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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was responsible- me,dp or ds?

130 replies

Ilovesleeeeep · 25/06/2021 12:35

This is a complete non issue but my DP made such a massive fuss about it that I want to see if I was being unreasonable.

DP went for a shower about 20 mins before ds was due for his so he put the emertion on, as he went off he said to me I've put the emertion on so there's enough hot water, i was half listening and that was that. Next day I'm washing my hands and the water is scolding so I know the emertion is on, i ask DP if he turned it off (genuinely just asking not accusing!) and he went off at me, being quite nasty!
First he said it was DS's responsibility to turn it off as he showered last, then when I pointed out DS didn't even know it was on so how on earth could it be his fault he turned on me and said as I knew he'd turned it on it was my responsibility to have turned it off, completely adamant it was nothing to do with him.

I literally expected him to say oh yeah I forgot to turn it off and that be the end of it! The switch is in the airing cupboard so not in plain sight, if I see it on when it doesn't need to be I turn it off but I don't go round checking it unless I'd put it on.

So should me, dp or ds have turned it off?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 25/06/2021 13:10

Why was he going off at you about it?

Original poster
Ilovesleeeeep · 25/06/2021 13:11

I honestly wasn't accusing him we were both in the kitchen when I nearly scalded my hands and I just said something like ouch the water is really hot did you turn the immersion off last night. He then got angry and tried to place the blame. A simple oh yeah oops or whatever was all I expected him to say.

OP posts:
Doublestar · 25/06/2021 13:13

Good god, the days of the immersion heater - the rows it caused growing up!

Sorry, besides the point I know but I totally sympathise!

Hankunamatata · 25/06/2021 13:13

This was the ongoing fight when I grew up. Dad ended up putting time on it. It's not expensive to do

tava63 · 25/06/2021 13:15

Immersion wars ... this could heated! You might want to watch this to cool everything down - www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10152733001726580

UhtredRagnarson · 25/06/2021 13:18

Entirely DHs fault. He knew it was on, he should have checked it was off. He didn’t.

Sally872 · 25/06/2021 13:18

It's an accident. Anybody could have turned it off, nobody did.

He shouldn't have got angry about it. Tbh you knew it must have been left on when you asked which isn't ideal either.

sillysmiles · 25/06/2021 13:24

I can see your SH's pov - it turned in on as a good deed and then the people (DS) who used the water didn't turn it off.

I've taken to leaving the airing cupboard door open when the immersion is on so I remember I've turned it on.

But no one is in the wrong, imo wasn't your DHs job to turn it off - either him or you should have mentioned to DS to turn off the emersion after your shower.

Sounds like his reaction is because he felt like you were blaming him rather than the actual situation.

jsp5642 · 25/06/2021 13:31

I think you all just forgot. Maybe your DH is really stressed and knackered and defensive. I know we are here. Maybe you could all do with putting your feet up and resting a bit.

LateAtTate · 25/06/2021 13:35

Your DP turned it on for DS - he should either have turned it off himself or told DS.
You have absolutely NOTHING to do with this.
If he told you expecting you to tell DS he’s being a complete dick. This is the sort of mental load shit that leaves women all tired and stressed out.

Kobayashi21 · 25/06/2021 13:36

It's an accident. Anybody could have turned it off, nobody did

Yes, but whoever turned it on has the responsibility to turn it off. It's in The Immersion Rules.

NoProblem123 · 25/06/2021 13:37

I thought ‘turning off the immersion’ had been updated to ‘turning off the hot tub’.

Happens all the time at my house ! Who turned it on, who got in, who was last in, who said they would go in it tomorrow morning - a week later it’s still on 40 degrees and I’ve got shares in Scottish Power.

LettyLoman · 25/06/2021 13:41

In our house, you turn it on, you turn it off; you make a mess, you clean it up; you break it, you fix it. You absolutely do not pass the buck. If he'd asked you to turn it off then that's a different AIBU.

whynotwhatknot · 25/06/2021 13:44

Its a one off does it really matter-yes its expensive as long as its not a regular basis its not worth a row

HeronLanyon · 25/06/2021 13:44

I can kind of see it being dp and your responsibility. He told you it was on and May well have assumed you’d check it was turned off. Think ds is not to blame unless he too was told and it’s convention that the last user turns it off. So should at the very least have double checked that it was off despite telling you it was on. Don’t think he is totally absolved here.
No matter what his reaction is inexcusable.
A misunderstanding somewhere along the way and shouldn’t have created such drama.

FamBae · 25/06/2021 13:46

I agree it was his fault & he should have turned it off, but you say you knew the immersion had been left on as the water was scalding hot so why did you ask him if he left it on knowing the answer, surely you just go turn it off? I feel like you just wanted to tell him off & he reacted defensively.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 13:49

I completely agree it doesnt matter but the fact he got quite angry about it shocked me.

Unless this is a one-off stress reaction to this tiny non-event, I'm shocked too.

Anger, & instant blame-laying.
If he has form for it, it's worrying, & I wonder what other unreasonable things he expects you to be psychic about & responsible for (spoiler - all the mental load & wifework, perchance?)

His reaction was disproportionate & unfair, but if it's way out of character, don't let it spoil your day.
But do make sure you tell him so later - just before he reverts to being a decent bloke & apologises for snapping at you & expecting you to be a mindreader ...

mam0918 · 25/06/2021 13:51

Honestly though... who cares?

Its just something that sometimes happens but getting angry and blaming people is a big red flag.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 25/06/2021 13:53

Why are so many posters saying it's OP's responsibility?!

Your H owes you an apology for being such a nasty bastard and for taking zero responsibility himself. Do you have to wipe his botty for him too?

Oneofthosedreadfulparents · 25/06/2021 13:54

Echoing @LateAtTate - this was nothing to do with you - you didn't turn the immersion on, or benefit from it in any way, but your partner told you that they'd turned it on in order to pass responsibility for the situation over to you and absolve themselves.
In his head, once he'd told you, he was free to forget about it - and that is likely why he became so cross - because you didn't pick up the baton in the way he expected.
In and of itself, it's a silly little incident, but it's part of a bigger problem - your role in your household, and how others perceive your role compared with the role you're happy to fulfil.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 13:55

I feel like you just wanted to tell him off & he reacted defensively.

Oh I don't think so @FamBae.
OP scalded her hand & I imagine that made her jump & say "ow" at the least. All she did was ask if the bloody immersion had been left on.

Why should that warrant an angry response, & a demand that she should have somehow divined that as DH informing her that he was switching it on, that automatically meant that he shouldn't be the one to switch it off again?

Anyhow, I hope this is just a molehill.

pallisers · 25/06/2021 13:58

the person who turns it on is responsible for turning it off unless they ask another person to do it.

Why was he nasty to you and angry? even if it WAS your fault, there was no call for that. I'd pull him up on that.

Tal45 · 25/06/2021 14:01

He put it on I'd expect him to turn it off, he got in a mood blaming everyone else because he knew it was his fault. Why would you check it, you weren't even having a shower. He's being a dick about it, is he always like this, where nothing is ever his fault?

butterpuffed · 25/06/2021 14:02

Unless he was worried about the cost of leaving it on, then I can't see the point of the discussion.

Notaroadrunner · 25/06/2021 14:02

He should have turned it off. You didn't need hot water, your Ds didn't know the immersion was on, so it was up to Dh to turn it off. He knows that and that's why he's annoyed - annoyed at himself but taking it out on you.