Do parents have a say so in their kids sex life?

[Pinkie98]

I'm 22(f) still living at home (should be moved out by the end of the year if all goes to plan), and in the past my mom has made a bit of a deal about my sex life, she was in tears when she found out I lost my v-card (I was 19). She's emphasised that it is disrespectful to have sex while I'm still living at home. I understand her house her rules, but at the same time, sex is a biological urge and imo she's making it sound like it's wrong to do it and when I have done it, I usually feel guilty afterwards because of what she has said. AIBU to think that my mom is overreacting? Is it disrespectful to have sex in your family home? Surely it would be considered better to do it at home than some random place? Am I in the wrong here?

[me4real]

That's very sensible of you. You don't need much I don't think, but I suppose it's good to have a cushion of savings. If it were me I would be looking to get a place inc bills for 350 or less, so it's not a shock to the system compared to what you're paying now. Maybe ideally 300 or less, as you will be paying for more food and cleaning products etc than your used to. But I'd ideally want somewhere with broadband.

But of course it depends where you are/want to be. Excited for you!

I would 'just' save a month's rent for a deposit, and a month's rent in advance. So, 700 maybe or whatever if you're desparate to leave. Perhaps a bit for any things you might want for your room. (This is all Birmingham prices so obviously IDK if this is real where you live lol.)

Please let us know how it goes. Such an exciting stage of life. I don't know how anyone could stay home any longer than they have to TBH. And my mum wasn't even bothered about my sex life. I did go a bit more wild for a while when I left home though lol.

[MouseholeCat]

It's difficult because you're living with her. Even though I disagree with her in general, it's one of those things you probably just have to put up with a little while longer. Once you're out, then her still passing judgement on your sex life is definitely unreasonable.

With my parents, they had no problem with boyfriends coming over providing we were respectful. They would have been very uncomfortable with randoms though, and always wanted a heads up and a chance to meet our partners first.

[Proudboomer]

Rent is £370 but who pay the gas, electricity, water, insurance, tv licence, broadband, community charge and other sundry household expenses?
Who bought the furniture, tv, white goods and everything else you use daily?
£300 is nothing like half the cost of running a home even if the rent is fairly cheap.
Plus how big is the house? If I was living in a small home I wouldn’t want anyone staying over even if no sex was involved. I wouldn’t to run into a young man in the middle of the night when I went for a wee just wearing an old tank top and pants.
My youngest is a year older than you and his long term girlfriend has lived with us for over 18 months whilst they save for a mortgage. I was only ok with this as my house has an annex with its own bathroom, front door etc and so it is not in my face and there is no way I will hear sex noises or have to wait on the bathroom.
There is a lot to consider before allowing sleep overs and it isn’t all about the sex,

[Brokenheartedad]

I had this from my mum when my longterm gf came to stay, we were 22 and 24 and had already been cohabiting for three years at uni. Almost got caught once by the couple we babysat for, shagging on their living room floor, never got dressed so quick in our lives when they came back ten minutes after leaving cos they forgot something. Her parents were exact opposite, never mentioned it and we were allowed to sleep in the same bed. I preferred staying at their place!

It seems to me to be a form of control. She shouldn't even mention it, but I would also not advise doing it with her or either of your parents around. But don't feel guilty about it. I mean, what does she think you're doing if you go out for the night or have a sleepover???? She just doesnt want to confront it directly, but as a son and a parent, I can understand that point of view.

[Schoolofsock]

For me a lot would depend on the type of house tbh. If its big and your room is well away from where your Mum is then a regular boyfriend in your room is fine at your age and private what you get up to. In the bedroom next door to hers, or above the room she sitting watching TV, no. I would not I want to hear my son/daughter having sex - no way. Just as I would cringe had I ever heard my parents at it when I lived home. How would you feel hearing your Mum having sex? Well its worse if its your kid!

[Trinacham]

YNBU.

Neither my or my partners' parents (still with him!) were like that (I was 19 too). In fact I think they sighed with relief when I finally got a boyfriend 😅
It's all part of growing up and only natural. Where do they expect you to do it!?

[Pinkie98]

Hey guys thanks for your input however I do feel like some people are missing the point. My main concern was about my mom's reaction to doing certain things or if I was being dramatic. I just wanted to know if other people ad ever experienced anything similar. This wasn't about being allowed sleepovers or how much the bills cost haha

[StardewMelons]

OP. Get the hell out of there. Nobody has the right to control your body or mind as an adult like this. You only live once, and not a single person including your mother should have a say in anything you do with you body. And before people say "Her house her rules" (still weird) but Op has stated she feels guilty having sex outside the home.

[Posieandpip]

I think it's pretty normal to feel really uncomfortable about sex in this context. I'd not have sex in my family home as it would gross me out and I expect my parents would have been equally grossed out. Yes of course it's naturally but equally it's something which naturally needs to happen away from family members like parents and children.

[StardewMelons]

@Posieandpip Parents do have sex in the family household on a regular basis for the most part, how do you think siblings happen

[Castlepeak]

I really can’t imagine expecting to bring a guy home to my parents house. That is just something that has to wait until you get your own place.

Maybe at 22, paying rent, and if you were in a very long term relationship, but definitely not anyone you were seeing casually or even for a few months. I’m thinking at least a year of exclusivity before you broach the idea of bringing someone into their home. That is their sanctuary. It has nothing to do with you having sex or not. It’s about some person they don’t know being given access to their home.

[Mothership4two]

@Pinkie98

I think the questions about bills is checking that you are paying your way and not being supported by your mum. The fact that you do means "her house her rules" goes out the window imo. Her attitude is faintly ridiculous, even if there is a cultural element to it, in this day and age.

We are currently the most unreasonable parents ever as ds (17) and his gf (16) sleeping together in our home is currently under negotiation - although the answer's a firm "no" atm.

My (now) dh and I were allowed to stay over at my parents together for the first time when I was 23 and we were living together in our own home!

[KangarooSally]

[quote Mothership4two]@Pinkie98

I think the questions about bills is checking that you are paying your way and not being supported by your mum. The fact that you do means "her house her rules" goes out the window imo. Her attitude is faintly ridiculous, even if there is a cultural element to it, in this day and age.

We are currently the most unreasonable parents ever as ds (17) and his gf (16) sleeping together in our home is currently under negotiation - although the answer's a firm "no" atm.

My (now) dh and I were allowed to stay over at my parents together for the first time when I was 23 and we were living together in our own home! [/quote]
It might be a bit ridiculous but it is her house so she should be able to not have random people she does not know in her house during the night. She isn't telling OP she isn't allowed to do it. Just not in her house.

[TheNestedIf]

I feel this is not altogether about the mother's house. The issue is more that Pinkie98 is being made to feel ashamed for having sex at all, anywhere. The house is just one means that the mother is using to control. It's a damaging mindset the mother is instilling.

[Mothership4two]

It might be a bit ridiculous but it is her house so she should be able to not have random people she does not know in her house during the night. She isn't telling OP she isn't allowed to do it. Just not in her house

Then she shouldn't be charging rent then. It's their house.

I'm sure the OP isn't going to bring lots of random people back! OP was asking about her dm's attitude, which imo is ridiculous, unreasonable and not particularly healthy for the OP

[leeds2glasgow]

@Pinkie98

Hey guys thanks for your input however I do feel like some people are missing the point. My main concern was about my mom's reaction to doing certain things or if I was being dramatic. I just wanted to know if other people ad ever experienced anything similar. This wasn't about being allowed sleepovers or how much the bills cost haha

Dramatic. Not on your mums side but at 22 why are you still there anyway?

[Londontown12]

I have 2 adult dc 18 d and 21 s
It’s there sexlife I have no problem with them being at home I’d rather that than some random place ! But I draw the line with random partners they have to be steady partners xxx

[RealisticSketch]

I think assuming you are considerate and are being discrete I think she is being heavy handed and probably hasn't really accepted your not her child anymore. It clearly isn't easy for her so try to understand that while exerting your right to be an adult.
Just don't do what my cousin did and being a screamer home! 😱🙉🙉🙉

[DrSbaitso]

@TheNestedIf

I feel this is not altogether about the mother's house. The issue is more that Pinkie98 is being made to feel ashamed for having sex at all, anywhere. The house is just one means that the mother is using to control. It's a damaging mindset the mother is instilling.

That's exactly it.

[Trinacham]

@leeds2glasgow 22 is hardly too old to still be living at home! People thought I did well moving out at 24 (and that was with my partner!). How old are you? Thinking maybe times were different when you were young, as many years ago it was easier to move out younger.

[EveryoneIsThere]

Maybe your Mum just didn't like your old boyfriend? I've never minded my kids having partners stay over but I've always liked their partners. If I really disliked one of the partners I imagine I wouldn't like them to stay over. I wouldn't say anything but I wouldn't like it.

[CleanQueen123]

I think your DM is being unreasonable to be so dramatic.

However, why are you sharing this information with her when you know what her response will be?

She didn't need to know you'd lost your virginity and if the few times you've had sex at home, she's been out, why did you tell her at all?

Focus on saving to move out and keep your personal life to yourself. What she doesn't know can't hurt her

[knittingaddict]

I was ok with our daughters having their long term steady partners to stay. I would not have been happy having random men sleep over and for them to have sex in our house. Fortunately this was never tested.

[Bluntness100]

I allow my daughter and my partner to share a bed and can’t imagine even thinking about what they do never mind giving an opinion, it’s nothing to do with me.

However I’m not your mother, and it’s her house, her rules so you need to abide by them, if you don’t like it then you leave.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Old fashioned but my mum always used to say “it’s your home but it’s my house” regarding rules.
That said, I moved out at 18 but my sister was at home until she was nearly 30 and she didn’t mind steady partners, but not flings/people she was bringing home on the first night etc as these were men she didn’t really know from Adam.