To wonder why people judge young parents so much?

[coal0]

My neighbours son and his girlfriend have a little boy, I think he's about 5/6 months now, he's a lovely baby. They all live with my neighbour as her son and his girlfriend are both young. I just can't believe how many people judge! When the baby was first born, my neighbour told me and was being judgy by saying she felt sorry for the baby.

Anyway, earlier the baby was crying outside and his dad was trying to calm him down and he did eventually, he apologised to me after he calmed him down as he noticed I was out. I told him it was fine and he's doing a good job etc. My neighbour then told me that he can't look after his own baby, which is nonsense! I explained to her that the baby would've been crying regardless of his age and that my DD cried constantly as a baby and I had her in my 30s, my neighbour then went back in her house tutting at me.

Why do young parents get judged so much?!

@khakiandcoral she said youngsters not young parents. That is a terribly patronising thing to call a grown adult who is a parent.

[quote LST]@khakiandcoral she said youngsters not young parents. That is a terribly patronising thing to call a grown adult who is a parent.[/quote]
the thread and the OP literally says "young parents"

Forgive me if I misunderstood @LST, I thought:

What I am saying is I still have my GPS and DPS GPS

Meant: ‘I still have my grandparents and my dear parents’ grandparents.’

Ergo: your great-grandparents. Which is quite unusual.

@Briarshollow

Forgive me if I misunderstood *@LST*, I thought:

What I am saying is I still have my GPS and DPS GPS

Meant: ‘I still have my grandparents and my dear parents’ grandparents.’

Ergo: your great-grandparents. Which is quite unusual.

No I meant Dear Partners Grand Parents. My great grandmother died when I was 17

@khakiandcoral yes the op did. But not the poster I was quoting

[quote LST]@khakiandcoral she said youngsters not young parents. That is a terribly patronising thing to call a grown adult who is a parent.[/quote]
English isn’t my first language and I didn’t know ‘youngsters’ was deemed patronising, it certainly wasn’t intended that way. I thought it was deemed affectionate if anything. I think you’d probably try to find anything I say to pounce on now.

I also think you’ve taken real offence to me saying I pity them. But I do. I’m being honest. It’s not a personal slight to you for having children as a young person.

I was a relatively young mum (21 when DS was born). I lived with DH (we were engaged at that point) and had worked full time since I was 17, when I left home to live with my ex boyfriend. I don't feel I missed out on anything. I had a place at uni but wasn't interested, we had a great life and over time we ended up comfortable and able to give DS more than his older brothers. DH had been a single dad for 10 years when we met so was very experienced, I had a much younger sibling that I had taken care of so knew the basics. I'm glad that as I enter my 40s I am able to do what I like without being stuck with childcare problems, and have the money to do as I please.

I’ve been young, eldest is now 20, next 16 then had their little brothers at 30/31.

Not all young parents don’t have their own home, my ex and I had our own home - owned he had a job after uni & I was training to be a nurse, we were 21/22 so not teens but young nevertheless. I finished my training whilst he was little. So mum to him but still have younger ones in the house so a bit of both. Would never judge anyone for when they have their kids, as long as they are loved, safe and cared for

I think in the situation you described I would feel sorry for the dad. Probably because it is a huge responsibility that does curb your ability to be spontaneous which is one of the best things about being young. Also whilst living with his parents they are probably putting a lot of financial and emotional pressure on your neighbour. If they were able to support themselves that would be another matter but lots of young parents require some support from somewhere (often parents or grandparents) who have raised their own children and don't want to go back to sleepless nights and nappies. So many young parents will say they are doing the absolute best for their children and I have no doubt that they are but who is supporting you to do that? If it is parents who are letting you live rent free or having baby overnight then you aren't being independent and taking on all the responsibilities of parenthood.

On the flip side my mum was a young mum, married at 19 and had me at 20. When she was due to give birth to me a midwife said with dismay that she was a baby having a baby and that comment stayed with my mum. She felt judged. She never wanted to go to uni, just wanted a husband and family life. 18 years later she wanted so much more for the rest of us. Each to their own!

It's obviously not ideal, but contraception isn't 100% effective - and unless the people judging were vestal virgins themselves till their wedding night, they're bloody hypocrites.

It seems to be fine for a section of judgy folk to blithely talk about abortion as an option - whilst that's certainly a legitimate option for people who make that choice, it's still a bit shit for folk to be saying that young parents' babies would literally be better off dead. Who the fuck do they think they are?!

@woodhill

I think it's often because the teenagers are not established financially and are reliant on their own dps or the taxpayer. They may have not finished their education and it can seem irresponsible if the dc is unplanned

Yes exactly. Fine if they can support themselves, but you are much more likely to be able to do that once you have worked for a while and have a reasonably stable career, than you are as a teenager .

@HavelockVetinari

It's obviously not ideal, but contraception isn't 100% effective - and unless the people judging were vestal virgins themselves till their wedding night, they're bloody hypocrites.

It seems to be fine for a section of judgy folk to blithely talk about abortion as an option - whilst that's certainly a legitimate option for people who make that choice, it's still a bit shit for folk to be saying that young parents' babies would literally be better off dead. Who the fuck do they think they are?!

😳 where was the abortion comment? I didn’t see that.

@onairjunkie yeah if you were addressing a child it would be acceptable. Not an adult with a child. And I can 100% guarantee I did not need your pity when I had ds1 at 21. My 20s were the happiest time of my life and I cannot wait to carry on into my 30s with my kids who wouldn't be here at all ever if I hadn't had them when I did.

The depiction of teenage parenthood on MN is very far removed to what I typically see in real life. On a thread on teenage pregnancy on here, you'll often have multiple people claiming that their sister/friend/cousin had a baby at 15 and went on to achieve a doctorate/six figure income/Nobel prize by the age of 30, so it'll all work out fine.

Then there seems to be a bit of a leap from "teenage parenthood can work out alright" to "teenage parenthood is better than waiting until your older". It tends to involve an anecdote about knowing dozens of university graduates only being able to work as waiters and living with their parents until their late 30s, while they themselves were married with a house and five children by the age of 23. But only because they were very mature.

I'm from an area which had very high teenage pregnancy rates. Thinking of my school, you did have teenagers who were very mature and would likely have made excellent parents despite being so young, and you had quite a few people who became parents as teenagers. There wasn't much overlap between these two groups.
Of my friends who had children that young, they mostly had a very hard time of it. They had no money, few qualifications, were forced into very low paying jobs and often stayed living with their parents at least until their child was in school, often longer. And, unkind though it may be to say, they often weren't especially good parents. My sister had a baby at 17 and did, I think, manage better than most, but it severely impacted her opportunities.

There will, of course, be teenage parents who manage very well and there will be parents of all ages who are crap but, for the majority of people I know who had children as teenagers, it was not for the better.

[quote LST]@onairjunkie yeah if you were addressing a child it would be acceptable. Not an adult with a child. And I can 100% guarantee I did not need your pity when I had ds1 at 21. My 20s were the happiest time of my life and I cannot wait to carry on into my 30s with my kids who wouldn't be here at all ever if I hadn't had them when I did. [/quote]
I wouldn’t have offered you my pity at the time, merely kept it to myself. I’m glad things are how you want them to be.

To give the alternative view, that of the children, my DM had me and my brother by the time she was 15, my DF was 17. With hindsight, it would have been much better for us if someone had made a judgement and allowed us to be adopted. We grew up in poverty with two squabbling, often violent, teenagers who went onto choose to have another child when my DM was 20. She spent the majority of our childhood making up for what she missed out on having affair after affair, ignoring us and pushing her responsibilities onto me. My childhood was chaotic and neglectful. As a result all three of their children are NC with each other and both parents. My DM is on her third marriage.

I would have loved to have had two adults with a stable income and stable emotions as parents.

@onairjunkie things are far far from how I want them to be. I am waiting for multiple joint replacements due to aggressive arthritis, so pity me for that. But my kids or myself have never or would never need pity for them being born to a parent in their early 20s

There will, of course, be teenage parents who manage very well and there will be parents of all ages who are crap but, for the majority of people I know who had children as teenagers, it was not for the better.

This is what I mean. It is likely to make life just that little bit smaller and very much harder. And that makes me feel pity/sorry/sad/condolence/sorrow for them.

[quote LST]@onairjunkie things are far far from how I want them to be. I am waiting for multiple joint replacements due to aggressive arthritis, so pity me for that. But my kids or myself have never or would never need pity for them being born to a parent in their early 20s[/quote]
I meant regarding your children. I know nothing of the rest of your life.

I was 25 (and married) when I had DS but I did look much younger than my age especially when I had no makeup on and hair up in a bun (anything from 16-18 I was told) and I often (on numerous occasions) had older ladies in supermarkets etc tutting at me and even making disparaging comments about how disgusting it was to see unmarried teenagers having babies.
On one occasion I asked them how old they were when they had a child, I think they replied with a similar or slightly younger age than I was, I pointed this out and they said ‘yes but I was married’ and I pointed out that it was non of their business but I was also married! So maybe they should keep their judgmental comments to themselves.

I don’t think I judge any parents by age, I just tend to judge if they are horrible, shouty or slapping parents. I have seen some lovely tender parents of all ages and similarly mixed age horrible parents.
I would never judge based on parental age because you have absolutely no idea of people’s individual circumstances and also you can do something really well at any age if you care about it and are committed.

and I often (on numerous occasions) had older ladies in supermarkets etc tutting at me and even making disparaging comments about how disgusting it was to see unmarried teenagers having babies.

Most people wouldn't think any of it, no one knows if you are the mother, the nanny, the au-pair, the big sister, the aunt!

I'd never judge anyone. I don't know their circumstances.
My best friend had her first at 15. Child is an adult and very successful with children of her own now.
Others shouldn't even have children in their 30s/40s as they don't have the emotional maturity.

I just think teenaged parents are barely out of childhood themselves & then having to parent. So it's a bit sad that they're experiencing from a different angle before they've started life. My mum had me at 20 because she got married at 19 and that's how it was back then. She definitely encouraged my siblings to experience life first before parenthood.

It’s not fair on the individual level but statistically

Children of young parents have poorer outcomes

And

Young parents are extremely unlikely to be financially supporting their children

Hence the bias, even if it’s unfair to the individual.