To not give baby’s dad the birth certificate?

[swiftt]

I gave birth last week and have just been to register baby today with baby’s dad. We’re not together but are co-parenting as friends - using that term loosely for now. I paid to have the full birth certificate issued at the time of registration. He said straight away that we could the split the certificates so one of us have the abbreviated one and one the full. I said I’d rather keep them together. When we got back to the car, he snapped and said I shouldn’t get to have the final say in everything, he wants something that’s part of her too (it’s a bloody piece of paper?!) and I shouldn’t get to keep them both. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable by wanting to keep them both together and with me, but I can’t see a reason why he would need one apart from to be petty and ensure he has half of it for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable?

this is actually a really complicated situation, and unfortunately only now you're in it are you realising.

If people intentionally set out to platonic co parent then they normally discuss and agree lots of things in advance, and often have legally drawn up arrangements.

But a tiny baby stage is not the time for you to have the rationale conversation.

Send him home, its blurring the boundaries too much, between relationships co parents.

Then ask him to write down how he wants arrangements to work. And you think about you want. Eg you might not want any overnight for a year, and to not leave the baby for more than an hour for the first three months.

This whole situation sounds like a recipe for disaster. Co-parenting is hard enough when you have a shared relationship history (even if there are bad feelings) but when there are absolutely no shared family or relationship memories between the parents it's bound to be a nightmare.

For now I'd just keep as calm as I could. He's not going to be living there permanently. Grit your teeth until he's back in his own place and then fix your boundaries.

One thing to remember is that if he is on the birth certificate, he does have equal legal rights to the child. This means that if he takes the child to his house and refuses to return her there will be nothing you can do about it. Since he seems to have such fixed ideas about being 'equal' I'd suggest you contact a solicitor to formalize residency and child access.

Many, many, many years ago a male friend and I discussed having a child together 'as friends' as both of us wanted a child but neither of us could see a marriage on the near horizon. When discussion got serious we realized how unworkable the situation would be and gave it up. I'm afraid you are going to have a tough row to hoe.

YADNBU

Child’s primary caregiver should have both documents. If he wants to pay the small fee for his own copy then he can crack on. Demanding you hand over yours seems like controlling behaviour.

“Rosesareyellow

It’s not his birth certificate, it’s hers. I see no need for him to have his own copy. If it was needed for something presumably he could take it and then give it back. So no I don’t think YABU.“

You can get as many copies as you want. You don’t have to ‘lend’ it then get it back.
There is absolutely no problem here. He can get some more copies easily. These are not like passports. Legal, usable, copies could be kept by all.

Congratulations on your baby and wishing you a speedy recovery from the C Section.
Unfortunately, You have two children on your hands. I hope his parents are less selfish and petty than he is. Its as if he sees this as an "investment" and wants to make sure of an "equal" return on his time. He doesn't seem to understand that supporting a newborn's mother is a benefit to the newborn. Its not a competition for "shares" in the child and you shouldn't have to give up bonding cuddles to stop him feeling jealous. Do you have other family or friends to support you or who can be there for that photo shoot?

I’d be worried that he wants it to apply for child benefit before you can?

But no, he could have paid for his own.

Why wouldn't you give him a copy and order yourself an additional if you need it? You do sound like you are being petty. He is the baby's dad after all

@whatthejiggeries

Why wouldn't you give him a copy and order yourself an additional if you need it? You do sound like you are being petty. He is the baby's dad after all

She’s already bought herself one. Why, when she’s just a couple of weeks postpartum, would she take on the role of his unpaid personal assistant?

@whatthejiggeries

Why wouldn't you give him a copy and order yourself an additional if you need it? You do sound like you are being petty. He is the baby's dad after all

He can pay for his own damn copy! She's already paid for one

why didn't you buy two copies when you were there?

And what financial arrangements have you made? Birth certificate purchase is clearly a baby cost, so what have you put in place to pay for baby stuff

@QueenBee52 we double barrelled our surnames.

@Dishwashersaurous he only said he wanted one of them after I’d paid for the full one. He could have said at the time that he’d pay for another one but didn’t.

It sounds so silly but he’s just said he’s going to stay at his place tonight, and even though I do want the space and I’ll be fine, I just burst into tears. I’m weirdly nervous about being on my own with her, but I think it’s mostly hormones and when it comes down to it I’ll be totally fine. I’m not reliant on him at all but it’s a daunting thought that it will just be me and this tiny little human here. That’s probably why I’ve been putting up with some stuff that I wouldn’t usually have. And I do have lots of other support in family and friends. My mum could have stayed with me for these couple of weeks but I let him stay so he could have time with the baby.

Someone asked why I’ve posted on here about two really trivial things. I get that they’re minor but my hormones are out of whack, I have no idea if I’m being just hormonal or not most of the time. I feel a bit overwhelmed and it’s difficult to communicate that to even my closest friends and family at the moment, so sometimes the perspective of strangers is really helpful.

@Dishwashersaurous

why didn't you buy two copies when you were there?

To repeat a previous poster - what on earth makes her this bloke's PA when she's days after having a C section?!

If he wanted to buy one, he could have done. He was right there.

[quote swiftt]@QueenBee52 we double barrelled our surnames.

@Dishwashersaurous he only said he wanted one of them after I’d paid for the full one. He could have said at the time that he’d pay for another one but didn’t.

It sounds so silly but he’s just said he’s going to stay at his place tonight, and even though I do want the space and I’ll be fine, I just burst into tears. I’m weirdly nervous about being on my own with her, but I think it’s mostly hormones and when it comes down to it I’ll be totally fine. I’m not reliant on him at all but it’s a daunting thought that it will just be me and this tiny little human here. That’s probably why I’ve been putting up with some stuff that I wouldn’t usually have. And I do have lots of other support in family and friends. My mum could have stayed with me for these couple of weeks but I let him stay so he could have time with the baby.

Someone asked why I’ve posted on here about two really trivial things. I get that they’re minor but my hormones are out of whack, I have no idea if I’m being just hormonal or not most of the time. I feel a bit overwhelmed and it’s difficult to communicate that to even my closest friends and family at the moment, so sometimes the perspective of strangers is really helpful.[/quote]
You'll be fine, really you will.

And they're not trivial things. They could be trivial, but at the moment they are not, because it's suddenly become an issue you hadn't anticipated.

I so much relate to the stage where you feel overwhelmed and terrified, btw! But it'll feel great in the morning when you'll know you can do it on your own. That's good to know, whatever else happens with co-parenting.

you are not together, you need to disentagle yourself from this man. He is not interested in you he is just around for the baby. As he doesnt have any alliances with you he wont care, he will bang on about injustice. Have you no family of your own you can rely on and seek support? I think you need to be careful to over rely on a man who was never your long term partner and his parents as both there sole interest is your baby and not you.

@SarahAndQuack thank you, I appreciate that. I think I’ll be okay after he leaves tonight, it’s just the thought of it at the moment.

i hope you gave the baby your surname...

Op, it sounds like you had a difficult birth, you need support from someone who is prepared to put your needs before theirs until you have healed and feel more on top of things. That is the best thing for the baby.

You might be better off asking your mum to help you and the dad coming over to spend time with the baby a few times a week until things have settled down.

“whatthejiggeries

Why wouldn't you give him a copy and order yourself an additional if you need it? You do sound like you are being petty. He is the baby's dad after all“

The baby’s dad has normal human agency I
presume? He can order a copy. He could have got one in the first place.

The OP is the exhausted one who has just had abdominal surgery and be up night after night feeding the baby. She personally paid for her own certificates.

He really doesn’t sound like a good person to have around, you’re the mum, you’re all the baby he’s known for the last 9 months, you’re the natural choice to be the main carer of course you keep the birth certificates.

If I were you I’d start preparing to go it alone, he’ll just be a Disney dad.

The first time you are left alone it can be very daunting but you've got this. Just do what you need to to get through the days and you can work on discussing coparenting when your hormones are a bit more settled. Good luck, sending positive vibes your way

If he has any ulterior motives, it's easy enough to order anybodys birth certificate online if he wants to.
Give him the short version. You'd need the full one to do most things anyway.

@SeasonFinale

you definitely keep both. There are times when you need to send the original somewhere and at least if it goes missing you will have one. I always send the short form one to authorities needing the original.

Do agencies accept the short form? I've always had to send the longer one, but I have two copies anyway!

I'll admit that the first night 'without backup' can seem daunting, but honestly I think you'll find the lack of the tension he seems to be causing you might more than make up for that!

Try to relax and 'go with the flow'. It's just you and your precious baby sharing a special time together. Snuggle down together and just get to know each other.

Yabu why do you need 2? Let him have the short one.