DS's girlfriend is pregnant

[vorladung]

I've name changed

My DS has just turned 20. His girlfriend is 28 and she has an almost 8 yearold son. They've been together for just over a year and half. When they got together I was a bit but I never told DS and I always supported their relationship and supported him helping his girlfriend bring her son up (his biological dad isn't involved). He now lives with her and her son.

Today he came around and told me that she's about 18 weeks pregnant, I was very shocked but I was supportive and he told me he didn't tell me earlier because he needed to get his head around it but now he's happy and so is his girlfriend.

I feel a bit sad as well as he's only 20 and he's already got a family but I'm also proud of him because he's helping to bring up another mans child.

I just feel terrible for being sad as I should be happy for them.

[babbez]

@arithanaggerton

You will get stick for it OP but I get it, I'd feel the same. Not so much over the baby, plenty of people become parents young and it's the making of them. It's the fact that he's a father figure to an 8 year old at 20 which I find sad. I also think the girlfriend is strange, sorry. At 28 with a child the thought of being with a 20 year old would make me boak.

Yeah, this

It's the older, experienced mum dating a 20yo, I'm not sure about that personally

[MiddlesexGirl]

Yep. I'd be sad for him too but it is what it is and he's doing the mature thing by making the best of it. He'll need all the support you can give him that's for sure.

Had to at this though:
Congrats on being a nanny while you’re still young enough to enjoy it

[LucilleBluth]

So he was 12 when her eldest child was born. Reverse the genders here and it would be massive red flags all around. He’s trapped but hopefully it lasts and he is happy in ten years

[ASchuylerSister]

I’d rather my DC was able to have a child at 20 then suffer from infertility.

[whynotwhatknot]

So theyve been together since he was 18 when did they move in together

i do agree he hasnthad much of a life etc but if hes happy thats most important thing-my dh had his first child at 20 now he says hes glad he done it young he wouldnt be able to cope now

[Hankunamatata]

I'd feel a bit sad OP. He hasn't got to really live life at 20 and be carefree. Now life is basically mapped out for him raising children. It's ok to mourn privately the life he might have had, give yourself some time and get used to the idea.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

I'd be grateful to any woman who took on my son and think she has to be a fool.

[arithanaggerton]

Your son will be in his mid 20s dealing with the dramas of having a pre-teen/early teenager.

The baby is different. Not because it's biologically your DS's but simply because at 20 there's no reason why somebody can't be perfectly equipped to provide for a baby. Financially, loving them, practical care. That's fine. At least one of his friend's will probably also become a parent in the next few years.

But parenting an 8-13 year old who is actively looking up to you as their main male role model while you're only in you mid-20s yourself is a very different matter. I'm sorry but I can see all sorts of issues arising there. This kid is likely at some point to experience resentment about his biological father. He is also going to pick up on the strange dynamic of his step-father being just 12 years older than him.

[Ginger1982]

I'd be gutted OP, so you're not alone in your feelings, but I would have been even more gutted when he started seeing someone with a child of that age.

[RandomMess]

Only a 5 year age gap with me and DH but we're still together 21 years later!

[Anotheruser02]

I find it strange that he was 12 when his step child was born.

[vorladung]

I wasn't happy when they first got together, especially as she has a child but I didn't want to tell him that as I didn't want to push him away. I also didn't think their relationship would last so I just decided to be supportive.

DS does work and his girlfriend works part-time in term time as well.

[Anotheruser02]

I would have done what you did. It would do nothing good to tell him how you feel.

[Lovemusic33]

I was 21 when I had dd after a year of being with her dad who was a lot older and already had kids.

A part of me is pleased I had kids young as they are now teens and I’m looking forward to getting my life back and will still be in my early 40’s (if they ever leave home). But another part of me wishes I had traveled and lived a little before having kids.

I think I would feel a little sad if dd was to get pregnant on her early 20’s.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Yanbu. Even at 20 I couldn't imagine being with a 20yr old man so I can't imagine what she might have seen in a 20yr old at the age of 28!!

Congrats but yanbu. It might work out, it might not but I wonder what she really thinks - given women mature a lot quicker than men and at the age of 28 she really should have known better. But then again she had a child at 20 so maybe she's just recruited your ds.

[DansMaPoche]

Sorry OP. I would be devastated. He's so young. The fact she has a child with someone else too wouldn't make me happy.

That's exactly how I would feel.

Your son will be in his mid 20s dealing with the dramas of having a pre-teen/early teenager.

This would really worry me. That could make for a very difficut atmosphere with lots of butting of horns and power struggles going on. Especially if a new baby makes the son feel pushed out. It's not an easy thing to take on at any age but to have all that to deal with when you are still only in your 20's? I'm glad it's not my son.

[MyMabel]

I have no regrets about having my DD at 22, we brought a house when I was 21, by DP is nine years older than me; then had DD at 21/22. I’m 25 now and trying for our second. I have a good job and I work full time; DD loves nursery, has everything she needs and I, we couldn’t be happier.

Some people settle down earlier than others, there’s nothing wrong with that if they are sensible about it.

The way I see it is, if your son is a half decent father and fits into his role as a family man, you did a half decent job of raising him, at least. Be proud of that.

[Toottooot]

How will the older child fit into your family now? Will they be treated like a grandchild too?

[UhtredRagnarson]

No point being gutted or devastated. It’s happening. You being miserable about it is wasted energy and bad feeling that serves no purpose. You might as well jump on the happy bandwagon and get excited about being a grandparent.

[Lolamambam]

Oh it’s sad that people are saying they would be devastated!
Such a strong word.

1. He lives with the person he’s having a baby with. A family environment.
   

1. He said he’s been getting his head round it and now he is happy. Surely all you want in life is for your kids to be happy. That’s the most important thing to me.
   

1. A lovely new baby and becoming a grandparent is far from “devastating”.
   

OP try and enjoy it and be supportive. Get to bonding with the mum to be, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it xx

[Junipersky]

I would be happy for them. He will still have lots of opportunities to do the things he wants to do in life, and I'm sure he'll make a great Dad.

My eldest (almost 22 year old) is in an Adult Care Home having never progressed from the baby stage and I would literally give my life for him to be out here in the big wide world of independence and freedom. Just being able to make his own choices and have a conversation. He can't do any of those things.

[Daphnise]

Did they not realise contraception was available?

[Bouledeneige]

I agree with you OP. It really wouldn't be what I would want for my DC at that age - my DD is 21 and me DS 18. All kids are different but mine are not mature enough to look after themselves very well let alone a baby. As another poster said the brain is not fully developed till you are 25.

You should be proud that your son is so mature and supportive of his GF. Be there for him. He might very well need it. At 20 he's hardly lived yet.

[ohdearjack]

I had my daughter at 21, pregnant at 20 and she was the making of me. I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have her as my motivation. I feel she was the reason I have worked so hard because I want to be able to provide her with everything she needs and more. If I hadn't had her I could have seen me staying lazy and complacent the rest of my days. She was the kick up the arse I needed. Additionally it's great now being under 30 and having an 8 year old who is like mini best friend. Your son sounds responsible, it doesn't need to be a negative thing.