To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

I don't want to sound mean but in kindest way possible I would advise you to find something else to think about. Volunteer at a food bank or for a charity and get some perspective on the kinds of issues people around you are dealing with.

You are far too invested in this friendship and present drama, it's not healthy.

Are you12? Grow up!

I have a group of friends from college and we never buy one another presents now and haven't for years, and not for our kids either. We all have enough stuff and are capable of buying pink gin and chocolate for ourselves if we wanted it. I'd suggest stopping the group thing and people just spend a tenner or £15 on one another if they want to.

I think your partner, mother and other friends are right.

What do you get out of this friendship anyway?

How old are you OP? I’m not being snarky. Maturity and life experiences make a difference as to how you see things.

It seems you feel undervalued within the friendship group and see the gifts as representative of your worth.

Apart from the gifts are you happy with the group dynamic? Are you happy to spend time with them, do you look forward to group chats, are they there if you need a shoulder to cry on?

True friendship doesn’t rely on expensive gifts (or any gifts). I think you need to give some thought as the group dynamic and recognise your reasons for wanting to remain a part of it or whether you are getting nothing from it and would be happier if you distanced yourself. Only you can make that decision 💐

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Are you12? Grow up!

These ‘are you 12?’ posts always seem way more immature than the OPs that trigger them.

The thing is though its not my choice to spend more or less on them. We do group presents. I am consistently being asked to spend upwards of £15 on each of them because they want to buy each other special gifts. But what they're spending on me is no more than £10 each, probably less, every time. If we bought for each other individually and they always spent less on me, then I could just choose to spend less on them. But since its as a group I don't have that option.

I actually get you OP, its not the value of the presents its the fact that you have been friends with these girls for a while and the fact is they don't know you well enough to buy you presents that you would like. Its not amount monetary value, they are buying presents for the rest of the crew that they would love. But yours are generic rush to the shops one,. I am in similar situation with my family, for some strange reason my sister and mother who should know me really well, buy me stuff that i am like really when i open them. My sister got me a set of yankee candles for my birthday. Now yes there are people that like yankee candles but i am not one of them. I hate them. The box is sitting in the spare room and i will re gift it soon. Yet a good friend of mine bought me a lovely bottle of Rose wine. Now the yankee candle set cost more than the wine however i appreciated the wine more. Its like when my mother buy me a birthday cake, its always chocolate, i hate chocolate cake and refuse a piece every time. Its a wider issue of how they value your friendship. In my case i have risen above it and taken a step back, i also don't put much effort into present buying for both my mother and sister. in your case i would do two things rise above this and take a step back from this friendship and have a quite word with one of them you are closest too and trust . Try and make new friends who appreciate you more

Sorry forgot to mention my last comment was in response to Maggiesfarm

So I have a group of friends where we buy birthday presents for each other - we have a set amount £25 each (we have known each other for a long time and are best friends). Can you suggest a set amount each? Suggest it to make it easier for everyone

Also are you hard to buy for? I know I am hard to buy for so I tell them what I would like

I recently had an incident which made it clear that, with one of my friends, she's been more important to me than I was to her

Yes, it hurt. Yes, I took it personally

But, that's life. Not nice, but we have to accept it sometimes

I dealt with it by acknowledging to myself that she's still a friend, I'll still enjoy her company, but we're not as close as I'd thought. Not great, but I can live with that. It's one of life's ups and downs

Maybe you would be better to opt out of the joint presents, and buy your own? Or stop looking online to check prices

Ok - why don't you decide that post-pandemic and lockdown, each of you is going to start an Amazon Wish List and friends could contribute to something on that list rather than having to guess what each other wants, you already know but come birthday times, you won't know exactly what someone has bought for you (they don't have to buy off the list, they could buy from a different retailer but the list would be acting like a guide in that situation).
Would that help do you think?

Oh, and as for not having an option to spend less on them, you did have an option, the others were going to make up the difference in your contribution, but you refused that option for whatever reasons you felt at the time were valid.

Hmmm but OP, if they are happy for you to only contribute what you can afford then what is the issue?? If they have lived together and are closer so want to get each other more expensive presents than they get you - that's just the way it is. But you would presumably be getting them a present anyway (since they do buy you one) so why not accept their offer to only contribute what you can afford??

It's easy to cut off friends - but what will your social life look like without them? They are close because they lived together, of course they are. You can't change those circumstances, and force people to like you equally. But you can accept and enjoy the benefits of the friendship without getting upset over the cost of presents. What are the chances of you meeting another group of friends where you are treated equally and adored equally?

For context, I've had a uni group of 4 girls for the last 14 years. When one of them got married, she picked only 2 of them to be bridesmaids as they were closer having flat shared. And she only wanted 2. It didn't even occur to me to get upset or leave the group. What I got from them were people to socialise with, chat with and hang with. I didn't need to be liked the exact same. And understood why the 3 were closer. Now, 5 years after the wedding, the same girl has moved closer to me and we are the only 2 without kids so we've gotten closer in the group. Point being groups chop and change, but a bunch of people who do include you, invite you to things and like your company is invaluable.

You don’t need to end the friendship. But you could say you want to drop out of presents

In most friendship groups some bonds are closer and stronger than others. A and B say, "Shall we go out Friday?" They check with C, who's up for it, and it's on. A says, "I'll text D, and say where we're going."

In other words, it's going to happen whether D can make it or not.

Whereas if D suggested to A that they go out, there'd be a flurry of texts and if neither B nor C could make it, it wouldn't happen.

In some groups you're A. In some groups, you're D. It's not that big a deal - well, unless you feel you're never A.

That'd be a different AIBU though.

I do group presents with a group of friends and we have a rough budget which is £35 each. It helps everyone to know this. It's been going on for many years so occasionally it went up. We also have a similar arrangement for our kids' birthday presents for £15 each. It's quite normal among my friends to agree a rough budget. It may sound calculated but it helps everyone with budgeting and also if they give any requests about what they'd like.

I think it's the thought or the lack of it that is upsetting. With one group of friends we put a lot of effort into planning one friend's 30th present. For my 40th a couple of years later, I got a Body Shop set, very late.

Who still buys adult friends gifts?
Unless invited to an event I dont and even when going to a party I seem to be the only one that does.

Also just dont do group gifts, I never understood the point buy what YOU decide to buy.

@mam0918

Who still buys adult friends gifts? Unless invited to an event I dont and even when going to a party I seem to be the only one that does.

Also just dont do group gifts, I never understood the point buy what YOU decide to buy.

Me and my friendship group. We either do individual gifts or we club together for an event or weekend away For the birthday person ( we all go together). But we always do gifts for each other.

@AMidsummerNight

The thing is though its not my choice to spend more or less on them. We do group presents. I am consistently being asked to spend upwards of £15 on each of them because they want to buy each other special gifts. But what they're spending on me is no more than £10 each, probably less, every time. If we bought for each other individually and they always spent less on me, then I could just choose to spend less on them. But since its as a group I don't have that option.

When you say every time you mean twice right?

when sharing a collective equally... all equal effort/input/output.. then things are nicely balanced...

but when one share gives effort and input equally but consistently receives much less output ... than the others.. then thats calculated and pretty shady..

YANBU

You are giving it too much thought, OP, but I see where you come from. I don't understand group gifts either unless it's a creative project like a Smartshow 3d video made by a group of friends or a friends' group trip etc. It certainly doesn't work for you, so it's better to opt out.

I get why your upset OP. It's the equivalent of the other women being given a velvetiser hot chocolate maker and you are given the battery milk whisk from a department store gift section.

It sucks.

@WalkingOnTheCracks

In most friendship groups some bonds are closer and stronger than others. A and B say, "Shall we go out Friday?" They check with C, who's up for it, and it's on. A says, "I'll text D, and say where we're going."

In other words, it's going to happen whether D can make it or not.

Whereas if D suggested to A that they go out, there'd be a flurry of texts and if neither B nor C could make it, it wouldn't happen.

In some groups you're A. In some groups, you're D. It's not that big a deal - well, unless you feel you're never A.

That'd be a different AIBU though.

You hit nail on the head - absolutely spot on.

I do feel for you OP and I get why you're upset and you're not BU.

It's a tricky situation because A,B &C will continue with their current gift situation with or without your £10.
You then might have to sit through one of them opening up their big gift when you meet up for their birthday and you've not contributed, but bought a separate gift.
It's horrible feeling like an outsider.

I think organizing the escape room without letting you know is dreadful. It sounds very much like 'this is what we're doing/buying, join us or not...'
I think I'd take a step back and see if anyone notices or comments/asks you are you OK etc. and if they don't, then I think you have your answer.

I didn't expect to get this many replies! Only just finished reading through them all.

So to explain the 3 months or a year thing...what I meant was that they started flat sharing about three months before I joined the group. Then there was a year of them all sharing the flat and me visiting a lot for meet ups. Then friend C moved out of the flat and since then it has just been the other two living together. But in terms of actually knowing each other, they only had a three month head start before I came along and we have spent a lot of time together over the years. We shared a two week holiday in Europe all together in 2019.

I definitely feel like the odd one out in the group and I'm realising that my feelings about the presents are very much to do with this. I have been trying to ignore it and tell myself that I'm being silly to think that they don't value me as much, but it seems from a lot of comments that I should just accept this as a reality.

It's not just the presents that have been upsetting me. They all regularly post things on the group chat - articles, links, funny stories etc and always reply and engage with each other. I've noticed over the last year especially that whenever I post things there's little or no response. Friend C is the only one who tends to reply with a 'haha' and I feel like she's just being nice and not wanting to completely ignore like the other two. I know that they talk to each other individually more than they do with me. Sometimes when they post screenshots of their phone to the group chat I can see the FB messenger thing in the corner showing that two of them are having a private conversation as well as the group chat. I'm always the last to know things. Recently on the chat they were discussing Friend B's new romance which the other two seemed completely informed about, but this was the first I'd heard of it. They'll often say things like 'oh yeah and I have that thing on Saturday' and the other two are saying 'oh yeah, which dress did you go with in the end?' And I'm there not knowing what they're talking about.

One thing that really upset me and I didn't understand at all, considering the above, was that last year when lockdown was just lifting in the summer, Friend B wanted to arrange for me, her and Friend A to meet up in the garden. (Friend C lives other side of the country now whereas we're pretty close). She was talking to me privately (out of all three of them I am closest with her and we do speak individually more than I do with the others, although still not that much). She was saying that she would try to find out when Friend A was free. She told me the next day that Friend A had snapped and said 'I can't, I have to work. My work is important you know.' So the next day Friend B just happened to be walking through my area on her way home from work, called me and said 'can I come over now?' I said yes, she came, we sat in the garden for a few hours and had a really lovely time chatting and laughing. A few days later Friend A announced on the main group chat that she wanted an apology from both me and Friend B for meeting up without her, without even asking if she were free. I tried to explain that I was told by Friend B that she wasn't available and that Friend B just showed up, it wasn't deliberately excluding her. Friend B tried to explain that she just happened to be passing my house, seemed to make sense...Friend A was having none of it and in the end we both had to send private messages and grovel. What I don't get is that I know for a fact that Friend A and Friend B have met up together lots of times without the other two of us, posting pictures on FB in a cafe for example, that I knew nothing about. They also went off on mini break together without asking either of the other two of us. So why was Friend A so outraged and 'hurt' at Friend B popping in to see me without her? It made me feel like she doesn't see me as a proper member of the group and I shouldn't be allowed to meet up on my own with one of them.

I also can't help thinking that they asked me to join the group presebt giving the year that Friend A got £70 spent on her, because the other two had this really long list of things they wanted to get her. I'm now thinking, was I invited to join the group gift giving at the point to help them afford the £70?

But when I said I might not be able to make the group meet up next month because of work, all three of them were trying to come up with ways that I could get there - "could you just come for the evening at least? Could you leave early in the morning?" So now I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.

I'm really not sure what to do going forward. If I receive another generic, cheaper present this year though I will definitely be telling them that £10 is my limit and I suppose if they want to cover me for it, I'll let them.

I'm not sure everyone on this thread is fully appreciating the difference between presents like Ciroc vodka (big bottle), a onesie, a fancy bra, necklace, perfume, Whittards coffee, trainers, pasta maker, earring hanger, incense burner
...vs gin liquor (very small bottle), Primark socks, chocolate. Not sure how people can justify that disparity!