offered to get a break myself which is essential. Happy mum = happy baby.

Remember it does get much better...

OP, I know you've got tonnes and tonnes of posts supporting you already but just wanted to add to the masses

We spent ages TTC my DS but nothing prepared me for the reality... My labour was horrific (although sounds like you're was also very traumatic). Afterwards we were moved to a private room and DH had to leave briefly to sort out the dog (vet issues) and my lovely MIL came to keep me company. I remember thinking to myself 'what have we done?'. What a terrible mistake we had made. If someone came over with adoption papers there and then I would have signed them. My DS had a few issues post birth and I left it to MIL to go with him as I just couldn't face it. Each time we got visitors round, I eagerly handed over the baby and just sat there feeling numb.

I couldn't bond with my son who I felt was a big mistake and ruined our lives.

Sleep was a big factor: I had 5 days of no sleep during my difficult labour and this continued with waking 3 hourly to feed my DS

I was pushed into a PND diagnosis and prescribed anti depressants but I didn't take them. I knew I wasn't depressed and I knew it was a specific feeling around my baby and losing a sense of myself.

Things changed slowly: I gave up BF after 4 months and felt FREE! I no longer felt like an object used solely for food. I started to feel a lot closer to my DS because of it.

At 6 months we sleep trained and this was a DRAMATIC change in how I felt - I hadn't realised how much 3-4 hours sleep a night was affecting me. It took 4 nights and we did the slow retreat method and my son went from waking every 1-2 hours to sleeping through with just one bottle. It was amazing. He also started napping for 2 hours at a time too.

Then he started crawling and really interacting with the world at 9 months and I suddenly couldn't remember the last 'bad' day we had. It had switched from only the occasional good day to rarely having a bad one.

Going back to work and getting him into a good nursery were the final things that slotted into place. I get a sense of myself back and I had space from him to ACTUALLY MISS HIM. I had felt so claustrophobic with him clutched to me all the time that the space gave me time to miss him so much I changed my hours so I could have some 121 time with him in the week.

Things have got so much better now that we're expecting number 2. The difference this time is that I KNOW I don't enjoy those early months. I KNOW I didn't enjoy BF but I also know things get better so I'm actually really looking forward to it.

Importantly I also had a debrief with the head midwife team on my traumatic labour and honestly wish I had done it sooner. It was extremely cathartic and I feel confident it won't happen again.

So please don't beat yourself up, perhaps try some sleep training, maybe seek a debrief with the hospital and KNOW it will get better! I have such a close bond with my DS now that you'd never know how much I struggled early on

@Ragoo

I love my baby, best thing that's ever happened to me and my life is so much more fulfilled. My old life was destructive and going nowhere.

To each to their own

Good for you but plenty of women lead happy fulfilled lives without feeling the need to bring yet more children into the world

Brutal is definitely the word for it, especially the prolonged, relentless lack of sleep. It does definitely get better though

OP I felt the same as you. A toddler and a lockdown baby and I was on the edge of sanity. All I could think of was my lovely pre kids life and envy towards my childfree friends. CBT, medication and making the most of any relaxed restrictions helped hugely. It’s ok to hate this bit it doesn’t make you a bad mum.

It gets better as they get older! Promise!