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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To save a bit of the meal for my own DD?

287 replies

FathersDayMeal · 19/06/2021 21:24

I am going to my dads tomorrow to cook a meal for me, my DF and sibling for Father’s Day. I’m a single parent and my own DD (aged almost 7) will be with my ExH for the day (as is right).

I have paid for everything to do with the meal and will be cooking it in my slow cooker tonight. The only thing I will do at my DFs is cook the vegetables and finish off the meat in his oven to crisp it and warm it up. The only ingredients my DF or sibling will provide is the condiments like mustard, and the plates it’ll be eaten off, that’s it.

When arranging the meal I said I was happy to pay for it all but I would like to save a bit of meat and vegetables for DD – it should be my weekend with her and I always do us a roast dinner, ExH will not feed her (I provide for her on his weekends as well) so she will have the roast when she comes home. I thought this was a fair compromise, my DD eats very little so there will still be loads for my DF and sibling.

My DF is fine with this but my sibling thinks that because DD won’t be at the meal she shouldn’t get any. They think ExH should feed her which I agree with but the only time ExH ever feeds DD is if they go passed a mcdonalds on the way to or from somewhere - there’s a big park about 15 miles from us he likes to take DD to and they go on the way back from there as there isn’t a mcdonalds in our town), never any other time apart from maybe a sandwich – he has her for 1 overnight EOW and I send meals for him to reheat for DD otherwise he gives her a ham sandwich and not much else.

So AIBU to expect some of the meal I am paying for and cooking to be given to my DD?

Or is my Sibling right and I should make her a seperate meal when she comes back from ExHs?

YANBU - Save some food
YABU - Make something else later

OP posts:
3Britnee · 20/06/2021 08:49

How much does the sibling eat op? Are they a binger? Will they try to eat everything?

Zzelda · 20/06/2021 08:52

If your sibling is that worried about going hungry, tell them they'll have to bring some sandwiches to fill the gaps.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/06/2021 08:56

Carvery is lovely reheated - I'd take some for tomorrows dinners too, DD can enjoy a dinner for 2 days.

tempester28 · 20/06/2021 09:02

There should be no conversation needed here. However I wonder if your sibling is using the scenario to raise the problem of your exh not feeding your DD with you? rather than actually having a problem with you taking an extra dinner home.

Inertia · 20/06/2021 09:04

If you are genuinely not sure whether it’s right to keep some food you’ve bought and cooked for your small child who wouldn’t be fed otherwise, there are serious questions to be asked about boundaries.

Put some of the meat in your fridge before you take it to your dad’s.
When you cook the veg, take out a share for your daughter and put it straight into the fridge to cool at your dads - don’t expect to dish out a share once it’s on the table.

Your sibling can bring food if they don’t think they’ll get enough.

Why is a neglectful man allowed to have overnight care of your child?

Twoforthree · 20/06/2021 09:13

Talk about entitlement! Your sibling should be bloody grateful for whatever he gets on his plate.
Why on earth did you bother mentioning it? I’d have just done it as a given.

SpacePug · 20/06/2021 09:15

YANBU at all. Sibling is very weird, I can't see the problem in making up a plate for your DD so you don't have to cook for her later. Can't you just make up the plate/tupperware tub whatever before everyone else eats, put it in the fridge and not really mention it. You bought it and are cooking it after all

Newestname001 · 20/06/2021 09:26

@FathersDayMeal

My DF is fine with this but my sibling thinks that because DD won’t be at the meal she shouldn’t get any.

Your sibling is selfish, greedy and actually doesn't get a say in this, particularly as he's a guest at the meal YOU are totally providing. Actually nobody does, except for you - especially as you've bought more than enough for a family of 8. Doesn't sound as though your sibling cares for their DN to even consider saying this.

I'm with the other PPs. Remove a portion of the meat for your daughter before you leave for your DF's and save a portion of the veg in your dad's fridge before serving up the rest.

What was your DF's response to your sibling's comment? 🌹

Permanentlygrumpy · 20/06/2021 09:26

Leave a portion of the meal for your dd in the crock pot and take the rest to your dad's house. This way there is a guaranteed meal for your dd in case she's not had her tea when she gets in.

I bet you your sibling will gobble everything up today to ensure there aren't any leftovers for your dd........

catfunk · 20/06/2021 09:30

I can't believe it's even a conversation. What kind of person would begrudge a toddler half a potato and a few peas ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

KindnessCrusader · 20/06/2021 09:30

I don't think the sibling is an arsehole, I think they're pointing out that the child's father should be feeding them. I agree.

AllieBallyBee · 20/06/2021 09:38

There's something very wrong with your family dynamic that this is even an issue.

If what you've written is everything, than everyone needs to stop pandering to your sibling like a small child.

Though your OP reads as very much one side of a conversation. I wonder if your ex not feeding your child is really the issue here and that's what the sibling is really upset about. It is absolutely bloody ridiculous that you are providing food on days your Ex has your child.

There's more to this than your OP suggests I reckon.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/06/2021 09:39

Of course the father should be feeding the child properly but he is not, it's not right unfortunately its his choice as a parent if he wants to his fed on crap.

Luckily this DC has a DM who ensures she eats well, many DC don't.
My neighbour has his kids all weekend wearing the one outfit for days, munching pringles on the street all day.
Their DM is lovely.

3Britnee · 20/06/2021 09:40

@KindnessCrusader

I don't think the sibling is an arsehole, I think they're pointing out that the child's father should be feeding them. I agree.
He should but he isn't. Should food that is there really be taken out of the kid's mouth because the father should be feeding her?
Oatsandraisens · 20/06/2021 09:44

Did your sibling actually say that because your child isn't there she shouldn't get any? Or just pointing out if she's with her father he should feed her? Feeding a child is pretty basic, if your ex can't do that, what else is he not doing? I wouldn't send my child anywhere if I knew they'd be neglected.

BusyLizzie61 · 20/06/2021 09:49

I agree that the ex should be feeding her and in many ways you're encouraging the lackadaisical approach by providing meals, rather than forcing him to step up.

However, I don't see the issue with your making a meal for her, I'd usually make more than enough to have a second meal regardless or to have as bubble and squeak! Rarely do I know of anyone who uses all of the joint of meat on their roast! Especially if having the trimmings as well.

KindnessCrusader · 20/06/2021 09:55

@3Britnee I couldn't figure out from the op that the sibling had suggested the child shouldn't get some of the meal, rather that they should be fed by the Father. That's why I find this confusing-it's surely a non issue, because the sibling isn't saying don't give the child some of the food, they're commenting on the Father not feeding his child and saying that op shouldn't HAVE to...
Maybe I've read it wrong but I just can't make the op say what others are seeing.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 20/06/2021 10:05

my sibling thinks that because DD won’t be at the meal she shouldn’t get any

I don't see how that can be interpreted any differently.

3Britnee · 20/06/2021 10:08

[quote KindnessCrusader]@3Britnee I couldn't figure out from the op that the sibling had suggested the child shouldn't get some of the meal, rather that they should be fed by the Father. That's why I find this confusing-it's surely a non issue, because the sibling isn't saying don't give the child some of the food, they're commenting on the Father not feeding his child and saying that op shouldn't HAVE to...
Maybe I've read it wrong but I just can't make the op say what others are seeing. [/quote]
@KindnessCrusader I read it that it was about the siblings greed, where op said they have anxiety about there not being enough food.

KindnessCrusader · 20/06/2021 10:09

@3Britnee
You might be right.

MakeMineALarge1 · 20/06/2021 10:11

Just when you think things on here can't get any more ridiculous!

3Britnee · 20/06/2021 10:11

[quote KindnessCrusader]@3Britnee
You might be right. [/quote]
@KindnessCrusader Hopefully op comes back and updates us later tells us she plated up a big dinner in front of sibling and put it aside but dished up her daughter's size for sibling

GrapefruitGin · 20/06/2021 10:12

Why is this even a question? So confused

Mintyt · 20/06/2021 10:14

I wouldn't even ask them if it's ok for me to give my food to my child. Why did you even ask

AdaColeman · 20/06/2021 10:15

Of course you can feed your daughter whatever you like from food that you are providing. Your sibling needs to give their head a wobble!

I'd be inclined to just take a portion of the meal to your father's today, leaving plenty for your child and you. I'd be thinking twice about providing food for sibling & father in the future, they would be on short commons from now on!

However, your Ex should definitely be providing food for his child whenever she is in his care. That should be none negotiable. Stop colluding in his poor parenting. Give him notice that he must take responsibility for feeding his child.