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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think affairs are more common than we think

301 replies

YukiCarrot · 25/06/2021 11:22

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

OP posts:
WalkingOnTheCracks · 27/06/2021 10:00

@YukiCarrot

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

Well, whether they are more common than you think they are sort of depends how common you think they are. I think they're about as common as I think they are.

But, as you say, it's worth mentioning that the other person having the affair was a woman. How's your trust in them holding up?

The bewildering thing for me in all this is that what he apologised for, and resigned over, was not the affair. That wasn't mentioned in his statement. It was breaking social distancing rules.

If I was his wife, I'd release a statement saying, "Very bad form breaking the social distancing rules. But adultery? Believe me, he'd have to get a lot closer than that."

theliverpoolone · 27/06/2021 10:00

My female married boss, with a young child, had an affair with a colleague (single, male, no kids). It was really obvious to me while it was happening, even though she didnt say anything, and I did lose some respect for her. She worked ridiculous hours and barely saw her dc, yet she managed to make time for an affair rather than for her child. Needless to say it all ended badly, they're no longer together and she's no longer married.

Youdiditanyway · 27/06/2021 10:02

I like to think DH never has and he tells me he never has, it’s hard to think of a time where he’s acted suspiciously or given me any real reason to suspect so I’d guess he has remained faithful. I’ve never cheated on anyone before, it’s never even interested me.

A former friend of mine had an affair with her married boss. He was a fair bit older than her (we were early 20s at the time) and he left his wife and child for her. I stopped being friends with her around this point because I felt too bad for his wife. They’re police officers and I hear affairs are quite rampant within the police force.

MIL cheated on FIL for years including with his then best friend, in fact she ended up leaving FIL for his best friend and was in a relationship with him for years until they split last year. She’s alone now and complains about being lonely a lot. FIL met someone else a few years back and they regularly travel the world together, have a great time- karma.

I’d say it’s pretty common, yes. Doesn’t make it any less shitty though. Hancock has clearly had a thing for her since they met 25 years ago and should have married her instead of wasting poor Martha’s time and breaking her heart. Wank stain.

lazylinguist · 27/06/2021 14:11

I find it odd that anyone would think affairs weren't common. You only have to hang out on MN for a while to have your eyes opened.

As for the serial momogamy thing... multiple long-term relationships? Honestly, who could be arsed with the upheaval of all that? I'm pretty sure that if I found I'd married a wrong 'un or just got terminally bored with my husband, I'd much rather stay single after that or have casual flings than go through the whole dating and committing thing again in middle age!

MrsDThomas · 27/06/2021 15:20

Affairs are everywhere. Its nothing new. Nothing shocks me anymore.

user1487194234 · 27/06/2021 15:26

When I worked in town affairs were pretty common
Or at least a lot of one night stands
Mainly older married men with younger women
I suppose WFH will have put a stop to a lot of that

WeAllHaveWings · 27/06/2021 15:52

No-one in my very large family or in my friendship group have, to my knowledge had an affair.

I am aware, over many years of quite a few at work, but within the context of hundreds of married/living together people I know it is a very low percentage. Certainly not "common".

Of course they could all be at it like rabbits 🐇🐇🐇 and I am blissfully unaware.

Movinghouseatlast · 27/06/2021 16:15

I just read that George Osbourne split up from his wife and is now with the senior adviser he had when he was chancellor. Surely he was snagging her then?

User135644 · 27/06/2021 16:30

People are so damn primative.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 27/06/2021 16:44

I mean, even John Major and Edwina Currie! I never could quite get my head round that one, but after that I’d believe anything.

There might be so much less stress, heartache and expense if people expected to have, for example, starter relationships in their 20s, a family-raising relationship in their 30s and 40s, then the freedom and flexibility in later life to date or have other long term relationships.

Nice idea but not sure that would work for most people. Most people don’t want to grow old alone, and dating in your 60s and 70s could be pretty grim!

User135644 · 27/06/2021 16:51

@BigPyjamas

Having worked in HR I can tell you that affairs are very common indeed. 60% of senior male managers in my previous firm had one that I knew of, and a decent other % were flirting/snogging/assaulting female staff.

And it isn't even the obvious ones, it's the boring middle aged ones in clarks shoes abs washable M&S suits

I think the problem with the 'boring middle aged manager' types, is they rise through the ranks and then suddenly get female attention they're not used to and become tempted. This is amplified the more senior the job (especially at cabinet level in government).

There's more opportunity for senior male managers to have affairs than the cashier at Subway or the Joe Average admin assistant

VerticalHorizon · 27/06/2021 16:55

*I think the problem with the 'boring middle aged manager' types, is they rise through the ranks and then suddenly get female attention they're not used to and become tempted. This is amplified the more senior the job (especially at cabinet level in government).

There's more opportunity for senior male managers to have affairs than the cashier at Subway or the Joe Average admin assistant*

What is this telling us though? It reads as bad for the women as for the men. Is it really just down to status? Do you think the men manipulate their situation to make the most of the pressure situations at work? Do you think the women manipulate the situation as a result of middle aged men's vanity?

Maybe a mix of both?

Pottedpalm · 27/06/2021 17:09

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

YANBU - years ago it used to be the default position to be faithful to your long term partner. Now the default position seems to be to be unfaithful to your partner. It's horrid and it makes me glad i'm single.
That is not true. There were fewer platforms for news but I’m sure infidelity was just as common. People maybe stayed together ‘for the sake of the family’.
Pottedpalm · 27/06/2021 17:10

@Movinghouseatlast

I just read that George Osbourne split up from his wife and is now with the senior adviser he had when he was chancellor. Surely he was snagging her then?
Who cares?
VerticalHorizon · 27/06/2021 17:12

YANBU - years ago it used to be the default position to be faithful to your long term partner. Now the default position seems to be to be unfaithful to your partner. It's horrid and it makes me glad i'm single.

I'm really not sure that's right.
Kings and Queens have done it. Soldiers and their wives at home did it. I think it's always happened. In some circles it's almost de regueur.

I suspect it was hushed up a lot more in the past because it was possibly a lot harder for people to separate.

User135644 · 27/06/2021 17:20

What is this telling us though? It reads as bad for the women as for the men. Is it really just down to status?

Women chase after status like men chase physical beauty. Men achieve power/wealth/high ranking job and then either chase after women, or have women chasing after them.

I doubt there's many faithful Premier League footballers.

VerticalHorizon · 27/06/2021 17:27

@User135644

What is this telling us though? It reads as bad for the women as for the men. Is it really just down to status?

Women chase after status like men chase physical beauty. Men achieve power/wealth/high ranking job and then either chase after women, or have women chasing after them.

I doubt there's many faithful Premier League footballers.

It's rather sad on both sides don't you think? Both are terribly shallow reasons (but I don't disagree with what you've stated).
Skysblue · 27/06/2021 17:32

I’ve worked in one office (law firm) where if you had an affair with a colleague, you both got fired. End of discussion. There was a nice non-sleazy atmosphere there.

Also worked in a public sector place where everyone was having affairs and there was an atmosphere of “do what you can get away with” with jokes not judgment about cheating colleagues. A grim sleazy atmosphere and I felt harassed by a couple of different colleagues touching me inappropriately out of the blue. Yuk. I quit.

If I’d only worked at the law firm I would have answered your question by saying that affairs are v v rare. Now I guess they are common in some workplace cultures and not in others and people think what they see around them is normal.

I’ve always thought having an affair is incredibly weak. Of course we find others attractive, of course relationships are hard at times. You either stay faithful or you leave. Being too weak to stay faithful but too weak to leave? Pathetic.

VerticalHorizon · 27/06/2021 17:41

I’ve always thought having an affair is incredibly weak. Of course we find others attractive, of course relationships are hard at times. You either stay faithful or you leave. Being too weak to stay faithful but too weak to leave? Pathetic.

I used to think this, but there are women in very difficult relationships who cannot leave. There are people with disabled partners who may not be able to have sex etc. Others simply make a terrible choice when embarking on an affair.
I think life is complex.
I'd also wager that the legal firm is not without affairs, just significantly more discretion.

SecretSpAD · 27/06/2021 18:28

I've had affairs when I was with previous partners and I've been the OW a number of times. I have no regrets. I enjoyed the affair and the sex was more fun knowing that it was illicit. I was never in love with the men I had affairs with, it was just a bit of discreet fun for both of us.

I've been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had an affair and I don't know if my husband had. We agreed fairly early on that we both had a French attitude to affairs but that we would be discreet and not confess unless it was a serious falling in love type thing. To be honest the only reason I have stayed faithful to my husband, at least in recent years, is because I can't be bothered with sex anymore. He has erectile dysfunction due to prostate cancer a few years ago so guess he's not getting it anywhere else either.

I might change my mind if my dogs vet offered though.....

VerticalHorizon · 27/06/2021 18:37

@SecretSpAD

I've had affairs when I was with previous partners and I've been the OW a number of times. I have no regrets. I enjoyed the affair and the sex was more fun knowing that it was illicit. I was never in love with the men I had affairs with, it was just a bit of discreet fun for both of us.

I've been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had an affair and I don't know if my husband had. We agreed fairly early on that we both had a French attitude to affairs but that we would be discreet and not confess unless it was a serious falling in love type thing. To be honest the only reason I have stayed faithful to my husband, at least in recent years, is because I can't be bothered with sex anymore. He has erectile dysfunction due to prostate cancer a few years ago so guess he's not getting it anywhere else either.

I might change my mind if my dogs vet offered though.....

Just pay the damn vet fee!
User135644 · 27/06/2021 18:53

It's rather sad on both sides don't you think?

Yes, but humans are very primitive beings.

VerticalHorizon · 27/06/2021 19:06

@User135644

It's rather sad on both sides don't you think?

Yes, but humans are very primitive beings.

I don't disagree. Given the right set of circumstances and persuasion, people have been persuaded to overlook or partake in genocide! - they sure as hell could be tempted by something more positive.

I don't think it's about weakness. Just as (say) depression isn't about weakness. If the right set of circumstances combine - and someone somehow matches your emotional / mental / physical chemistry, then it can happen (and does). I actually don't know anybody who had an affair who set out to. The few I do know all said 'it just kinda happened'. I believe it.

SecretSpAD · 27/06/2021 20:32

Just pay the damn vet fee!

Lol. My dog is diabetic. It's a ducking fortune just in food.....but the thought of the amount of sexual favours it would cost instead makes me feel knackered!

SecretSpAD · 27/06/2021 20:34

Fucking of course. No ducks are harmed in paying my dogs vets bills.