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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do parents have a say so in their kids sex life?

140 replies

Pinkie98 · 20/06/2021 21:55

I'm 22(f) still living at home (should be moved out by the end of the year if all goes to plan), and in the past my mom has made a bit of a deal about my sex life, she was in tears when she found out I lost my v-card (I was 19). She's emphasised that it is disrespectful to have sex while I'm still living at home. I understand her house her rules, but at the same time, sex is a biological urge and imo she's making it sound like it's wrong to do it and when I have done it, I usually feel guilty afterwards because of what she has said. AIBU to think that my mom is overreacting? Is it disrespectful to have sex in your family home? Surely it would be considered better to do it at home than some random place? Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 20/06/2021 22:53

@ssd

It is her home, not her house, unless she has a % share in it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/06/2021 22:55

Do you have a serious partner or are you bringing different people back to the house?How does she know you're having sex? Perhaps be a bit more discrete especially given her views. The solution is to move out asap!

Whyhello · 20/06/2021 22:58

It depends really. If you’re thinking about inviting lots of strangers into her home then I can understand why she wouldn’t want that. It’s a security risk in ways so I wouldn’t be happy about that either.

If it’s someone you’re in a committed relationship with then she’s being precious and ridiculous.

DrCoconut · 20/06/2021 23:02

I wasn't allowed in my room with my boyfriend when I was 18. I was still at college and my role in the family was child. Parents house parents rules back then. However, I have a 22 year old and don't consider his sex life to be my business.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 20/06/2021 23:03

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor this conversation took place when I was with my ex, I'm not seeing anyone not so its not necessarily applicable, I just wanted to see it from other peoples perspective

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 20/06/2021 23:04

@FinallyFluid I mean if we're being technical, the house is rented so we both pay towards the rent

OP posts:
Melitza · 20/06/2021 23:08

If you pay half the rent then you both get a say in what goes on in your home.
I take it your dm is single or a widow?

CatsArePeople · 20/06/2021 23:09

if you want a full on sex life, you need to move away. There is no other way around it.

mayjuneapril · 20/06/2021 23:10

Her being in tears because you had sex at 19 is weird Confused

me4real · 20/06/2021 23:12

YABslightlyU.

You shouldn't feel ashamed about sex, but on the other hand if you want to do stuff and she's not happy with it you should move out, get a room in a shared house or something.

That's maturity, respect, and consideration.

DrSbaitso · 20/06/2021 23:14

You'll get people saying their house, their rules, but it's weird, controlling and really quite horrible to try to police an adult's sex life and there isn't any decent reason. I can understand not wanting strange men in your house, but a long-term monogamous lover? That's just a parent overreaching and I've never seen one who had a fair reason for it. It's always been their own issues and denial of their child's adulthood. Living at home doesn't give them the right to dictate your private life.

My parents attempted to police my sexuality this way. The result was that I had sex in cars in public places, which was hardly safe or respectable. And then at home anyway when they were out.

I am angry with them that they prioritised their wish to pretend I was a child over my actual safety and autonomy. If I had had a boyfriend who turned nasty, the safest place to be would be at home, able to turf him out and in my own familiar surroundings.

NotNowPlzz · 20/06/2021 23:16

If you pay half the rent you should get to do what you want. I have no idea why your mum cried when you were 19 and with your ex boyfriend. Of course you shouldn't feel guilty having sex it is entirely normal. I think you need to have some boundaries around it and stop babysitting your mum's feelings. Her crying is completely unreasonable and you don't have to pander to her. Do what you know is reasonable (having sex in your home where you pay rent, not being too loud or an inconvenience obviously) and let her react how she wants to react.

justasking111 · 20/06/2021 23:17

[quote Pinkie98]@RaskolnikovsGarret My mom is asian so this resonates[/quote]
My mother's Catholic I was supposed to hang on until my wedding night. I left home because of her odd obsession with my private life.

YellowMonday · 20/06/2021 23:17

Hi OP. You sound like you're in a really tough position. I can't imagine how difficult it must be that you can't even have your boyfriend to come over to watch a movie let alone stay the night. Your mum's reactions do seem to be somewhat abnormal, especially crying at you losing your virginity.

I can't comment on this, but could it be cultural or control or a reluctance to let you grow up? For me when I was 17 and had my first serious boyfriend, my parents ensured I was protected (onto the pill and conversations on STIs/condoms) and my boyfriend was welcome to stay. As an adult I look back and think they were pretty cool, but at the time as a teenager I did feel a bit embarrassed about them knowing I was having sex!

Unfortunately I don't have any advise other than keep saving to move out, and in the mean time plan to stay over at your boyfriends. Ultimately it is your mums home, and I don't see her changing any time soon.

SiobhanSharpe · 20/06/2021 23:18

You're 22, not 16 -- surely you and your partner can fork out 35 quid for a hotel room from time to time?
Much nicer for you and you're not in your mum's face either.
I know it's none of her business but she's uncomfortable nonetheless.

CatsArePeople · 20/06/2021 23:19

Her being in tears because you had sex at 19 is weird

Parents are more protective/possesive of a girl's sexuality, because of pregnancy danger, or that men would just use/exploit them.

me4real · 20/06/2021 23:19

If you pay half the rent then you both get a say in what goes on in your home.

@Melitza I assume the tenancy is in the mum's name. Either way it's not ok if the mum doesn't want it, the reasonable thing is to move out ASAP and shag at any future boyfriends' houses instead in the meantime.

The crying at OP losing her virginity is weird, but I suppose some people see it as a milestone, they see it as the person is no longer a child in a way etc, so it's sad like someone else might get over seeing their kid of to uni or something.

Also, I don't have kids but I can see that if a woman has had traumatic/painful experiences with men or sex, when her daughter becomes sexually active it could cause her fear/worry for her DD.

theprisonerofazkabitch · 20/06/2021 23:19

If she isn’t in the house when it’s happening I really don’t see the problem!.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/06/2021 23:24

[quote Pinkie98]@Mummyoflittledragon so glad your daughter has such understanding parents. Even before I lost my virginity I wasn't allowed to invite male friends over, deffo can't now. And when I was with my ex it was frustrating not being allowed to even invite him over to have dinner or watch a film and did put a strain on the relationship[/quote]
Thanks…. Not sure my 12 yo thinks that right now. But she’s just coming up 13 and going through the teen stuff. I could not imagine disallowing my dd from having male friends over. She always had male friends on and off and they used to come over on play dates. Not so much right now, but at her age and with the pandemic, tweens / younger teens play / hang out more out of the home. And it’s terribly embarrassing to have a boy, don’t you know…?

Try to be forgiving of your mum even though that will be hard to do so. She is a perhaps product of the way she was brought up and may not have really challenge the way she was parented. What I found as I aged and had kids is that albeit I thought and still think my mother is / was unreasonable, parenting is a really hard… and children don’t come with user manuals.

massiveportion · 20/06/2021 23:25

This is definitely a thing that happened.

me4real · 20/06/2021 23:27

You'll get people saying their house, their rules, but it's weird, controlling and really quite horrible to try to police an adult's sex life and there isn't any decent reason.

@DrSbaitso After I was 17 or whatever my parents were ok with a boyfriend staying in my room, but one boyfriend's parents would put me in a separate bedroom to sleep over because they were somewhat Xtian and that was what seemed right to them. We still used to shag in the evening while we were in his room drinking wine and listening to music etc though. They never phrased it as we mustn't shag in the house, that was never gone into though I suppose that was the implication really.

BackforGood · 20/06/2021 23:27

@me4real

YABslightlyU.

You shouldn't feel ashamed about sex, but on the other hand if you want to do stuff and she's not happy with it you should move out, get a room in a shared house or something.

That's maturity, respect, and consideration.

This ^
me4real · 20/06/2021 23:30

This is definitely a thing that happened.

@massiveportion Is it that unbelievable? Confused Maybe I'm gullible lol. I can totally imagine that some mums like this exist.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 20/06/2021 23:37

@Melitza she's currently in a relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 20/06/2021 23:46

@massiveportion if you find it hard to believe then it must be bad 😂

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