To think lifelong monogamy is unrealistic

[fancyaflatwhite]

That's it really. Never cheated and don't plan to. Love DH dearly. But after 18 years the butterflies aren't there any more. Is it terrible to think I'd really miss never having that exciting, knicker-twisting crush/first kiss feeling ever again to the point I'm not sure i can do it?

You have misunderstood me, I don't live a life "full of new relationship energy". I live a life full of my work and hobbies and friendships and voluntary work and family. I have a bit of 'NRE' every now and again when it suits. I wouldn't want a long term monogamous relationship. Like others have said I do feel judged for it as if it's not emotionally mature or grown up or I'm not a proper adult.

I think long term monogamy suits some people but not others. That said, I do believe there is a lot to be said for ‘sowing your wild oats’ when young and having fun, dating multiple partners and taking that time to figure out who and what you like. Guards against FOMO later in life.

I think it's unrealistic for quite a number of people.
A lot of men, in particular, never seem to have taken well to it.

Jennifer2r Who is judging, I didn't mean that in a bad way. I mean some people in long term relationships might say they want the excitement of new relationships (many or just a few) but they seem to want it from the comfort of a 20 year marriage, where they don't have to be self sufficient emotionally, practically or financially. That is unrealistic of course.

I’ve been single more than I’ve been in relationships, but personally I can’t think of anything more terrifying than committing to the same person for the rest of my life. How do I know what kind of person I’ll be in 10, 20, 50 years? I think of the person I was dating 10 years ago and Christ, I’m glad I’m not with them now. The person I’d have become if I was still in that relationship is not someone I’d want to be.

When I have been in relationships, I prefer to be monogamous with that person, so for me it’s not a case of wanting sex or desire or butterflies with someone else - it’s just that I don’t think it’s possible for one person to suit my needs for the rest of my life. I look at the life I’ve built for myself - my career, friends, location, financial stability - and I’ve been able to do that because I’ve been single and putting myself first. I don’t have to factor anyone else into my decision making. I wouldn’t want to remain in a relationship if I felt it had become routine and stale - I’d rather leave and be single again than ‘work on it’ if the spark has gone.

On a wider point though I really do wish society would move on from placing the hetero monogamous nuclear family at the top of the relationship hierarchy pyramid. It’s not a milestone, it’s not inherently superior, it’s not right for everyone. It’s one option of many when it comes to how to live your life. It works for many people but equally I bet there’s many other people in that situation because they didn’t stop to think about whether it was what they really wanted, or what other options were available.

@treesmuggler

I see, in that case yes I totally agree with you. You can't have your cake and eat it, and you can't get the same security from a new relationship as a long standing one. I have to provide that security for myself, in order to be foot loose and fancy free relationship wise. It suits me but it's not for everyone!

I am much preferring the deep contentment of being with my best mate 20 years later, having been through thick and thin together.

Absolutely this. I'm 22 years in and would never for a minute contemplate being anywhere else with anyone else.

[quote Jennifer2r]@treesmuggler

I see, in that case yes I totally agree with you. You can't have your cake and eat it, and you can't get the same security from a new relationship as a long standing one. I have to provide that security for myself, in order to be foot loose and fancy free relationship wise. It suits me but it's not for everyone![/quote]
I relate to this a lot. I’m very proud of the fact that, in the face of some pretty significant mental health issues, I’ve built myself a life of stability with my own home, good job and friends, and I’ve done it all myself. It actually terrifies me to think of that stability being dependent on having a partner and being in a relationship. Even if I do enter a long term relationship at some point I don’t think id want to live together or give up the independence and stability I’ve built up.

It is possible to have personal stability within a reationship.
I am financially and emotionally stable- I don't "need" to be in a relationship- I choose to be.
If my OH ( of 25 years) wasn't here suddenly I would manage quite easily.
But it suits both of us to share lif'e burdens together. I like the fact that I rarely have to clean the kitchen, or shop, or clean the cooker. I never clean out the fridge or empty the dishwasher or take the bins out.
My OH enjoys never having to do his own laundry.
Life is easier as a team.

Life is easier as a team for you

It actually wouldn't be easier for me because I value sexual freedom. Even though I think on mn that's seen as kind of base and grubby.

We all have different priorities.

I personally don’t think it’s unrealistic. I don’t need nor want that feeling again. I had that feeling with my husband and it was wonderful. Now I value where we are. I love having the long term stability and being with my best friend.

All long term romantic relationships go thru stages. If you want this feeling then you will have to perhaps swap partners more often. Because long term I don’t think you will have butterflies daily.

You can re-create that by doing special activities with your husband. Making special memories.

Marriage and monogamy is not for everyone.I don’t feel I need to tell others that being with one person forever is better. It’s better for me personally. But if others want a different relationship model then that’s also ok.

As long as no one is trying to force anyone then it’s fine. I don’t need to convince unmarried people or people in open relationships that they are wrong just like they don’t need to convince me of living like they do.

I do sometimes feel that marriage gets a very bad image because people have looked at it as the only way. This led people who did not really want to be married or just married because it’s “what you do”. Then they realized they married the wrong person and then it’s a nightmare.

It’s not something to take lightly so I understand people not wanting to do it or being hesitant.

I am much preferring the deep contentment of being with my best mate 20 years later, having been through thick and thin together

I agree. I think that deep contentment is far better than the butterflies, which lovely though they are need to lead on to something more meaningful eventually. Others will disagree, and of course everyone is entitled to live life the way they want. I'm no longer married but my ex is still my best friend, and I'm not seeking anyone else. Always looking for the next thrill would not suit me at all - give me contentment any time.

@Jennifer2r

It actually wouldn't be easier for me because I value sexual freedom. Even though I think on mn that's seen as kind of base and grubby.

We all have different priorities.

I agree. For me, I am not looking for butterflies. I'm looking for deep contentment too but we find it in different ways.