To not give baby’s dad the birth certificate?

[swiftt]

I gave birth last week and have just been to register baby today with baby’s dad. We’re not together but are co-parenting as friends - using that term loosely for now. I paid to have the full birth certificate issued at the time of registration. He said straight away that we could the split the certificates so one of us have the abbreviated one and one the full. I said I’d rather keep them together. When we got back to the car, he snapped and said I shouldn’t get to have the final say in everything, he wants something that’s part of her too (it’s a bloody piece of paper?!) and I shouldn’t get to keep them both. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable by wanting to keep them both together and with me, but I can’t see a reason why he would need one apart from to be petty and ensure he has half of it for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable?

They don't do short birth certificates anymore, only full ones.

If he really wants one he can order it and pay for it himself.

You will need it for registering your child at GP etc, tasks which which I imagine most likely will fall to you to complete. He can very inexpensively purchase copies. YANBU. Also agree with @SarahAndQuack, this is probably a manifestation of other deeper issues and concerns about co parenting and his role in your child's life, which is worth exploring.

I am also surprised to hear about the short BC because I wasn’t aware that they were issued any longer.

I think you need to gently remind him that birth certificates aren’t that special and the ones you have now are no different from the ones you’ll be getting in the future when you need them, but they do cost money and you are going to need more than one to make admin simpler over coming weeks and if he wants one he can easily get one himself, ypu shouldn’t be out of pocket so he can have paper to stick in his drawer.

I agree you need to pick your battles, but it’s worrying that you are supposed to be co-parenting with you as primary caregiver and he’s already wanting you to be out of pocket and inconvenienced for his emotional jolly.

He should have paid for an extra one. I ended up buying 3 copies because I needed to send them to different places at the same time.

I’ve tried to talk to him but he just shuts down conversation. I said he can order a copy if he wants one for himself but I’ve been told it doesn’t matter now. I’m trying to establish breastfeeding which is another bone of contention and I think he’s feeling a bit left out, as baby obviously needs me a lot at the moment purely for the boob. He isn’t doing much else to bond with her though. So I think in general he’s feeling left out, which I understand and I try and encourage him to spend as much time with her as he can but it’s difficult. I think the whole birth certificate thing has stemmed from this in a weird way, like he’s just trying to equalise things where he can?

We didn’t get a short copy, as they said they’re pretty much useless for most things like bank accounts, passports etc.

I’d just have got two full ones and had one each. You then don’t need to bother the other if you want to open a savings account for the baby etc.

How much co-parenting is he going to be doing?

You can’t coparent with someone you don’t even trust with a birth certificate.

“Keeping them together” (the two versions) isn’t really a thing. You never use them together. However if you wanted to do that, why didn’t you get extra while you were there? Or is that another COVID restriction?

Just one of you go online now and order extra copies. Consider it your first coparenting test.

@Marmite27 that didn’t seem to be an option. They said we would get an abbreviated one free, and had to pay for a full one if we wanted one, which I chose to pay for.

@swiftt

I’ve tried to talk to him but he just shuts down conversation. I said he can order a copy if he wants one for himself but I’ve been told it doesn’t matter now. I’m trying to establish breastfeeding which is another bone of contention and I think he’s feeling a bit left out, as baby obviously needs me a lot at the moment purely for the boob. He isn’t doing much else to bond with her though. So I think in general he’s feeling left out, which I understand and I try and encourage him to spend as much time with her as he can but it’s difficult. I think the whole birth certificate thing has stemmed from this in a weird way, like he’s just trying to equalise things where he can?

Well, that's very weird of him to shut down conversation. Not nice.

Also really shit that he's not being supportive of you establishing feeding. Can he not bond by looking after you? Or doing some nappy changes or something?

It is weird at this stage if you're not the one who gave birth, and you want to be involved but there's really quite a limited amount you can do while the other parent is constantly busy trying to get the baby to feed, but it's not a stage that last terribly long!

@RickiTarr I’ve told him he can order a copy if he would like one. He says it doesn’t matter and won’t engage in conversation any further. I totally agree it’s not a great start to co-parenting.

@swiftt

I’ve tried to talk to him but he just shuts down conversation. I said he can order a copy if he wants one for himself but I’ve been told it doesn’t matter now. I’m trying to establish breastfeeding which is another bone of contention and I think he’s feeling a bit left out, as baby obviously needs me a lot at the moment purely for the boob. He isn’t doing much else to bond with her though. So I think in general he’s feeling left out, which I understand and I try and encourage him to spend as much time with her as he can but it’s difficult. I think the whole birth certificate thing has stemmed from this in a weird way, like he’s just trying to equalise things where he can?

TBF, two equal coparents are each going to need a BC. It’s basic parenting documentation. For him not to get a copy is fairly unnecessary administrative edging out. But maybe you have a gut feeling about something?

Maybe you’re not in the right place ATM to articulate your concern, if you have one, but can you remember if you fully trusted him before the birth?

You are the same op who was arguing with him a few days ago over changing nappies, doesn’t sound like co parenting is working as well as you hope as you’ve only give birth last week and have already made two posts complaining about him

It’s your babies birth certificate, not yours or his. What could he possibly want with it?

[quote swiftt]@RickiTarr I’ve told him he can order a copy if he would like one. He says it doesn’t matter and won’t engage in conversation any further. I totally agree it’s not a great start to co-parenting.[/quote]
Honestly? I think wanting to keep the short form certificate with the long one is some standard but wacky hormonal shit. We’ve all been there. (Is this your first child?) Equally, I think the certificate is immensely symbolic to him of whether he has a legitimate role.

If you can both be kinder to each other it will help. (However if you have genuine unease about him, that’s different.)

I’d tell him he’s welcome to buy his own copy. It might not be a massive deal as it’s “just a piece of paper” but I don’t like to be bullied and his behaviour is very bullying. I saw your other thread the other day. Best of luck with co-parenting but I think it’s going to be anything but plain sailing, much of it due to his terrible attitude.

It doesn't sound like a good start.

@SarahAndQuack he just keeps asking when I’m going to start expressing. We had an argument about nappy changes a couple of nights after she was born. He decided to tell me it was ‘my turn’ to change her. Think I posted on here about it actually. 🙈 I had a pretty long, exhausting labour that ended in an emergency c-section and I was really struggling with pain and mobility the first few days. He said he thought I was trying to ‘get out of’ doing nappy changes, and that we should be doing them 50/50. He’s back at work and I do the nights so I was already doing more than 50/50, but he expected us to ‘take turns’ in the evening when he was home from work. I did explain to him at the time that I was doing 100% of the feeding, the night feeds and changes when he wasn’t there anyway, and that he should use it as a way of bonding with baby. This is why I think the birth certificate thing was just a knee jerk reaction to try and be petty and i can’t understand why. It’s like he has a chip on his shoulder about me being the primary caregiver. I’m doing as much as I can to try snd make him feel included. I give her to him as soon as she’s fed so he can burp her and cuddle her. I don’t bother him during the night to help with anything, I’ve been making us bloody tea at night even though that’s what he said he’d be helping with when he was here. I even felt guilty about feeding her for those first few days and would give up time that I wanted to just cuddle her when she wasn’t tearing my nipples off just so that he could have her instead. I can’t understand why he thinks I’m trying to always ‘get my own way’. And I’ve tried to talk to him about it a few times now and I just can’t get anywhere. We’re only on day 9…

It's not like the one you have is the 'proper one' his will look identical just maybe with a different number on it if it's anything like wedding certificates. They are just certificates of the official entry. If his name is on it he has parental responsibility either way. But if you paid for them and you plan on keeping finances split I wouldn't give in now it's a slippery slope.

Did you give baby dad’s surname ?

@LoopTheLoops yep, that’s me. Things aren’t getting any better.

He says it doesn’t matter and won’t engage in conversation any further

If he says don't worry about it, I'd take him at face value and forget about it, OP.

Is he refusing to speak to you generally, or just about this issue? If he's throwing a tantrum, then definitely don't engage as you're setting the tone and boundaries for the rest of your co-parenting relationship now.

Is he helping you OP or are you finding it more difficult with him there? Can he move out?

@Thevoiceofreason2021

It’s your babies birth certificate, not yours or his. What could he possibly want with it?

For all the reasons any parent needs a BC. Bank accounts etc.