To think lifelong monogamy is unrealistic

[fancyaflatwhite]

That's it really. Never cheated and don't plan to. Love DH dearly. But after 18 years the butterflies aren't there any more. Is it terrible to think I'd really miss never having that exciting, knicker-twisting crush/first kiss feeling ever again to the point I'm not sure i can do it?

If monogamy means 'no feelings for anyone else', yes I think that's unrealistic. I think people in happy monogamous relationships can have intense crushes on other people and enjoy that feeling while not acting on them. Emotions are weird. There are people I had a crush on a few years ago that now I feel nothing for or am happy not seeing.

With lifelong, as I said on the thread about whether affairs are more common, I think that an idea that some have of teenagers still in school being in monogamous relationships that will last a lifetime does more harm than good. There are the outliers, but I think there are benefits for young people having non-exclusive relationships for a significant amount of time before making an active choice to go monogamous.

I think in general monogamy being seen as an active choice that has benefits, risks (like not having that first rush again), and responsibilities to be agreed upon in a more detailed way than often portrayed rather than the default romantic option because a pair of people like each other or have been on X amount of dates would mean a better chance for those who choose it.

Beyond that, I think it's a mix of individual personality and environment. For some, maybe it's not realistic at all, society has somewhat moved to a serial monogamy assumption and polyamorous relationships are becoming somewhat more accepted which may encourage some, but I know others in open or polyamorous relationships who identify that way and still live for many happy years as monogamous because of no real desire to deal with dating & the thrill of the new doesn't appeal either but are just 'open to the possibility' often after a while of having been in non-exclusive relationships or really only want affection friendships (meaning holding hands, cuddling on the couch rather than FWB-sex 'affection') with other people but as there is largely an idea that those types of affections are only for romantic partners so they find it easier to find others who also enjoy that type of platonic relationship through polyamorous communities.

People are complicated, our relationships more so, I'm not sure we can pin much down as entirely unrealistic.

I actually find the fact that me and DP know each other so well and so intimately really hot. Im not saying I never see anyone else that i find attractive, but its not difficult for me to keep the excitement. I dont need novelty to be excited by someone, but I think a lot of people do. They love the getting to know somebody and a new body to find out about.
For me, ive had plenty of experience before settling down and I feel that what me and dp have is pretty special and anyone else is likely to be a downgrade. Its my 3rd long term relationship and I know full well that getting butterflies and excitement with someone else or finding them fascinating and compelling doesnt always last.
I think it depends on stuff like that as to whether monogamy is for you.
Im not particularly judgy about non-monogamy. Im just grateful I dont find it difficult because I think monogamy is simpler

@thecatsthecats

I had a knicker-twisting crush on a celebrity last week. Proper "why am I with DH when men like that exist in the world, it's not too late, we don't have kids, maybe I can go out and have a few stonking love affairs".

Then it went away again, and DH with all his lovely and not so lovely habits came back into focus. The "crush" I have on him ebbs and flows, but the love doesn't.

I love this! Almost 40 years with mine, the things I fancied about him are still there, even though the outside has changed quite a bit. Fantasy, yes. But I have no problem being monogamous and never had. However, monogamy is a thing in my extended family, so perhaps that’s a factor too.

Isn't that what fantasies are for? You can safely imagine the thrill of it without acting on it.

In all honesty the thought of hurting my DH means I never would, I wouldn't risk destroying our relationship and family or hurting the wonderful soul that he is. Besides the fact that if Tom Hiddleston happened to be free, I bet he wouldn't fancy me

Somarefuser

My mum and dad have been together just under forty years, and I think that makes a difference.

I am actually pro-divorce - I wouldn't exist if my mum hadn't left her abusive first husband, and I always advise girlfriends with cold feet that divorce is always an option.

The crush feeling is great, but I'm also a realist. It's a fleeting feeling whoever you're with, ebbs and flows even in the best of relationships. It's the most exciting bit for a reason because it helps form those deep bonds.

(I also find it entirely natural that new couples ditch their friends etc to bond with a new partner then chill out later, and I don't mind at all. Most friends forget that the same thing happens at the start of a new friendship because that bonding takes time. I find it hugely childish and emotional-vampirey to sulk because your friend is bonding with a partner.)

Agree with all of that, @Icecreamsoda99. But oi, hands off Hiddleston!

@lazylinguist

Mating in Captivity is a good read on monogamy

I love being with my bestie all the time 💕 I just can’t be bothered with all the game playing that comes with new relationships and the what ifs. No thanks.

I liked the rush of feelings etc when meeting new people (but that was always tinged with uncertainty, and having to compromise on far more of yourself- I don’t miss the game part of it, the mating dance) but I far prefer the physical affection, connection and emotional support in a long lasting monogamous relationship. So for me the benefits of this are incomparable. I understand the historical merit in non-monogamy but in today’s world I honestly don’t see the benefits of non monogamy.

‘I’m a similar age and menopause doesn’t stop me from feeling lust!! If anything, it’s better than ever. Give it a go…’

I’m not talking about lust though. I am talking about the head over heels falling in love craziness that teens get, and maybe even people in their early twenties.

It’s not what mature relationships are about.

@LibertyMole

‘I’m a similar age and menopause doesn’t stop me from feeling lust!! If anything, it’s better than ever. Give it a go…’

I’m not talking about lust though. I am talking about the head over heels falling in love craziness that teens get, and maybe even people in their early twenties.

It’s not what mature relationships are about.

Maturity in terms of your age doesn’t exclude falling head over heels or feeling lustful in the early stages of a relationship - thank God. It’s not just the young who experience this. I feel sorry for you if you think it’s not possible at a more “mature” stage in life to feel this way about a new partner.

The butterflies aren’t there anymore but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to be unfaithful, if that’s what you’re asking? But, of course you should expect to be sexually satisfied, and men can get lazier and lazier with this as time goes on… Also, what turned you on in your youth may not do it for you anymore… Time to explore new things, not new people.

In general though when you miss thise butterflies and that incredibly excited hot feeling, what you’re missing isn’t a new lover - it’s youth. And that’s just something we have to live with. I also miss my waistline, my stamina, my young teeth, my glossy dark hair, my hairless chin - etc.

@BiBabbles

If monogamy means 'no feelings for anyone else', yes I think that's unrealistic. I think people in happy monogamous relationships can have intense crushes on other people and enjoy that feeling while not acting on them. Emotions are weird. There are people I had a crush on a few years ago that now I feel nothing for or am happy not seeing.

With lifelong, as I said on the thread about whether affairs are more common, I think that an idea that some have of teenagers still in school being in monogamous relationships that will last a lifetime does more harm than good. There are the outliers, but I think there are benefits for young people having non-exclusive relationships for a significant amount of time before making an active choice to go monogamous.

I think in general monogamy being seen as an active choice that has benefits, risks (like not having that first rush again), and responsibilities to be agreed upon in a more detailed way than often portrayed rather than the default romantic option because a pair of people like each other or have been on X amount of dates would mean a better chance for those who choose it.

Beyond that, I think it's a mix of individual personality and environment. For some, maybe it's not realistic at all, society has somewhat moved to a serial monogamy assumption and polyamorous relationships are becoming somewhat more accepted which may encourage some, but I know others in open or polyamorous relationships who identify that way and still live for many happy years as monogamous because of no real desire to deal with dating & the thrill of the new doesn't appeal either but are just 'open to the possibility' often after a while of having been in non-exclusive relationships or really only want affection friendships (meaning holding hands, cuddling on the couch rather than FWB-sex 'affection') with other people but as there is largely an idea that those types of affections are only for romantic partners so they find it easier to find others who also enjoy that type of platonic relationship through polyamorous communities.

People are complicated, our relationships more so, I'm not sure we can pin much down as entirely unrealistic.

I like what you've said here about actively deciding to be monogamous. Because for some it isn't easy or natural but we mostly go along with it. I think the OP is finding her mono relationship a little stale, not that she is actively interested in being poly. I don't find that it is easy for me to be connected sexually/emotionally/romantically with just one man. So I've chosen to try out ethical non-monogamy. And that's nothing to do with butterflies!

Clearly it works for millions of people and has done throughout history - your grip on reality is tenuous

I can’t think of anything worse, awkward first times, not knowing each other’s likes and dislikes, wondering if they like you as much as you like them. I’m too old for that. I’m 33 and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with my partner of 11 years.

I don't think monogamy is realistic. I wonder how many on here know for sure their partners are 100% faithful. I am sure we all know people where one or the other is unfaithful. An open relationship works for us and enriches our relationship.

@majorfluff by the same token, many open relationships wouldn't know, if the other person is acting outside the boundaries they have put in place. Or aren't really that happy with an open relationship, but go along with it for their partner. That happens alot. Same with threesomes etc.

My feelings about me being monogamous are not dependent on the person I am with. I prefer monogamy. I am not terribly sociable and have no desire to meet and be intimate with more than one person.

If DP cheats on me, then he is a person who monogamy is not possible for HIM. Its not going to make me feel any different about how I feel about ME being monogamous. If he wants an open relationship, I would be happy for him to pursue that. Just not in a relationship with me.

Monogamy is for me. That won't change if dp decided to be a dick and cheat

I have no issue with open relationships. I have friends who are in and have been in them. They work, for some people. They don't for others. Same as monogamy. If it works for you, it's great.

But I think some people on both sides, need to stop pretending their way is the perfect more evolved way of relationships.

@Majorfluff

I don't think monogamy is realistic. I wonder how many on here know for sure their partners are 100% faithful. I am sure we all know people where one or the other is unfaithful. An open relationship works for us and enriches our relationship.

I absolutely know both of us have been entirely faithful.

Realistically, unless you are going to only have short relationships, at some point things do change that said i do get that feeling with dp, and whilst it's relatively new, I didn't with exh after this amount of time.

Ladylokidoki some really good points.
I also question whether non monogamy is helpful in long term child raising.
How does that work? I have one 21 year old at university- nursing, so quite a challenging course and benefits from support. My 23 yo DS has severe MH issues and unable to work. My Oh and I are together and between us provide huge support for our adult children.
I can't imagine a non biological parntner willing to do that.

@speakout I have no idea of the impact on kids. Or even if there's studies.

If I had to guess, I would say it like anything else. Wethwr the parents are together, together unhappy, open marriage, poly relationship, divorced it all depends on how the adults in the situation act. That would the biggest impactor, is my opinion.

I am notbsure about non biological parents not willing to do what a parent does. I have 2 uncles whose sons are technically their step kids. But they are their dad. They brought them up, they love them the same as they do their own kids. So again, I think it depends on the adults. I imagine some people are poly and fab parents. Some will be terrible. I think (and I am not sure) open relationships are different to poly. Poly is usually an actually relationship between all the people involved. Where I think, open means they swing and have their own sex partners. But its not a relationship where they would say, all live together.

There is no "right" answer to this question - it entirely depends on the people. Some people want lifetime monogamy and others don't, and that's fine. Suggesting monogamy is somehow superior to other forms of relationships doesn't make any sense to me - whatever works for the people involved is as good as anything else. The success of a relationship shouldn't be defined by its longevity or whether it's open or closed.

@mswales

There is no "right" answer to this question - it entirely depends on the people. Some people want lifetime monogamy and others don't, and that's fine. Suggesting monogamy is somehow superior to other forms of relationships doesn't make any sense to me - whatever works for the people involved is as good as anything else. The success of a relationship shouldn't be defined by its longevity or whether it's open or closed.

This is a really good point. I know a couple who cite never marrying as the reason behind their 30 year (and counting) successful relationship, and another who say their relationship is good because they have married but swing with other couples, another who are married but the wife sleeps with other women while the husband is monogamous... there are so many ways to have a 'successful' relationship.

I think so often 'marriage + monogamy + kids = successful relationship' in society generally, when all that really defines success in a relationship is that both (or all) parties are happy with it. My parents say now their marriage was perfect - 'started well, ended when it needed to'. It wasn't a failure to them that they moved on when they were no longer in the same place in life - I think that's a really healthy way to look at a relationship.

I really like being single, and enjoy having new romances and dalliances when they come along.

But to make that work I have to be really self sufficient emotionally, financially and practically, and I have good friends and family.

This is so true, it takes a lot of work to live a life filled with NRE (new relationship energy).