What should I tell my sister? I don't want to tell her the full truth!

[glowyowy]

Ok so long story short my sister is a mortgage broker. I am in the process looking to buy a house with dh.

Without getting into it we have the cash necessary to buy a house outright. My sister does not know this...for two reasons

1. She talks A LOT and would find this great gossip.
2. She has an enormous jealousy problem.

So, she knows we are looking as it was hard to keep that a secret but now she is asking why we didn't use her as our broker. I don't know what to say. Either way she'll be upset/insulted/jealous and therefore angry.

What do I say? Lie? Or tell her the truth! Wwyd??

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep

You didn't want to mix money and family. Simple

Exactly. And if she then has a tantrum, she will have proven your point.

can someone explain the "conflict of interest" argument to me?

one of my cousins has arranged mortgages for other cousins. Not sure what is the potential CoI.

Just tell her that's very rude/nosey or whatever. When she has a paddy she just looks like a nutter and proves why you didn't want her involved.

Taking out a mortgage you don't need to avoid someone else's bad manners is balmy.

I'm going to have to tell the truth aren't I!?
ou speak as if the school bully is demanding your pocket money, why do you feel as if you have to subjugate yourself to her and Obey her

I would blame my husband.

Of course I would use you but my husband was absolutely insistent we shouldnt mix money and family. I think he wanted to use someone he could push hard if he wanted to move the process along.

So sorry!

Tell her you assumed it could be a conflict of interest and you didn't want anybody to make false accusations that could damage her professional reputation, considering that - and you didn't want to have to tell her but now she's forced your hand - you made wills at the same time as buying the house and you've arranged to leave a share of the house to her.

Then get a DIY codicil so that, should she survive you, she will learn as an old lady that she is now the very proud owner of half of the cat flap

Seriously, though, her profession doesn't sound at all well matched to somebody with such an unprofessionally loose tongue as she clearly has. Even if she gossips about somebody who is just a one-off client and not a friend at all, word and connections still spread.

@yeOldeTrout

can someone explain the "conflict of interest" argument to me?

one of my cousins has arranged mortgages for other cousins. Not sure what is the potential CoI.

It’s generally standard practice in legal and financial sectors not to deal with immediate family members. My mum works in a bank and I can’t even go to her counter to pay a cheque into my account.

Either way she'll be upset/insulted/jealous and therefore angry.

They are her emotions, not yours. If you feel up to it ask her why she is reacting that way. It really isn't your issue to solve.

Don't lie, it'll just lead to more lies.

Taking out a mortgage when you don't need one is an utterly ridiculous suggestion.

Telling her she's a gossip and jealous is just going to cause a load more drama.

'I don't want to mix family and money' is perfect, if she pushes 'I'm not willing to discuss this anymore' - repeat as many times as necessary.

Mortgage broker is working for you. They aren't working for you AND a bank. So I don't see the C.of Interest. Not like depositing a cheque at bank.

You can hire a relative who is a lawyer as long as they or someone in their firm isn't representing someone else part of your legal problems, then no C.of Interest.

I have another cousin who has acted as lawyer for other cousins ... :)

Don't say anything, just tap your nose and wink
Alternatively declare, 'I ain't telling you shit, blabbermouth'

If she pushes you for details can you remind her that these are not just your finances but your DH’s, and say that he is not comfortable sharing personal information?

just checked the land registry current house is showing but no mortgage which we have and the previous house does not show at all.
never used a broker, arranged everything ourselves.

definitely do not mix family and money, had a SIL who is always fishing for info but would never disclose any of her own.

Just tell her money and family don’t mix as PP have suggested, and leave it at that.

If she gets angry or persists in digging, just stick to that point.

If she started asking around at banks to try and find out who you’d potentially gone with - she’d be in breach both of GDPR and codes of ethics that brokers are expected to abide by. No reputable bank would disclose this sort of information to her just on a noseying basis, even if she has contacts, and if she misrepresented you as a client to elicit information from banks to winkle out where you’d gone instead, she’d be on a hiding to nothing ethically and legally.

If she ever did let on to you she knew your business and that there was no such mortgage, you would be well within your rights to report her for these breaches.

I hope that reassures you and helps you stand your ground when you tell her family and business don’t mix - because she’s on very shaky ground if she insists on knowing all the details or trying to use contacts to get to the bottom of it. Not her business.

@glowyowy

If she had a good old nose on the Land Reg after purchase, she could see whether there’s a mortgage on it or not. Just saying. It wouldn’t say for how much, but IIRC it will say who the lender is. So maybe you’d like to take out a tiddly little one, in case.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER really? Ah ffs this is driving me crazy. 😭 she'll want to know!! She is so flipping nosey

All the best op,although a small favour, ask her if she knows anything about mortgage backed securities, it's to do with stocks and the bundling together of different mortgages into mbs packages that get resold on.

Just say it must be an error on the registry-you did t want to mix famil with money or dh didnt

nobody in a bank can tell her who or who hasnt got a mortgage

Tell her your DH was particularly keen to go with xyz.

@glowyowy

If she had a good old nose on the Land Reg after purchase, she could see whether there’s a mortgage on it or not. Just saying. It wouldn’t say for how much, but IIRC it will say who the lender is. So maybe you’d like to take out a tiddly little one, in case.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER really? Ah ffs this is driving me crazy. 😭 she'll want to know!! She is so flipping nosey

The Land Registry title register will state how much you paid for the property, as well as whether or not there is a charge.

Also, it’s easy to find out on property websites how much a house has sold for recently. I get lists emailed to me from these websites for houses that have sold recently.

I worked in conveyancing for a long time.

On some title registers the price isn’t shown if the house sold quite some time ago. It will say on more recent ones, including yours!

Could you tell her DH’s parents have made a private loan as an advance on his inheritance or something - so she knows you’re buying for cash but doesn’t think it’s because you’ve got the money?

It’s a bit convoluted and, obviously, a lie, and has potential to come back to bite you if she spends any time with your PiL or anyone in the same circle as them. But might cover the bases.

I would be tempted to tell her you won’t go with her because she gossips too much, but the truth would be much simpler.

I would go with 100% truth, but not 100% honesty.

"DH isnt happy with sharing his personal financial details with family".

For goodness sake.
Sister, My dh and I have discussed this between ourselves. We are not going to mix family with business under any circumstances as we both feel that these are very private matters.
We do not want to involve anyone else in our decision as I am sure that you would not want other people to know any of your financial details. Therefore in order to keep our relationship on good terms we will not be expecting to hear any discussions from anywhere regarding our situation and will respect your privacy as I am sure you will respect ours.
Thanks for your understanding. X

I'd just tell her that DH picked someone and had already talked to them about it so you're just going with that person.

now she is asking why we didn't use her as our broker. I don't know what to say. Either way she'll be upset/insulted/jealous and therefore angry.

Why are you feeling so responsible for your sister's emotional state, OP?

Do you think it would be reasonable of her to get angry with you over not using her services or not telling her the ins and outs of your personal financial situation?

If she has a tantrum because she can't handle the fact you've set some boundaries, then that's her problem, not yours.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I would go with 100% truth, but not 100% honesty.

"DH isnt happy with sharing his personal financial details with family".

This. Your sister’s reactions aren’t your responsibility. And obviously don’t tell her she’s a blabbermouth and so forth.