If you’re thinking of having a baby - don’t

[Usergenerated186]

Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.

I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.

If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.

Another factor is your birth injury surgeries - if you’ve had general anaesthetics it takes time to get over that. I had a condition (triggered by pregnancy) and had repeated surgeries. I hadn’t got first Anaesthetic out of system before next one. It was like living in a fog plus physical effects like hair loss. Definitely affected my mood. You also won’t have recuperated after each surgery if you were back on baby care/breast feeding.

Sorry, it's a Monday morning and I do not have time to RTFT. But I just wanted to say: you have not ruined your life.

DS 2 was a very difficult baby. Colic, terrible sleeper, just difficult all round. I had hideous PND and wept all day, thinking my life was over. But it very slowly got better every year. I have been able to travel with DC, take up new hobbies, and my world has not shrunk to the degree I feared. I am not saying they have given meaning to my life, mind you. My life is just better for them being in it. They start to give back pretty soon.

It is now 17 years later and I can't believe I wished him away. ( though doing that is perfectly natural at the stage you are in). Do consider going back to work.

OP I will come back later with a fuller response, l'm a lawyer too and I think something about our personalities can mean we are particularly hard on ourselves and struggle to cut ourselves any slack (generally high achieving, used to being "good" at things, solution seekers etc)

I just wanted to say that you don't have to give up breastfeeding completely straight away if you don't want to (although it's completely your choice and 100% fine to do so if you do want to, you have honestly done so incredibly well to keep going as long as you have with all the challenges you have faced, you have nothing to feel guilty for).

You could mix feed or just add in one bottle of formula at night time to give you some options. I ebf both of mine and it's tough going but you are over the hardest bit now as baby is weaning so will start to reduce their feeds. I liked the convenience of bf as didn't need to remember sterilising/bottles etc.

What I'm trying to say is it doesn't have to be all or nothing and introducing some formula now doesn't mean you have to completely stop bf, you have options.

Take care.

@mam0918 - I'm so glad my poor friend, who desperately wanted children but had to have a hysterectomy, isn't on Mumsnet. It would break her heart to know that some people feel her life is pointless because she couldn't produce a child. I love my DS very much, but my life was (and is) incredible with or without him. I feel very sad for you that yours wasn't.

@Usergenerated186

Id rather have a child than a great body

When I say my body is ruined I don’t mean I now have some wobbly bits and stretch marks. I’m not sad because I’ve lost a ‘great body’. What I mean by ‘my body is ruined’ is that I’ve had three abdominal surgeries since my son was born, and have just been told I will likely require surgery on my bladder in the next 6 months too. I have been left with major injuries requiring multiple surgical repairs which cause me daily pain and discomfort.

Anyway. I should not focus on the one shitty comment when everyone else has been so kind and helpful. Thank you all so much. It’s so hard to imagine that one day it will be better, so it helps so much to hear from others who felt this way and now enjoy parenting. I so desperately want to enjoy it and to be the mother my son deserves.

I am breastfeeding, and have been considering giving it up for the sake of getting some help and rest. I feel so, so guilty about that - like I’m sacrificing the benefit for my son for my own selfish reasons. But I expect that’s the depression talking. I have never thought any other woman selfish for formula feeding, so I need to extend that feeling to myself.

I am a solicitor, supposed to be returning to work when my baby is a year old but my husband and I have discussed him taking parental leave and me going back early. I think it would help me a lot to have something other than the baby in my life again. I really miss my job.

Thank you all so much for being so kind. It has helped so much - knowing others felt this way and got through it is enormously comforting.

Go back to work ...in past it was usual to take four months off ..I did do with all three... You are the mother your ds needs You are good enough

Explore counselling for ptsd over surgeries etc

@Amillionnc

Meaning is subjective. Doesn't matter what a person finds to give their life meaning as long as they believe there is something.

You're not getting the mental health support you need. You have had a very traumatic start to motherhood & you're not alone. Many other women are in crisis in one form or another after birth.

I was in a complete state after my son was born. The first 3 months really nearly killed me. It took the right anti-depressants (Escitalopram for me) and getting practical help with a baby who wouldn't sleep to pull me out of it.

Don't give up hope.

I can't RTFT as it's a bit triggering for me but I've read all your posts OP and I just wanted to say I felt exactly the same. Exactly. I felt by having DD I had ruined my life and it would never, ever get any better. I wanted to die rather than have to carry on with the relentless, unrewarding grind of being a parent. I even attempted suicide.

Here is how things changed for me:

• I was diagnosed with severe PND
• I was put on fluoxetine which, after the first two weeks of side effects, completely changed my life for the better, even resolving anxiety issues I'd had prior to having DD
• We sleep trained DD and moved her into her own room
• I stopped breast-feeding
• I prioritised my own sleep over everything
• I went back to work part time (I did this when DD was 1 by which time the other things had really helped but going back to work was also very good for me)

By 9 months things were more good than they were bad. By 1 year I was happy. And by 2 years I was so, so glad I'd had her and stopped longing for my old life entirely.

DD is now 3 and being her mum is the very best thing in my life. There's nobody in the world I would rather spend time with - she's my best friend and I get excited for the days I can hang out with her. In fact, when DH died suddenly when she was 2.5 she was the only reason I kept going and the only thing that brought me any joy or comfort.

Things will change for you, OP. I promise. PND is evil. I look back and I see how utterly, utterly unwell I was - but at the time it all felt completely rational and normal. It's not. And it will get better.

PM me any time.

OP I am really sorry you feel this way. It isn't always like this and it sounds like you have had a lot of physical trauma from the birth so are worst off than most on that front which won't help.

It can be very hard with little babies as you get sod all back from them and let's be honest, they don't do a lot other than depend on you for everything! As a pp said try and keep doing things for you & just take baby along, make sure your partner does his share of the evenings so you still have some baby free time for hobbies etc.

But most of all, try and see this as temporary. You will return to work, and before you know it your child really won't need you anywhere near as much and it will get much easier.

I'm so sorry : (
I had pre natal and post natal depression and felt like this all throughout pregnancy and a year after, I regretted my little girl so much. I'm now on medication and with the support of my absolutely amazing husband I now love my little girl (16 months). sometimes I do still think perhaps I shouldn't have had her as I do miss my pre-baby life sometimes but we have decided she will be our only child and that helps me enjoy what I can as we know it wont be happening again.
is your husband supportive? do you have some good mum friends?
my husband and I make sure we each get time to do what we want on the weekends as individuals and my daughter is in full time childcare (we both work full time) that really has helped me feel much more like myself pre-baby. x

I just wanted to reiterate what a PP said, you don’t necessarily have PND if you feel this way.

It does get easier (in some ways) and harder in other ways. You need to find some time for yourself to be the ‘old you’. For me, that was going back to work. I still feel totally overwhelmed and my DC is 2.

I don’t have any helpful advice to give but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, you’re not a bad mum and things will get better xx

Sorry that should say I feel to totally overwhelmed at times!

oh OP, it sounds really shit for you at the moment. I bet those physical issues youve been left with are a huge part of the mental health difficulty too. I really hope the next surgery makes things a lot better.

Also dont necessarily give up on finding the right antidepressant. You might need to just find the right one. It took 4 different ones before I found one that actually helped and didnt wipe me out with side effects.
I definitely think getting back to work sooner will help you.

I found the early years utter bullshit quite frankly. I was not living, just functioning - head down and plough through it. I have 4 DC’s which will probably surprise you considering my attitude to their early days.

But all of a sudden they hit school age, and they say something and you find yourself belly laughing at this thing. And you notice they’ve got a personality and they can do things for themselves and then you realise that whilst the challenges have changed (and they do change) you realise it’s just a little easier and you now have feedback, laughs and conversation with these little people you’ve created.

And then before you know it again they’re much bigger and you find yourself looking at the baby days with rose tinted glasses.

My DC’s now range from 9 - 16 in age and they make me laugh and frustrate me in equal measure. But it’s not the all out brutality that it was all those years ago when they were small.

It’s tough looking after babies and toddlers. Agree with the world feeling so small - good way to put it. I also find it incredibly mind numbing and triggered depression that I had kept at bay via socialising, drinking (socially), working and absorbing myself in interests/hobbies. Suddenly with all that taken away, lack of sleep and the constant daily routine of baby care, it can hit hard. I agree that it gets easier and they grow - my eldest is now 3 and she is starting to open up a new world for me and allowed me to see things in a new, fresh light. Know that you will come out of this (and when you do you will look back and wonder how quickly it all went!). Be strong and seek support where you can

Oh OP, i want to hug you :( I really feel for you it is absolutely shit the first 12 months quite honestly.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, (seriously)!. Go out for several walks a day, even in the pissing rain wrap up and go. Worst thing you can do is stay in the house feeling rubbish alone

You are not a burden either and your child loves you and needs you.

[quote Cam77]@Amillionnc

Meaning is subjective. Doesn't matter what a person finds to give their life meaning as long as they believe there is something.[/quote]
I understand that. I was just thinking about women who desperately want a child but cannot have them who may read that.

However this is AIBU and posters aren’t responsible for others feelings.

Oh God, I longed for DD after miscarriages and then the first year was SO fucking hard. No sleep, complete loss of self and my world just disappeared until all I was left with was my living room. I had PND and left DP for four months to go back to my home town and just heal. I came out of it stronger but not the same person.

Enormous amounts of love to you, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through it.

The early months are so so hard! It does get better honestly.

You are too exhausted for this I'm sure, but if you ever feel a bit physically better, could you possible do an online distance learning course related to your field? I think despite your mind being tired, you still need more mental stimulation.

You top priority now I think is to make sure you heal from those surgeries as much as possible, which means getting more sleep, even if it means stopping breastfeeding. You've done what you can - your baby has had 7 months of breastmilk and now it's time to make sure you are as healthy and robust as you possibly can be for your sake and his.

Why is your world now so small? Is it because you're not in work? The lack of commute (so you always feel like you're in the house)?

[quote LondonJax]@mam0918 - I'm so glad my poor friend, who desperately wanted children but had to have a hysterectomy, isn't on Mumsnet. It would break her heart to know that some people feel her life is pointless because she couldn't produce a child. I love my DS very much, but my life was (and is) incredible with or without him. I feel very sad for you that yours wasn't.[/quote]
That is sad, London.Jac, but we (including your friend), know that people really do not know what it is like to have a baby until they have one.

The op wanted her son and she cannot help how she feels right now. She will not feel like that forever and she does love her baby.

How she feels is actually not unusual, it happens even to people who have longed for a child for years; she is adapting to a different way of life. I haven't read all her posts but I gather she had a bad time giving birth and that is hard too. Also it takes a while for some people's hormones to get back to normal. How could any of that be anticipated?

Let's try and support the op and not bring other people in to it. She doesn't want to feel the way she does.

@Amillionnc

My children are what give my life fullfillment and purpose, I wonder what the purpose of my life even was before the existed

@mam0918
You had to make people and force them into this world just so your life can have meaning? If you had not or could not produce another human then your existence is pointless?

I went through over a decade of infertility and not being able to have children... interesting fact it has the highest levels of depression of any physical illness including terminal cancer.

And yes my life was miserable and pretty damn pointless.

People like to add all kinds of shallow/false meaning to their life but lets face it less than 1% of the population genuinely change the world in any meaningful way other than raising the next generation. Lets also be honest that I'm hardly likely to be the person to have some amazing world altering break through like discovering the next penicillin (even though as a medical scientist I have a slightly higher chance than most its still massively unlikely).

The majority of people on earth leave nothing on this earth after death except their decendants, its just fact.

Sorry. I totally agree that it's a trap for women. They do become more enjoyable, but life is always more stressful with a child.

@Maggiesfarm I think you have misread @LondonJax’a post. She was supporting the OP and replying to another pp who posted a rather unhelpful reply stating that she couldn’t understand the op because her life was pointless before children

The first few years are all-consuming, the baby takes over everything. Try and make some time for you, it definitely does get better, just takes a lot of getting used to first. For me probably until my kids were about 6+ years old. Then it’s a lot of fun