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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop breastfeeding

120 replies

ohthestruggles · 23/06/2021 21:13

Posted here for traffic really, this may well be moved to a more relevant topic but I'm getting desperate.

Two week old has been 'cluster feeding' for 6 hours today, he and I are absolutely exhausted. He's getting on and falling asleep I just don't think he has the energy to get what he needs when it goes on for so long. He has slept for 10-20 min spells but thats it. I have given him a formula top up (40ml) and he's gone straight to sleep and is content Confused I feel awful, I've persevered as that's what ever HV and midwife tells you to do but have I gone too far and just made him tired and hungry? Having a serious mum guilt battle of wether to continue this, stress both me and my baby boy out or just give him formula which will ensure he is definitely fedSad I feel like I've starved him but I've just persevered as I was advised to do and let him 'feed on demand'.

He doesn't have tongue tie and these 6 hour bouts of feeding on and off have been for the last 5 days or so. It's exhausting but I ultimately want what's best for him.

Please be gentle, he's my first baba and I didn't realise how strongly you feel for them and just want the absolute best for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 23/06/2021 21:16

Just realised I haven't even asked a question here. I know this is probably a fairly common thing that occurs with newborns, did you persevere or switch to FF?

OP posts:
SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 23/06/2021 21:16

Personally I perservered and was really glad I did. Beyond those difficult first two months breastfeeding was amazing bonding time for us (I know non--BF also obviously bond with their babies but for us breastfeeding was great). It's impossible to say whether it'll be worth it for you though.

HollyGarland · 23/06/2021 21:17

Aww OP. Deep breaths. You’re doing great.

Cluster feeding is totally normal. It’s exhausting, but it’s not a sign that your baby isn’t getting enough milk (assuming weight gain is good and nappies are normal). It’s the baby’s way of building up and stabilising your supply. It does eventually come to an end and your supply regulates.

You can, of course, stop breastfeeding at any time and for any reason. Don’t continue if you’re miserable and want to stop. But if you do want to continue and are just worried that the cluster feeding means your baby isn’t getting enough milk, please be reassured that that isn’t the case. It’s just a normal stage in establishing breastfeeding.

SaborDeSoledad · 23/06/2021 21:18

I persevered and this is a common feature of breastfeeding, but honestly, the best thing is for you both to be happy and if that means formula, do it. Flowers

HollyGarland · 23/06/2021 21:18

Should also say - I found the cluster feeding stage hard but I persevered and I’m glad I did. It’s now so easy and convenient, and of course it’s free. But just because it was right for me doesn’t mean it is right for you; you may make a different decision and that’s fine. Don’t feel guilty. Just do what is right for you and your baby.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 23/06/2021 21:19

You do whatever you need to do! My eldest, I had so many problems breastfeeding, was sore, he wouldn't latch, he needed so much milk, my milk didn't come in quickly etc etc etc. I felt awful but eventually I gave up and formula fed him. We were both so much happier (except we did get judgement from HCPs and even strangers Shock).

All babies are different, my youngest took to breastfeeding immediately and we did it for 9 months with 0 issues.

You don't need to ask permission to formula feed. It's entirely up to you. Happy mum, happy baby.

shouldistop · 23/06/2021 21:19

I persevered and I'm really glad I did.

How are his nappies?

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 23/06/2021 21:20

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches I do enjoy it when his latch is good and I know he's content after a feed. These 6 hour feedathons where I just can't seem to comfort or feed him well are so upsetting. But I worry that if I turn my back on it I'll regret it.

@HollyGarland it's hard to make the decision and I don't know if I'm ready to stop completely, I just find it upsetting that he's settled with a small amount of formula and I've been feeding him for 6 hours with no comfort atall to him Sad he's 2oz away from birthweight after a traumatic delivery and a dramatic weight loss so we have done well with both BF and some small formula top ups as needed (30ml 2-3 times a day), plenty of wet and dirty nappies which is why I'm struggling to understand it!

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 23/06/2021 21:21

Ok firstly, stop with the guilt- you're doing great!
Second, if you want to stop, stop. If bf isn't working for you or baby for any reason, it's completely ok to switch to formula.
Third, if you want to keep going with bf, have a look at some of the bf groups online. Try to eat and rest well and try to avoid mix feeding at this stage as it'll reduce your supply. The cluster feeding honestly doesn't last long (it just feels like that at the time!). I reneger really wanting to stop at this point with my first, but kept going with lots of support and it improved really quickly. Ended up getting for at least 18 months with each dc.
Whatever you decide, try to be kind to yourself, this isn't easy and you're doing great!

tnetenba · 23/06/2021 21:21

As above, he's just building your supply, putting his orders in for the next day. It's really draining and tiring but it's not a sign that he isn't getting enough. I persevered through this stage and I'm really glad that I did.

It's absolutely OK to stop breastfeeding when you're ready obviously but the best advice I got was that if I wanted to stop to do it on a good day, don't quit on a bad day. Then you're less likely to regret stopping.

You're doing amazing to have gotten to 2 weeks and you should be really proud of yourself Flowers.

Fitforforty · 23/06/2021 21:24

Yep it’s all normal. Ff babies often go through being unsettled because they are programmed to cluster feed but they can’t digest the milk quick enough.

That been said it’s fine to give the occasional top up or stop all together if it’s what you would prefer.

HollyGarland · 23/06/2021 21:24

Sounds like you’re doing brilliantly.

Formula is a little thicker and slower to digest that breastmilk, so it does sometimes fill them up more. Breastfed babies generally need to feed more frequently. But that doesn’t mean cluster feeding is a sign that he is struggling - it’s very normal newborn behaviour. Breastfeeding is a relationship in which both you and your baby play a role, and his role at the moment is building your supply. It’s hard to put up with hours of fussiness, but please don’t worry that your baby is suffering for it or that something is wrong - it sounds like you’re both doing really well Flowers

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 23/06/2021 21:26

Thank you! I've done better today as he's cluster fed through the day rather than night, the nights are really isolating and I get to the point of 'I can't do this' crying. Then we're both crying and stressed and it just doesn't work. He is sometimes very content with a 20-40 min feed, however these looooong periods of constant feeding are becoming more common!

OP posts:
Micemakingclothes · 23/06/2021 21:29

Get through the first 3 weeks and then the next 3 weeks. Af

shouldistop · 23/06/2021 21:29

I know it's hard. Try to teach him night from day. My best tips are;

Wake at the same time each day, feed him in a bright room to signal the fact that it's morning and go to bed at the same time every night. Keep it dark and quiet overnight.

Do you have a partner who can help you? In the early days dh used to burp, settle and change overnight so I was literally only feeding.

Micemakingclothes · 23/06/2021 21:30

Ugh

Get through the first 3 weeks and then the next 3 weeks. After that 6 weeks, it almost always gets easier. There may still be challenges, but if you can make it to 6 weeks, you can make it.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 23/06/2021 21:32

@shouldistop yes my partner is really supportive but is a farmer so harvest will be approaching soon and I will have to be on my own, that isn't negotiable unfortunately although DS will probably be past the 6 week mark by then. He is currently doing the settling, burping etc as I think baby boy can smell that I am the milk machine and goes mad for me if I'm not feeding him.

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 23/06/2021 21:34

I persevered too. Weeks 1-6 are the hardest. Gets easier after that. Ended up feeding for 2 years. I know it's hard but I promise it does get easier.

shouldistop · 23/06/2021 21:34

I agree with pp. I used to say to myself, I'll just make it to 6 weeks. Then I got to 6 weeks and i thought well actually I could do until 12 weeks as it's not too bad now. Sometime around / after 6 weeks it just became so easy.
Ds2 is almost 7 months, his feeds take literally 5 minutes. No prep required.

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with formula but my advice would be not to decide to stop breastfeeding on a bad day. If you get through the first few weeks and you still want to stop then definitely stop and you'll have made a fully informed decision.

Just10moreminutesplease · 23/06/2021 21:35

No one is ever unreasonable for choosing to stop breastfeeding. Just take each day as it comes and do what feels right to you.

How you feed your baby is just one of a million ways you’ll nurture them. As long as they are fed, you are doing great Flowers.

shouldistop · 23/06/2021 21:35

Does the baby have a dummy? I know some people don't like them but if weight gain is good then I don't see the problem with giving one at this stage.

SBAM · 23/06/2021 21:35

Formula top ups don’t mean you have to stop breastfeeding, combo-feeding is a valid choice. My son had reflux and was a bad sleeper so until weaning he had at least one bottle of formula a day, in the evening so I could get to bed early and get a few uninterrupted hours sleep while he was with his dad. If it’s working for you then carry on.

cindarellasbelly · 23/06/2021 21:36

Honestly OP, the first three weeks were really really hard, the next few weeks were different but had their struggles, from about 2 months on I never had a moment's difficulty and fed till she was 2. It was so easy a way to comfort her, I enjoyed it so much.

So I struggle with these a bit - the non-negotiable is your mental health, and if breastfeeding is stopping you enjoying your child then its better to stop. But its all a bit hard at the start, so if its manageable to push through, often people find its worth it. Only you can decide exactly where you fall. But yes, I cried in the evenings, I thought something was wrong, sometimes it went well, sometimes she screamed and couldn't latch. I would recommend advise from La leche League and maybe even a lactation consultant, but it eventually fell into place for us and was really lovely. Equally: I wasn't breastfed, I have a great relationship with my mum, its a nice thing to do but it will seem less critical as time goes on. My gut always says to advise people so early on to push through because I know so many people its worked out for but is not the best path for everyone.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 23/06/2021 21:39

@shouldistop thank you! I tried a dummy yesterday, it upset me to see him with that shoved in his mouth. He spat it out anyway. And I have never ever judged anyone for giving a dummy, they don't bother me in the slightest but seeing my own with one in his mouth freaked me out for some reason Confused fully ready for people to say I'm odd for that but it just gave me a strange feeling.

He has had it a few times since then but isn't keen so far.

Being a new mum brings about a lot of feelings I didn't know I would ever have for some reason and I was utterly unprepared for it.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 23/06/2021 21:39

Best advice I got was not to stop on a bad day.

If you're having a good breastfeeding day and you still want to stop then it's the right choice for you.

Also, I remember during cluster feeds just thinking through the steps of making up formula.... putting baby on the boob just seemed so much easier

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