To wonder why people judge young parents so much?

[coal0]

My neighbours son and his girlfriend have a little boy, I think he's about 5/6 months now, he's a lovely baby. They all live with my neighbour as her son and his girlfriend are both young. I just can't believe how many people judge! When the baby was first born, my neighbour told me and was being judgy by saying she felt sorry for the baby.

Anyway, earlier the baby was crying outside and his dad was trying to calm him down and he did eventually, he apologised to me after he calmed him down as he noticed I was out. I told him it was fine and he's doing a good job etc. My neighbour then told me that he can't look after his own baby, which is nonsense! I explained to her that the baby would've been crying regardless of his age and that my DD cried constantly as a baby and I had her in my 30s, my neighbour then went back in her house tutting at me.

Why do young parents get judged so much?!

Whilst I don’t judge young parents, it is certainly not something that I would want for either of my own children. I think most people wouldn’t want it for their own child.

The simple fact is that young parents are missing out. To claim that you haven’t missed out on anything is ridiculous because you couldn’t possibly know that if you have never, as another poster put it, experienced adulthood as a childfree person.

I had my first child at 30 and, looking back, I felt grateful for the good 10 years of life that I got to live for myself. A period of time where I was neither a “child” nor a “parent”. Where I could make mistakes freely. Where I could do what I wanted and go where I wanted, when I wanted. Where I could be spontaneous. Where I could be selfish. Where I could be wreckless. Where I could put myself first. Or not. It was a time for learning. Experiencing.

Now, my children are my first consideration, my wants/needs come second to theirs, they consume my time, my thoughts, my energy. I think I will worry about them until the day I die. I don’t think I’ll ever be truly able to “relax” ever again. The freedoms that I once had are gone forever, no matter how old my children get.

I would never want my own children to be deprived of that time they have to just be themselves. And to do things for just themselves. It is such an important part of life. I would be devastated for them to miss out on that.

Each to their own Vivio. Just because you feel you had children at the perfect age for you, doesn't mean it's the perfect age for all

I wasn't a young mum but was youngish when I had my first at 24 (unfortunately I looked about 15 at the time and was judged a lot but that's another thread)
people who say they feel sorry for young mums because they've missed out on early adulthood are very patronising. I never enjoyed going out drinking, wasn't fused for shopping, meals out ect in fact I was rather depressed before having kids. kids bought me to life, I love doing days out and walks and having someone to look after. just because some people enjoyed 'freedom' in their 20s doesn't mean that everyone feels that way.

Each to their own Vivio. Just because you feel you had children at the perfect age for you, doesn't mean it's the perfect age for all

exactly

You need to say how young is young. if they're teens/minors then it's completely different to if they're in their 20s.
I do know someone with four children who admits he was a bad father to his first child at 21 because he wasn't mature enough.

@DariaMorgendorffer

Each to their own Vivio. Just because you feel you had children at the perfect age for you, doesn't mean it's the perfect age for all

Mmm, that’s not what I said.

These threads inevitably end up with posters getting defensive about their own decisions to have children when they are young.

I don’t think there is a “perfect age” to have a child. I do think it’s utter bullshit to say that you’re not missing out on anything by being a young parent though

I was a younger parent and I’d rather be judged as being feckless and a bit shit than pitied

Would I have chosen to have a baby at 19 to someone I’d known a short time? No I guess not but also, 18 years down the line I’m still in my 30’s with an adult offspring who is making their own way in the world now, leaving me and DH (that boy I’d only known a short while) with an empty nest but at a time in our life when we have plenty of cash to enjoy it. I established my career after having my baby so I’ve not had to take a break to have children, thus leaving me able to keep my foot on the gas and outperform my colleagues in many respects. I see peers with babies and toddlers now and I think ‘no thank you’.

A good parent is a good parent no matter their age. And DH and I fucking rock at it 🤘🏻

I can't help but judge at times, but I think its because theres a good handful of people I went school with who had babies at 16/17, and are now on baby number 6 12 years later never having worked a day in their life. I know it's a stereotype but I've seen it happen.

I get accidents happen too, and I do have a friend who accidentally became pregnant at 17 and was brilliant, she managed to train, start a career and get a home independently, but I don't think her case is as common.

I also worked in adolescent services, and it was not uncommon to hear teenagers discussing having babies soon to get housing and wanting to be a 'yummy mummy'.

I also cant help but find it sad that some women seem desperate for a baby as soon as they reach adulthood, I was enjoying life so much in my late teens early 20's the thought of babies were a million miles away. - I know everyone is different with what they want from life, I just can't relate at all with why someone would choose to have a baby so young.

I don’t think there is a “perfect age” to have a child. I do think it’s utter bullshit to say that you’re not missing out on anything by being a young parent though

Utter bullshit to you. Not to many, many people. A very close-minded view IMO.

@DariaMorgendorffer

I don’t think there is a “perfect age” to have a child. I do think it’s utter bullshit to say that you’re not missing out on anything by being a young parent though

Utter bullshit to you. Not to many, many people. A very close-minded view IMO.

Really? More closed minded than thinking there is absolutely nothing you could have possibly missed out on by being a parent in your late teens/early twenties?

Possibly because if the couple are young and haven't got their lives together, the baby wasn't planned and they aren't ready. Obviously this can work out but in many cases it's a struggle.

But likewise of course surely there are things you may miss out on by being an older parent? Earlier retirement, an unhindered career path, help from grandparents. It’s whatever works for you. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just different 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think people can be very defensive regarding the age that they became parents.
Its almost as if they need to display faux concern for those at the opposite end of the spectrum in order to validate their own decision.

Surely its best to acknowledge that both choices have pros and cons and to get on with our own lives?

"I do think it’s utter bullshit to say that you’re not missing out on anything by being a young parent though"

This statement does come across to me as close-minded, yes. Some people may feel they have missed out by having children young. Some may not. It depends on what you value, what you consider ‘missing out’ to be, what support you have, what lifestyle you lead, where you are, who you’re with and so on.

I truly believe there are people in the world who have not missed out on anything by being young parents. I really do! By the same token, there are people who become parents much later in life, and it works for them. You were happy to have your twenties to live for yourself, and that’s cool. That was right for you. Not for everyone.

@DariaMorgendorffer

"I do think it’s utter bullshit to say that you’re not missing out on anything by being a young parent though"

This statement does come across to me as close-minded, yes. Some people may feel they have missed out by having children young. Some may not. It depends on what you value, what you consider ‘missing out’ to be, what support you have, what lifestyle you lead, where you are, who you’re with and so on.

I truly believe there are people in the world who have not missed out on anything by being young parents. I really do! By the same token, there are people who become parents much later in life, and it works for them. You were happy to have your twenties to live for yourself, and that’s cool. That was right for you. Not for everyone.

This conversation is just going to go around in circles because, to be honest, I don’t really care about what anyone else does. Or what age they have their children at. It doesn’t bother or concern me.

What I did say though, is that it is something that I wouldn’t want for my own children. That, I do care about.

The not missing out on the twenties/utter batshit argument verses the freedom in your 40’s and 50’s argument. It’s swings and roundabouts. I have friends in their early/mid 50’s (my age) with DC just going into secondary school, another friend who had his first DC at 53 and can’t retire until he’s early 70’s. I wouldn’t fancy those scenarios, I’m happy going on holiday every couple of months, retiring young, doing what I want all week just as a lot of people are happy travelling etc in their 20’s.

@SwimBaby

The not missing out on the twenties/utter batshit argument verses the freedom in your 40’s and 50’s argument. It’s swings and roundabouts. I have friends in their early/mid 50’s (my age) with DC just going into secondary school, another friend who had his first DC at 53 and can’t retire until he’s early 70’s. I wouldn’t fancy those scenarios, I’m happy going on holiday every couple of months, retiring young, doing what I want all week just as a lot of people are happy travelling etc in their 20’s.

Virtually all the women I know who have had children when they were teenagers have gone on to have more children in later life. I know one woman with a 26 year old and a 1 year old....she'll spend about five decades of her life raising kids...I often think if you've never been a childfree adult you perhaps don't know what to do with yourself once they get older.

Also having children is a huge risk really. If you have a dc with disabilities or significant needs, you can end up caring for them for your entire life. If you've started at eighteen, then you never really experience freedom during your adult life.

@lazylinguist

I wouldn't assume they were bad parents. I would feel sorry for them having to take on that responsibility so young, would wonder what decisions or situations led them to being a parent so young, and whether very young parenthood was a pattern in their family. I would have been utterly horrified to fall pregnant before 25 tbh.

Do you not see how patronising and belittling things like what you have said come across?

Do you not see how patronising and belittling things like what you have said come across?

I guess it could come across that way. But I have taught secondary school students for 25 years and have seen girls fall pregnant at 15 or 16. They don't seem to be situations where the young mother and father planned to have a baby, leave school and become a happy family with stable jobs and prospects.

@lazylinguist

Do you not see how patronising and belittling things like what you have said come across?

I guess it could come across that way. But I have taught secondary school students for 25 years and have seen girls fall pregnant at 15 or 16. They don't seem to be situations where the young mother and father planned to have a baby, leave school and become a happy family with stable jobs and prospects.

15 or 16 is completely different to early 20s though. A lot on this thread are completely aghast at the thought of choosing to have kids before 25

Oh ok - no, early twenties is earlier than I personally would have wanted to have children (though I ended up leaving it a little bit later than I would have liked, as I didn't meet future dh until I was 30), but I guess some people are ready at that age. I think under 20 is not ideal at all.

Isn't it just luck sometimes too. What if you don't meet the right person until you're in your 30s, despite trying to meet the one in your 20s. If you meet the person you want to be with forever at 21 and start a family with, great! Maybe that's just luck. But for others it takes a lot longer.

I wonder if couples who do have children young however are less likely to stay together? I don't know the figures on this, just wondering. Because having children obviously creates a huge amount of pressure on a relationship and for many teens/early 20s, they won't have the emotional tools or experience to deal with that. Obviously, some will. But young men in particular are quite immature still at 20-24 ish. My one's still immature at 33!!

It really depends on how young you're talking.

I don't judge as being bad parents, but I think its a real shame for all involved when people who are too young and immature to look after themselves are responsible for looking after a child.

I'd think anybody who has to live with their parents isn't ready to start a family.

Really? More closed minded than thinking there is absolutely nothing you could have possibly missed out on by being a parent in your late teens/early twenties?

What about all the things you've missed out on by having kids at 30, or having them at all? I cannot stand the pity, so irritating. Some people feel they missed out, others don't.

(Also, it's not true. Young parents likely have both parents, plus other side. There's no shortage of help to go on holiday etc. No shortage of financial help when studying, universal credit)

Don't see the point in trying insist young parents missed out, personally. It reminds me of the gloomy comments of a child being life-ruining/a barrier.

@bushhbb

Really? More closed minded than thinking there is absolutely nothing you could have possibly missed out on by being a parent in your late teens/early twenties?

What about all the things you've missed out on by having kids at 30, or having them at all? I cannot stand the pity, so irritating. Some people feel they missed out, others don't.

(Also, it's not true. Young parents likely have both parents, plus other side. There's no shortage of help to go on holiday etc. No shortage of financial help when studying, universal credit)

Don't see the point in trying insist young parents missed out, personally. It reminds me of the gloomy comments of a child being life-ruining/a barrier.

Surely it depends on your own dps and if they want to help out

I think there is a correlation with socio economic groups as well