Do parents have a say so in their kids sex life?

[Pinkie98]

I'm 22(f) still living at home (should be moved out by the end of the year if all goes to plan), and in the past my mom has made a bit of a deal about my sex life, she was in tears when she found out I lost my v-card (I was 19). She's emphasised that it is disrespectful to have sex while I'm still living at home. I understand her house her rules, but at the same time, sex is a biological urge and imo she's making it sound like it's wrong to do it and when I have done it, I usually feel guilty afterwards because of what she has said. AIBU to think that my mom is overreacting? Is it disrespectful to have sex in your family home? Surely it would be considered better to do it at home than some random place? Am I in the wrong here?

[Angel2702]

I have never understood the get to g involved in your child’s sex life. If they are over the age of consent and you have taught them everything they need to know about safety, consent etc then it is your body and they shouldn’t get involved. But under their roof a bit trickier.

[Pinkie98]

@Beamur trust me I'm working on it

[ObviousNameChage]

I don't agree with her, and it's a fairly olde fashioned view especially since you are in her twenties. Does she expect you to marry first? Or does she still see you as "too young"?

However , if she doesn't want you having sex under her roof for whatever reasons (uncomfortable,prudish,beliefs -religious or otherwise, doesn't want to condone it ,etc.) there isn't a lot you can do.

That doesn't mean you owe her an explanation or any details about your sex life, with whom,where ,how etc.

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

V-card? virginity?

[RaindropsOnRosie]

As long as you're not shagging on the dining table during a family meal, it's none of her business. She should be more concerned about your safety and happiness than when and where you have sex!

It's not disrespectful for you to do something private at home- she sounds controlling.

[Beamur]

although as we have had sexually active teens at home, turning a blind eye and asking them to occasionally house sit for a weekend seemed a tactful way to offer some privacy.
Parents really don't want their kids sex lives in their faces though so a bit of discretion both ways is only fair.

[Pinkie98]

@RaindropsOnRosie I think my bigger issue now is the always feeling guilty about it. Even when I did it with my ex at his house, I always felt guilty. When she found out that me and my ex were having sex, again she started crying so now it just feels completely wrong to be doing it

[Trevsadick]

No I don't think they ever should get involved, unless the adult child asks for their advice.

However, if you are doing it in her house, then you are involving her as she has made it clear, that she doesn't want you having sex in her home.

When it's younger teens (16+) I understand the 'its better to do it at home than somewhere random' But that's for teens who don't always make good decisions when it's comes to things like this and don't have access to things like decent hotels.

But as an adult, I am sure, should you want to have sex you can arrange somewhere else sensible. It's not your mums house or a back alley. You do have more options available.

So while your mum seems over involved, I do think you should respect the rules of her house and just move out ASAP.

[Purplealienpuke]

It's difficult living with a parent who has a different view to you.
Be thankful you don't have an outlaw like mine was... even though we had a child ex 'd'p mother wouldn't allow us to share a room in her house when we visited.
There were two issues, we weren't married and I wasn't Catholic 🙄🤣
Save hard, get your own place 💐

[Pinkie98]

@Trevsadick I agree. Thank you :)

[Pinkie98]

@Purplealienpuke Oh lord that sounds nightmareish 😂

[Mummyoflittledragon]

The situation you’re describing is less common with parents of adult children of your generation than of mine... I’m old enough to be your mum and I totally disagree with her.

My dd is only 12 but dh and I have already discussed how we will handle this stage. Casual hook ups. Not ok. Steady boyfriend fine. Dh said he is fine from from 16. Im not sure about that as my thoughts are this could be too intense.

It is massively disrespectful of your mother to refuse to even allow a steady bf to visit the house. No wonder you want to move out.

[RaskolnikovsGarret]

My lovely DD’s equally lovely BB stays here sometimes, and she stays with them too. Works well for us.

Her poor best friends (from Asian backgrounds like ours) have at sneak around to see theirs. I feel so sorry for them.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

@Purplealienpuke - same! My ex was lrish, every time we went back to stay with his folks, it was separate bedrooms! Together 11 years and the very last time we went, they let us share a room! Felt totally wrong. We split up soon after, which was nothing to do with that obvs!
Op l agre with pp - if my dd was in a steady relationship then l would be ok with that but not just randoms that come and go!

[RaskolnikovsGarret]

They are both 18 btw

[Pinkie98]

@RaskolnikovsGarret My mom is asian so this resonates

[Notaroadrunner]

My parents didn't allow us to share a bed even when we were engaged, let alone just dating, and we respected their rules. So I would advise you to respect her rules and concentrate on moving out asap.

[Pinkie98]

@Mummyoflittledragon so glad your daughter has such understanding parents. Even before I lost my virginity I wasn't allowed to invite male friends over, deffo can't now. And when I was with my ex it was frustrating not being allowed to even invite him over to have dinner or watch a film and did put a strain on the relationship

[CreamFirstThenJamOnTop]

My parents didn’t have any involvement in my sex life when I lived at home, other than a slightly embarrassing occasion where I forgot to lock my bedroom door and my dad walked in without knocking. He was immensely apologetic!

I didn’t bring lots of different guys home but I think overall I had 3 boyfriends who slept over regularly from the age of 17 until 22.

My brother had a few girlfriends who would stay over too and our parents had no involvement in his sex life either.

I think me and DH will have very different views about this when our children are older. I’ll be far more relaxed about it. We’ve already had several conversations about how we will compromise.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Her house her rules. Whether anyone agrees or disagrees is irrelevant as neither answer is right or wrong, or more common than the other.

Your mum doesn't want you having partners over, her choice and you need to respect it and make other arrangements either for where you live or where you meet your partners.

[Mischance]

Time to go and make a home of your own. Her home her rules, even if you do not agree with her.

[Gullible2021]

It's been a widespread rule in my family that only married couples are allowed to share a bed. It's a cultural thing with us and a throwback to sex before marriage not being the done thing. My brother was engaged for 10 years and lived with his wife to be but when he visited the family home with her, they were in separate beds before they married.
Same for visits to the in laws to be. There was much eye rolling at the time but now he has teenagers, he isn't ok with overnight stays in the same bed either and frowns upon the parents of boyfriends and girlfriends who allow it.

I can see the argument for allowing sex in a safe space etc but as others have said, you are an adult and so is your mum -
while you live under her roof, it's her rules. If she had a strict upbringing and came to view it as disrespectful then it's understandable.
It's not especially nice to think of people having sex in your home either, especially not kids, adult or not.

It's understandable and natural that you want a sexual relationship at your age. Use this as a catalyst for independent life. You may need to look at cheaper options like a
single room in a houseshare.

[Pinkie98]

@Mischance I'm working on it :)

[MyHusbandIsARockStar]

She cries and makes you feel guilty when you have sex. It’s a control thing. I’m not going to write much on a public forum but it’s definitely controlling and manipulating behaviour. My experience is that the behaviour continued even when I move out, it was just about other stuff.

[StealthPolarBear]

I thought at the time my mum was too involved in my life but she was very clear that if, where and when I had sex was none of her business, other than packing boxes of condoms in my university luggage.