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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people judge young parents so much?

150 replies

coal0 · 20/06/2021 17:13

My neighbours son and his girlfriend have a little boy, I think he's about 5/6 months now, he's a lovely baby. They all live with my neighbour as her son and his girlfriend are both young. I just can't believe how many people judge! When the baby was first born, my neighbour told me and was being judgy by saying she felt sorry for the baby.

Anyway, earlier the baby was crying outside and his dad was trying to calm him down and he did eventually, he apologised to me after he calmed him down as he noticed I was out. I told him it was fine and he's doing a good job etc. My neighbour then told me that he can't look after his own baby, which is nonsense! I explained to her that the baby would've been crying regardless of his age and that my DD cried constantly as a baby and I had her in my 30s, my neighbour then went back in her house tutting at me.

Why do young parents get judged so much?!

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 20/06/2021 20:41

My parents didn't claim benefits, my DF worked, but were given a council house. However, it has cost me a fortune in therapy to undo the damage they caused me!

mag2305 · 20/06/2021 21:35

I don't think younger parents should be judged harshly on their age. If parenting is poor, it could be that way at any age. However, I do think a little bit of life experience is also a good thing and time to enjoy being young. I suppose having children in your 30s has become more of a norm so anything younger can seem young. When I was pregnant with my ds, we did hypnobirthing classes and at 31, it looked like we were the youngest parents there which really surprised me.
Maybe it's not what younger parents don't have, it's more about what older parents do, just because they have more experience of life.

cadburyegg · 20/06/2021 21:43

fine, but most people wouldn't have been able to travel, go to uni, start a career and become financially independent and relax when finally have kids. I think it's healthy to have a few years to be entirely selfish, you enjoy kids a lot more later.

I genuinely don’t get this attitude. Not everyone wants to travel or go to uni. I went to uni but I never had the desire to travel the world. It’s also insulting to imply everyone would enjoy their children more if they gave birth later. Having children hasn’t stunted my career either, in fact after my maternity leave for DS1 I was transferred to a different, more enjoyable job, and when I was pregnant with DS2 I got promoted, then promoted again on maternity leave. Assuming that everyone wants to follow the same path in life is quite closed minded.

SwimBaby · 20/06/2021 21:46

I had my DS when I was a teenager, went to uni when he went to school and have been on too many to count foreign holidays with him. I don’t think I’ve missed out on anything.

lazylinguist · 20/06/2021 21:48

I wouldn't assume they were bad parents. I would feel sorry for them having to take on that responsibility so young, would wonder what decisions or situations led them to being a parent so young, and whether very young parenthood was a pattern in their family. I would have been utterly horrified to fall pregnant before 25 tbh.

Onairjunkie · 20/06/2021 21:53

Assuming that everyone wants to follow the same path in life is quite closed minded.

I don’t think it’s about assuming wants to follow the same path @cadburyegg, it’s about choice to do things, be they travel, education, partying, etc, which is (largely) not the case if you’re young and tied down by a baby.

Comedycook · 20/06/2021 21:56

@SwimBaby

I had my DS when I was a teenager, went to uni when he went to school and have been on too many to count foreign holidays with him. I don’t think I’ve missed out on anything.
People who become parents as teenagers miss out on experiencing adulthood as a childfree person. Whilst of course you can still achieve a lot, it inevitably narrows your life choices. Your child will always have to be considered in your plans so no decision you make will be entirely selfish and centering on your own wants.
Vicliz24 · 20/06/2021 22:01

I had two DC by the time I was 23 . It was tough yes but at no point did I know what I was allegedly "missing " I worked hard . I provided for us . As they went to school I returned to education. I got a good job snd they in turn did the same . By the time I was in my late 30s my freedom was happening. I was still young enough to enjoy it and they were were old enough to be happy for me . I would never judge young parents.

SwimBaby · 20/06/2021 22:03

Comedycook it doesn’t feel like that to me, I’ve had my 40’s and now early 50’s (so far) to focus entirely on my wants and it’s been lovely doing it this way around as I have money, my home and I feel really at ease with myself. Lots of these things people don’t have in their 20’s.

Comedycook · 20/06/2021 22:06

@SwimBaby

Comedycook it doesn’t feel like that to me, I’ve had my 40’s and now early 50’s (so far) to focus entirely on my wants and it’s been lovely doing it this way around as I have money, my home and I feel really at ease with myself. Lots of these things people don’t have in their 20’s.
That sounds fab, good for you. I feel like even when my DC are adults, I will still be worrying about them and will never feel that carefree feeling I had before they were born.
SwimBaby · 20/06/2021 22:08

It’s a different sort of worry and it’s offset with immense pride and happiness that they have grown into lovely young adults.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/06/2021 22:13

was it the grandma neighbour who was judging?

Maybe she's just cross that she now has a baby living in her house.

mag2305 · 20/06/2021 22:21

Having children younger doesn't mean you can't still have a great social life, career, holidays etc, but I get what people are saying, it could be more restrictive.
I do think you can experience more freedom if you get to do those things in your teens and 20s lets say, before having children. You have to grow up quick whenever you have children. Even at the age of 31, I felt like I stopped being a girl once I became a mum.

ZednotZee · 20/06/2021 22:22

I had my first at twenty two and my last at thirty three. He goes to school this semptember so I have essentially had a bay or preschooler for just so of sixteen years.
I'm certain that many on MN will read that and assume that I have missed out on many experiences of youth that they deemed to be absolutely necessary for themselves. I'm sure they will also believe that I must have missed out on many important years building my career.
The latter isn't true. I am a well respected professional within my industry and had a first class degree before giving birth. I have never taken a mat leave of longer than twenty four weeks.
Granted I think I may have progressed to go on to do my masters had I not had to prioritise the expense of child rearing but I'm still only in my thirties so that avenue remains open to me.

I consider the downside to young parenthood is that my life seems to have run away with me. In my head I was twenty two a couple of years ago. This is due to the overwhelming pace of life when you are variously pregnant, raising toddlers, dealing with the 11+, senior school transition, GCSEs, maintaining a marriage and home, building a career and bloody pandemic to top it off for the last eighteen months.

I literally wonder, where did those years go? Perhaps I would have been able to be more mindful of the passage of time were I an older parent.

newboe · 20/06/2021 22:23

I'm a 'young' mum and often feel judged as I always get asked 'was baby planned'. I'm 24, own a house with my partner, have a degree and a job and more than happy with how my life turned out. And my now 1 year old was very much planned! I don't think it's age that makes people judge as much but more what stage you are in your life!

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 22:32

*cadburyegg

It’s also insulting to imply everyone would enjoy their children more if they gave birth later.

Put it another way, when you decide to have your children later, you never have to ask yourself "what if". No regret.

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 22:33

That sounds fab, good for you. I feel like even when my DC are adults, I will still be worrying about them and will never feel that carefree feeling I had before they were born.

that was the point. Even when your kids are adults, they are still in your life.

SwimBaby · 20/06/2021 22:36

Yes of course they are still in your life but it’s different, we meet up and do fun stuff together.

mag2305 · 20/06/2021 22:38

People do judge whatever, it's true. My husband and I started trying for a baby two months after we met at the age of 30 and I was pregnant two months after that. I know people thought we were mad and I'm sure family and friends made their judgements of us. Everyone has their own journey and story.

ZednotZee · 20/06/2021 22:44

Put it another way, when you decide to have your children later, you never have to ask yourself "what if". No

Well, yes and no. My own mother had me later and then couldn't conceive thereafter.
This was instrumental in my decision to be a young parent.
I know my mum has very many 'What ifs', having said that she is now thrilled to have five grandchildren to dote upon.

SwimBaby · 20/06/2021 22:46

Put it another way, when you decide to have your children later, you never have to ask yourself "what if". No I don’t think this is necessarily true.

cadburyegg · 20/06/2021 22:49

@khakiandcoral

*cadburyegg

It’s also insulting to imply everyone would enjoy their children more if they gave birth later.

Put it another way, when you decide to have your children later, you never have to ask yourself "what if". No regret.

My mum had me at 42, I’m her only child. She often used to think “what if” she had children earlier, she could have had more than 1.

And yes, not having children means you have more choices. But some people are happy not to do those things anyway

Whyhello · 20/06/2021 22:53

I never judge young parents, only shitty ones. Plenty of young parents are brilliant and plenty of older ones are shit, it’s nothing to do with age really.

RaginaFalangi · 20/06/2021 22:56

@khakiandcoral

If they are too young to afford to live by themselves and be independent, they are too young.

People judge because relying on your own parents means you are not ready. You are not bad parent, but you are more like an older sibling.

I feel sorry for anyone who has a child before they are 30 frankly, so much to do when you can be carefree, selfish and independent, sounds like a wasted youth to become responsible and having to put someone else first.

It doesn't mean I think people are bad parents, just they are missing out on a lot.

I'm 26 and have 2 children and I wouldn't change it for the world, myself and dp stayed with my dad for a bit so we could save for a mortgage because it's near impossible to rent and save at the same time my ds was a few months when we bought our house, we both have good careers and have a good lifestyle so I don't see it as missing out on anything. Imo I couldn't think of anything worse than having a newborn in my 30's. When I'm older I'd rather a relaxing time when dc's are grown up rather than still doing the school run in my 40's.
DariaMorgendorffer · 20/06/2021 22:57

Well said @Whyhello. I've read this entire thread, and so many Confused comments, but you've hit the nail on the head. A good parent is a good parent.

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