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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS's girlfriend is pregnant

174 replies

vorladung · 19/06/2021 20:41

I've name changed

My DS has just turned 20. His girlfriend is 28 and she has an almost 8 yearold son. They've been together for just over a year and half. When they got together I was a bit Hmm but I never told DS and I always supported their relationship and supported him helping his girlfriend bring her son up (his biological dad isn't involved). He now lives with her and her son.

Today he came around and told me that she's about 18 weeks pregnant, I was very shocked but I was supportive and he told me he didn't tell me earlier because he needed to get his head around it but now he's happy and so is his girlfriend.

I feel a bit sad as well as he's only 20 and he's already got a family but I'm also proud of him because he's helping to bring up another mans child.

I just feel terrible for being sad as I should be happy for them.

OP posts:
Jabba2020 · 20/06/2021 00:10

It wouldn't be my first choice for my son either.
A friend met her partner when he was 20, she was 6 years older with a child. They have been together well over 20 years and have 5 children so it can work.

Viviennemary · 20/06/2021 00:18

Just a person who can see an exploitative woman taking advantage of a teenage boy.

Lampzade · 20/06/2021 00:20

Op, I would be uncomfortable with a woman of 26/ 27 dating an eighteen year old.
She is pregnant now, so all you can do is be supportive as possible and encourage him to wear a condom

Gintime74 · 20/06/2021 00:22

I was 18 when I met dh who was 30. Nobody batted an eyelid and he also had an ex and dc. We are still together today, I went on to have a full career, we had 4 dc together. It doesn’t have to be doom and gloom!
The only thin I would say I’ve missed out on is travel but intend to make up for that very soon.

UhtredRagnarson · 20/06/2021 00:23

@Viviennemary

Just a person who can see an exploitative woman taking advantage of a teenage boy.
Regardless of his relationship with the child’s mother, he is it’s father and should parent it.
MissTrip82 · 20/06/2021 00:31

@ASchuylerSister

I’d rather my DC was able to have a child at 20 then suffer from infertility.
You do realise it’s not an either/or?

I’d be disappointed too, he’s young, the age gap is significant at that age, it’s a short relationship, they’re not married, the pregnancy is presumably unplanned if he needed to get his head around it, and I wouldn’t be thrilled about him being a step dad either. It’s not even about years of freedom, it’s about the importance of setting yourself up well to be a parent. A stable home, a reasonable job with some prospect of advancement and a secure, committed relationship are hard to have achieved by the age of 20 a year into a relationship. Things have moved very quickly both for your son and his stepson.

At the end of the day you have no choice but to be supportive however.

QueenofDestruction · 20/06/2021 00:47

Yes, I agree with those saying the age gap is just exploitive, its not the gap itself but a teenager with an adult mother. When I was 26 still stayed over at my Aunts house to make sure her 18 year old son didn't throw a party. It would never have crossed my mind to date someone that age, its very icky.

QueenBee52 · 20/06/2021 00:48

@Sweettea1

Everyone saying its so young children holding you back an so on is wrong. My good friend fell pregnant while still in school (16) then had another a year later she Is now only 40 with a good job owns her home and 2 grown adult daughters it's not all negative having children young.

not everyone has such a positive conclusion either. 🌸

Thewiseoneincognito · 20/06/2021 00:54

Jesus he’s in for a big dose of reality check in about 5 years when he’s 25 with a 5 year old and and mid thirties partner whilst all his mates are having the time of their lives. He’s going to regret this.

WendyWoofer · 20/06/2021 01:16

I’d be disappointed I think. How does your son feel about it OP?

whatausername · 20/06/2021 01:33

@QueenofDestruction

Yes, I agree with those saying the age gap is just exploitive, its not the gap itself but a teenager with an adult mother. When I was 26 still stayed over at my Aunts house to make sure her 18 year old son didn't throw a party. It would never have crossed my mind to date someone that age, its very icky.
I totally agree, it's foul. Now he works full-time and she works "part-time during term time" and is pregnant again. Flags are everywhere. If the genders were reversed we'd be discussing signs and symptoms of abuse. OP's DS was 18 when they got together - barely more than a child. I hope he has an out and an emergency/leaving fund for when he comes to his senses or in case things get really bad.
faithfulbird20 · 20/06/2021 01:38

You can't say a lot to kids nowadays if you still want a relationship with them. But be proud you raised a man. I've read threads where boys dump women they've got pregnant because they don't want 'it'.

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 20/06/2021 01:41

@Viviennemary

I would be furious. This really is exploitation from this woman. She should have known better at her age.
Oh behave, he is 20 not 12.
Castlepeak · 20/06/2021 01:44

Op, your reaction is not surprising.

You would hope that someone who is a mother would know that particular age gap and difference in circumstances made the relationship completely inappropriate and potentially exploitive. I hope your son is ok and that this has grown into a positive situation. I would continue to be there for him and be ready to help him exit and obtain legal
Representation of the time ever comes.

Hertsgirl10 · 20/06/2021 02:11

@Viviennemary

I would be furious. This really is exploitation from this woman. She should have known better at her age.
He is an actual adult himself you know ...

Maybe they planned the pregnancy, not everything is a mistake.

He might be a very mature 20 year old.

If I was reading this whole post as him or his gf then the grandmother wouldn’t be welcome in either child’s life.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 20/06/2021 02:39

My dad was 18 when I was born. My mum was mid-twenties. They were totally skint. Despite me coming along, they both developed successful careers, and they also had a lot more kids. We had very happy childhoods and we’ve all done pretty well as adults.

I don’t mean to be smug. I just think it’d be good for you to hear that there’s always the possibility that this’ll be a happy and enjoyable success.

Moorelewis · 20/06/2021 03:34

He's 20? He isn't a teenager and she is 28, also an adult?

QueenBee52 · 20/06/2021 03:34

@WalkingOnTheCracks

My dad was 18 when I was born. My mum was mid-twenties. They were totally skint. Despite me coming along, they both developed successful careers, and they also had a lot more kids. We had very happy childhoods and we’ve all done pretty well as adults.

I don’t mean to be smug. I just think it’d be good for you to hear that there’s always the possibility that this’ll be a happy and enjoyable success.

Did your Mum have a Child by another Father aged 8 years older than you, prior to meeting your Father ? 🌸
garlictwist · 20/06/2021 04:49

I don't think the age gap between the girlfriend and the son is weird - I got together with my OH when I was 30 and he was 21. Still together 10 years later. People always think it's odd when the woman is older but wouldn't bat an eyelid if it was the other way round.

That said, the age gap between the girlfriend's child and the son is the more worrying part.

But what's done is done and you sound like a great mum, OP, being able to outwardly be so supportive. It must be very difficult but you expressing disapproval will only make things worse.

Taikoo · 20/06/2021 05:26

I'd be gutted for him.

Summersnake · 20/06/2021 06:44

That’s a big gap ,and it doesn’t put her in a favourable light ,considering they have been together a while ,he would of been only just 18 .
If it was the other way round ,I’d of been thinking it was an unhealthy relationship and he was trapping the girl to be a step mum to the child.
They are at different points in their life ,it is an unequal relationship .
I would be very worried for my son ,who is actually 20 as well ,and in no way mature enough for this situation.
I would absolutely not be happy…
But what can you do ??
You have to get them get on with it .

Maggiesfarm · 20/06/2021 06:48

We all like to think of our children enjoying responsibility-free, young lives for as long as possible but this relationship seems very sound and isn't that unusual. One of my kids' friend's mother was married to a man with a similar age gap, when he was about 20. She had two children from a previous marriage (one of whom was the above mentioned friend), they were very happy - still are - both devoted to her children.

I wish them all the luck in the world and, op, congratulations.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 20/06/2021 06:49

Ok I accept it isn't all about travelling etc. However not everyone wants to be carefree with few responsibilities. I really struggled with that aspect of my early twenties and my life has been so much better since I had the structure and routine of family life. Perhaps he realised from living with her and her 8yo that he much prefers that life too.

If my adult DS was in a happy, serious relationship I couldn't be anything but happy for him if he told me he was having a baby. My grandfather was 19 when my mum was born, still happily together with my grandmother almost 60 years later.

Maggiesfarm · 20/06/2021 06:55

TheMostWonderfulTime, that is a really happy, positive post. Settling down young with responsibilities does suit some people very well. Let's hope it's the case with the op's son. It's lovely for them to have a baby.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 20/06/2021 07:03

Thanks maggie. I totally understand that for a lot of people settling down young isn't what they would want. However for some people it is the right thing, we aren't all the same.