Who was responsible- me,dp or ds?

[Ilovesleeeeep]

This is a complete non issue but my DP made such a massive fuss about it that I want to see if I was being unreasonable.

DP went for a shower about 20 mins before ds was due for his so he put the emertion on, as he went off he said to me I've put the emertion on so there's enough hot water, i was half listening and that was that. Next day I'm washing my hands and the water is scolding so I know the emertion is on, i ask DP if he turned it off (genuinely just asking not accusing!) and he went off at me, being quite nasty!
First he said it was DS's responsibility to turn it off as he showered last, then when I pointed out DS didn't even know it was on so how on earth could it be his fault he turned on me and said as I knew he'd turned it on it was my responsibility to have turned it off, completely adamant it was nothing to do with him.

I literally expected him to say oh yeah I forgot to turn it off and that be the end of it! The switch is in the airing cupboard so not in plain sight, if I see it on when it doesn't need to be I turn it off but I don't go round checking it unless I'd put it on.

So should me, dp or ds have turned it off?

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

But he didn't ask her to turn it off. He made a statement of fact. And assumed she'd take responsibility. I hate when my husband says did we do this? Eh I only know if I did or not. I can't answer for you. Just bloody ask me- sweet did you do xyz. Jesus Christ. It's like he's afraid I'll get upset that I didn't do something we had joint responsibility for or I won't own it if I was supposed to.

Honestly, if I left the house for the evening and said "there's a pie in the oven", I wouldn't expect to find a burnt pie in the oven when I got home.

If (and its a big if) he was going out, its implied that by saying "the immersion is on" that he is saying " the immersion is on. I'm off out now and unable to switch it off. Please can you make sure its switched off".

It's pretty obvious that the person who is not in the house cannot switch the immersion off, so he is telling the person who is in the house, so that they can do it.

If he was in the house, there was no reason to pass the buck, and it remains his responsibility.

Well it wasn't your DS fault if he didn’t know.

If your DP was telling you before he went out it was on you.

If you were both home it was joint.

We hang something on the airing cupboard door handle when we put the immersion on so we remember to turn it off.

@MargaretThursday

I wouldn't expect it to be his job to turn it off when he'd turned it on for ds. I'd probably have said to ds "can you switch it off when you've had your shower?"

However if I'd been in your situation, I'd have gone and looked, seen it was still on, and switched it off.
Mistakes happen, no need to ask someone if they switched it off-it comes across as accusative even if you didn't mean it to.
Then I'd probably comment at some point, maybe next time it's switched on, something along the lines "can you remind ds to switch it off when he's finished?" or "must remember to switch it off again afterwards, we forgot last time."

The issue is not whether or not it was turned off but the fact that it was ‘someone’s’ job to remember. Not the entire household. One person. And that person was DP (or DS, if DP had told him). Instead DP said it was ‘OP’s job to check because he had told her he turned it on’. He didn’t ask her to check etc he just assumed he’d told her so she’d make sure it was done. How is that fair? So every time somebody in the household does something (e.g loads dishwasher) all they have to do instead of finishing the task properly is to tell OP so that she finishes it off because they can’t be arsed?

@Killahangilion

This is not your fault. Your DH is an idiot.

He switched it on before having his shower, so it’s his responsibility to make sure it was switched off afterwards, not pass the buck in a passive aggressive way.

In these days of smart phones, it wouldn’t have been very difficult to set a simple reminder to himself after 20 minutes or so.

If DH or I put on the heater for water, we set a timer and make sure it’s switched off afterwards.

Blaming others for our own mistakes is pathetic.

@mrsm43s This is not remotely comparable to clearly asking someone to buy grocery items from the shop.

OK then, imagine this conversation.

DH - "I'm off to the supermarket"
Me - "I've just used the last of the onions"
DH - "Oh have you? OK, bye then - see you later"

DH goes to supermarket.
Next day

DH "Why are there no onions?"
Me - "I told you there were no onions before you went to do the shop!"
DH - "Oh did you? I was only half listening to you. Anyway, you used the last onion, you should have been the one to go and buy onions"

Because that is the equivalent.

Most couples don't give each other formal instructions for everything! They work together as a team!

Or another one (I may be on a bit of a roll here - can anyone tell I have this issue with my DH )

I put some washing on the line outside.

I go out, and say to DH - "There's washing on the line".
It starts to rain while I'm out, and when I come back, there's rain soaked washing on the line.
Me: "I told you there was washing on the line! It's soaked now!"
DH: "I wasn't really listening to you, and anyway you didn't expressly tell me to bring it in if it rained! Besides which, you hung it out, its your responsibility to bring it back in"

Another equivalent situation.

@mrsm43s your example is very clear cut. One person is going out shopping so it’s clearly their job to buy more onions if told there aren’t any.

In this situation he should’ve have told his son to turn it off ( which he knows , as that is whom he blamed first). He could also have checked when he came home from wherever he had gone if he was out. So when he told the OP how is it clear that he wanted her to check? It seems like he’s just informing her without asking her to do anything

@Scarlettpixie

Well it wasn't your DS fault if he didn’t know.

If your DP was telling you before he went out it was on you.

If you were both home it was joint.

We hang something on the airing cupboard door handle when we put the immersion on so we remember to turn it off.

Why was it on OP?

[quote LateAtTate]@mrsm43s your example is very clear cut. One person is going out shopping so it’s clearly their job to buy more onions if told there aren’t any.

In this situation he should’ve have told his son to turn it off ( which he knows , as that is whom he blamed first). He could also have checked when he came home from wherever he had gone if he was out. So when he told the OP how is it clear that he wanted her to check? It seems like he’s just informing her without asking her to do anything[/quote]
I disagree. Saying "the immersion is on" before going out is exactly the same as "there's washing on the line", "there's a pie in the oven", "the dog hasn't been walked", "the heating is on", "the children haven't had their dinner yet" - there's an implied "and as the other adult in the household, please can you deal with this in my absence."

Any adult with any level of responsibility would deal with all the above in the other adult's absence. Without needing explicit instructions.

Of course, everyone makes a mistake from time to time, and things get forgotten and its no big deal. But if this is one incident in a series of shirked responsibilities/inability to step up, I can see why OP's husband lost his rag, particularly with regard to the "half listening". It's seriously draining living with someone who won't ever step up and take responsibility and who doesn't listen, and I speak from experience.

Of course, the point still remains that if OPs husband was still in and hadn't left the house, then the responsibility remained with him throughout.

He reasonably asked you to do something i.e. turn off the immersion in his absence.

He didn't ask anything of the sort!
How on earth did you arrive at this conjecture, @mrsm43s!?

There is nothing more annoying than a partner who doesn't listen to you, and then thinks that them not listening properly absolves them of responsibility.

Except that didn't happen.

What did happen was also annoying, in that OP's partner didn't communicate clearly with her, and then thought that him not communicating properly absolved him of responsibility.

If I ask my DH to pick up onions at the shop, I'd be angry if he forgot and then asked me where the onions were, and justified it with "I was only half listening, so it wasn't my responsibility to pick up onions".

How about when you didn't ask DH for onions?
Would you still decide you were justified in feeling angry that DH had "forgotten" something you hadn't asked him to do?

It's relevant, because that's what actually happened in OP's scenario, despite you inventing an entire scenario where her DH asked for something when he actually did not do so.

@edwinbear

Presumably when your DP told you he'd switched it on, in his mind, he then absolved himself of any further responsibility and made it your job to remember to either switch it off yourself, or ask your DS to once he'd finished. YANBU.

This. And bollocks to all the get a timer posts. Is that so the important busy man doesn't have to take responsibility for anything?

Fuck that. He's at fault here.

@mrsm43s

Hang on, did your DH tell you it was on, and then go out, so wasn't able to turn it off himself? (you use the term " as he went off", which I assume means that?) And you were only half listening.

Honestly, I can see why your DH is angry if this happens often.

He reasonably asked you to do something i.e. turn off the immersion in his absence. You only half listened, and then shrug responsibility. If he told you that it was on just before he was going out (and therefore unable to turn it off himself), then it was a reasonable expectation that you would turn it off in his absence, and you should have done it. The responsibility lays with you. He passed that responsibility over to you in his absence.

There is nothing more annoying than a partner who doesn't listen to you, and then thinks that them not listening properly absolves them of responsibility.

If he didn't go out, then your response when he told you the immersion was on should have simply been "don't forget to switch it off then", and the responsibility would have remained with him.

Obviously as a one off, no one should be getting angry. But if you often don't listen and don't take responsibility I can see that the frustration would build up.

If I ask my DH to pick up onions at the shop, I'd be angry if he forgot and then asked me where the onions were, and justified it with "I was only half listening, so it wasn't my responsibility to pick up onions".

What. The. Actual. Fuck. 🤦‍♀️

@mrsm43s

Or another one (I may be on a bit of a roll here - can anyone tell I have this issue with my DH )

I put some washing on the line outside.

I go out, and say to DH - "There's washing on the line".
It starts to rain while I'm out, and when I come back, there's rain soaked washing on the line.
Me: "I told you there was washing on the line! It's soaked now!"
DH: "I wasn't really listening to you, and anyway you didn't expressly tell me to bring it in if it rained! Besides which, you hung it out, its your responsibility to bring it back in"

Another equivalent situation.

Except the equivalent here is:

I some of DS’s clothes that I had borrowed (for god knows what reason) and washed on the line outside.

I sit down on the sofa, and say to DH - "There's washing on the line".
We go to bed and when we get up there's rain soaked washing on the line.
Me: "I told you there was washing on the line! It's soaked now! Why can’t DS or you take any responsibility for anything?”

Seriously @ChargingBuck, if your partner said to you before going out "there's washing on the line", you leave it out in the rain, because you weren't explicitly told that it needed to be taken in when it rains? If your partner said "there's a pie in the oven", you'd just leave it to burn, because they didn't explicitly tell you to take it out? If they left the house for the night and said "dog hasn't been walked", you'd leave the poor dog unwalked because they didn't explicitly tell you to walk the dog, if they left the house and said "I switched the immersion on for DS's shower", you'd leave it running for ever more, because they didn't explicitly ask you to switch it off. Why on earth not? It's very obviously implied! Adults shouldn't need to be spoonfed!

@NumberTheory

No that's not the equivalent if OPs DH went out.

If he didn't then he should have switched the immersion back off himself - I've always said that.

But if he went out (which I think, but am not sure the OP says) then he was telling her as a short hand to ask him to complete the job that he could not do as he was not there to do it. It's not a remotely unreasonable request. How on earth did OP think her DH was going to switch the immersion off when he wasn't there?

Your "equivalent" is only an equivalent if he stayed in the house. In which case I agree with you, it remained his responsibility.

“He went off” doesn’t mean he went out. It means he left the room. He could have gone anywhere, but since it was 10 at night it’s not likely he left the house.

DP should have turned it off. He is over reacting

fiancé and l were reminiscing the other day about things our parents moaned about when we were children / teenagers. I mentioned the immersion and fiancé doesn’t know what the hell l mean

Also, since they use the immersion so rarely, even if he had gone out, a simple “I put the immersion on” is not really sufficient to pass on the responsibility for switching it off. Though it’s also more of a reason forgetting to switch it off is not at all surprising and shouldn’t be causing upset and accusations of shirking.

It would be like your a pie example except no one in the house really cooks, and you don’t say how long it needs, don’t set a timer and then get annoyed it only got taken out when someone smelt it burning.

The people who knew it was switched on should have checked it was switched off.

Neither of you did that, so you are both in the wrong.

But he is more in the wrong for having a massive, unnecessary go at you.

^^ above for @mrsm43s

Rubbish. If you turned a light on it isn’t your responsibility to turn it off if others are still using it. The last person to leave the room turns it off, not the person who put it on. Same here, the husband put the heater on for other people in the house, it is for them to turn it off when they are done.

But the son wasn't told the damn thing was on. The H told his wife, the Default Human Responsible For All Things on account of being a uterus haverer.

@IAmAWomanNotACis of course l forgot about the uterus rule!!!

I feel drawn to use the phrase "are you on glue?!" to mrsm43s. But I won't. Because that would be rude.

I don't have an immersion heater, so I'm having trouble understanding the issue. If you have a gas boiler, surely you can override the timer to heat the water?

As far as I know, if I had an immersion heater on a switch, you only switch it on if the gas boiler is broken and you're waiting for a repair.

It costs three times as much to heat a water with electricity as it does with gas.