If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

Watching

Good advice there from @81Byerley. At 7 months, you can and should start sleep-training, for your own mental health as well. Babies have to learn how to settle themselves -if they don’t, they turn into sleep-resistant toddlers which in many ways is worse because they’re stronger & more wilful. Sleep training does mean a certain amount of controlled crying, it’s not negligent as most opposers will have you believe. You don’t simply put them down & leave them screaming for hours on end. There is method to it.

You’ll hear both sides of the argument on controlled crying but it does work - and you need to establish that ability for baby to self-settle now, so the positive sleep routines stick with her into and beyond toddlerhood.

@mam0918 I’m sorry you feel that your life was meaningless before children, but that has no relevance to the OPs post and you posting along the lines of “I don’t get it, my life was pointless before kids” is really unkind to women like the OP who have clearly been through a lot of pregnancy/birth trauma and potentially suffering PND.

I love my baby, best thing that's ever happened to me and my life is so much more fulfilled. My old life was destructive and going nowhere.

To each to their own

If you're taking SSRIs its better to take them in the morning or you will not sleep. Please persist with them dont just give up after a couple of days. They absolutely saved my life. Within 2 weeks I felt 100 times better.

@ragoo What exactly was the point of that response? Do you think it was in any way helpful to OP who is clearly struggling?

@Ragoo

I love my baby, best thing that's ever happened to me and my life is so much more fulfilled. My old life was destructive and going nowhere.

To each to their own

That’s nice. Why don’t you go start your own thread about how you love your baby in Parenting?

Again, not relevant to the OP. If you can’t offer sympathy or support, don’t bother replying.

She’s clearly struggling. Why would you post this?

Hey @Usergenerated186 sorry you're feeling like this. Having a baby literally just turns your world upside down. Even if you love parenthood, it's still exhausting, monotonous and challenging. Add a pandemic on top of that, which strips new mums of any of the usual supports or activities and makes it near impossible to socialise with old friends let alone new ones - is it any wonder you feel the way you do?

Firstly be kind to yourself. You're in the trenches right now. Its not that you're not cut out for this. It really is just that hard. It's like sitting a test each day that you haven't studied for. Focus for now on just getting through each day, moment by moment even sometimes.

Try to commit to all the basic self care things like brushing your teeth and hair, showering daily, eating good meals etc. it sounds obvious but I know I often let these things slide when my children aren't sleeping well, and I always feel worse for it. Exercise even if you don't really feel like it. Even a 15 minute slow walk in fresh air will do you good.

Try to book in some time for you. Even if it's only an hour a week to start with. Anything is better than nothing. Use that time to reconnect with the things that make you you. And understand also that there is no shame in finding your own way through. Some people are better mums if they have work. Some prefer to be there constantly. Some breastfeed and some bottle feed. Some get baby sitters and some don't. There is not one way to be a good parent. You will find a way that enables you to feel more connected to yourself if you allow yourself to try different strategies.

Good luck.

@Ragoo

And today’s award for most helpful & emotionally intelligent post goes to you

It wasn't until I went back to work that I started to feel more like myself. Breast feeding for 7 months is an amazing achievement and stopping now will not undo that.
It is hard and we make it harder for ourselves by putting this unrealistic image of motherhood out there on social media. Reality is just that, real. Just read the numerous comments on hear to see you are not alone. At 7 months I turned up to a baby group one day at our children's centre and burst into tears because I thought I was a crap mum. It is so overwhelming and to deal with physical issues from birth makes it so much more harder.

No real advice, just ramblings and a big virtual hug. Shout loud to all professionals about medical referrals and medication and don't be fobbed off. It does get better, my lg is 4 now and I find it much easier now she can talk to me and entertain herself. You will find yourself again

*comments on here

I echo all the PPs messages of support.
Just wanted to signpost IAPT on the NHS. in most areas you can use IAPT via a web page to self refer for psychological support, it's free, and you don't have to do in-person appointments, which I assume would be helpful with the DC. Just google it.
Best of luck OP, it will get better. These are hard yards 💐💐

I love my baby, best thing that's ever happened to me and my life is so much more fulfilled. My old life was destructive and going nowhere.

To each to their own

That’s nice. Did you bother reading OP’s posts? Have you been through 3 abdominal surgeries in the last 7 months? Do you need surgery on your bladder?

@Ragoo aren’t you lovely.

OP you are getting a lot of support on here so try to ignore comments from the perfect, earth mothers on here.

DO NOT take 5HTP with any SSRI anti-depressants. It can give you 'Sertraline syndrome' which is really awful.

OP, I would strongly recommend trying another AD and persevering. They really, really help get you out of that black hole and give you back your perspective.

Oh OP, I remember feeling that way. It is so hard at this stage but will get easier. You are definitely not alone.

I was you, as others have said. It DOES get better - my baby is 12 now and it's much more interesting/fun.
And you get your life back, in a different shape.
I was diagnosed with PND and anti-depressants did help

OP - you've had it super rough. I hope your surgeries are successful, and will all be sorted soon.
If it helps, I think you are doing amazingly well regarding what you've been through already.

You have created a lovely baby, and have great support from your partner.

What I wanted to say, was that even though my DC1 birth wasn't as traumatic as yours, I couldn't do my job for 12 months after the birth, due to having physio for 15 months. This was when maternity leave was only 4 months.
I still have issues 19 years on, but did go on to have another DC! Time does heal!

I have been on Anti depressants ever since, and they help. ( I take citalopram)
I still don't feel like I am myself, but have accepted that I am mum to two great children.
I never enjoyed the baby years to be honest, but once I accepted that my life now is being a mum first and foremost, it kind of got better. I hope that makes sense. And I hope you start to feel better soon. It takes time, so don't be hard on yourself.
Sleep will help!!
Good luck OP.

OP the first year is TOUGH. Really tough. It's not spoken about often enough how tough it is.

DS is 2.5 and I finally feel like I'm getting myself back.

As for the breastfeeding. Just stop if it'll make your life easier. Do not in anyway sacrifice your mental health for breastfeeding, it isn't worth it

I/We found the first year very hard. It seems such a normal and ordinary thing to do, doesn't it, have a baby? But no one warns you about how your sense of self seems to disappear. I felt like you do from time to time But things do get easier, and you will have some fun times. It's lovely for me now, having the dch.

Oh, I was crap at breastfeeding too, which made me feel like a failure. Both mine were bottle fed. No harm done.

I’m just adding an echo to all the ‘it does get better’ comments, because it really really does.
The baby years are incredibly tough, nothing prepares you for the upheaval, lack of sleep, and utter exhaustion.
But it does get better, more fun, opens up your world to things you wouldn’t have done, or seen.
Hang in there! Xx

Depends how you value life I suppose.

Reevaluate what you have and what you place importance on, it'll help you through the hard times ( baby stage being one of them but later on it can get a lot harder)

I felt like that with DS and won't have another baby because there is no way I would ever want to feel like again even though I know full well it gets much better. So j know exactly where you are coming from.
I have up BF at about 2 months and that helped me bond with him much better which I think was probably more beneficial to him than breast milk.
Going back to work helped massively and I actually started to miss him.
Time also helps as they grow into such awesome people and it may not seem like it now but there will be a time when you actually look forward to spending time with your child. During lockdown although the days could be long stuck at home I would much rather have spent lockdown with a child than without. He kept me sane!
Now he's due to go to school in September and I'm desperately trying the make the most of our days off together before all the schools break up.

Things will change in time but my advice is give up breastfeeding and go back to work if that's what YOU want to do and don't feel guilty about it. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

Haven't read the full thread but you are in the darkest darkest part. I have two chidlren and months 4 - 8 were horrific - the lack of sleep has built up to brutal levels and the babies themselves are very hard work.

It is much, much easier as they get older - I absolutely promise you that.

Firstly - I went back to work - personally for me I was much happier when I had paid childcare, I felt my child / baby was getting love and attention that I didn't have to give them and that massively improved my mental health. I needed that break.

Secondly - children are easier to look after as they develop independence. At 8/ 9 months even it gets easier - they play on the floor etc

It is shit and awful and you dont necessarily need anti depressants - you may just need to change your day to day life. Get more time away from the baby and get better support.

I agree about sleep training, evne if you can't totally fix it you can make it better.