DS's girlfriend is pregnant

[vorladung]

I've name changed

My DS has just turned 20. His girlfriend is 28 and she has an almost 8 yearold son. They've been together for just over a year and half. When they got together I was a bit but I never told DS and I always supported their relationship and supported him helping his girlfriend bring her son up (his biological dad isn't involved). He now lives with her and her son.

Today he came around and told me that she's about 18 weeks pregnant, I was very shocked but I was supportive and he told me he didn't tell me earlier because he needed to get his head around it but now he's happy and so is his girlfriend.

I feel a bit sad as well as he's only 20 and he's already got a family but I'm also proud of him because he's helping to bring up another mans child.

I just feel terrible for being sad as I should be happy for them.

@Briarshollow

Just because settling down with an older man with a child at 19 suited you *@Newmumatlast doesn’t mean it’s a great idea for everyone. I would think you’re in the minority. I would think much fewer people dream of having two kids at 20 these days, and instead dream of building a successful career, earning some money, buying a house, travelling, etc all of which are significantly harder to achieve with two kids and the responsibility to support said kids and another adult. At just 20 years old!* that’s not an aspirational set up by any stretch.

What did your parents make of it? Did you have a supportive network at home?

I’m not sure what you’re labouring the point for though as the OP has behaved impeccably, is actively working to not upset her son, but is being honest about her sadness. I suspect you’re just trying to prove it’s not the end of the world, but also I think we should allow her to be sad for the life her son very likely won’t have now.

Nowhere have I said that settling down with an older man (or woman) with a child at 19 is for everyone. Not at all. My responses are due to comments which seemed to suggest it would be devastating in all situations. I think, given OPs son is already in this situation, it is helpful to balance that out with positive examples.

You say much fewer people dream of having two kids at 20 these days, and instead dream of building a successful career, earning some money, buying a house, travelling, etc. I don't doubt that nor did I say I dreamt of that either. I am simply noting that those things can still be achievable. It doesn't mean that all access is denied. Yes they are significantly harder to achieve - but I know plenty of people who came to my career later in life when they already and kids and are successful. Yes it may require an alteration to plans but not a completely shut door.

You say it isnt an aspirational set up but it depends what your aspirations are. And if things work out differently to those, recognising you don't have to give up on those aspirations you may just need to adjust your time frame.

My parents didnt suggest anything negative at all. I don't know if they may have thought negatively, they didn't show it. But they are very supportive. That makes a difference. So too that my partner is very supportive. I was never made to feel I couldn't achieve what I set out to. And in turn I helped him achieve more too.

I am not labouring the point and haven't criticised OP for feeling as she does. If you read my posts you'll see I have not suggested we should not allow her to be sad. Not at all. I would feel the same. But actually rather than her reading a load of posts about how devastating this all is, I thought it was perhaps helpful to see some positive. And not just me. My best friend who has her own business too. And in terms of friends who were the parent not the step parent, I have another close friend who also has her own business having had 2 children young (2 different dads and a single mum for a while). A colleague had her child with an older man during uni, changed to a local one for childcare and carried on. On much more £ than me and very happy. All working class too. Its about support I think. If you have a good support network you can achieve much more. And OP is clearly a very loving supportive mum so there's no reason why her son cannot still achieve all he wants to, though granted with some adjustments and no doubt delay to time frame

Honestly, the more I think about this, the more I feel for you OP. What a mess. And yet you are expected by some to be super excited about a new baby. Excitement is the last emotion I would be experiencing.

So potentially the OP's DS could well have been playing in the same play centre as OP's as

*as his DP's son at one point, I meant!

@PerciphonePuma

So potentially the OP's DS could well have been playing in the same play centre as OP's as

Oh come on. Son is 20. Step child is nearly 8, so 7. Son was therefore 13 when he was born. It's highly unlikely they were playing at the same play centre. And making comments like that isn't going to help OP

Sounds like you're doing and saying all the right things. Perfectly reasonable to have your own feelings about it.

I think all you can do is be excited and supportive but I’d be secretly gutted too. I had my dd at a similar age to your son and with hindsight I was much too young despite thinking I had my life sorted and having been with my then partner for about 5 years (dd was planned). My dd is now nearly the same age I was when I had her and she seems so young! I just want to tell her to go out and enjoy herself, have adventures, don’t settle down. There’s all the time in the world for that. But young people always seem desperate to grow up too quickly.

I’d also be gutted and I did have DC young myself. 20 isn’t crazily young but it would be nice for everyone to enjoy that period of life child free really. Still, if he is happy that’s the most important thing.

"I feel a bit sad as well as he's only 20 and he's already got a family but I'm also proud of him because he's helping to bring up another mans child."

Why would you feel proud that your young son is, shall we say, "raising a cuckoo"? A forty-something man moving in with a woman and child is one thing, but a twenty-year-old?

I am concerned that your son has developed co-dependent tendencies and, as a result, has fallen into the web of a predatory older female. I think your son is being exploited and you should be encouraging him, unborn child not withstanding, to re-evaluate his relationship with this woman.

Nothing good has come from his relationship with her and nothing good will come of it.

wow! 'raising a cuckoo'? fucking hell, thats just negated the efforts/love/care and parenting of so many people - you do know that a huge amount of people raising step children do so with love and actually choose to do so, they have not been coerced, they actually like the children of the person they have fallen in love with?, and that for huge amounts of people that have been bought up by step parents
who love them dearly and are very thankful for them?

no?, lets just call these kids 'cuckoos'!

the bloke is 20, the woman involved is not yet 30, give him the grace to know his own mind.

@thebabessavedme

wow! 'raising a cuckoo'? fucking hell, thats just negated the efforts/love/care and parenting of so many people - you do know that a huge amount of people raising step children do so with love and actually choose to do so, they have not been coerced, they actually like the children of the person they have fallen in love with?, and that for huge amounts of people that have been bought up by step parents who love them dearly and are very thankful for them?

no?, lets just call these kids 'cuckoos'!

the bloke is 20, the woman involved is not yet 30, give him the grace to know his own mind.

Not all of them.... Hence why Mumsnet is such a support too these many varying and sometimes very conflicted blended families.

I said 'a great many', not all! I still stand by what I said, I think the term 'cuckoo' regarding a step child is bloody awful. My dd has only ever known the 'step father' who bought her up, both of them would be very upset if she was ever refered to as a 'cuckoo', the love they have for each other is nothing less for lack of DNA.

I also have a son of 20 and would be gutted, and secretly furious, if he came home and told me this.
Sorry to say I think that your son’s girlfriend has planned this and sees your son as her meal ticket for the next 18 years.

@PiersPlowman

"I feel a bit sad as well as he's only 20 and he's already got a family but I'm also proud of him because he's helping to bring up another mans child."

Why would you feel proud that your young son is, shall we say, "raising a cuckoo"? A forty-something man moving in with a woman and child is one thing, but a twenty-year-old?

I am concerned that your son has developed co-dependent tendencies and, as a result, has fallen into the web of a predatory older female. I think your son is being exploited and you should be encouraging him, unborn child not withstanding, to re-evaluate his relationship with this woman.

Nothing good has come from his relationship with her and nothing good will come of it.

raising a cuckoo Same for adopted parents, then? You're speaking of all step parents and non-biological parents with that, very bold.

Some comments here are absolutely hysterical. He is 20 not 10.

I find it weird that so many girls have babies at this age & much younger but the grooming stuff isn’t brought into it, is it because mummy’s little boys must be groomed to take them away 🤦🏼‍♀️

He was 18 and if he was in the army everyone would say that he had grown into an amazing man blah blah. But as he’s got with an older woman he’s a child 😂

So he’s 20 an actual man, has got someone pregnant- that the mum doesn’t like because she has a kid already, more of an issue than the age it comes across as.
He is happy not trapped, he can still go to university, or do anything he wants, like most people with children.

I don’t know how people are acting like she’s a predator that just wanted a baby so her kid could have a sibling so pounced on the 1st 18 year old that she could get her hands on 😂
She’s mid 20’s not mid 40’s her clock isn’t ticking.

If you have sons then please teach them about contraception & the consequences of not using it. Because blaming someone for trapping them is ridiculous and honestly just looks like the mummy’s don’t want to take responsibility for raising a son that does things like this so it’s the other person’s fault.

As a parent we all need to teach our children about being groomed & trapped. If he is vulnerable and in the position to be groomed then why? I know anyone can be groomed but it’s mostly vulnerable kids - he’s not a kid! But mostly it’s vulnerable kids & adults that are groomed. Nowhere it’s mentioned that he is vulnerable and if he’s just a man than seems to have his head screwed on, he works and supports a family that he chose.

Where is your evidence that she groomed and trapped him? How did she groom him? By being a few years older? How did she trap him? Was you there? Maybe he wanted a kid, maybe he switched her pills? Maybe he planned it with her.

Throwing grooming out there really doesn’t help this situation or the people that are genuinely being groomed, if this man was unhappy then over the last 2 years that OP would have noticed, picked up on signs, seen some controlling behaviour.

Don’t presume anything in other people’s business, because a post online makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t mean that a woman that has a young son is a predator after ‘young boys’.

Imagine if the OP genuinely believed some of this hysterical nonsense and called the social services saying here sons gf is a child snatcher & groomer. You people need to think before commenting such bollox and as for the cuckoo comment .... I think that’s you! How rude is that. I can see why there is so many MIL issues on sites like this, and why it’s nearly always the men’s mum’s that are the issue. Absolutely no respect at all.

@Hertsgirl10

Very well, shall we all give the girlfriend a hearty applause for having, not one, but two unplanned pregnancies (that we know of) by the time she is 28? Apparently, the message did not get through even after the first even after her previous boyfriend up and legged it.
At 20 years old, one should not be carrying the can for someone else and I do wonder what the real story is here.
As for the son, well, apparently he is not capable from learning from his older girlfriend’s life experience, either.
So we have at least three individuals here for whom contraception is a dirty word.
What a mess.

[quote PiersPlowman]@Hertsgirl10

Very well, shall we all give the girlfriend a hearty applause for having, not one, but two unplanned pregnancies (that we know of) by the time she is 28? Apparently, the message did not get through even after the first even after her previous boyfriend up and legged it.
At 20 years old, one should not be carrying the can for someone else and I do wonder what the real story is here.
As for the son, well, apparently he is not capable from learning from his older girlfriend’s life experience, either.
So we have at least three individuals here for whom contraception is a dirty word.
What a mess.[/quote]
Again how do you know they wasn’t planned? How do you know she wasn’t with someone for years before and he up and left? It happened to my sister!
Sooo AGAIN it’s all the females fault 😂 😂

I’m really glad that people like you are going around watching every detail of people’s relationships and know every sexual detail.

He isn’t carrying the can for someone else, he’s in a relationship that he chose to be in and at any point he can leave and still be a father to his baby, and I suspect with his good morals he would still be there for the step son, I can’t imagine any child of yours having these good morals, for some reason.

Stop being so judgemental online it speaks volumes on what kind of person you are 😂 there’s no evidence of any of what you and others have said being true but to judge like you all are is awful, especially when you only know ones person’s side and no other details.

@Hertsgirl10

Unmarried. One, soon to be two kids in tow. Two baby fathers, one barely out of his school uniform. Real commitment right there.

Yeah, baby, it’s a dream come true! /s

[quote PiersPlowman]@Hertsgirl10

Unmarried. One, soon to be two kids in tow. Two baby fathers, one barely out of his school uniform. Real commitment right there.

Yeah, baby, it’s a dream come true! /s[/quote]
You sound very old fashioned. Fair enough it's not ideal but you sound very judgemental.

Also, nobody knows if it was planned or not, or the woman's life before meeting him. Two kids by two fathers and unmarried mothers is a shock? Have you visited present day at all?

[quote PiersPlowman]@Hertsgirl10

Unmarried. One, soon to be two kids in tow. Two baby fathers, one barely out of his school uniform. Real commitment right there.

Yeah, baby, it’s a dream come true! /s[/quote]
Unmarried 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sorry for a second I thought it was 1981 😂😆

Camden comedy clubs are reopening slowly, you should get on stage.

@rainbowdaz

It’s a fair remark.

I am extremely judgemental where the welfare of children is concerned, and I believe the decision to have children should be made by a committed couple in a loving relationship. Not with a fly by night father with dragging balls or with horny twenty year olds who are little more than kids themselves.

Having children is not a game - it is a massive responsibility and hard work even for the best of us.

That society thinks men and women like our current Prime Minister are models of parenthood is a shame upon us all.

@Hertsgirl10

Keep that up and I will cancel your benefits cheques. ;-)

Ooh another presumption. Good for you to standing by your weird judgmental ways.