Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about leaving dc for the night?

131 replies

Rainbowbrite85 · 26/06/2021 16:49

I’ve two dc, aged 13 and 5, this will be the first time I’ve left the 5 year old overnight and only the second time I’ve left the 13 year old.
I’m planning on going to an outdoor concert and then staying over and doing some shopping the next day with my best friend.
They’ll be fine, right? I feel really anxious about it and I know they won’t be very happy either (not broken it to them yet). I’m considering cancelling because I’m already catastrophising and I’m not even there yet.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 27/06/2021 19:42

Just promise them a wee gift on your return.
The youngest will only cry for a few minutes if they cry at all. The 13 yr old will get over it.

You could always do a few Trial runs, leave with the grandparents for 3 hours, then 5 hours,then full day. That way they can get used to periods of time without you

HalzTangz · 27/06/2021 19:44

@Rainbowbrite85

He thinks I shouldn’t stay away a night, I’m working up the courage to tell him I’m also going to have a night away when he does.
No courage needed, just say what's good for the goose is good for the gander. He hasn't right to the you if you can go out or not
Embracelife · 27/06/2021 19:46

Send them over when you not going on a big night out as a trial
Make it an adventure

TheGenealogist · 27/06/2021 19:47

@Rainbowbrite85

I think up until now I haven’t really. They are with me or at school and are very used to me being here all the time. The older one won’t be thrilled. There’s a chance the little one will be distraught. And I’m back to being torn between wanting to go and the guilt again. Men don’t have this, do they?!
Most women don't have this either.

You are being ridiculously anxious about leaving a teenager and a 5 year old. Who are to be cared for by people who you trust, and who love them.

The fact that the 13 year old will kick off and the 5 year old will be distraught is entirely down to you, and your parenting. Being with your kids 24/7 is not healthy for them or for you. It's needy, co-dependent, and downright weird.

Redtartanshoes · 27/06/2021 19:48

I mis-read that as a fortnight.

A night? You are doing them
A favour…. They need to have a little independence, as do you!

AliceW89 · 27/06/2021 20:02

Oh OP, your DH sounds useless and actually a bit controlling if you feel you have to ‘work up the courage’ to discuss this. My DH has looked after our DS (who’s only 13 months) more nights than I have this week due to my night shifts!

I really hope you get to enjoy yourself. Of course you love your kids and want them to be happy, but your DH really needs to step up and do his fair share too. If he doesn’t then off they go to their GPs so you can enjoy yourself - DH really can’t have it both ways x

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 27/06/2021 20:09

I haven’t purposefully made it so that they’ve barely been away from me - my DH has never been willing and my parents don’t offer either, I have to ask and they also don’t think I should be going away. My own mother never did so I don’t think she thinks I should. DH would need a comprehensive list of instructions, no that’s not true. He wouldn’t need them, but he’d say he did so it was as tricky as possible. I don’t drink so he’s always just said to drive back if I’ve been out, whereas he drinks so his argument is then that he has to stay over somewhere. He’s been away for several nights at a time with his friends, there’s not a chance that I would ever ever be able to do that, I’m more likely to be able to fly to the moon.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/06/2021 20:15

The kids will be fine.

You have a major DH problem, but I expect you already know that. He is a selfish knob.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/06/2021 20:17

I have an 8 year old and have had plenty of nights away from him. I don't feel any guilt at all. But that's probably because I don't have a useless DH guilt tripping me about it.

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 27/06/2021 20:23

He says he doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t just come home after. I suppose he’s a point as I’m never drunk so can just drive back.

OP posts:
AliceW89 · 27/06/2021 20:25

@Rainbowbrite85

He says he doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t just come home after. I suppose he’s a point as I’m never drunk so can just drive back.
Because you want to get up in the morning when you want and have a leisurely breakfast with your friend and then drive home at your own pace? As your DH does with his friends? I don’t drink alcohol but this in no way would make me think I couldn’t stay away x
MysweetAudrina · 27/06/2021 20:25

I've booked myself in for a 2 night yoga retreat next weekend. Not a shred of guilt to be found or felt. Can't wait. Dh and the kids will be fine and hopefully a bit more appreciative of all I do for them when I return. Not sure why you would feel guilty and not sure why your dh thinks it's his decision the hypocritical, double standard nob jockey.

slashlover · 27/06/2021 20:26

@Rainbowbrite85

He says he doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t just come home after. I suppose he’s a point as I’m never drunk so can just drive back.
He could choose not to drink so he doesn't have to stay over anywhere.
Doublestar · 27/06/2021 20:31

You're being ridiculous, sorry. Your dc's are probably anxious because that's the way you are. It sounds to me like you think being a "good" mum means smothering them. It will be better for them in the long run if they are able to be confident being left with other people (not even a random sitter, but your parents?)
How will they cope when they have to leave home? Part of being a good parents is teaching your kids self-reliance and resilience, and not pandering to them. So what if they're a bit upset when you leave, they'll stop crying as soon as your back is turned (as any nursery worker/teacher will tell you!)

Doublestar · 27/06/2021 20:33

Sorry, just read the stuff about your DH. Good grief!

coco123456789 · 27/06/2021 20:35

I am sure this is a wind up. It’s just not possible for someone to martyr themselves to this extent for so many years.

Men do have guilt by the way. My DH always feels guilty if he is away from the kids as he doesn’t see them as much (though that has changed with lockdown and working at home). Please don’t assume that your DHs behaviour is just typical man behaviour!

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 27/06/2021 20:36

I’ve said this, that it’s about the space and no one wanting me to be up at 7am but it makes no difference.

OP posts:
coco123456789 · 27/06/2021 20:40

What about when you go away as a couple for birthdays, anniversary’s etc. Surely a man wants his wife to himself for a break away sometimes for quality time?!

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 27/06/2021 20:44

We’ve never done that.

OP posts:
TheDevils · 27/06/2021 20:46

You are in an abusive relationship. This level of control is not normal.

Do you have support IRL?

toocold54 · 27/06/2021 20:49

Honestly I think having a break away makes people better parents. It’s one night not one week. Go and enjoy yourself and let your parents enjoy themselves with their grandchildren Smile

toocold54 · 27/06/2021 20:51

Is your DH staying the night out with you? If not can you change your weekends so one of you are at home with the DCs if you’re worried?

Original poster
Rainbowbrite85 · 27/06/2021 20:52

No DH is going out separately. That’s why I’m choosing this weekend because my parents can have the dc.
On a different weekend I just wouldn’t be able to go because DH wouldn’t have the dc but he wouldn’t like me asking my parents to either because it would reflect badly on him.

OP posts:
lardylegs123 · 27/06/2021 20:55

If you have only left your 13 year old overnight once in his life, because of your own anxiety, then that really isn't normal.
What on earth to you have to feel worried or guilty about? Confused
Just go and enjoy your child-free time. We adults are allowed to have our own life once in a while, and don't need it defined entirely by our offspring.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/06/2021 20:56

So what's the next step? Are you happy to be married to a man who doesn't parent his own children?