To think lifelong monogamy is unrealistic

[fancyaflatwhite]

That's it really. Never cheated and don't plan to. Love DH dearly. But after 18 years the butterflies aren't there any more. Is it terrible to think I'd really miss never having that exciting, knicker-twisting crush/first kiss feeling ever again to the point I'm not sure i can do it?

Personally O think there is great more to life than those feelings and nice as they are, it is quite hard to function as a same human being when that is all you think about and most of the time you feel sick with excitement. I am much preferring the deep contentment of being with my best mate 20 years later, having been through thick and thin together.

Depends on whether you value the "first time butterfly" experiences more than the stability and comfort of a long term relationship.

Both have their benefits and drawbacks.

It doesn’t really sound like you do love your DH… at least not in the way you would want to love your husband. Surely desiring him is part of the package of loving him? Of course desiring someone in a long term relationship is different to crushing on someone sort term, but often it’s a better experience and not lesser than the rush you feel when meeting someone? It’s a deeper, more genuine and more loving sort of desire. You hopefully will still fancy your husband though! If not, I think you’re just with the wrong person OP.

Really?

I wouldn't have thought it was unrealistic to expect anyone to only be shagging one person at a time. I'd be pretty gutted to be with someone who felt they couldn't manage that.

I think its unrealistic for some people, yet the still insist and promising monogamy while cheating.

I think that's the problem with monogamy. People promise it, wether they mean it or not. Then cheat and say 'oh accident, whoops'. People promise it, want their partner to stick to it but break ot themselves.

If monogamy isn't for you (not you op, just general you) be up front about it

I'm fine with monogomy. Dh and I have a good sex life and I have no desire to shag anyone else at all. Hopefully dh feels the same way

Was it really like that when you were single or is it rose tinted glasses to some extent?

Yes dating around at some times was exciting but there were a load of creeps and a lot of sadness that went along with it. Just as long term monogamy has its ups and downs.

Some people manage it. Maybe not realistic for everyone.

I think it is possible. I have been single for 5 years since splitting with ex as the though of having sex with anyone repulses me, I am very happy to stick with one person and never wanted multiple partners

Its a different thing - been with dh 30 odd years - he's my soulmate. There is no one better for me. Its not all ripping off each others clothes every minute but we still do have our moments all this time later.

I'm totally fine with monogamy and happy with dh. Firstly the relationships board has totally and utterly put me off the idea of getting involved with another man ever again (ltr or otherwise) even if I found myself single. And secondly, while I enjoyed the exciting, knicker-twisting thing when I was in my 20s, my older self has no urge to revisit it.

It's been over 15 years for DH & I and I can't imagine even wanting to kiss anyone else, let alone have another partner.

So yes, YABU.

Life’s been up and down and I struggled, it hasn’t been perfect. 37 years and I appreciate our warm, rubbing along, knowing he’s always got my backness.

What is your daily life like with DH? Do you still do fun things, laugh a lot, have enough time just the two of you?

I don't think monogamy is for everyone but sometimes it's just the relationship has gotten a bit routine and can be perked up again

14 years here and I still have butterflies, I think we're pretty lucky though

It’s hard work being with one person for life - you are likely to encounter lots of changes in life, in yourself, in them. Sometimes you find you are not the same person, or they aren’t, and that can be a real crossroads. On the other hand, poly relationships are damned hard work, too. Lots of configurations work from exclusivity onwards. I guess I’m just saying relationships are difficult!

Whatever floats your boat OP. :) different people want different things in life. I've been with my OH for 10 years and although all the fresh excitement has gone, I love that we're so comfortable with each other and know each other so well and we just live in sync with each other. It's lovely. I think it's really romantic! Dating someone new sounds like a lot of hard work now!

I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, I’m only in my early 30’s but if we ever split up I think I’d be quite happy just being by myself, there’s no one else I’d rather be with and I really couldn’t be bothered with all the faff of trying to find someone else, especially with all the drama and stories I hear, it just sounds exhausting!

Your AIBU is two fold really. YANBU to yearn for that 'first time' feeling. YABU to suggest lifelong monogamy is unachievable.

If you've got a good imagination and have had lots of exciting experiences prior to settling down then that can be comforting. I would rather have a stable relationship with the man I love for the rest of my life than have that first time feeling with a few different people.

Thing is so many of those men who induced initial knicker twisting feelings ended up being twats and cocklodgers. I love my husband, no I don't get butterflies every day like I did when we first dated, life and child rearing put paid to that for now, but when we get a night out on our own, when I look at him across a candle lit restaurant table and listen to him talk about something he's passionate about, I still get flutters. If I was to go back on the dating scene I'd be looking for a replica and I'm a big fan of original and authentic.

You can always have an open marriage if you want. The key is accepting what you want and being honest about it, then accept the consequences. What people do is they cheat, are dishonest and want to have their cake and eat it too.
It doesn’t work like that.

I think it’s harder work to remain in one lifelong relationship, but the benefits often outweigh the ease of a quick, cheap thrill. Lust is short lived and the grass is often only greener in fiction.

While you can never go back to the heady thrill of those first days I think it's possible to reignite the flame.

I've been with my OH for decades now and fancy him more than ever. We had a bad patch when our children were young but weathered the storm and I'm so glad we did. It was hard work but I love being with someone who knows me inside out and I cherish all the years we've spent together and all that shared history.

I had the knicker twisting with my dh 30 years ago and I still tap into it when he’s lecturing me about correct dishwasher loading. . I absolutely believe in monogamy with the right person.

Nancy Mitford captures the problem with chasing a new relationship better than anyone.

But I think she would have been happy with Fabrice,' I said. 'He was the great love of her life, you know.'
Oh, dulling,' said my mother, sadly. 'One always thinks that. Every, every time.'

Personally O think there is great more to life than those feelings and nice as they are, it is quite hard to function as a same human being when that is all you think about and most of the time you feel sick with excitement. I am much preferring the deep contentment of being with my best mate 20 years later, having been through thick and thin together

Totally agree - and been together with my best mate even longer..