To think lifelong monogamy is unrealistic

[fancyaflatwhite]

That's it really. Never cheated and don't plan to. Love DH dearly. But after 18 years the butterflies aren't there any more. Is it terrible to think I'd really miss never having that exciting, knicker-twisting crush/first kiss feeling ever again to the point I'm not sure i can do it?

I think Nancy Mitford might be too clever for me because that's gone right over my head.

I love my partner very very much snd hate the idea of being without him. Everyone's different though.

Hello Matt

Nancy was on the money

Butterflies are fleeting in most relationships.
A few years perhaps.
And butterflies are not always the best things in life.

I like monogamy plus DH is still very attractive so still gives me butterflies.

There are more important things than exciting feelings. My DH doesn’t excite me. But he’ll wipe my arse when one day I’m inevitably dying of cancer. That’s real love.

Yes, Tuberoses, if we only look at 'love' as depicted in film and TV (ie romping sex adventures) we'd get a real misunderstanding what real love actually is and how it's shown in so many ways.

Of course life long monogamy is unrealistic for many. We are all different. I worry that if I commit to one person forever I might miss out on a great adventure.

Very anecdotal but when this comes up I think of my mums friend- she walked out on her husband for a new man, it was all fireworks at dawn and butterflies etc.
Her husband prophetically said she would never find someone who would put up with her shit like he did.
And he was right-new bloke got bored and she went grovelling back to get the door slammed in her face. Ex- husband re-married and they are happy, whilst mums friend is alone, cries often, has strings of disastrous short term relationships where she goes in head first with men who could take her or leave her.

The grass isn’t really greener.

There’s a lot to be said for the comfort and intimacy of someone who you have been with for a long time- it’s not quite as exciting and blood pumping as the chase but it’s something more fulfilling and consistently joyful.

I agree. Humans did not evolve this way. People were promiscuous. Couples were pair bonded for a few years to procreate and care for a child together through infancy. And then they moved on.

Don’t feel bad about feeling this way. It is entirely natural. Polygamy is gaining traction but it comes with some complications that most people (including me) don’t want to work through. And that’s before you consider societal expectations.

I definitely think some people find monogamy easier than others.

@vincettenoir

I agree. Humans did not evolve this way. People were promiscuous. Couples were pair bonded for a few years to procreate and care for a child together through infancy. And then they moved on.

Don’t feel bad about feeling this way. It is entirely natural. Polygamy is gaining traction but it comes with some complications that most people (including me) don’t want to work through. And that’s before you consider societal expectations.

Do you mean to write ‘men’ moved on? Because that is what happened mostly.

I really like being single, and enjoy having new romances and dalliances when they come along.

But to make that work I have to be really self sufficient emotionally, financially and practically, and I have good friends and family.

The intermittent lovers are really just for an extra bit of fun and yes, I enjoy that new 'getting to know' someone phase more than I would enjoy a long, co habiting, sexually monogamous lifestyle.

@Twokitstwokats

Of course life long monogamy is unrealistic for many. We are all different. I worry that if I commit to one person forever I might miss out on a great adventure.

You could just as likely miss out on a great adventure by not committing to someone, the main one of course is the commitment of parenthood which is an adventure that is much better within a happy monogamous relationship (and the main reason people chose to commit to each other). Of course marriage and parenthood in particular restricts your opportunities to travel and work in different places, and it's a completely valid life choice to not want that. But moving from place to place, job to job and relationship to relationship means you miss out on some aspects of life as well. There are compromises required however you choose to live.

@vincettenoir

I agree. Humans did not evolve this way. People were promiscuous. Couples were pair bonded for a few years to procreate and care for a child together through infancy. And then they moved on.

Don’t feel bad about feeling this way. It is entirely natural. Polygamy is gaining traction but it comes with some complications that most people (including me) don’t want to work through. And that’s before you consider societal expectations.

Interesting idea. What’s your evidence base?

@Twokitstwokats

Of course life long monogamy is unrealistic for many. We are all different. I worry that if I commit to one person forever I might miss out on a great adventure.

I’d say completely the opposite. I come from a position where monogamy and long term marriage is the norm, though.

Long term married couples are likely to be richer, quite a lot richer than cohabiting partners with separate finances. That additional wealth offers greater opportunities for those adventures.

I've only been with my DH nearly a decade, but for a solid 5 years we spent nearly every moment together , we worked at same place.

I still got excited when he walked past my area at work, I left and now I get excited when I hear his key in the door.

He's not perfect, but he is the most caring man I've ever met and that makes me love him even more.

As for the never getting another first kiss I just go back and read my journal of the night we first kissed (yeah sound like a teen but I love keeping journals).

Long term married couples are likely to be richer, quite a lot richer than cohabiting partners with separate finances.

Why is that??

I don't know, everyone is different.
We've been married for over 30 years and laugh so much every day its almost obscene, even our children comment on it
I can't imagine having such a good relationship with anyone else. We just click
That said, I'd never take anything for granted and everyday is a blessing

I guess it's a mix of emotion, the current situation, ect that all factor in

Its not realistic for everybody.
I dont find monogamy hard. I like it.
I have friends however who definitely wouldnt manage it.

I had a knicker-twisting crush on a celebrity last week. Proper "why am I with DH when men like that exist in the world, it's not too late, we don't have kids, maybe I can go out and have a few stonking love affairs".

Then it went away again, and DH with all his lovely and not so lovely habits came back into focus. The "crush" I have on him ebbs and flows, but the love doesn't.

@wowhie

Long term married couples are likely to be richer, quite a lot richer than cohabiting partners with separate finances.

Why is that??

Married people are statistically happier. They suffer less depression, so have greater earning potential.

Research through Warwick showed that marriage makes you richer. In virtually every country ever studied, workers who are married earn between 10% and 20% more than those who are single. This figure holds after many other influences are factored out (in other words, it bears in mind there are lots of other forces that affect pay, including someone’s age and education and gender and so on).

A 2005 study found that found that the wealth of married respondents increased by around 14% for each year they were married. Compared to their single cohort, married people almost doubled their wealth, increasing it over 93%.
Married people were more likely to buy homes and make other investments together than those who were cohabiting. This potentially demonstrates that knowing the relationship is for life spurs a greater motivation to invest in the relationship. In contrast, cohabiting couples show a stronger tendency to save and invest less.

Interesting I get married being better off than single as 2 incomes but I assumed cohabiting would be in line. I wonder if it's just married people are more likely to be able to afford a house & most who bought houses in the past have seen that asset grow considerably!