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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think lifelong monogamy is unrealistic

115 replies

fancyaflatwhite · 25/06/2021 18:30

That's it really. Never cheated and don't plan to. Love DH dearly. But after 18 years the butterflies aren't there any more. Is it terrible to think I'd really miss never having that exciting, knicker-twisting crush/first kiss feeling ever again to the point I'm not sure i can do it?

OP posts:
LemonRoses · 26/06/2021 10:17

@wowhie

Interesting I get married being better off than single as 2 incomes but I assumed cohabiting would be in line. I wonder if it's just married people are more likely to be able to afford a house & most who bought houses in the past have seen that asset grow considerably!
It is interesting, isn’t it?

warwickeconomicssummitblog.com/2020/01/24/get-hitched-get-rich-the-economic-case-for-marriage/

wowhie · 26/06/2021 10:21

Glad I got married then! 😆

Biffbaff · 26/06/2021 10:24

Monogamy isn't for everyone. But it is for me. I have only ever had one boyfriend, who became my husband, and if anything happened to him I can't see myself wanting anyone else.

Tiw8 · 26/06/2021 10:26

My issue is not around just sex but around the monotony of being with just one person. I like to meet new people, explore, be free to do what I want with whom I want when I want. I thought monogamy was for me when I was younger as I had been sold a dream. As I got older I realised it wasn’t for me at all. I felt stifled so I made the decision to bring my relationship to an end which hurt him very much. I regret that but am glad I jumped before I was unfaithful. I now live the life I want and feel like the real me has finally been discovered.

brokentelemetry · 26/06/2021 16:55

@vdbfamily

Personally O think there is great more to life than those feelings and nice as they are, it is quite hard to function as a same human being when that is all you think about and most of the time you feel sick with excitement. I am much preferring the deep contentment of being with my best mate 20 years later, having been through thick and thin together.
@vdbfamily

Says the person who thinks gay people should be celibate and not be legally allowed to marry.

gillysSong · 26/06/2021 16:58

Been married 30 years and the flame of passion just like the begginning. Sure there were times when it waned, over these years. But it never goes out if it's meant to be.

RachaelE · 26/06/2021 17:12

Well every relationship of course but I’ve been with my husband since we were both 17 and our relationship is as strong as ever. I still get excited about him and as far as I can tell he feels the same way. Our sex life is great and hasn’t dwindled despite having dc, work, life pressures etc. We have the odd arguments like most other couples but on the whole we are very happy.

aibubaby · 26/06/2021 17:14

I know what you mean, OP. I don't know if it's surprising that we crave newness and difference - I think that ispart of why we find such long marriages impressive, that they've 'stuck at' something that might sometimes be difficult or not exciting.

We see it as our clever human morals overriding those more fundamental urges. I think it goes hand in hand with an attitude you see on here a lot, which is that wanting sexual novelty or lots of sex is vaguely embarrassing and animal - we see people who stick with long term relationships despite that as impressive, for curbing those pesky animal feelings.

So some people see sticking with it even when the passion has died down or gone entirely as the romantic part - committing despite that. Others don't agree - I don't, to be honest.

I love my DH and I am still excited by him (although we've only been together a decade, so there's plenty of time for that to fade, I imagine). He's my best friend and I adore him and there's nobody I'd rather live with or come home to after a difficult day. But we have some polyamorous friends and they are equally happy, plus (the one I am closest with assures me) they get to have the newness and excitement of different sexual and romantic partners too. DH and I talked a lot about their relationship and whether it'd work for us and concluded that we're both too lazy (and currently fully satisfied anyways), but that we'd never say never. Not because we value sex more than our relationship with each other but because we know that it's not unusual for people and sexual tastes and appetites to change over a long time. If one of us was less interested in sex or wanted something different, we'd at least have the conversation about how to approach that because our relationship is too important to lose over a basic need like sex being met.

vincettenoir · 26/06/2021 18:38

Both men and women moved on. Women had children with multiple partners to increase the chance of surviving offspring. Its believed that women were as promiscuous as men. It’s not my idea it’s something that’s generally accepted by evolutionary biologists.

Lili132 · 26/06/2021 22:21

@wowhie

Interesting I get married being better off than single as 2 incomes but I assumed cohabiting would be in line. I wonder if it's just married people are more likely to be able to afford a house & most who bought houses in the past have seen that asset grow considerably!
Correlation is not the same as causation! Marriage doesn't magically make people invest more and earn more, simply wealthy people with more assets tend to get married more often. And marriage doesn't suddenly make people more committed but people who are more committed tend to get married more often then people who are not.
LemonRoses · 26/06/2021 23:15

Lili132 I think you’re right, but think it’s more complicated than that. If you look at the study, even allowing for wealth on entering marriage, those in marriages got richer over time.

I think marriage is still a very big commitment for many and people are more likely to pool income and save together, if they know they are working towards a common goal. There’s more scope to support one career acceleration - without fear you might have to support yourself as a single parent. I think those who plan for a married future tend to plan for other things too - houses, children, location moves etc.

Saoirse82 · 27/06/2021 03:55

I prefer what we have now, yes, we aren't swinging from the chandeliers anymore but that's OK with me, I'm content with the level of love, respect, trust and intimacy we have and just couldn't imagine ever feeling that way about anyone else. I think monogamy with the right person is definitely realistic. I see single friends or friends in other relationships going through lots of toxic BS that comes with dating in todays world and im incredibly grateful that I've found the one. That sounds so cheesy Blush

Mandalay246 · 27/06/2021 04:42

Married people were more likely to buy homes and make other investments together than those who were cohabiting. This potentially demonstrates that knowing the relationship is for life spurs a greater motivation to invest in the relationship. In contrast, cohabiting couples show a stronger tendency to save and invest less.

Surely that depends on where people live? I live in a country where it is quite common for couples to not marry but commit for life, and they buy houses and have children together. Not all parts of the world are like the UK, where people seem to marry for financial reasons.

Torvean · 27/06/2021 04:55

@vdbfamily

Personally O think there is great more to life than those feelings and nice as they are, it is quite hard to function as a same human being when that is all you think about and most of the time you feel sick with excitement. I am much preferring the deep contentment of being with my best mate 20 years later, having been through thick and thin together.
This.
Majorfluff · 27/06/2021 06:51

I agree OP. That's why we swing and have an open marriage as it keeps the excitement going. Been together 48 years so it works.

speakout · 27/06/2021 07:02

I really couldn't be arsed with the butterflies any more.
OH and I have been together for 26 years.
We care for each other but I also love the practical aspects of living with a partner. Just the simple stuff -sharing household tasks, cooking and having someone else clean the kitchen, someone to do the shopping, deal with stuff, share life burdens. Pluse as a couple we have the benefit of two incomes and are able to live in a big house in a good area- that would not be possible in one salary.

TreeSmuggler · 27/06/2021 07:32

I suppose it's like anything in life, it's a nice feeling but not one you can experience forever. I'm a bit sad I'll never get the excitement of holding my new baby again, or the excitement of graduating high school, but there's no point trying to relive those things, nor would I want to. They are nice memories though.

I actually think it's the opposite of what OP said that's the most unrealistic - that you can keep experiencing that first love feeling your whole life, even with new partners. That feeling lasts 1-2 years, so you'd be constantly looking for someone new and you can't always find someone when you want. Maybe you are an amazingly attractive supermodel OP but I'm just a normal person. I've been single for years in the past, and that's when I was young and my most attractive. Not sure I'll have new amazing men knocking on my door when I'm 60, 70 or 80.

Youdiditanyway · 27/06/2021 08:15

Suppose it’s how important lust is to you really. It’s unrealistic to expect the lustful feeling of a fresh romance to ever last. We’re all humans, we all go through crap times and when you love someone for a long time you go through those side by side. The crazy lust filled honeymoon period will never last long with anyone so unless you jump from person to person forever, you have to just accept that feeling won’t return.

LibertyMole · 27/06/2021 08:22

That crazy in love feeling is surely for young people anyway?

Are two sixty year olds really going to meet each other and feel like teenagers?

I am divorced and would never think of getting into a new relationship now I am hitting menopause.

speakout · 27/06/2021 08:29

LibertyMole8

Lust can happen within a relationship.
Even at 60!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/06/2021 08:36

Eh. That feeling is fun and everything, but I don't really fancy all the uncertainty and confusion and upset that also comes along with it. I'd rather be married and building something as a team.

You can have exciting starting-something-new-and-scary feelings in other areas of your life than romance. You can even do it WITH your spouse.

bathsh3ba · 27/06/2021 09:50

It's perfectly achievable but it takes work, sacrifice and an acceptance that nobody is happy all of the time. It's easy to convince yourself the grass is greener, but I'd rather have a solid, dependable husband by my side any day than a stream of 'first crush' butterflies. And I'm currently single.

Nonmaquillee · 27/06/2021 09:53

@LibertyMole

That crazy in love feeling is surely for young people anyway?

Are two sixty year olds really going to meet each other and feel like teenagers?

I am divorced and would never think of getting into a new relationship now I am hitting menopause.

I’m a similar age and menopause doesn’t stop me from feeling lust!! If anything, it’s better than ever. Give it a go…
waltzingparrot · 27/06/2021 10:05

I don't think lifelong monogamy is unrealistic. But
I can see you may have had a moment of realisation that you won't have the stomach wobbling butterflies of early love again if you stay with your partner forever.

I noticed this when a few friends split up in their 30s and I watched them go all giddy and melty when they found love again. But then I looked at DH and thought I've got something way way deeper which I wouldn't want to swap in a million years for a wobbly tummy.

worktrip · 27/06/2021 11:20

It's called growing up and having different aspirations about life.