To not give baby’s dad the birth certificate?

[swiftt]

I gave birth last week and have just been to register baby today with baby’s dad. We’re not together but are co-parenting as friends - using that term loosely for now. I paid to have the full birth certificate issued at the time of registration. He said straight away that we could the split the certificates so one of us have the abbreviated one and one the full. I said I’d rather keep them together. When we got back to the car, he snapped and said I shouldn’t get to have the final say in everything, he wants something that’s part of her too (it’s a bloody piece of paper?!) and I shouldn’t get to keep them both. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable by wanting to keep them both together and with me, but I can’t see a reason why he would need one apart from to be petty and ensure he has half of it for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable?

[quote swiftt]@SarahAndQuack he just keeps asking when I’m going to start expressing. We had an argument about nappy changes a couple of nights after she was born. He decided to tell me it was ‘my turn’ to change her. Think I posted on here about it actually. 🙈 I had a pretty long, exhausting labour that ended in an emergency c-section and I was really struggling with pain and mobility the first few days. He said he thought I was trying to ‘get out of’ doing nappy changes, and that we should be doing them 50/50. He’s back at work and I do the nights so I was already doing more than 50/50, but he expected us to ‘take turns’ in the evening when he was home from work. I did explain to him at the time that I was doing 100% of the feeding, the night feeds and changes when he wasn’t there anyway, and that he should use it as a way of bonding with baby. This is why I think the birth certificate thing was just a knee jerk reaction to try and be petty and i can’t understand why. It’s like he has a chip on his shoulder about me being the primary caregiver. I’m doing as much as I can to try snd make him feel included. I give her to him as soon as she’s fed so he can burp her and cuddle her. I don’t bother him during the night to help with anything, I’ve been making us bloody tea at night even though that’s what he said he’d be helping with when he was here. I even felt guilty about feeding her for those first few days and would give up time that I wanted to just cuddle her when she wasn’t tearing my nipples off just so that he could have her instead. I can’t understand why he thinks I’m trying to always ‘get my own way’. And I’ve tried to talk to him about it a few times now and I just can’t get anywhere. We’re only on day 9…[/quote]
This sounds awful, I am so sorry.

Why the blazes does he want you to express? That is very weird, the idea of hoping you'll squeeze milk laboriously into a bottle so that he can do the exact thing your boobs are perfectly well designed to do without the intermediary.

And he could make you the tea, too.

There's no bonding that's going to happen better if you express than if you don't, honest.

I'm sorry that you are having this experience. As someone who has recently established EBF following a long labour and an emergency c-section I know how hard that is. My partner did everything as BFing is a full time job with overtime. He has returned to work but yours has been 24/7 since baby arrived! YANBU to expect him to do more, and if he can't step up and is adding more stress than support (which only you can weigh up from your experiences with him) then you could ask for more space.
I expressed from day 5, it worked for me but it is a faff and it is really up to you whether it is something you would like to do, especially as it can have implications for you BFing (eg some babies may get nipple confusion, it may cause oversupply that makes you more prone to mastitis etc).

How did this come about, as in you and he wanting to co-parent? I ask because he seems to have a strange idea of what his role should be i.e. an exact split of feeding and nappies in the interest of "fairness". Does he not have any friends who are dads? Is his family whispering in his ear about making it "fair"?

Do you two have any other friends with babies or children? It sounds like he has a fantasy idea of what "having a baby" entails and isn't really prepared for the bits that are hard graft (spoiler alert: there are lots of these!).

I also agree with this.

I think he's got this idea that the moment you bond with a baby is while you feed the baby, and the baby gazes at you with lovely newborn eyes.

In reality it's just feeding a baby. Very nice, but not magic.

Also, it might be worth pointing out to him that in a few weeks, the baby may well settle better with him as you'll smell like milk and he won't, so he may find the baby snuggles up with him more as time goes on.

[quote swiftt]@IDontReadEyebrows this is the thing, as much as I want to keep the peace I don’t want to feel obliged to do anything just to satisfy what he wants. I’m trying so hard to make him feel included but I just feel like I don’t get anything back, and he automatically assumes I’m trying to ‘get my own way’. But if I do whatever he wants every time, then surely that’s just him getting his own way? I don’t want to go down the road of playing daft mind games like that either.[/quote]
You desperately need to set out some boundaries- you’re only on day 9 of your child’s life, you’ve had major surgery after an exhausting labour exactly 9 days ago and he’s starting pointless arguments about who’s turn it is to change nappies and who gets to store the baby’s birth certificate in who’s drawer. Fwiw I think you need the bc to claim child benefit (which you should receive, at least while the baby is young and lives with you) and possibly to register her with the doctor. So no, he can’t have the bc as you actually need it for important stuff.

Best of luck dealing with this man child other the next 18+ years, whatever you decide to do going forward.

“MintJulia
He could use it to apply for child benefit or a passport. Think of it as her security until you are sure of his motives.”

That’s not how it works. Birth certificates are public records that anyone can apply for. He He could use it to apply for child benefit or a passport. Think of it as her security until you are sure of his motives. can do it easily on-line. So there is nothing stopping him from getting one.

If the OP and he registered together, with him on the birth certificate, then he will have Parental Responsibility with her. He can apply for a passport for the baby.

If she did not, he would not have PR and would not be able to get a passport etc whether or not he has a copy of the birth certificate.

@gillysSong just to clarify - we were never together so he isn’t an ex partner. He wants to be involved. His parents are excited to spend time with their first grandchild, hence why I’m ‘involved’ with them. The pregnancy was a surprise but he was supportive from the get go and we were supposed to be doing this as friends and co-parents. I actually thought it would be easier as we wouldn’t have the potential ill feelings or bitterness of being exes, but it’s proving difficult so far!

If you’ve got two just give him one for goodness sake. Issue resolved.

Order a copy of a birth, death or marriage certificate - GOV.UK

www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

We paid for a couple of copies when we registered each child. Ita not a big deal

Why wouldn't you give him the abbreviated one? He is the childs dad. Any parent would like a copy of childs birth certificate. Handy for opening bank accounts for the hild

said I shouldn’t get to have the final say in everything, he wants something that’s part of her too (it’s a bloody piece of paper?!) and I shouldn’t get to keep them both.

It's clearly not about the certificate itself.

Honestly I don't think, judging by previous posts, that you have known each other long enough to be battling through sleepless nights and raising a newborn together. It was hard for us after 15 years as a couple.

I think it'll be easier when you have a bit of space for yourself.

Both certs belong to the baby. They should stay with the parent most likely to be doing the paperwork -apply for child benefit, child passport, school place, etc, etc. which if you are the primary care giver would be you I guess.

"I’ve tried to talk to him but he just shuts down conversation."
I'd call that sulking because you're not being a doormat.

I've only read your post OP. He sounds to me as if he doesn't really want to bond with his child, but he does want to mark his territory. The fact that he thinks he can demand it is your turn to change the nappy, instead of considering that you had an emergency c-section - MAJOR abdominal surgery - and that you would do well to rest, well - that says it all to me. And pushing you to express rather than breastfeed is beyond the pale, because again, he wants you to do that for his benefit, not for yours or the baby's.

Be wary of his parents' visit - you're going to be in a three-against-one scenario. You say they are excited, again that jars a bit, generally parents aren't thrilled when (to be all tabloid about it) their son gets a not-even-a-girlfriend pregnant. I'd wonder if they've pushed him to be involved because they want it. Agree to nothing that is pushed at you by any of them, until you've had time on your own to reflect.

This argument and the one about nappies both seem very trivial to me. I think your expectations are too high. It's completely normal for there to be minor disagreements in the early weeks when both partners are tired and emotional and adjusting to the new reality. Most people don't go on Mumsnet about every little thing though.
I think take a long term view about how you want your relationship to work over the coming months and years. Think about how you can achieve this. You can't change someone's behaviour by nagging them to change more nappies. My partner doesn't change all the nappies either. (He probably does less than 25%). It really doesn't matter. It sounds like he is helpful overall. So that is good. If I were you I'd be trying to get him involved by getting him to settle the baby after a feed. Let him make some of the decisions. Feeding will be up to you but let him have input in other areas. It sounds a bit like you think co-parenting is going to mean that you tell him what to do. That might work in a relationship but it's not going to work for two people who have no commitment to one another.

Is he trying to convince you that you'll struggle without him there or do you genuinely feel that you will?

It can feel daunting, but sometimes easier when you're on your own & you do things to suit yourself & baby without considering others.

You might find it a lot easier without wondering what he might say/do/react to!

FFS. You have two birth certificates. He has none. He can do bugger all with the shortened one anyway. Just let him have it.

I don't have two for my youngest daughter though, as I was told they stopped doing the shortened ones (because you could only apply for child benefit with them, nothing else).

OP, you will look back on this time and think 'WTF?' Because you've just gave birth your really vulnerable/tired/hormonal and will end up taking shit that prepregnancy you wouldn't have.

He sounds like an utter prick living in your house telling you its your turn to change the baby when you've just had major abdominal surgery and are exhausted. I'm wondering how this visit is going to pan out with his parents.

Tell him to move out. Fathers do have to take a back seat in the early days.

The person who will be using it to apply for child benefit, passports, nursery etc needs to keep them.

I presume that will be you? If so then keep them and tell him if he wants one he can buy himself one.

If he wants.a copy he can order one. You paid for full certificate so it belongs to you. A birth certificate can be used to apply for child benefit and a passport. I suggest you apply for both quickly. No need to tell him just keep passport safe for DC in case you need it to take DC on holiday.

He could have bought another copy there and then. I think I got about 5 as I had to send some off and didn’t want to be without one. It’s still possible to but another copy, he can sort that himself.

It’s not his birth certificate, it’s hers. I see no need for him to have his own copy. If it was needed for something presumably he could take it and then give it back. So no I don’t think YABU.

Did you give the Baby HIS Surname OP... I couldn't see your response 🌸

He sounds like a total fucking prick. I’d tell him to fuck off and if he can grow up and appreciate what birth entails, then he might be welcome back on Saturday with his parents. But he needs to pack in his juvenile jealousy and pushiness over feeding. He gets a big, fat NO input on how you feed your own baby. If he doesn’t like it, he can take you to court to get access. Frankly I wouldn’t bother trying to keep this civil, he’s already got you trying to ‘keep the peace’ do what he wants.

you definitely keep both. There are times when you need to send the original somewhere and at least if it goes missing you will have one. I always send the short form one to authorities needing the original.