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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about leaving dc for the night?

131 replies

Rainbowbrite85 · 26/06/2021 16:49

I’ve two dc, aged 13 and 5, this will be the first time I’ve left the 5 year old overnight and only the second time I’ve left the 13 year old.
I’m planning on going to an outdoor concert and then staying over and doing some shopping the next day with my best friend.
They’ll be fine, right? I feel really anxious about it and I know they won’t be very happy either (not broken it to them yet). I’m considering cancelling because I’m already catastrophising and I’m not even there yet.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/06/2021 21:00

You're in an abusive relationship and I think that you need to start thinking about what you want to do about that as it's so unhealthy not only for you but also when it comes to your children's perception of what's normal and also when it comes to then having to live in a home where one parent is abusive.

TheGenealogist · 27/06/2021 21:00

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

So what's the next step? Are you happy to be married to a man who doesn't parent his own children?
And who won't "let" his wife stay out overnight?
toocold54 · 27/06/2021 21:02

On a different weekend I just wouldn’t be able to go because DH wouldn’t have the dc

What do you mean he wouldn’t have the DC? He doesn’t get a choice. If you are going out for the night and he is at home then he has to look after them. Do not even give him an option or have a discussion about it just say you are going out on X date and you’ll be home the next day.
What would happen if you said you are going out for the night whilst he stays home?

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2021 21:07

Why are you with him?

coco123456789 · 27/06/2021 21:19

I actually think this is a wind up. I can’t believe anyone would have let themself have not a single night away in 13 years. What about work trips, hen dos, weddings where kids aren’t invited, hospital stay, girls trips? Just not feasible. And I can’t believe that your parents wouldn’t want to support you and to see their daughter have a break every once in a while?

Mammyloveswine · 27/06/2021 21:23

My youngest has regularly stayed at his nanas since he was 2 due to my work! Your children will be fine! Try not to worry!

toocold54 · 27/06/2021 21:36

I actually think this is a wind up. I can’t believe anyone would have let themself have not a single night away in 13 years.

I know lots of single parents who don’t have time away because they have no family support but I don’t know anyone who lives with a DH who won’t look after his own kids for the night!

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/06/2021 22:04

@Rainbowbrite85

No DH is going out separately. That’s why I’m choosing this weekend because my parents can have the dc. On a different weekend I just wouldn’t be able to go because DH wouldn’t have the dc but he wouldn’t like me asking my parents to either because it would reflect badly on him.
Why on earth wouldn’t your husband look after his own children if you went out
LST · 28/06/2021 07:50

OP it isn't healthy for your children to see how your dog treats you

Wannabegreenfingers · 28/06/2021 08:01

In the best interests of your children they need to be left with trusted grandparents etc. You're in danger of creating anxious clingy teens/adults.

I'd be in the funny farm never leaving mine for the odd overnight.

Go enjoy your time, it's good for all of you.

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 28/06/2021 08:51

It’s a non-decision as it turns out - my parents won’t have the dc anyway.

OP posts:
coco123456789 · 28/06/2021 09:17

Why not?

MrsFin · 28/06/2021 09:22

@Rainbowbrite85

It’s a non-decision as it turns out - my parents won’t have the dc anyway.

That's a shame. Do you have friends you could leave them with?

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 28/06/2021 09:26

So no one will you give you a break, including your own husband.

YesDisney · 28/06/2021 10:55

Book it for another night and make your lazy ass useless husband like after his own damn kids.

LST · 28/06/2021 11:06

Book it for the next weekend and leave them with your DH. If he refuses I'd fucking leave him. He sounds like a waste of space. Why let him treat you like this?

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 28/06/2021 16:26

@toocold54

I actually think this is a wind up. I can’t believe anyone would have let themself have not a single night away in 13 years.

I know lots of single parents who don’t have time away because they have no family support but I don’t know anyone who lives with a DH who won’t look after his own kids for the night!

This ^^

Your DH is DC's parent too? It's awful to hear that he refuses to care for his own DC without insisting you stay in too! You're not a childminder, he isn't babysitting his own children he is parenting them and it should be equally shared, so that you both get important time away from what is an endless tough job. If you divorced he'd have to parent on his own every other weekend all weekend, at the minimum. Unless he is a total flake.

SquashMinusIsShit · 28/06/2021 16:33

your DH sounds dreadful, you'd be better off splitting up and him having them EOW

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/06/2021 16:50

Why would you put up with this? Confused they are his children and therefore equally his responsibility! No arguments about who drinks or doesn't needed, book your night away and go.

Taliskerskye · 28/06/2021 17:47

My god. Do you want to live your life like this

What the fuck are you going to do when your children leave home.

This sounds like some kind of horrific scary nightmare of a life. You urgently need to start taking this VERY seriously

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 28/06/2021 18:04

I’m looking forward to them leaving home, I always say to them go and travel and see the world, move away, whatever they want, it’s their life - not mine.
It’s not that I don’t want to have a night away but everyone makes me feel so damn guilty about it that it’s a struggle. If someone would just have them, say they’ll be fine, have a nice time, see you tomorrow! I’d be off.
It’s just all such hard work that it’s easier not to go, my parents are saying no now anyway. They think it’s not fair for the dc.

OP posts:
LST · 28/06/2021 18:07

I am assuming your parents think it's fine for 'daddy' to spend the night away?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/06/2021 18:10

If someone would just have them, say they’ll be fine, have a nice time, see you tomorrow! I’d be off

It's really shitty that the three people who are supposed to care most about you (one of which has taken vows to that point) dont care enough to do this.

Ilady · 28/06/2021 18:11

You need to tell your dh their his children and he can start to pull his weight and mind them to give you a brake. I am sure you bring your asd child to all their appointments as well and did all the extra work to bring them on.
The reality is that you need a break from your children. They need to see that mammy has her own friends and life. Also you need to be working towards getting your older child to be more independent as in a few years they will be a school leaver and possibly want to go to college. You need to get them ready for independent living. It also good for the 5 year old to get use to staying with grandparents because as they get older that might want to go on sleep overs to friends ect.
I start to make plans to meet up with friends for the odd night out. I make plans for a night or 2 away soon as well and tell your husband your taking a much needed break. He sat back for years and left you to do it all but that s not fair on you or his children. If he starts to complain I tell him that you have a good chat with his parents, siblings and friends and let them know how useless he really is.
I know someone with an asd child and it can be hard work at times dealing with them. You need to remember that you need to look after yourself and having breaks is important. Also when you in the thick of things it nice to have a night out or a break to look forward to.

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 28/06/2021 18:13

I think my parents feel it’s falling on them, but they also don’t really understand why I’d want to go away for a night.
Ds is hard work, it’s true. It is a lot for them, hence I then feel guilty about them too.

OP posts: