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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was responsible- me,dp or ds?

130 replies

Ilovesleeeeep · 25/06/2021 12:35

This is a complete non issue but my DP made such a massive fuss about it that I want to see if I was being unreasonable.

DP went for a shower about 20 mins before ds was due for his so he put the emertion on, as he went off he said to me I've put the emertion on so there's enough hot water, i was half listening and that was that. Next day I'm washing my hands and the water is scolding so I know the emertion is on, i ask DP if he turned it off (genuinely just asking not accusing!) and he went off at me, being quite nasty!
First he said it was DS's responsibility to turn it off as he showered last, then when I pointed out DS didn't even know it was on so how on earth could it be his fault he turned on me and said as I knew he'd turned it on it was my responsibility to have turned it off, completely adamant it was nothing to do with him.

I literally expected him to say oh yeah I forgot to turn it off and that be the end of it! The switch is in the airing cupboard so not in plain sight, if I see it on when it doesn't need to be I turn it off but I don't go round checking it unless I'd put it on.

So should me, dp or ds have turned it off?

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 14:04

Why are so many posters saying it's OP's responsibility?!

I imagine they come from the same depressing stable as those on the "I am not a personal chef" thread, @IAmAWomanNotACis.

You'll soon spot 'em, clamouring for that thread's OP to be even more "accommodating". All despite the fact that the 2 males involved are actively discommoding her, while she absorbs 100% responsibility for meal planning, shopping, cooking, & creating 3 meals out of 2 when either of the males turn up late/not at all/unexpectedly.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/06/2021 14:07

I think your dp is in the wrong for exploding and assigning blame over a non event. Unless he's Irish in which case he may suffer from a national inbuilt ptsd over immersions and really it's not his fault.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 14:08

@Oneofthosedreadfulparents

Echoing *@LateAtTate* - this was nothing to do with you - you didn't turn the immersion on, or benefit from it in any way, but your partner told you that they'd turned it on in order to pass responsibility for the situation over to you and absolve themselves. In his head, once he'd told you, he was free to forget about it - and that is likely why he became so cross - because you didn't pick up the baton in the way he expected. In and of itself, it's a silly little incident, but it's part of a bigger problem - your role in your household, and how others perceive your role compared with the role you're happy to fulfil.
All of this, Dreadful.

This & a couple of other wifework/responsibility threads this week are a bit depressing. Mainly for the internalised sexism from some pp's who seem determined not to recognise obvious behaviour patterns, & just pile more guilt on various OP's instead of seeing the inherent unfairness.

Sorry OP, derailing a bit!
You know your own bloke. Hope he's calmed down enough to see he's been a bit silly over this non-event, & that he's not like this usually.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 14:09

national inbuilt ptsd over immersions

Grin Grin Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/06/2021 14:14

@Ilovesleeeeep - my parents used to have an immersion heater like yours - no thermostat or timer - so we used to put a scarf on the handle of the airing cupboard when the immersion was on - that acted as a visual reminder that it was on.

I hope your hand isn’t too badly scalded.

EnidPrunehat · 25/06/2021 14:15

Any fule kno that the rule is 'you turned it on, you turned it off'. Actually, that's not a rule. It's The Law.

irishoak · 25/06/2021 14:23

thanks OP, this thread just reminded me that I'd left the immersion on after washing up!

Hopdathelf · 25/06/2021 14:23

😂 at the PP suggesting just get a combi boiler. Even if the OP wasn’t in rented accommodation, it’s not like she can just pop to Wilko and pick one up for a tenner.

Aprilx · 25/06/2021 14:26

@EnidPrunehat

Any fule kno that the rule is 'you turned it on, you turned it off'. Actually, that's not a rule. It's The Law.
Rubbish. If you turned a light on it isn’t your responsibility to turn it off if others are still using it. The last person to leave the room turns it off, not the person who put it on. Same here, the husband put the heater on for other people in the house, it is for them to turn it off when they are done.
tallduckandhandsome · 25/06/2021 14:30

As DS is a child, it's DP's responsibility to turn ti back off.

Yes, DS should learn to do it, but DH should be checking it's done not blaming the woman in the house.

Kobayashi21 · 25/06/2021 14:31

Rubbish. If you turned a light on it isn’t your responsibility to turn it off if others are still using it. The last person to leave the room turns it off, not the person who put it on

Official Immersion Rules are not the same as Big Light Rules. Everyone knows that.

YeokensYegg · 25/06/2021 14:31

Your DP just assumed someone else(you) would do it. He turned it on for his own benefit. He should have turned it off after DS was done or mentioned to DS that it was on.
He had no business snapping at you.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2021 14:31

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think your dp is in the wrong for exploding and assigning blame over a non event. Unless he's Irish in which case he may suffer from a national inbuilt ptsd over immersions and really it's not his fault.
bahahahaha indeed
AryaStarkWolf · 25/06/2021 14:32

@Kobayashi21

Rubbish. If you turned a light on it isn’t your responsibility to turn it off if others are still using it. The last person to leave the room turns it off, not the person who put it on

Official Immersion Rules are not the same as Big Light Rules. Everyone knows that.

Truth
Taliskerskye · 25/06/2021 14:33

Is he always like this
There was another thread recently about some men constantly getting defensive and shifting the blame, never taking any responsibilities

This sounds like that. If someone asked me I would go “doh” i forgot.

MargaretThursday · 25/06/2021 14:41

I wouldn't expect it to be his job to turn it off when he'd turned it on for ds.
I'd probably have said to ds "can you switch it off when you've had your shower?"

However if I'd been in your situation, I'd have gone and looked, seen it was still on, and switched it off.
Mistakes happen, no need to ask someone if they switched it off-it comes across as accusative even if you didn't mean it to.
Then I'd probably comment at some point, maybe next time it's switched on, something along the lines "can you remind ds to switch it off when he's finished?" or "must remember to switch it off again afterwards, we forgot last time."

mrsm43s · 25/06/2021 14:47

Hang on, did your DH tell you it was on, and then go out, so wasn't able to turn it off himself? (you use the term " as he went off", which I assume means that?) And you were only half listening.

Honestly, I can see why your DH is angry if this happens often.

He reasonably asked you to do something i.e. turn off the immersion in his absence. You only half listened, and then shrug responsibility. If he told you that it was on just before he was going out (and therefore unable to turn it off himself), then it was a reasonable expectation that you would turn it off in his absence, and you should have done it. The responsibility lays with you. He passed that responsibility over to you in his absence.

There is nothing more annoying than a partner who doesn't listen to you, and then thinks that them not listening properly absolves them of responsibility.

If he didn't go out, then your response when he told you the immersion was on should have simply been "don't forget to switch it off then", and the responsibility would have remained with him.

Obviously as a one off, no one should be getting angry. But if you often don't listen and don't take responsibility I can see that the frustration would build up.

If I ask my DH to pick up onions at the shop, I'd be angry if he forgot and then asked me where the onions were, and justified it with "I was only half listening, so it wasn't my responsibility to pick up onions".

Bimblybomeyelash · 25/06/2021 14:47

I used to get in such trouble as a child if I left the immersion heater on. In my head I thought it must be costing a fortune for every minute it was left on. I can still remember that panicky feeling when I realised I hadn’t turned it off, and having to quietly sneak to the airing cupboard to switch it off unseen! Then still thinking that my dad would find
Out when he got the HUGE bill!

Embracelife · 25/06/2021 15:00

Put a kitchen timer next to it. When switched on set the alarm on the timer

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/06/2021 15:05

But he didn't ask her to turn it off. He made a statement of fact. And assumed she'd take responsibility. I hate when my husband says did we do this? Eh I only know if I did or not. I can't answer for you. Just bloody ask me- sweet did you do xyz. Jesus Christ. It's like he's afraid I'll get upset that I didn't do something we had joint responsibility for or I won't own it if I was supposed to.

KatherineJaneway · 25/06/2021 15:10

DP put it on so should have made sure it was turned off as it is rarely used by any of you.

Killahangilion · 25/06/2021 15:13

This is not your fault. Your DH is an idiot.

He switched it on before having his shower, so it’s his responsibility to make sure it was switched off afterwards, not pass the buck in a passive aggressive way.

In these days of smart phones, it wouldn’t have been very difficult to set a simple reminder to himself after 20 minutes or so.

If DH or I put on the heater for water, we set a timer and make sure it’s switched off afterwards.

Blaming others for our own mistakes is pathetic.

@mrsm43s This is not remotely comparable to clearly asking someone to buy grocery items from the shop.

Taliskerskye · 25/06/2021 15:14

If someone said I put the immersion on. Can you turn it off. I would
If I put the immersion on then I would put the onus on myself to turn it off

VeganCheesePlease · 25/06/2021 15:24

Ah the immersion heater, cause of many household arguments. If I get in from work and my MiL (we live with her at the mo) crossly tells me it was left on I'm backtracking my steps to find an alibi like I'm being accused of murder 😂

longtompot · 25/06/2021 15:34

No one is really at fault. Anyone could have checked it was switched off before bed. But your husband being nasty about it is very wrong and he needs to apologise for that. Is he like this about other things in your life?