To wonder why people judge young parents so much?

[coal0]

My neighbours son and his girlfriend have a little boy, I think he's about 5/6 months now, he's a lovely baby. They all live with my neighbour as her son and his girlfriend are both young. I just can't believe how many people judge! When the baby was first born, my neighbour told me and was being judgy by saying she felt sorry for the baby.

Anyway, earlier the baby was crying outside and his dad was trying to calm him down and he did eventually, he apologised to me after he calmed him down as he noticed I was out. I told him it was fine and he's doing a good job etc. My neighbour then told me that he can't look after his own baby, which is nonsense! I explained to her that the baby would've been crying regardless of his age and that my DD cried constantly as a baby and I had her in my 30s, my neighbour then went back in her house tutting at me.

Why do young parents get judged so much?!

It's mainly snobbery, I think, as it was generally more common in working class families and families who put a high emphasis on tertiary education tend to regard the idea of their parents having kids young with horror. My mum would have gone spare if I'd had a kid under the age of 30.

I don't think its ideal to be living with your parents and raising a child and it would make me suspect they had rushed into it without proper planning. But that doesn't mean they aren't going to be good parents.

kids having kids young with horror. Not parents

Safe sex is not 100% safe, you can still get pregnant

I think there's such a contrast in "acceptable" ages depending where you are. I live in an affluent area and average age of first time mums seems to be late 30s. I'm constantly mistaken for my son's nanny at 30. But people I grew up with all had children in late teens, early twenties. There's no way you see much of that around me.

I don't judge in the sense I think they would be bad parents.... But I can't imagine wanting that for myself, as I loved my university years and then my time spent focusing on my career and having the freedom to travel for work. I had 8 years with my partner before we had a baby and I'm so relieved we got such lovely time together.

People will always judge on age and imo it’s completely unacceptable. I was 27 when I had DS1, not that young but still younger than average. Had lots of comments about why I bothered going to uni etc if I was going to have a baby soon after 🙄 it happens the other end of the scale too of course, my mum was 42 when she had me and she got the opposite

I think that 'young' people are infantalized nowadays and many are happy with this. There have been many threads on here about 'young adults' of 25. That, to me, isn't young.

I was married, mortgage, business and first child at that age. My DD (25) is a qualified Staff Nurse in charge of wards. However - far too many people seem to think that it's now normal to be still living at home up to and beyond the age of 30, just paying a bit of 'keep' to the grown ups (Mum and Dad).

People seem to expect the bank of Mum and Dad to finance cars, university, holidays, deposit for mortgage, etc.

If you are living like this then, Yes, I'd judge you as being not suitable to become a parent yourself. Agree with all the other posters that providing a home and financially supporting your own children is the very basics you need to manage as a parent.

I don't think you'll get a good mix of answers on here as it's a middle-class forum for middle-class people with middle-class ideals. Uni, good career then kids. If you can't sort out a trust fund, save up for uni and put some money towards their first house, then you're a shockingly bad parent. I jest. A bit.

It will always happen I’m 29 with a 14 year old 8 year old and a under 1.
The difference between taking my youngest out to when I took DC1 is huge. However I have supported all my children, works hard , own my own house and the kids want for nothing. Apparently it’s not true though especially on mumsnet 🤣

I don't judge in the sense I think they would be bad parents.... But I can't imagine wanting that for myself, as I loved my university years and then my time spent focusing on my career and having the freedom to travel for work.

I agree with this. I would never presume to judge whether someone was a good or bad parent based on their age unless they were visibly doing something awful. But I have to be honest, its not what I'd want for my own daughter.

While young parents can absolutely make great parents, when women have children young they generally make quite big sacrifices in terms of their education/financial security, it makes you very dependent on your OH if you're not established in work and IMHO not really emotionally ready to be a parent in your late teens/early 20s. Yes plenty of people do a great job of it: I'd be less worried for the kids and more for the woman having the child young.

I pity them.

People will always find a reason judge no matter the circumstances, which is depressing but true. It’s one thing I wish I could’ve told my younger self.

You’ll be judged for being too young, too old, too poor, for only having one child and not providing siblings, for having multiple children and ruining the planet, for having a child too soon after meeting someone, for waiting too long to have a child with someone you’ve been with a long time, for staying in bad relationships, or for being a single parent, for “not making the most of your youth” or equally for wasting your 20s “getting drunk and sleeping about”.

There will always be someone judgemental, perhaps moreso in certain situations but it’s all relative to the individual.

@RampantIvy
Certain things, yes. I would've liked to go travelling. My daughter is currently saving for that now.
But also I'm usually the youngest parent in the room, especially at uni open days etc! Which is quite nice.

But I certainly experienced condescending behaviour from older Mums.

I had two of my kids as a teen. I felt people felt sorry for me a lot which I understand because I feel sorry if I see a young girl with a baby. I usually just ignored anyone tut-tutting. It’s not helpful. The baby’s already born and here so no point in judging. If your neighbour genuinely thought this man couldn’t care for his child she could report that, but she probably was just being mean.

here have been many threads on here about 'young adults' of 25. That, to me, isn't young.

It is to me

We were married with two children by 21. People judged, hard.
Now that we have grown ups, and are still married, those same people sigh about how lucky we are to have so much freedom for ourselves while they are tied down with small children
They also tend to be the ones who say how lucky I was to find a good man so young!

People can be good parents even if they start before the average age.

@Onairjunkie

I pity them.

I pity my friends that are only just starting

@LST
Yes I pity the oldies too!!!

@Seafog

We were married with two children by 21. People judged, hard. Now that we have grown ups, and are still married, those same people sigh about how lucky we are to have so much freedom for ourselves while they are tied down with small children They also tend to be the ones who say how lucky I was to find a good man so young!

People can be good parents even if they start before the average age.

I think being married may stabilise the relationship

Why do you pity the oldies? (Of which I am one!)

I don’t care about judgement or what people think but I’m curious?

Terrible reason to judge and has no reflection on their parenting. A couple of people I know who had babies young were made for it, probably why it happened.
We all learn on the job.

I am old, and my life is great

If they are too young to afford to live by themselves and be independent, they are too young.

People judge because relying on your own parents means you are not ready. You are not bad parent, but you are more like an older sibling.

I feel sorry for anyone who has a child before they are 30 frankly, so much to do when you can be carefree, selfish and independent, sounds like a wasted youth to become responsible and having to put someone else first.

It doesn't mean I think people are bad parents, just they are missing out on a lot.

I don’t judge but most young peoooe who have babies need a lot of support, livingwith their parents, claiming benefits etc and have less ability to house and provide for their own children. Although clearly sadly many older people are also in this position.

It’s not something most of us would like for our own kids.

@khakiandcoral

If they are too young to afford to live by themselves and be independent, they are too young.

People judge because relying on your own parents means you are not ready. You are not bad parent, but you are more like an older sibling.

I feel sorry for anyone who has a child before they are 30 frankly, so much to do when you can be carefree, selfish and independent, sounds like a wasted youth to become responsible and having to put someone else first.

It doesn't mean I think people are bad parents, just they are missing out on a lot.

Couldn't think of anything worse than having a baby now I'm in my 30s. I missed out on nothing due to a great support network. I am so glad I had mine at 21 and 23.

@Bluntness100

I don’t judge but most young peoooe who have babies need a lot of support, livingwith their parents, claiming benefits etc and have less ability to house and provide for their own children. Although clearly sadly many older people are also in this position.

It’s not something most of us would like for our own kids.

Yes and often the cycle repeats.