To stop breastfeeding

[ohthestruggles]

Posted here for traffic really, this may well be moved to a more relevant topic but I'm getting desperate.

Two week old has been 'cluster feeding' for 6 hours today, he and I are absolutely exhausted. He's getting on and falling asleep I just don't think he has the energy to get what he needs when it goes on for so long. He has slept for 10-20 min spells but thats it. I have given him a formula top up (40ml) and he's gone straight to sleep and is content I feel awful, I've persevered as that's what ever HV and midwife tells you to do but have I gone too far and just made him tired and hungry? Having a serious mum guilt battle of wether to continue this, stress both me and my baby boy out or just give him formula which will ensure he is definitely fed I feel like I've starved him but I've just persevered as I was advised to do and let him 'feed on demand'.

He doesn't have tongue tie and these 6 hour bouts of feeding on and off have been for the last 5 days or so. It's exhausting but I ultimately want what's best for him.

Please be gentle, he's my first baba and I didn't realise how strongly you feel for them and just want the absolute best for them.

Ahh the early days are hard. You're adjusting to being a parent and the responsibilities that brings plus all of the physical and hormonal difficulties and changes.
I promise it gets easier.

@Twizbe this is the thing, on a good day/morning whatever it is, I don't want to stop. In the middle of a feeding marathon/frenzy I could totally reach for the formula and make up a full bottle but something tells me not to pack it in completely. However, seeing him fed and content tonight I felt horrendously guilty like I'd starved him for hours and made a very selfish decision to persevere for so long.

Do whatever you need to do.
You need to shower, eat, shop, housework etc
Mine were all BF but they all had a bottle at night to hopefully get them to sleep slightly longer. I also think it’s a good idea for a baby to be able to take a bottle in case there’s ever a situation where you can’t BF your baby.

Yes they can definitely smell the milk. DD head butted me during cluster feeding to get the milk to let down faster.
I found eating calorie dense food and drinking more than I thought I needed helped.
IF you want to switch do but you are at the most exhausting stage and in a few weeks it will be easier and by 12 weeks it will be a doddle
During the night feeds I used to play games on my phone, then I switched to online surveys. I average about £50 a month from doing a surveys whilst feeding. It just gave me something else to focus on. You might want to watch Netflix for example.

I persevered but I found it quite hard. What helped me was thinking of milestones where I would take stock and stop if I wanted to - so I told myself I'd do it for the first three weeks, then when I got there I decided I could carry on to 6 weeks, and so on. She's 7 months now and still breast feeding, so that worked for me.

The other thing which helped me practically in the cluster feed stage was feeding lying down so my arms and back got a break. Just make sure you're either not going to fall asleep or you're set up for safe co-sleeping, or both!

However, do stop if you need to and don't feel guilty. Your baby needs you happy and functioning well more than your milk.

[quote ohthestruggles]@Twizbe this is the thing, on a good day/morning whatever it is, I don't want to stop. In the middle of a feeding marathon/frenzy I could totally reach for the formula and make up a full bottle but something tells me not to pack it in completely. However, seeing him fed and content tonight I felt horrendously guilty like I'd starved him for hours and made a very selfish decision to persevere for so long. [/quote]
Then likely you would regret stopping.

Don't feel guilty though. I remember one night after a major cluster feed just giving baby to dad and rolling over to sleep. I'm sure baby was fine (or if they weren't dad was clever enough to not tell me) I needed that sleep at that time

@DinosaurDiana I feel like I literally am just feeding him. I had to wait til DP came back this morning for my food as I hadn't been able to put DS down. This does worry me as he does have to work and I will have to semi-function as something other than a milk machine at some point!

You’re doing great. If you want to persevere then go for it, you can always try giving formula if you need a break at night or something. But if you want to give up completely then it’s fine. Don’t make yourself ill over it.

Cluster feeding absolutely does not mean your baby is starving. As long as nappies are good you don't need to worry about that.
Giving formula during cluster feeding isn't great actually as it can affect future supply if given too much. I don't say that to make you feel bad and indeed combination feeding is a perfectly good way of feeding but just make an informed decision. If you give a regular bottle then you might have to keep giving that regular bottle unless you want to do a lot of hard work with a pump.

Of course yanbu!

You’ll get lots of people saying they kept going and are glad, so I wanted to share my own perspective too. Often people don’t feel able to share if their bf journey didn’t work out so well. I persevered and really regret having done so. Bf exclusively was never physically possible for us and I deeply regret the stress I put myself through trying to force it for nine long months. There are lots of benefits to bf and formula and neither one is best for everyone. It depends totally on you and your baby. I loved breastfeeding itself and wished I could have done it forever, but on balance it was the wrong decision for us to keep going and it would have been far better for me, baby, my mental health, and our family as a whole to switch to formula much, much sooner.

If you want to stop bf then that’s the right decision for you. For some it gets easier, for others it doesn’t, so you can only go by how you feel in the here and now. Whichever way you feed your baby they will thrive, and if bf isn’t or doesn’t feel doable for you that’s no reflection on you in any way. Fed is best and we are so lucky to have options, good luck.

Please don’t feel discouraged if you get lots of encouragement to carry on but it isn’t right for you: people are quick to try and encourage breastfeeding but I think it’s important too to highlight that what’s best for you as a family might not be that and to empower you to make the decision for yourself. Combo feeding is a great option, exclusive bf is a great option, exclusive formula feeding is a great option. Whatever way you go from here have the confidence that you know what’s best for you and your baby, nobody else here does

@shouldistop

Cluster feeding absolutely does not mean your baby is starving. As long as nappies are good you don't need to worry about that. Giving formula during cluster feeding isn't great actually as it can affect future supply if given too much. I don't say that to make you feel bad and indeed combination feeding is a perfectly good way of feeding but just make an informed decision. If you give a regular bottle then you might have to keep giving that regular bottle unless you want to do a lot of hard work with a pump.

I never had a problem with supply. Giving that bottle made no difference whatsoever.

@mayblossominapril 🤣🤣 my 6mo growls and punches my boobs at his 7pm bedtime feed as my milk is slower at that time and he's tired.

My partner does think I am a bit hard on myself. I feel a lot more strongly about wanting BF to work out because we didn't have the birth I wanted/thought would be possible. I had an antepartum haemorrhage and things were taken completely out of my hands which I had never even considered may happen. Hypnobirthing should come with a warning and I realise now my expectations were perhaps too high.

I never had a problem with supply. Giving that bottle made no difference whatsoever.

Yeah the odd bottle wouldn't matter, I mean a regular bottle. Say every day for a week then there's the risk that your supply changes to match the smaller demand from your baby. Which is obviously totally fine if you're choosing to combi feed.

I persevered BF and hated it for almost two years!

Why don't you try combi feeding? Then it's best of both worlds

Hypnobirthing should come with a warning, it can make women feel inadequate when it doesn't go 'right'. I'm sorry you had a tough experience.

[quote ohthestruggles]@DinosaurDiana I feel like I literally am just feeding him. I had to wait til DP came back this morning for my food as I hadn't been able to put DS down. This does worry me as he does have to work and I will have to semi-function as something other than a milk machine at some point! [/quote]
And at some point you will. It won't be like this forever.

One thing your partner can do to help is make you some food when he gets up. Pop a sandwich in the fridge for example. Get him to fill a bottle of water for you as well.

I stopped after 2 weeks and moved to formula and it was the best decision I ever made. I now have a very healthy 7 year old.

Do what works best for you and don't beat yourself up.

Fed is best.

@Horehound

I persevered BF and hated it for almost two years!

Why don't you try combi feeding? Then it's best of both worlds

I've thought about it but because his feeding is all over the place I wouldn't be able to pin point a replacement feeding time if that makes sense? His cluster feeding can be morning, noon, night or both or all three. I don't know when to say enoughs enough and give him the bottle. I think because everyone and the HCP's have advised me to let him cluster feed I didn't want to interfere too much with it. But it did become too much tonight after 6 hours and I could see his wee eyes getting heavy but he was still so upset.

It sounds like little one building up your supply. Headbutting your breast? Fussing? Fighting when trying to latch on? On and off breast quickly and crying in between? All normal and a sign that they're getting enough to encourage your supply to increase for the next day. Formula takes longer to digest so they might seem more settled afterwards but you're not comparing like with like.

The first couple of months ebf are hard. It can feel relentless with constant feeding. It does ease off and if you can stick it out its really convenient (and cheap).

At night have you tried bf on your side? I found this a real breakthrough in terms of getting enough sleep.

It sounds like you're doing great. Definitely see if you can join a bf support group (in person is best if you can). Hope you're ok whatever you decide

Try to get some sleep op, tomorrow is another day. If he's been cluster feeding for 5 days now you might find that's this growth spurt done.

@shouldistop it was an amazing but also shit experience, they got him here safely and we were both okay but it was scary and I lost a lot of blood, felt dyer for ages afterwards and got really crap aftercare on the hell hole postnatal ward. I ended up coming home when I maybe wasn't quite ready as I just needed away from the place and got re admitted a few days later because I was exhausted and anaemic. So we didn't have a great start but again, not a unique experience just something that not too many people talk about.

This is exactly why I think more honesty about BFing is needed, you and your baby are totally normal and going through totally normal things. That doesn’t mean it’s incredibly draining (scuse the pun) because it is! Very very draining, and quite frankly, if someone didn’t end up touched out they must be super human because hours of ANYONE tweaking at my nip and I’m ready for a fight 😂.

Loads of things you said resonated with me, like not liking seeing him with a dummy and the guilt, I can’t explain why but the thought of him with a dummy or formula (even express milk) at first just went through me. Almost as if I felt it was solely my job to provide all the suckling needs of my new baby, which whilst that’s just what biology did to my brain were a western society and I realised that I enjoy almost all the benefits/tools that come along with it for myself. Now I have a baby that can include formula and dummys. I ended up switching at 8m for FF but we used a dummy pretty soon.

You’re not doing a bad thing by giving formula; as an adult I could get my calcium from leafy greens but I smash yoghurts and cheese like it’s going out of fashion. There is nothing wrong with that. Just like there’s nothing wrong with your baby having dairy. I’m assuming you’re not a vegan family(?).

@ohthestruggles

My partner does think I am a bit hard on myself. I feel a lot more strongly about wanting BF to work out because we didn't have the birth I wanted/thought would be possible. I had an antepartum haemorrhage and things were taken completely out of my hands which I had never even considered may happen. Hypnobirthing should come with a warning and I realise now my expectations were perhaps too high.

When I was pregnant I thought I’d give bf a try, and if it didn’t work out no worries, happy with formula.

Had an awful birth. Baby arrived and I was absolutely 100% determined to breastfeed at all costs. Felt like I’d failed him at birthing him and been a shit mum at that so I needed to bf, because all I’d heard my entire pregnancy was about how it’s best for baby.

Unfortunately my body had other ideas and I couldn’t produce enough milk despite triple feeding while on prescription drugs for supply. I worked myself into the ground for nine months nursing, giving two bottles, pumping and never sleeping, while taking drugs that can give you Parkinson’s symptoms. All to be able to bf.

Eventually I stopped at 9m because my supply finally fully disappeared. Thank god, or I’d still be going. I was determined to reach two years.

Honestly, parenthood can make you crazy. You get ideas about what’s best for your baby and run with them despite all evidence to the contrary. The pressure, shame, guilt.

He’s 18m now and it literally doesn’t matter how he was fed, there’s just no difference between the children at nursery who were fed one way or another, nobody even knows or can tell, it’s irrelevant.

This feels huge now. But whatever you end up doing, one day you’ll look back and understand that whether you fed him breast milk or formula milk, he was going to thrive. And you are worth so much more as a mother than what your breasts produce. Try be kind to yourself and listen when you realise your expectations might be a bit too high, you have to do what’s right for you. It’s a cliche but ‘happy mum happy baby’ really is the best advice.

Cluster feeding sucks. But it really really doesn't last forever and it is so worth it in the end.