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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who was responsible- me,dp or ds?

130 replies

Ilovesleeeeep · 25/06/2021 12:35

This is a complete non issue but my DP made such a massive fuss about it that I want to see if I was being unreasonable.

DP went for a shower about 20 mins before ds was due for his so he put the emertion on, as he went off he said to me I've put the emertion on so there's enough hot water, i was half listening and that was that. Next day I'm washing my hands and the water is scolding so I know the emertion is on, i ask DP if he turned it off (genuinely just asking not accusing!) and he went off at me, being quite nasty!
First he said it was DS's responsibility to turn it off as he showered last, then when I pointed out DS didn't even know it was on so how on earth could it be his fault he turned on me and said as I knew he'd turned it on it was my responsibility to have turned it off, completely adamant it was nothing to do with him.

I literally expected him to say oh yeah I forgot to turn it off and that be the end of it! The switch is in the airing cupboard so not in plain sight, if I see it on when it doesn't need to be I turn it off but I don't go round checking it unless I'd put it on.

So should me, dp or ds have turned it off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovesleeeeep · 25/06/2021 18:12

Just to clarify he didn't leave the house when I said he went off I mean he went off to have his shower.

OP posts:
IAmAWomanNotACis · 25/06/2021 19:14

@Ilovesleeeeep

Just to clarify he didn't leave the house when I said he went off I mean he went off to have his shower.
which is what normal people understood it to be

DH - "I'm off to the supermarket"
Me - "I've just used the last of the onions"
DH - "Oh have you? OK, bye then - see you later"

DH goes to supermarket.
Next day

DH "Why are there no onions?"
Me - "I told you there were no onions before you went to do the shop!"
DH - "Oh did you? I was only half listening to you. Anyway, you used the last onion, you should have been the one to go and buy onions"

Because that is the equivalent.

Most couples don't give each other formal instructions for everything! They work together as a team!

A more accurate equivalent to the OP's scenario would be like that, except that the DH is sitting on the sofa reading a book and no supermarket has been mentioned at all.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 25/06/2021 19:15

Bold failure

billy1966 · 25/06/2021 19:34

@IAmAWomanNotACis

Why are so many posters saying it's OP's responsibility?!

Your H owes you an apology for being such a nasty bastard and for taking zero responsibility himself. Do you have to wipe his botty for him too?

This. The person who turned it on is ALWAYS responsible UNLESS the specifically ask someone else to do it.

He owes you an apology, a sincere one.

Do not accept this.

LannieDuck · 25/06/2021 20:02

Of course it was his responsibility - he turns it on, he's responsible for turning it off again. Mentioning it to you in passing doesn't change that.

He knows it was his fault, he's just trying to duck the blame.

mrsm43s · 25/06/2021 20:47

If he didn't leave the house it remained his responsibility, as I have always maintained.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 21:02

@mrsm43s

Seriously *@ChargingBuck*, if your partner said to you before going out "there's washing on the line", you leave it out in the rain, because you weren't explicitly told that it needed to be taken in when it rains? If your partner said "there's a pie in the oven", you'd just leave it to burn, because they didn't explicitly tell you to take it out? If they left the house for the night and said "dog hasn't been walked", you'd leave the poor dog unwalked because they didn't explicitly tell you to walk the dog, if they left the house and said "I switched the immersion on for DS's shower", you'd leave it running for ever more, because they didn't explicitly ask you to switch it off. Why on earth not? It's very obviously implied! Adults shouldn't need to be spoonfed!
No, & that is immaterial, because you are using non-comparable scenarios, not direct analogies.

The DH put the water on. He left the house, then returned.
Only the next day did OP find out (via a scalded hand) that he hadn't switched it off himself.

As he didn't specify that he wasn't going to switch it off - even though he was in the house to do so, & didn't ask the OP to do it for him - & as there was no wet washing/burnt food/unwalked dog scenario, why would she have been prompted to check, when she has another perfectly functional adult in the house who presumably knows he has not switched the damn immersion off, your comparisons don't make sense.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 21:05

Adults shouldn't need to be spoonfed!

Apart from the DH in your imagined scenario, whose wife should deduce that he wanted her to perform necessary tasks just because he mentions them, & then put up with his blame & anger when she scalds her hand due to his poor communication & unstated expectations.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 21:10

ooops, I misinterpreted that DH had left the house then returned - rather than only left to have his shower, but stayed at home.

So he's even more of a grumpy git then.

If he happens to mention "I'm hungry", does he then get angry at OP for not telepathically realising he meant he knows where the kitchen & food is, is perfectly capable of cooking, but he actually meant she should rustle up a meal for him, because he's not going to be arsed to?

butterpuffed · 26/06/2021 01:21

@Embracelife

Put a kitchen timer next to it. When switched on set the alarm on the timer
That's all well and good but who would be responsible for fetching the timer and who would remove it and put it back in its rightful place after it was used. OP, DH or DS ? 🤔
Lunettesloupes · 26/06/2021 04:54

Give the man a medal for putting the immersion on in the first place. What a hero - he shouldn’t be expected to also turn it off when he has important man jobs on his mind.

KatherineJaneway · 26/06/2021 05:00

If your partner said "there's a pie in the oven", you'd just leave it to burn, because they didn't explicitly tell you to take it out?

I didn't put it in the oven so I wouldn't expect to be the person taking it out of the oven unless explicitly asked.

HeronLanyon · 26/06/2021 05:11

‘I’m going out. The immersion is on as x is having a shower. See you later’. Op has some responsibility. In fact quite a bit !

Backhills · 26/06/2021 07:00

Why would you ask him if he'd turned it off, knowing full well he hadn't? That seems like picking a fight to me. So, on the face of it, his reaction was OTT, but it entirely depends how/why you asked.

Get a timer on the immersion heater.

SpunBodgeSquarepants · 26/06/2021 07:03

I don't fully close the cupboard door after switching the immersion on, so next time I walk past the cupboard slightly ajar I go, 'Fuck, immersion'.

3Britnee · 26/06/2021 07:35

@HeronLanyon

‘I’m going out. The immersion is on as x is having a shower. See you later’. Op has some responsibility. In fact quite a bit !
That's not what happened though, is it.
HeronLanyon · 26/06/2021 08:18

Oh britnee and op. Apols. Forgot the ins and outs and didn’t check first post. Ignore.

phoenixrosehere · 26/06/2021 09:05

YANBU

He turned it on so should have checked to make sure it was off and if he wanted DS to turn it off, he should have told him, not expected you to when it has nothing to do with you. If you not DS bother with it, he shouldn’t be expecting you to remember whether he’s turned it on or not.

He was lazy and became huffy over something he could have easily apologised for and/or said oops. It was no big thing and he made it into one. Is he like this with other things, trying to pass off his responsibility to you or assume you should take care of it?

Killahangilion · 26/06/2021 14:38

@mrsm43s

You’d infuriate me with your ridiculous indirect nonsense. 😂

OK then, imagine this conversation.

DH - "I'm off to the supermarket"
Me - "I've just used the last of the onions"
DH - "Oh have you? OK, bye then - see you later"

DH "Why are there no onions?"
ME - "I told you there were no onions before you went to do the shop!"

————————
When one of us goes shopping, we write out a list. I keep a main and mini shopping lists on my phone and update them as needed. DH uses small pieces of paper for his lists.
We reel off the items and ask the other person if there’s anything to be added. Missing items get written on the list.

If I want DH to take responsibility for a particular course of action, I state my request very clearly. He does the same with me.

Being vague and hinting and then getting annoyed and blaming the other person for not joining up your dots, is the definition of passive agressive conversation.

People who do this tend to enjoy acting the superior martyr.

Octopuscake · 26/06/2021 14:40

What's love, but a second hand emertion?

HeronLanyon · 26/06/2021 15:44

octopus. What’s that got to do, got to do with it ?

Freddiefox · 26/06/2021 15:50

Can’t even imagine why it would be anywhere near your fault. He turned it off, he’s a grown up who can turn it off. It’s far to easy to absolve yourself of any responsibly by putting it on you.

Original poster
Ilovesleeeeep · 26/06/2021 19:26

@phoenixrosehere not quite the same but he can be abit like this in other ways so for example he'll be like well I paid for lunch out today so you can give me a back rub later, or if we order a takeaway and he's paid he'll say well you can answer the door even if when the doorbell goes I'm at the other end of the house and he's infront of the door he will insist I come get the door. So I think in his head he thought well I turned it on so she can turn it off because it's not my responsibility. He's very much well I did this so I deserve something for it. Wonder what I deserve after the endless cleaning/washing/cooking etc I do without expecting or getting anything in return!

Just didn't expect the aggression over a bloody immersion switch!

OP posts:
MyShoelaceIsUndone · 26/06/2021 20:21

Why does it matter ? Couldn’t you have just turn it off without asking about it?

3Britnee · 26/06/2021 21:09

[quote Ilovesleeeeep]@phoenixrosehere not quite the same but he can be abit like this in other ways so for example he'll be like well I paid for lunch out today so you can give me a back rub later, or if we order a takeaway and he's paid he'll say well you can answer the door even if when the doorbell goes I'm at the other end of the house and he's infront of the door he will insist I come get the door. So I think in his head he thought well I turned it on so she can turn it off because it's not my responsibility. He's very much well I did this so I deserve something for it. Wonder what I deserve after the endless cleaning/washing/cooking etc I do without expecting or getting anything in return!

Just didn't expect the aggression over a bloody immersion switch![/quote]
Why are you with him Confused