To be upset about crap birthday gifts from friends?

[AMidsummerNight]

Short version: I am in a tight group of four friends and we do joint presents. Mine always cost less and are crappy whereas theirs are always really good, and I have to pay for them.

For Context:
We have been friends as a group of four, for 3 years. We met through work. They were all friends with each other before I joined the group, they lived together in a flat for a year before I got close with them. I spent a lot of time at their flat for girls nights and we also had a lot of nights out together. Friend C has now moved out of the flat and has her own place in another part of the UK. I am now living elsewhere so there's just Friend A and B still in the flat together. We don't meet up as a group very often anymore. They are my closest friends, but it can't be denied that they are closer to each other than they are with me (probably because they knew each other before and have lived with each other/are still living with each other)

For our birthdays we do group presents - so the other three all chip in for the fourth person's present. There is always a group chat created to discuss what present we are getting and how much we each need to pay towards it. I have a lot less money than all three of them but always pay whatever is needed, even if it's difficult. Every year I am part of three group 'birthday' chats on FB to discuss what we are buying for the 'birthday girl'. I never usually get a say in what is bought because the other two always come in with ideas from the start, based on what they know the person will want because of what they have said they want, or seem to need. I always feel a bit left out and useless because I don't live with them/haven't known them as long and so don't know what they have said/hinted at. This means that I just have to say 'yes that sounds good' and then pay whatever my share of the price works out to be.

I have noticed that each year I am always the one who has the least spent on me. I know this from googling what my gift cost, or just knowing the price. Due to Covid preventing us all from meeting up and all living in different parts of the country, I haven't yet had my birthday present from last November. The plan is to all meet up next month for a group birthday celebration and exchanging of presents that three of us haven't yet had. So I don't yet know what my present for this year is, but the last two years my gifts from all three of them were:

Year one: A bottle of pink gin, a bottle of (cheap) wine, box of Ferrero Rocher and a mini bag of Thornton's chocolates. Can't have been more than about 30 pounds. Meaning about 10 pounds each.
Year two: A small bottle of organic gin liquor and a few packs of socks from Primark...I googled the exact gin and found that it was 10 pounds. The packs of socks can't have been more than 20 pounds altogether. So that's 30, again about 10 pounds each (and that's being generous because the socks might not have been that much.)

As I said, I still don't know what my gift from last year is and will find out next month. Because their birthdays all fall earlier in the year than mine, I have now paid towards presents for all three of them, for three years. All of them have worked out as a minimum of 15 pounds per person, sometimes a lot more. In 2019 the long list of presents for friend A came to around 70 pounds, which I think was about 23 pounds per person. She got really expensive Ciroc vodka, perfume, jewellery etc...this year she is getting new trainers, an ear ring hanger and a personalised mug. Last year she got a Onesie that cost 70 pounds. Friend B has had coffee from Whittards 'because she loves it', books that she likes, clothes, perfume....Friend C has had a really expensive, fancy bra and a canvas painting of her favourite piece of artwork. Friend A in 2019 was the most expensive and I don't think it was fair to any of the other three of us because none of us have ever had 70 pounds worth of presents. But all of their presents have always been 15, 16, 17, or even 23 pounds each. While my two cannot have been more than 10 each, if not less than that.

It's not just about the money. It's that my presents have always been the generic alcohol and chocolates, whereas theirs have always been more thought out items that they know the person wants. I know that the three of them have known each other longer and are therefore closer/perhaps know more what they want/more inclined to spend money on each other, but I do talk to all of them every day, we have a group chat...and I have mentioned authors that I love and things I would love to buy but can't afford (which is usually how they decide on presents for each other). They know that I love books by Sophie Kinsella and that there a few new ones out that I don't yet have, they know that I want the full set of The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter, they know that I love candles and have wanted a nail set for ages but would never justify buying it for myself. Yet all I've had is alcohol and chocolates that cannot have come to more than 10 pounds per person. And three years in a row I have been paying out amounts like 15, 17, 23 for each of them to have thoughtful presents.

The celebrations are not equal either. For Friend A's birthday in 2019, as well as all the presents totalling 70 pounds, we went to a really posh cocktail bar, then an escape room and then back to the flat for takeaway. All had to be paid for by ourselves and I wasn't even asked about the escape room. The three of them agreed on it between them and I just got a message from Friend B saying 'I paid for your escape room ticket so you owe me 16 pounds'. I couldn't actually afford it at the time but couldn't really decline in that situation. I've always been of the opinion that if you want to do something for your birthday that your guests are expected to pay for, you need to check with them first before going ahead and booking it and then demanding money.

My partner, mother and other friends have said I need to tell this group of friends that I no longer want to join in with the group birthday presents. They think I'm being taken advantage of. I've been trying to work out for a while now what's happening - whether it's a conscious, deliberate thing to spend less on me or whether it's simply a case of not knowing what to get me and just going with the cheap/easy options. Even then, if it were me I would be saying 'ok so we have no idea what she really wants but she has paid a lot towards all of our expensive presents so let's get her the BEST chocolates and the BEST gin we possibly can, and throw in some perfume and smellies to make it up to the amount that we always have spent on us'.

My partner and others think I should just end this friendship. But I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm just being vain. So...I need other opinions. AIBU to be upset about the gift situation and if my gift for this year isn't decent, tell them I'm opting out of the group present buying?

Of course they are closer to each other than to you - they lived together. That doesn’t mean they don’t like you. You sound very insecure about your status.

I honestly don’t think these women can win with you. You only want to contribute a small amount, they say no worries. And you’re annoyed they won’t downgrade to a cheap gift for their flatmate on your say so but instead will make up the shortfall themselves? Get over yourself, OP. That’s completely unreasonable of you.

Tell them you’re opting out of the group present buying because your budget is tight. Job done.

@tallduckandhandsome

It’s entirely comparable. The OP is hyper-aware of her status within the group, explaining that the three others knew one another as flatmates before she met them, that one has since moved away, leaving the other two still living together and closest to one another — but that the other three seem to have far more ‘voice’ in the groups decisions about presents and birthday presents than the OP does, and that she feels like an outlier. Only a very status-conscious person would register so exactly all gifts given between a group for three years, and cost them up so exactly to determine where she ‘ranks’.

I disagree. I think the present issue is a symptom of a wider issue, yes, but OP's feelings are valid and extrapolating this into a comparison with your own friend is ridiculous.

I think it’s perfectly comparable. Both people’s actions are driven by what sounds like anxiety about where they ‘stand’ in relation to others. They sound as if they default to seeing situations in terms of a perceived pecking order — the OP is upset because her gifts are proof to her that she ranks lowest of four within her friendship group.

Presents really aren’t that important!! I don’t know why they spend less, maybe they don’t know you want the things you do. Maybe the other girls hint more. Maybe because they are closer they are just more confident in what to buy. They clearly like you and include you, and tbh it’s sounds like you have a great time with the escape room, bars, take away! It sounds like a fun group to be a part of! Just forget about the exact amount spent on presents, or hint that you’d love the new Sophie kinsella or HP series or whatever

OP, I think you are getting a hard time. I think the cost of presents and celebrations is in your mind because you've realised you are not so much part of the group as you thought. I would withdraw a bit, tell them that this year is the last year you want to do the group gift thing as you'd like to chose your own personal gift but still want to be part of the celebrations. I would also try and broaden your friendship group and not rely on this crowd so much. Tbh from what you've said it sounds like you aren't fully part of this group many years in which sounds a bit off to me.

@SheepGoBaaaa

I once had a flatmate who reminded me of you on this issue, OP — in any given situation, and despite being a 30something professional, she was like a child watching a cake being cut up, monitoring the size of all the slices, desperately afraid she was going to get a smaller slice than everyone else.

At big group restaurant meals, like for a conference or birthday party, she was always in visible anguish over the seating, calculating where the coolest/most high-status/popular people ended up sitting and where she was in relation to them, anxious and gloomy if she felt she was ‘among the outcasts’ on the edge of things. You’d often see her grabbing her coat and dashing off to another part of the table before everyone sat down to improve her placing, according to her own sense of where the high-status people were..

In short, she registered a hierarchy in any given situation, and was always afraid of getting less and ranking low. She was absolutely the type to google the costs of a friendship groups’ presents to see where she ranked.

She was absolutely exhausting to be around, bristling with status anxiety. OP, it’s no way to live.

Actually think this is an excellent comparison

You’re a latecomer to their friendship group and I’m sorry to say but they don’t value you as much as they do each other. It’s easy to see why- they haven’t known you as long and you didn’t live with them so naturally not as close. They’re buying you generic cheaper gifts because they’re not as close to you as they are to each other. It isn’t kind and isn’t fair but it’s down to you to decide whether you still want this friendship group or not.

I'm actually cringing for you op...this is all so petty.

Friendships should not be this hard work....I suspect your friends think you are

@AMidsummerNight

Just wanted to reply/clarify a few things...

There's been a few people replying without reading my full post. I don't see the point in you replying if you haven't read everything and fully understood the details?

I am googling the price of gifts because they were quite clearly cheaper than the others. I didn't need to google them to see that the other gifts were so much more expensive. I'm not just googling them for the sake of it.

A lot of people seem caught up in this idea that the prices are not that different - '10 vs 15 pounds.' But when I said 15, I meant that theirs are always a MINIMUM of 15. There's three people that I've been paying for, for three years. That's six gifts. They have been a range of amounts, the very lowest being 15 but some have often been a lot higher. Mine have only ever been 10 or less.

Again, it's less about the money and more about the lack of thought. I know they have known each other longer, but as I said it's really not like they don't know what I would want for presents. I have dropped hints, mentioned things that I'm into, mentioned that I want X but can't afford it....Still I just get alcohol and chocolates while they get really personal, thoughtful gifts that happen to cost a lot more and I have to pay towards them.

Someone said that I shouldn't expect to be treated the same as the rest of them if they are closer to each other than they are to me, and of course they will spend more on each other...fair enough, but I'm paying for their more expensive gifts. They wouldn't be able to buy each other such expensive gifts if I wasn't contributing. I'm not getting the same back. So how is that fair?

Last year I did actually say to two of them that I was finding it hard financially and could we maybe get a cheaper gift that just worked out to 10 pounds per person? The response from the other two was 'we'll cover you, don't worry. Just put in 10 and we'll cover the rest' because they were set on buying her an expensive gift. But that made me feel awkward and like the gift would be more from them than me. So I ended up saying that I would just pay the full amount. I don't know why they had to insist on getting an expensive present for Friend A, after I said I was struggling with money and could we keep it simple, when my presents are always cheap.

@AMidsummerNight

You
Sound
Like
Such
Hard
Work!

Also reading your follow up I’m confused. You initially said they had all lived together for a year before you got close to them, and in your follow up post you’ve said it was only a matter of months before you joined their group and therefore you are not a Jonny come lately?
Basically, the only aspect of the friendship you’ve told us about is the birthday process, which sounds unfair on you but understandable if they are all older/closer friends who have welcomed you into their group. If you feel valued and get enjoyment and fulfilment from this group then just explain to one of them that the gift process feels a little unbalanced on you as a newer friend and you’ll just put in a bit less than them to make it feel fairer.
If as a PP suggested, you have constant status anxiety in this friendship after three years, then it’s not good for your well-being so why would you be in the group at all.

Presents should be the least important aspect of this friendship, not the most important

Op, instead of sitting googling the price of your gifts and trying to get them to spend less on each other, why don’t you try to reframe it in your mind

You have friends who care enough about you to go and buy you presents for your birthday. Would you really prefer it you didn’t, because in your head the gifts just aren’t expensive enough or good enough for you? That you had no one other than family and partner giving a shit?

Is that really what you want? To loose your friends becayse your gifts cost a few quid less than theirs ?

This is all such a muddle of materialism and pettiness with some jealousy thrown in.
Op you don't need to spend more than you can afford for a start.be clear what you will spend.But to be honest,this is really not working for you and you could think about stopping it altogether and,if the friendship is unequal,perhaps finding new friends.
You are clearly unhappy and feel left out,so why continue with something that makes you feel this way?
Googling gift prices is really not great is it?
Find some friends where you live now and move upwards and onwards.

I understand why you're upset, OP. It's like the example of the PP who got a tea set despite not drinking hot drinks. It stints of an after thought.

I have had a similar case where a very old friend handed another friend a present, totally ignoring my recent milestone birthday. I reconsidered our friendship and realised I regarded it more highly than she did. Once it was straight in my head, I was able to enjoy the friendship in a more equal way. It was liberating!

I'm wondering how old you are?
I can see why you'd be upset.
My friends stopped giving me presents years ago. I used to be very good at sending their husbands birthday cards. Then one year my dh had two cards on the mantlepiece, one from me and one from my mum. I realised that they never sent cards for him. I was very hurt and never sent another card.

Next time the present chat rolls around say, “how about instead of presents going forwards we all just meet up for a nice day out together” - spending quality time with adult friends to me is much more fun and important than gifts. And much more memorable. You all get enjoyment out of it too. Pick a day out somewhere you’ll all enjoy - a new city to explore or a national trust place with a picnic.

This is a seriously weird thread. Do people really pretend to be good friends with others but then bitch and whine and write epic sad rants because they have decided they get shitty group birthday gifts while the others get 5star ones? Not to mention googling gift values to back up their research of shit gifts values? Dump these friends OP, and find some who will meet your needs of giving the same value gifts to the nearest £, it’s what you deserve.

@Snowpaw

Next time the present chat rolls around say, “how about instead of presents going forwards we all just meet up for a nice day out together” - spending quality time with adult friends to me is much more fun and important than gifts. And much more memorable. You all get enjoyment out of it too. Pick a day out somewhere you’ll all enjoy - a new city to explore or a national trust place with a picnic.

She can only expect that for her birthday, if she suggests it for the others it’s ok for them to say no.

@JustATypo

This is a seriously weird thread. Do people really pretend to be good friends with others but then bitch and whine and write epic sad rants because they have decided they get shitty group birthday gifts while the others get 5star ones? Not to mention googling gift values to back up their research of shit gifts values? Dump these friends OP, and find some who will meet your needs of giving the same value gifts to the nearest £, it’s what you deserve.

Or just have friends and agree not to buy each other presents at all. Why is it important, beyond your youth? Most people have everything they need, presents usually lie in cupboards or get taken to charity shops. Take someone out for a drink, make/buy them a cake. Christ, the crap that distracts women from the stuff they should really be getting annoyed about.

@CoRhona

I don't think it has been generic, they are buying you gin as I assume your drink of choice.

I'd agree. Not everyone would want pink gin as a gift, it's not something you get as a generic thing.

@VodkaSlimline

What is the point of pooling your money then buying several small things every time? You might as well just buy individual presents - you could still consult each other to enjoy planning and prevent duplication. Why not suggest that? Then you can simply say "my budget is £15 so I'll get the scented candle" or whatever.

Exactly what I thought.

I'd just suggest that the pot goes to £10 each. What you want to buy with that £40 is up to the birthday girl to give suggestions.

FWIW I just find it odd that you're buying each other gifts at though you're still in high school! Which adults organise things like this?! Just buy them a bottle and a candle or whatever, job done. Or is this some weird London thing?!

Are you sure you've got your prices correct? £10 for a gin or gin liqueur seems, very low to me, unless it was a miniature?

Wow. True friends don't even get embroiled in this petty sht. We occasionally forget each other's birthdays completely, it doesn't matter, we don't take it personally we know life is busy and that our friendship hinges on a lot more than remembering dates. Get a new set of mates, OP, because this malarkey is bat sht crazy!

I found this exhausting to read, OP.

The key question is, do you feel enriched and valued in these friendships? If not then get out and get some other friends. You can't whinge your way into them liking you more.

I wouldn't take it personally, friendships go off the boil sometimes.

Just buy individual presents. The combined presents are the same as smaller individual gifts.

Just buy them a bottle and a candle or whatever, job done. Or is this some weird London thing?!

Weird London thing?