To wonder why people judge young parents so much?

[coal0]

My neighbours son and his girlfriend have a little boy, I think he's about 5/6 months now, he's a lovely baby. They all live with my neighbour as her son and his girlfriend are both young. I just can't believe how many people judge! When the baby was first born, my neighbour told me and was being judgy by saying she felt sorry for the baby.

Anyway, earlier the baby was crying outside and his dad was trying to calm him down and he did eventually, he apologised to me after he calmed him down as he noticed I was out. I told him it was fine and he's doing a good job etc. My neighbour then told me that he can't look after his own baby, which is nonsense! I explained to her that the baby would've been crying regardless of his age and that my DD cried constantly as a baby and I had her in my 30s, my neighbour then went back in her house tutting at me.

Why do young parents get judged so much?!

Because statistically, the 'outcomes' for children born to young parents, are thought to be worse. I say outcomes in inserted commas because they don't show happiness etc but they are less likely to do well at school, more likely to have lower incomes, parents more likely to split up, more likely to be a family using benefits etc. That doesnt mean that on an individual level they are not likely to be 'successful' but at population level, it's less likely. Also when parents are so young that they have not finished their education they are more likely to live with extended family and they are not actually supporting their own children. Lastly the cycle continues and children born to very young parents are more likely to have children very young themselves. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the above and I wouldnt personally judge but it does make me a bit sad when I see say a 17 year old having a baby, probably because I remember how young I was at that age and how much I'd have missed out on

One might pity “oldies” as bringing up young kids is hard work, and of course there are exceptions but the older we get the more tired our bodies become, more health struggles, less fit and active and able to run after toddlers and deal with sleep deprivation (huge generalisation obviously).

Then there’s the fact by the time the kids are old enough to fly the nest, you will be older yourself and will miss out on the twilight “child free” years that those who had kids young will get to enjoy.

I was a “semi” oldie and for me the trouble was I had established such a good career, I was determined to still work full time and have kids, which i found incredibly tough. I’m glad I did it now, but I often wonder if I was younger I could’ve maybe switched to a more child friendly or less-demanding job and the drop in salary wouldn’t have affected me as much as it did later on (when my mortgage etc depended on the big wage) .

Again all relative to the individual and their experiences.

Couldn't think of anything worse than having a baby now I'm in my 30s. I missed out on nothing due to a great support network. I am so glad I had mine at 21 and 23.

so you couldn't do it on your own,
you won't know what you missed because you have never experienced it,
and you are still a parent who put their kids first.

fine, but most people wouldn't have been able to travel, go to uni, start a career and become financially independent and relax when finally have kids. I think it's healthy to have a few years to be entirely selfish, you enjoy kids a lot more later.

I was a young single mum. I never felt judged but I am sure people spoke behind my back! Some people like to judge everything though. I bet it's not the only thing your neighbours have an opinion on.

as above I was a young mum at 18 and I would never judge young parents as I know what it's like but I look at youngsters now and think how was I ever that young when I had my first child? I didn't realise how young I was at the time.

you will be older yourself and will miss out on the twilight “child free” years that those who had kids young will get to enjoy.
Don't the oldies enjoy the child free years when they're young?

@khakiandcoral

Couldn't think of anything worse than having a baby now I'm in my 30s. I missed out on nothing due to a great support network. I am so glad I had mine at 21 and 23.

so you couldn't do it on your own,
you won't know what you missed because you have never experienced it,
and you are still a parent who put their kids first.

fine, but most people wouldn't have been able to travel, go to uni, start a career and become financially independent and relax when finally have kids. I think it's healthy to have a few years to be entirely selfish, you enjoy kids a lot more later.

I could do it on my own. What I am saying is I still have my GPS and DPS GPS. So the kids have had so many people around them their whole lives. If I'd have waited then there wouldn't be that chance. I didn't want to go to uni and we have a van and have travelled all over the UK. we didn't have much disposable income when we were younger and always had something better to spend money on than travel abroad. Now we are older and settled we have more money and we can share our abroad travel with our kids who are old enough to enjoy it with us.

“Don’t the oldies enjoy the child free years when they’re young”

Some do yes, like I say depends on the individual. A lot of young people these days need to live with their parents until they’re 30 trying to save deposits, as they can’t afford extortionate rents. Not exactly the carefree independent years that people reminisce about. The reality is often different to what is portrayed on Mumsnet.

Then there’s the fact by the time the kids are old enough to fly the nest, you will be older yourself and will miss out on the twilight “child free” years that those who had kids young will get to enjoy.

Just picking up on this point, I had a great time with my child free years, as the child of a teenage parents it was drilled into me to work hard and play hard while I had no responsibilities, that once you become a parent you’ll always be a parent.

Seeing the childhood my much younger siblings had simply reinforced that. My parents were more settled, patient and able to give them more attention, care and support than I got. On the other hand my parents have been parenting for a loooong time as they had me so young.

I don’t judge young parents, many do a great job from what I can tell but I do think it’s often harder than being an older parent as they are usually juggling more (career, finances, education, themselves).

I had children later than planned due to non-age related IVF and while I wouldn’t have chosen to be quite this old, I am grateful for the extra years of freedom even if they were marred by periods of pain.

I had my DC young, I was in my forties when my youngest of three DC started university. At that age other parents were looking after toddlers but I had freedom was jetting off on holiday every couple of months.
Of course swings and roundabouts but I wouldn’t fancy menopause or peri menopause and looking after young DC at the same time. Or caring for toddlers and elderly parents either. Plus hopefully I’ll get longer with any DGC if I’m fortunate enough to have them.

[quote FrameyMcFrame]@LST
Yes I pity the oldies too!!!
[/quote]
Another thread where the ‘young mums’ get defensive that people don’t aspire to their choices and get nasty.

‘Oldies’? Are you for real? Would you say that to a woman who had children late due to issues with fertility?

Using words like 'pity' is going to get people's backs up

Yeh look everyone’s got different experiences that’s the point I’m (poorly) trying to make. If people must make judgements - it should be on behavioural level rather than on a particular situation someone ends up in.

There are so many viewpoints and life experiences that there can be no “right” way. As long as people are good parents that should be what matters.

Personally my 20s were a good laugh but went on too long. Too much uncertainty around meeting “the one” after meeting around 1000 f*ckboys, feeling worthless, etc. Also didn’t have a lot of money despite working hard so couldn’t always keep up with all the nights out my friends were having. I hope/think that by the time my kids are older I’ll be late 40s, comfortable, established, and definitely more “carefree” than I was in my 20s.

There is an inbetween, I had my dcs in my 20s but we had a house and had married. I still have one ds at home who is a young adult but we do our own thing

I could do it on my own. What I am saying is I still have my GPS and DPS GPS.

You had great grandparents when you had your kids @LST? Sounds like having kids young is something that is normal for your family. ‘The cycle tends to repeat’ as a previous poster said.

you will be older yourself and will miss out on the twilight “child free” years that those who had kids young will get to enjoy.

"child free'" years start when they are teenagers

The years when you are actually needed full time (even with childcare) are quite short, plenty of time! Plus I actually find spending time very enjoyable personally.

Nothing guarantee that your own children wouldn't want their own babies really young and that you won't end up being a grand-parent earlier than you imagined.

Being able to relax with work when you have young children is a huge bonus.

I don’t judge but I am thankful it didn’t happen to me. Lots have families young then they do career but I will always feel blessed that I did so much on the hop and had so many adventures. None of this would have happened with children at a young age. Also, what would I have been able to teach them having no life experience?

@LST

Using words like 'pity' is going to get people's backs up

I do pity youngsters who are saddled with a baby that they may not be emotionally ready for and almost certainly aren’t financially ready for, yes. I can think of another word for pity if it’s the term you don’t like. I feel sorry for them?

It would be fucking hard work, a huge learning curve and would limit someone’s opportunities. That’s not to say they couldn’t make up for lost time later but it would be hard and their lives may have taken a different direction by then.

It does as has been mentioned go back to the 70s/80s and the Thatcher years. Though the judgement really should be on feckless dads, of which one was in Mrs Thatcher's government, Cecil Parkinson.

@onairjunkie so it is teen parents you pity then? Not young parents.

I don't judge other parents but would not want DS to become a young parent. OK he's 2 so a long way off but life when young should be fun and a chance to experience things not worry about sleeping, nappies and extortionate toddler shoes!

Life becomes a lot more complicated and harder with children regardless of age but the stats do indicate it's more of a battle the younger people are. Obviously this won't be all.

[quote LST]@onairjunkie so it is teen parents you pity then? Not young parents.[/quote]
what do you call a young parent?

Teens and up to mid 20s are young parents I would think.

‘Oldies’? Are you for real? Would you say that to a woman who had children late due to issues with fertility?

That’s me in all honesty, as I’ve got older I don’t give a shit what people think.

I personally wouldn’t have been able to centre my DC as I have if I had been younger, my parents weren’t able to do so for me because they were still finding their place in the world and growing themselves.

An earlier PP is right, I wasn’t ready for DC before 30 and wouldn’t have coped well. Many do, but I would t have and I would have wanted to do more than ‘cope’.

@Briarshollow

I could do it on my own. What I am saying is I still have my GPS and DPS GPS.

You had great grandparents when you had your kids @LST? Sounds like having kids young is something that is normal for your family. ‘The cycle tends to repeat’ as a previous poster said.

I had 1 great grandparent. Who was almost a hundred. My parents were in their late 20s and my DPS were too. Where have I even mentioned great grandparents in my original post? And why does it matter if 'the cycle' of 20+ year olds who have jobs and their own home having a kid continues? I'm 31 and disabled now. So if I'd have waited I wouldn't have been able to have kids. You sound horrifically judgemental

[quote LST]@onairjunkie so it is teen parents you pity then? Not young parents.[/quote]
No, young parents. Some 18 year olds live alone and are self-sufficient and some 23 year olds aren’t.

But generally, up to early 20s, the age I would consider someone a young parent, careers and subsequent earning potential is hardly underway, sometimes education isn’t complete, housing is often with other family members, and so conditions for bringing home a baby are hardly ideal. As I think Bluntness alluded to, life at that age is often very dependent on others.

@Onairjunkie

A joke, sorry

Ultimately no one gets it right here.

But.... it's ok to mention the advantages of having children young.

You're not really old once they're teenagers.
Your age gap is not insurmountable.
You have cultural common ground.
You are young enough to cope with the challenges of teen/post teen times