AIBU to think affairs are more common than we think

[YukiCarrot]

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s ok to do it, their point is, it seems staying with one partner for 50 years is an unrealistic expectation- based on the amount of affairs that go on.

Exactly. I'm certainly not arguing that cheating is acceptable in a supposedly faithful relationship. I'm arguing almost the opposite: that the expectation of a marriage for life almost incentivises people to cheat because it makes free will and autonomy within the family unit so difficult.

Its true that some people (a minority if anecdote is anything to go by) have long, happy, faithful marriages and marriage clearly suits some people. That doesn't invalidate the fact that for a large number of people its a pretty blunt instrument to use as the cornerstone for your financial security and the social organisation of your family.

It evolved as a tool both to protect and control women by effectively making them the property of their husbands. For millennia, marriage had nothing to do with love and was primarily a financial contract. Clearly that position has changed with respect to women's position in a marriage and thankfully the stigma attached to leaving an unhappy marriage has weakened and a lot of women retain their financial independence once they marry. But the moral framework is still there: ie that if you enter a marriage there is some expectation that you won't leave.

I'm fine with the expectation that if you marry you remain sexually faithful to your partner. But I'm uncomfortable with the idea that you frame the most basic legal unit of society the family around the idea of being financially rewarded for what society deems to be acceptable sexual behaviour. I just think we should have evolved beyond this.

@tentimesaday

What a depressing and odd thread. Most people saying it's acceptable to betray the person you married in exchange for a drunken shag. It's gross, really. Animalistic.

But sure we are animals!

@thepeopleversuswork

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s ok to do it, their point is, it seems staying with one partner for 50 years is an unrealistic expectation- based on the amount of affairs that go on.

Exactly. I'm certainly not arguing that cheating is acceptable in a supposedly faithful relationship. I'm arguing almost the opposite: that the expectation of a marriage for life almost incentivises people to cheat because it makes free will and autonomy within the family unit so difficult.

Its true that some people (a minority if anecdote is anything to go by) have long, happy, faithful marriages and marriage clearly suits some people. That doesn't invalidate the fact that for a large number of people its a pretty blunt instrument to use as the cornerstone for your financial security and the social organisation of your family.

It evolved as a tool both to protect and control women by effectively making them the property of their husbands. For millennia, marriage had nothing to do with love and was primarily a financial contract. Clearly that position has changed with respect to women's position in a marriage and thankfully the stigma attached to leaving an unhappy marriage has weakened and a lot of women retain their financial independence once they marry. But the moral framework is still there: ie that if you enter a marriage there is some expectation that you won't leave.

I'm fine with the expectation that if you marry you remain sexually faithful to your partner. But I'm uncomfortable with the idea that you frame the most basic legal unit of society the family around the idea of being financially rewarded for what society deems to be acceptable sexual behaviour. I just think we should have evolved beyond this.

Totally agree!

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s ok to do it, their point is, it seems staying with one partner for 50 years is an unrealistic expectation- based on the amount of affairs that go on.
I think most people will have experienced or witnessed a divorce, before embarking on marriage. I’d say most go into it knowing it might fail, so I wouldn’t say there is an expectation it will last forever.
The problem isn’t that the relationship might have run it’s course or your feelings may have changed , it’s how you resolve it that counts.

I ended up with medical issues that took me out of my career and the work force in general for a while so I lost my financial independence
If someone is financially supporting you through marriage, then the least you owe them is your respect and fidelity.

If you can’t then leave the relationship and do what people without the luxury of a marriage partner need to do. I.e. support yourself.

I'm divorced because of my exh's affair. Unfortunately this opened the floodgates of people who couldn't wait to tell me that he'd been shagging many others, people who had seen him out, one who saw him in a local hotel with a woman while I was at home with our baby. At one point he had two on the go as he was weighing up cocklodging opportunities.

Nobody was off limits, even his friends mum. It has meant that I have been unable or don't actually want to have another relationship. I do realise it's nothing I did and nothing I did could have prevented it because he just that sort of person.

He's still with last OW but lives in an imprisoned relationship as she knows full well what he's capable off. I bitterly regret wasting 15 years of my life on this prick. I think some people are just wired that way. I know plenty of people with monogamous long term relationships to know that it's perfectly possible. Some people just like to have their cake and eat it I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's really common.

I spent most of my career working in male dominated environments. IME a high proportion of men would be up for an affair. Men who are supposedly happily married with a couple of kids. I don't know why I guess it's an ego stroke and a bit of excitement. I can't comment on women.

Fewer people are taking traditional vows when they get married too, this could be a contributing factor.
It's lovely to talk about his hair next to yours when you wake up together, blah blah. But, where are the "forsaking you for all others" bit.
We said trad vows as we believed in them and wanted a successful marriage not to fail.
Been married 30 years, neither have strayed. Yes, we look, and find other people attractive. Like walking past a cake shop when you are on a diet, nothing wrong with looking, just don't go inside and fill your face.

Affairs have always been around since year dot and always will be. I’m in my 50’s now and have seen lots of this at work functions and in the office. You can grow close to people you work with. I once had a brief fling with a married man who had lied to me about his situation.

@Comebacksunshines

I ended up with medical issues that took me out of my career and the work force in general for a while so I lost my financial independence If someone is financially supporting you through marriage, then the least you owe them is your respect and fidelity.

If you can’t then leave the relationship and do what people without the luxury of a marriage partner need to do. I.e. support yourself.

That seems a random line to pull out and an even more random rant to add to it. Where did I say anything about not being faithful or respectful? I thought my context was pretty clear I was talking about the limited legal and financial protections of marriage and adding to the discussion on changes to the social system by discussing the issues of when someone cannot be financially independent and whether marriage actually protects us. It does some more than others.

What actually happens to many who have ended up bedbound throughout history without support is they die. That was my "medical issue", so it was kinda difficult to not be faithful in that situation. What happens to many disabled people throughout history without other support is a lingering painful death - sometimes intentionally by another person, we are at higher risk of abuse and being killed - not an option to support ourselves so maybe consider the "luxury" of being able to support yourself that others may not have.

I know I'm lucky to have a spouse who cared for me in my sickness and in my slightly improved health, but I'm also very aware not everyone is so lucky. If we're going to discuss the social systems that have been intertwined with marriage which has become part of the topic, including the most vulnerable I think is relevant.

I think in certain "London" circles having an affair is the norm and almost expected for both men and women. People dont expect their OH to be monogamous as long as their face isn't rubbed in it. Embarrassing though to be on the front page of the papers...

I couldn't give a shit if Matt Hancock and all the rest of the politicians have affairs; I'd be more surprised if they weren't tbh. My first though in all this was who has NH pissed off in order for them to give the go ahead for the press to print this?

Oh yes, affairs are indeed very common.

The Hancock news does not surprise me at all.

I've heard and seen it all at this point.

Goes against my morals. I think less of people that do. There is no excuse for it.

Yes, quite a few. A couple of local mumsnetters whose DH are shagging around and they have no clue.

@Moltenpink

The one that shocked me the most was when Cheryl Cole was cheated on. I remember thinking if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone!

Why? because she's very attractive?

What's pretty evident in life is that all is often not what it seems. Behind closed doors, relationships can be rather complex and nice people are not also quite so nice, and sometimes, people you think are awful can be the opposite.

There are usually reasons why affairs happen. I don't think it's always down to sex. The reasons are probably as complex and varied as the countless people involved.

Work seems to be a common place for them to occur and a lot of suggestion is that pressure situations and working in close proximity can play with people's mindsets and emotions, leading to affairs.

It's absolutely common for people to be shocked that the other woman, or other man isn't as attractive as the current partner. To me, that only helps to show that there's more to it than just physical attraction.

@VerticalHorizon

Definitely. Emotional connection built up over time can lead to physical attraction and workplaces where people spend 35 hours a week together are ideal places for these relationships to develop. I have developed attractions to people through working closely with them and finding out about them on nights out etc.

Really common.

Hopefully my husband wouldn’t but you never know. I truly believe most men would given the opportunity with a slim and attractive female.

Most middle aged men are pretty ugly though so don’t have the chance.

Like I said I would really hope my husband wouldn’t but I’m not one of those “oh my husband definitely wouldn’t” types. Tends to be that type who’s whole world comes crushing down.

I wouldn’t take my husband back if he cheated on me. I have too much self respect and I am self sufficient. I know I wouldn’t. Goes completely against my inner values.

I don't think it's about 'given the opportunity' either (although it might be for some).

I suspect for many it's about timing, and emotional state, and someone with just the right chemistry coinciding at the same time.

It would be a bit too easy to say 'caught at low ebb', but a certain confluence of circumstances might combine to kind of take a hold of your thought process and emotions.

When (if) you fall in love, you can probably list a positive set of attributes that make the other person attractive - funny, caring, attractive, loving etc - but those are attributes many others share. Ultimately there's that magical chemistry that defies explanation and I think that's part of the intoxication when you find a partner, or when you are tempted to have an affair - or rather tempted by another which leads to the affair.

I would imagine most people are tempted by another at some point in their lives. The evidence suggests that of those, a few succumb. Over the course of a lifetime, that 'few' is a significant number (over half?). So you might be tempted 2 or 3 times, and succumb once (I don't know the figures, I'm surmising).

I don't think most set out for an affair, but accept some will.

Forgot to mention in my previous post that I found out a few years back that both of my parents had affairs. Don’t get me wrong they’re not right together and god knows why they’re still together all these years later but yeah I was kind of disgusted with the pair of them. I don’t understand how anyone could stay with their partner if they cheated on them. I know me personally I couldn’t do it not even for my kids which I think is a pathetic reason to stay with anyone as is money.

@YukiCarrot

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

Why were you shocked?

They're all at it!! 🤣

A lot of people saying "good people do bad things" As if that makes it ok

Like a previous poster said it is the lack of stigma that has made it so commonplace. Quite true

Shameful indeed no matter how common it is.

People who are found out should be punished openly like a criminal sentence and given something like a criminal record which they ask on forms. That will make people think twice before cheating on someone or breaking their heart.

Religion used to do this before but now they have made religion itself taboo.

I knew a woman in a very abusive relationship. She attempted to leave and he found her. He was powerful (influential) and capable of discovering her location. She eventually met a guy and had an affair. He found out and had the guy badly beaten by his henchmen to the point where she could never see him again or it would be worse for him...

You would have this woman punished would you?
When she is with an utterly vile criminal who seems to be above the law?

I don't think there ever has been a lot of stigma among the rich and powerful. As with religion, morality is used to keep the plebs in their place, to control women. Unfortunately for the powerful, the plebs are starting to expect the morality that's been forced on them to be upheld by the powerful too and it's harder to keep it quiet in a world with social media, a less deferential press and hidden cameras.

I think it's pretty common but I don't agree with those who say we're just not cut out for monogamy. It's a cultural thing. Modern culture tells us to seek happiness, that we deserve the best, that we have a right to all kinds of wonderful things but hardly ever talks about the responsibilities. It's hardly surprising that the end result is that a lot of people treat other people as commodities and sex as a 'right' or a 'service'.

I know lots of people who have had affairs.

I just stay away,don't engage in this conversation and try not to judge.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, and I think different strokes for different folks.

Whilst it's not something I plan to do, I can see how a series of bad decisions can lead good people into a bad situation, and the consequences are theirs to handle.

I am not prepared to write someone off as a terrible person though because of it though.