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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about leaving dc for the night?

131 replies

Rainbowbrite85 · 26/06/2021 16:49

I’ve two dc, aged 13 and 5, this will be the first time I’ve left the 5 year old overnight and only the second time I’ve left the 13 year old.
I’m planning on going to an outdoor concert and then staying over and doing some shopping the next day with my best friend.
They’ll be fine, right? I feel really anxious about it and I know they won’t be very happy either (not broken it to them yet). I’m considering cancelling because I’m already catastrophising and I’m not even there yet.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/06/2021 19:26

Big it up to the DCs ... tell them what fun they’ll have etc etc. And tell your ‘DH’ he doesn’t get to decide what you do like that! What a piss take, he can swan off for the night but you can’t Angry

Garman · 26/06/2021 19:34

Ah okay, and the real issue comes out. So essentially your husband doesn't really allow you to go away overnight usually, it's not that you choose not to.

And yes they'll be fine, and he should have been able to deal with his own children overnight himself for many years before now.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 26/06/2021 20:18

@Rainbowbrite85

He’s around but it is much easier to leave them with my parents than him. However if he wasn’t out I wouldn’t be able to leave them with my parents either because he’d get annoyed that I’d asked them as it would look bad on him. I can only manage this because he will be out himself although he probably won’t be very happy about it.
You have a DH/DP problem not a "leaving DC" problem then

Own it as it is
Get the help and nights off where you can because you have bigger problems than leaving your old enough DC with their grandparents

coco123456789 · 26/06/2021 20:27

I can’t believe it’s true - what dad can’t look after his kids overnight? I’ve left my husband at home with our 3 kids for almost a week before.

felulageller · 26/06/2021 20:33

What you should be worried about is the fact that your children are being exposed to domestic abuse.

How has he warped your mind to the point that you think any of this is normal?

You need a solicitor.

Now.

cocoloco987 · 26/06/2021 20:33

Not going out yourself doesn't equal kids never staying out though. By 13 (and often even 5) dc will have stayed over at close grandparents even if parents are at home watching tv. At 13 they'd have had over nights via clubs, school and sleepovers with friends. Is your partner controlling with the dc too?

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2021 10:26

He’s around but it is much easier to leave them with my parents than him Say what?

He thinks I shouldn’t stay away a night, I’m working up the courage to tell him I’m also going to have a night away when he does

But he can stay out?

Rainbowsew · 27/06/2021 11:00

Yabu, initially I thought that because they're too young to be left alone, but now you've said they're being carried for by grandparents they're familiar with you are still being unreasonable as you are entitled to a night out and they will be perfectly safe. Enjoy yourself xx

dopeyduck · 27/06/2021 12:31

I completely understand where you're coming from but they will be fine and they will forgive you for it.
I hate leaving my DS at bedtime / overnight. I know he cries for me which breaks my heart but I have to work overnight sometimes as I'm a shift worker. It is hard on both of us but ultimately he is fine, safe, cared for & loved and he's just happy to see me after.
I appreciate it's so much harder when it's leaving them by choice ( I haven't done it yet) but you also deserve a break and they're not so little anymore - they can be told where you are and when you're coming back. It's a one off and I think you should relieve yourself of the guilt and have a good time / let your hair down and have fun

NotAnotherPushyMum · 27/06/2021 12:36

Wow, you have a much bigger issue than the irrational guilt.

dopeyduck · 27/06/2021 13:00

Omg I've just seen your DH doesn't have them overnight ever and won't like you being awake. That's ludicrous let alone controlling. Is he their father? Why doesn't he look after them? Why wouldn't they be happy with him? Does he live with you all normally? I'd understand if we were talking about a baby or young toddler even but at 13 & 5 that's insane!

LST · 27/06/2021 13:03

They'll be fine. My kids stop our most weekends with their GPS and have done since they were around 2!

Echobelly · 27/06/2021 13:04

There really isn't any reason to be guilty or worried about this, they're somewhere safe and familiar, neither's a tiny one that could get themself in some kind of scrape. Probably the worst that can happen is that the 13 year old will be bored!

And you are actually doing a good thing for them developmentally by leaving them overnight - they have to know you have your own life too, outside being 'Mum'.

Echobelly · 27/06/2021 13:06

Just seen about your DH - absolutely fuck 'won't have them overnight' or 'you shouldn't go out overnight'. They're his bloody kids!

newnortherner111 · 27/06/2021 13:10

The issue seems to be with the DH, not the grandparents who I trust are loved by their grandchildren.

OP you should not feel bad about a night away occasionally.

JudgeJ · 27/06/2021 15:46

@Rainbowbrite85

Yeah but leaving dc2 crying is going to be hard, the pandemic has made her even clingier than she was before. I will feel major mum guilt. Ahhh how I love mum guilt.
She may disappoint you and not cry, then that would be something else to be worried about! If you're really so bad I'd cancel the event and pull up the drawbridge for a few years.
slashlover · 27/06/2021 16:58

I'm just back after a night away with two of my mates, one of them left the kids with her DH - a 5yo, an 8yo and a 12 yo. (The oldest two are fostered, one of them has ASD) and none of us gave it a second thought as he's a grown adult.

As for the kids, could you make it an adventure? I went into hospital for two nights when I was 4 and the only thing I really remember was the new nightie, slippers and little comb set I got specially.

TheDevils · 27/06/2021 17:11

Of course they'll be fine.
Try to normalise it rather than make a big deal about it - they will pick up on your anxiety.

And ignore the guilt. You're allowed to do fun, child free things! Me and DH went out last night so our 6 year stayed with family. When he asked why he couldn't come with us we explained that we were having a grown up night. We've always made it clear to him that sometimes mummy and daddy do things without him and that's normal!

vagmons · 27/06/2021 17:11

I have had to leave my son with DH … for two months. Pretty sure yours will cope with one night. 🙂

TheDevils · 27/06/2021 17:14

Just read all your updates.
You have a serious DH problem- his attitude and behaviour isn't normal.

coco123456789 · 27/06/2021 17:37

I don’t think it’s so healthy to let kids grow up thinking everything will fall apart unless mummy is there. Doesn’t help kids feel strong and confident and independent. Always feels more like the neediness is coming from the mum rather than the kids…

Ham2008 · 27/06/2021 17:42

The only guilt you should feel is the environment which you have both raised these children in.

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 27/06/2021 18:07

I don’t think it’s so healthy to let kids grow up thinking everything will fall apart unless mummy is there.

Totally agree with this. I remember reading something on fb from a friend who had gone away for a few days (some family emergency) and her DH was phoning her every day with endless questions and the DC were crying and having trouble going to sleep. And I just thought, fuck me, that is utterly ridiculous. Yet she has created that situation.

MrsBobDylan · 27/06/2021 18:27

You have a very dysfunctional relationship op.

Ultimately, if you are nervous and your dh is seething with anger about you staying away for the night, of course the kids will be hysterical about it. They pick up on their parents feeling and everything you and your dh do is telling them something's wrong and Mummy should be here.

It's not fair to impose that fear on them.

coco123456789 · 27/06/2021 19:17

I think if a child has additional needs, all the more reason to get them comfortable with as many people as possible. As otherwise you become their whole world which isn’t a great place for either you or them to be in.