Think the way people use the term 'trans widow' is insensitive to actual widows?

[justmaybenot]

The wives of men who have transitioned often use the term 'trans widow' and some of the responses to this letter from an actual widow have expressed some envy for someone whose husband has died rather than transitioned. AIBU to think it's overblown and deeply insensitive to liken the experience of your dh transitioning to the position of someone whose dh has actually died? This is the letter rachelemoss.com/2021/06/24/a-letter-to-trans-widows-from-an-actual-widow/

Yabu.
They are women whose husband is gone. They feel bereaved. That's not an unreasonable feeling and I think the term describes it well.

A pp mentioned golf widow. I think if you needed to pick something to call insensitive it would be something like that, something that is just a joke, rather than a serious issue where women are genuinely devastated.

I think someone is showing their hand too early, too obviously ...

When my ExH 'did a Hancock' on me (and the young DC) and turned into someone I didn't recognise within the space of thirty minutes, I used metaphor and simile quite frequently to try to describe what I was going through over the next months and years. 'It's as if he's died,' was one of them.

Women are told to 'grieve' marriages and relationships by trained therapists, ffs. You don't own language, OP.

YABVU!

No fucks have been given to widows before nor to those who use it, write about it, name characters.

Go ask men to stop co-opting woman then ur problem solved as to the dead with deadnaming crap.

MN has actual separate section for widows which women respect.

This attempt to get women to turn against trans widows like every other attempt will fail.

Some of these trans widows have children and no fucks are given to them either by ones who want women to be silent.

Yet another attempt to police women's use of language!

Are people - women in your OP - not allowed to grieve? Not allowed to express a loss in a way that they want?

Perhaps if you're talking about men whose wife has left them to transition, you might be more sympathetic to the term?

Loss is loss, there's no prescription for grief so stop trying to dictate other people's lives. That's highly offensive.

I'm a widow & I have absolutely no problem with the term 'trans widow'.

The argument against always seems to be 'You can't just stick the prefix 'trans' in front of a word with an established meaning. That's not fair on the people who already belong to the existing group!', which seems an odd route to go down unless you want rather a lot of women pointing out that transwomen certainly aren't us, either.

I'd see it as more of a portmanteau formation like seahorse. Not actually a horse. Looks a bit like one maybe.

& I think - being cynical - that all this sudden disingenuous horror at 'trans widows' is because they're starting to be listened to, & about bloody time.

There really is a concerted and determined effort to shut down trans widows, now I wonder why that is and where it comes form?

The abuse and threats made to trans widows are abhorrent and you are supporting and condoning that, OP, does that make you feel good?

Leave trans widows alone, the term is a perfect description of their situation due to the trans status of their spouse, it's reasonable, simple and effective and allows those women who, through no fault of their own, are in this position to find others in a similar position and gain some support which they desperately need.

To continually attack trans widows and demand they conform to your view of their experiences is disgusting, you should be ashamed of yourself, OP.

The people they married often say that the man they were is dead. See dead naming etc.

If transpeople insist on being referred to in specific ways, why should their spouses and ex-spouses not be afforded the same consideration?

Many women, me included, consider it offensive to women when men appropriate the language of womanhood, so...

It’s the males who tell their partners their old self is now dead. But you knew this.

People see these threads for the part of the bullying campaign they are OP. And contrary to the belief in MNHQ, YABU is the popular view. Everyone knows what a woman is, who shouldn’t be weightlifting in the Olympics, and that these women deserve autonomy and support, and protection from a concerted organised bullying campaign.

OP I am sure you are aware that this is a carefully moderated site and this is

1. ‘a thread about a thread’
2. on the wrong board.

This has been discussed at length over the last couple of days, and it is ‘insensitive’ to start a new thread as though the previous thread didn’t exist.

I noticed that on all these threads disparaging women’s feelings, there is never a vote option. I wonder why that might be? Very disingenuous.

My apologies, please disregard my previous post. The voting options did not come up straight away for me.

Rachele E Moss has clearly never read a trans widow thread here.

Won't anyone think if the MRAs? Yes it must have been fun to hand the baton to the TRAs for a term to police the behaviour, language and minds of women and have a lovely rest but they must be getting bored by now? There are only so many hobbies you can take up.

@Itsstartingtorainout

My apologies, please disregard my previous post. The voting options did not come up straight away for me.

They didn't for me either, @Itsstartingtorainout.

Currently 87% saying YABU.

Why is anyone trying to attack these women on MN, one of the few places where they will get support? It would not be unreasonable to be suspicious of the OPs agenda!

I’d imagine most widows wouldn’t give two fucks

Who identifies as a ‘widow’ anyway

It’s not 1918

It makes sense to me...their old name is even called a deadname

Is this going to be moved the same as when someone who is gender critical posts here about the topic? I hope so

Oh just bog off.

Tough call. Last time I gave my views on this I got called transphobic so I won’t bother but sorry for your loss @justmaybenot

How is this not in the sex and gender section?

It's not like they are insisting that widows are called cis widows while they declare themselves to be real widows

Because the op didn't get the responses that they'd like there?

I tell you who is "insensitive" the people sending us death and rape threats in the last week and trying to shut down our right to associate by mobilising the internet against us.

Keeping us forever mired in arguing over definitions enables there to be no engagement with the substance of what we are saying.

Why the sudden push back against us? Because we have recently had mainstream press coverage and been invited to give evidence by the government.

Anecdotally the evidence seems to be that the prevalence of domestic abuse against women in relationships with late transitioning men is high. Why is the language of domestic abuse survivors being policed in this way? This behaviour mirrors the coercive control that many trans widows are subjected to in relationships

Thank you to the women of MN for helping to hold the line.