To not give baby’s dad the birth certificate?

[swiftt]

I gave birth last week and have just been to register baby today with baby’s dad. We’re not together but are co-parenting as friends - using that term loosely for now. I paid to have the full birth certificate issued at the time of registration. He said straight away that we could the split the certificates so one of us have the abbreviated one and one the full. I said I’d rather keep them together. When we got back to the car, he snapped and said I shouldn’t get to have the final say in everything, he wants something that’s part of her too (it’s a bloody piece of paper?!) and I shouldn’t get to keep them both. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable by wanting to keep them both together and with me, but I can’t see a reason why he would need one apart from to be petty and ensure he has half of it for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable?

Keep them both as sometimes it’s handy to have the shorter one. They are your daughters birth certificates not her dads so should live where she does.
As others have said he can order and pay for a second copy if he likes

@swiftt if you want the child benefit in your name I'd get that sorted now you have the certificate.

@IDontReadEyebrows this is the thing, as much as I want to keep the peace I don’t want to feel obliged to do anything just to satisfy what he wants. I’m trying so hard to make him feel included but I just feel like I don’t get anything back, and he automatically assumes I’m trying to ‘get my own way’. But if I do whatever he wants every time, then surely that’s just him getting his own way? I don’t want to go down the road of playing daft mind games like that either.

Sorry, this has turned into a total drip feed. Been holding this in! 🙈

I think I’m right in thinking that he doesn’t live with you, he’s just staying with you to help ?
If so it might be time to start reducing the time he spends at yours, you might need to start putting your foot down.

Take a photo of the birth certificate, or even both of them if you are feeling generous. Send on to him.

Job done.

Yes, sounds like there’s lots more to it.

Can you ask him to go home for 48 hours or so if tensions are running high? Just get him out of your place and see how you feel once he’s gone? It shouldn’t be this much conflict.

@PurpleyBlue he’s staying for 2 weeks so should be going home probably after the weekend. He cooked dinner one night, emptied the bins, picks things up from the shop and has done some washing for us. He also gets up a bit earlier before work and watches her whilst I get a shower, and lets me go to bed a couple of hours early whilst he stays up with her to make sure I get some sleep. He is helping, and I’m a bit nervous about him not being here.

@Hopdathelf

Hardly in the spirit of co-operative co-parenting to keep both. Unless you’re afraid of something why can’t you just give him one.

Or, it hardly bodes well if he can't even pay for his own copy and chooses to emotionally blackmail you instead.

@RickiTarr I was thinking about asking him to go home for a bit but we have his parents visiting tomorrow and a photo shoot on Sunday so I think he’ll be here til then. It’s been an intense situation too I think, which doesn’t help. We’ve gone from both living alone to living together with a newborn and me recovering from a c-section so it’s been a lot. I just hope it gets better as things settle. Maybe once he’s back at his place it will be a bit better. But communication is a major issue.

It sounds to me as if he's concerned about things being "equal" or "fair" and not concerned about what's best for your baby.

What is best for your baby is the most important thing. Yes that means having a relationship with their Dad but not at any cost. Your baby also needs their mum to be safe, well and happy. If you need more support than he is offering, please go and find it elsewhere, for yours and your baby's sake. It's a really hard time adapting to a new baby, and you need all the emotional and practical support you can get.

Dad could still build a bond with your baby by visiting regularly if you lived elsewhere with the support you need.

Btw I found expressing a total faff and hated it, the worst of both worlds. Some people find it works for them, but only do it if it works for you and your baby.

Maybe Monday is the day to reclaim some space then?

C-section recovery can be so tricky so if there's only him to help and he is helping and you don't think you'd be better off without him there I get why you don't want to ask him to leave. Could you maybe he suggests he takes baby out for a walk? Or are you not ready for that.

Have you got plans for when he has moved out? Eg is he going to come round every evening to help?

And please don't let him pressure you to express. It's your body.

My thought is you bought it so its yours, he can buy his own if he wants one.

You paid for yours, so he should be for his.
Make sure maintenance is straight forward.

I think he’s feeling a bit left out

How old is he? Old enough to understand that a baby is not a toy to be shared between children but a living creature with its own needs?

A breast fed newborn is going to need its mother most in the early weeks. That will change as the baby settles into more predictable patterns. Getting pissy about it on grounds of "shares" or not wanting to share the crap bits suggests he is a very immature father who sees the baby as a possession rather than having its own needs.

Common sense for him to have a copy of the BC, no reason why he can't order one and pay for it like you did.

Just get two more copies of each. It is easy and doesn’t cost much.

This doesn’t bode well.

Oh and on the subject of expressing - tell him not to hold his breath. I successfully fed all mine and never could express a drop. It was a pain in the tit (literally!) but I've heard of other women experiencing this.

I liked the long version for to keep and used the short one whenever I needed to send it anywhere or evidence for stuff like nursery and school, so I'd just tell him that. No reason he can't get one himself.

Absolutely this. YABVU.

You’re equal parents - you don’t get to have more, you’re not more important nor do you take precedence just because you’re the mum.

She's taking precedence because she's the one who paid.

Him wanting the BC despite her having bought it in fact shows that he thinks he's more important, while her purchasing something and keeping it shows no such thing. He ought, as a parent, to have a copy, and he ought to buy it himself.

So you haven't separated if you are still involved with his parents
It really sounds like you need to be away from him, out of interest why did you encourage him to become so involved. I know he's the father, but he isn't your partner anymore.

He can pay for a copy.

As you may know, it is not recommended to express before baby is six weeks old (because it will mess up your supply, and there is also a risk of nipple confusion for the baby). Don't get railroaded into doing something that not only has no benefits but is actually actively harmful for you/baby in order to give him what he wants. He's a parent now, he needs to learn to put his child's best interests before his own wants.

Anyway, there is absolutely no need for him to feed the baby to bond with it. He can do Literally Any Other Activity with the baby to help form a bond - carrying in a sling, bathing (I know you're not supposed to actually bath them very often yet but he can do the top and tailing), winding, taking for short walks, singing to...

What a douche for asking you to do half the nappies while he's at home - and especially for making you do some so soon after your delivery My husband did ALL the nappies and top & tailing during his paternity leave, when he went back to work I had to ask him to show me what to do Then when he was back at work he continued to do all the nappies that he was at home for and he still baths our son every night now (he's nearly four). Isn't he helping with the nappies at night? You're doing the feeding so seems only fair. Why should you shoulder ALL the sleep deprivation when baby has two parents? My DH did all the night nappies and he's got a very demanding and responsible job (think surgeon), but I was looking after a baby all day which meant I also literally had another person's life in my hands.

Do you two have any other friends with babies or children? It sounds like he has a fantasy idea of what "having a baby" entails and isn't really prepared for the bits that are hard graft (spoiler alert: there are lots of these!).

@princesslarmadrama

Pay £11 and he can have his own copy.

This